Newbies (the first episode)
Joe: Do you see this tree?
Newbie: Yes
Joe: Do you see this beautiful, mother f**king tree?
Newbies Return
(Newbie is standing beside a giant wooden penis)
Joe: What the fuck is that?
Newbie: I MADE IT!!!!!!!
Joe: Really?
Newbie: Hey Joe, look at this!
Joe: Can't. Choppin' down a penis.
Mining 101
Joe: Dude, you're supposed to mine gold with an iron pickaxe!
Newbie: I do?
Joe: You are a fucking retard.
Newbie: I am?
Night
Newbie: You dick!
Joe: Ha! That's what I'm known for.
The Nether
Shop Keeper 1: Hello, and welco-
Newbie: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON'T INTERRUPT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!
Moderator: Did somebody say moderator!?!?
[Beat]
Someone in the background: ...No!
Joe: Are you sure you want to do this? You'll probably never see us again.
Kuledud3: I don't want to see you again.
Creative
Newbie: *Gasp!* You spent all of our gold!
Joe: No! I'm saying you used our gold to build your pants!
Newbie: Oh yeah. And they're classy!
Joe: That still doesn't change the fact that our hard earned gold is rubbing up against your nasty, newbie nuts!
Moderator: (While explaining creative mode) It's basically like being rubbed in the nuts by Jesus Christ.
Moderator: Have no fear! The f**king Moderator is here!
Joe: Sorry, mister socially awkward, naked guy, but this Newbie is my sex toy!
Silverfish
Silverfish: I'm a silverfish, BITCH!
Joe: I'm gonna blow this place the fuck up.
Newbie: But Joe, this our house! I mean, I'm supposed to do that!
(Silverfish answers the door to a horde of silverfish)
Silverfish: What's up, BITCHES!?
Wut?
Joe: And when he woke up he looked in the mirror and... There he was. And that's basically the story of how Jake became a po...
Spleef
Skrillex: Aww, Deadmau5... Deadmau5! Deadmau5!!! (Now shouting crazily) DEADMAU5!!!!!! DEADMAU5!!!!! DEADMAU5!!!!!! DEAJJHHKUJYGJHUHKHJHUHHUKHUHHIIGJYJGYUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deadmau5: (Crying) I lost in spleef again!
Skrillex: Aww...
Survival Games
Bearded Man: (After the newbie and Joe leave the room) I'm gonna kill you naked man, you evasious porpoise secretion.
Angry Player: I'm gonna fuck your ass so hard you're gonna be cryin' my cum!
Joe: I thought all of those fuckers were chasing you.
Newbie: Oh you mean every single one of the other players? Yeah. I ended up killing them all.
Christmas Special
Joe: The Notch Pole? Why does everything have to be about Notch?
Moderator: BECAUSE HE MADE... THE FUCKING... GAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!! ...continue.
Jake: I may be an idiot, but I'm adorable!
Herobrine
Herobrine (still in disguise): Contrary to what you may believe, I am no villain. I am, however, a hero...
Herobrine: A HeroBRINE!
Joe: That was terrible.
Moderator: This is a tower. It's height represents how retarded you are. (Builds a very tall tower and stands on the top) You are this retarded!
Alfred: You stinky, stinky boy!
