Quotes / Mock the Week

Andy Parsons: (Re: Countdown) "I think Dictionary Corner would be quite happy to be unionised, because it is in fact a nine letter word".

Picture of the Week

(on Edward Snowden's flight plan)
Andy: He said he was relieved to land in Moscow, but he was flying Aeroflot so I imagine everyone was relieved...
Hugh: I flew Aeroflot once, I sat next to this bloke, he had a mole with a massive hair growing out of it and every time he moved his hair was brushing against my face...
Dara: Did anyone know what seat he was in?
Chris: 17A.
Hugh: Did he sit next to a man with a massive mole growing out of him...
Chris: He IS the massive mole.

Spinning The News

Dara: "Now we move on to a round called...

'The Four Horsemen of the A-Mock-alypse'.
'If we can get just three guys to do this, we can Mock off early'."
'Your Grexits^note the media term for Greece's exit from the EU are (pointing with both hands) Here, Here and Here'."
'It's Getting Hot in Here, So Take Out All your Jokes'."
'Here Comes the Mockstepper, murrrderer'."

(Frankie on gay rights)

"(Concerning gay adoption) I'd have loved to have had a gay dad. You remember all that stuff at school? 'Oh, my dad will batter your dad, my dad could batter your dad' 'Listen! My dad will shag your dad!... And your dad will enjoy it!'"

(Stuart Francis on schooling)

"You are looking at a very proud Canadian, who is very proud of the education system in Canadia... I was horrible in school, I failed math so many times that I can't even count... I preferred French over Chemistry, because the Chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any, eh... rapport... One teacher told me I'd be a better student if I didn't spend so much time flirting, I immediately jumped off his lap... One teacher used to always say I wasn't very observant, but you know what? That was his or her opinion... I was going to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it... In high school I was voted Most Likely To... Reminisce..." *trails off*

(Ed on piracy)

"Ooh, this music's so funky it makes me want to obey the law."

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

(Answer: 25 in a row)

Andy: "... how many times has Dara cracked one off to watching Blue Peter?"

(Answer: Serious, Risky and Heroic)

Russel: What are Snap, Crackle and Pop's DJ names?

Frankie: What are the three settings on the world's most powerful vibrator?

Frankie: How would I describe my sex tour of Nigeria?

(Answer: 60,000)

Andy: How many times will this clip be shown on Dave?

(Answer: Around 24,000)

Ed: How many times could I punch Piers Morgan in the face before it stopped being fun and I continued to do it out of a sense of duty?

(Answer: 3%)

"Is it the percentage of people still alive in Midsomer?"

(Answer: Between 10,000 and 15,000)

Russel: How many people in Britain are secretly elves?

Frankie: How many push-ups could Jesus do?

(Answer: Sparrows, otters and hedgehogs)

Andy: What is the least popular Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor?

Frankie: What's on the menu at a Gypsy wedding?

Frankie: As a kid, what animals would I dress up in uniforms to reenact the Battle of Stalingrad with the German forces played by a lawnmower?

Scenes We'd Like To See

(on "Weird Things To See On A Roadsign")

Frankie: "Stop. Hammertime."

Russell: (mimes driving) "You're Very Lonely, Aren't You, Russel?" (does a double take)

Andy: "Accident on Opposite Carriageway. Quick! Look!"

Frankie: "No left turn. No right turn. No entry. No reversing. Get out of the car and put your hands on your head. DO IT!!"

(on "Deleted Lines From A Fantasy Film")

Russell: "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the heir to Isildur and part of the Fellowship of the Ring... please leave a message after the tone."

Frankie: "Ron had been suffering from swine flu and people were avoiding him... luckily he was a ginger and he was used to it."

Hugh: "I don't know why you're so upset Harry, the real Dumbledore died three films ago and no one gave a shit."

Russell: "'Did you find Narnia in the wardrobe?' 'No Edmund, we found your Porn Stash...' "

Frankie: "We had only been there a day, but for us it felt like fifteen years... that's Birmingham."

Russel: "He stole it from me, my Precious, m- Oh, it's in me pocket..."

Greg Davies: "Hey, John. How's it going? All right? Yeah. How're the kids? All right. See you later."

(on "Unlikely Lines from a Thriller")

Frankie: "Michael, Peter, David, Vladimir...I think we may have a spy in the organization."

Hugh: "Get me the Pentagon...and then the triangle and then the square..."

Andy: "Ah, Pussy Galore, Bond here... I've been told by my doctor that I need to contact all previous partners..."

Frankie: "The owner of this motel dresses up as his mother and stabs people, but the guidebook says it's still better than The Ibis."

Hugh: "Red or green! Red or green! Which one am I supposed to cut?! Come on, they're only peppers, how long is this salad going to take?!"

Andy: "The Orient Express has been cancelled, however there was a murder on the temporary Orient replacement bus."

Russell: "I have amnesia: the tattoos on my body will tell me what happened." *checks self* "'Dara Was here'?" *Dara nods*

Frankie: "I'd been a serial killer for four years, but they'd never given me a nickname... Then, you bite ONE GUY ON THE ARSE, and suddenly you're The Buttmuncher."

Russell: (leaping in pain) "AAAAHH!! THE BUTTMUNCHER'S GOT ME!! THE BUTTMUNCHER'S GOT ME!!"

(on "Ill Advised Things to Say in Court")

Andy: "How could she have seen my face?! I was wearing a balaclava!"

Frankie: "So, to summarise, there's no evidence, but he does look a bit rapey."

Mark Watson: "Well, if stabbing a man makes me guilty, I'm guilty!"

Frankie: "I would like to present my own defence, through the medium of dance!"

Russel: "Oi, Wiggy, I've done your daughter!" *mimes taking a hit from a joint*

(on "Unlikely Lines From A Science Programme")
Holly: "Apart from humans, the only living thing to enjoy sex is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out..."
Russel: "I'm a meerkat; she's not lying..."

"(shambles up to the microphone) I escaped from the petri dish! WHAT AM I?!"

— Russel as a Genetic Abomination

"Welcome to Mock the Week: After Dark. I'm Dara Ó Briain, and this... is my penis."

— Frankie Boyle

"Yes, well it's... definitely stuck up there... we may, er... we may have to use the ferret."

— Hugh Dennis

(On "Unlikely Scenes From Doctor Who")

"WELCOME TO MY DALEK POETRY READING! *Buzz* THIS ONE IS CALLED "DAFFODILS!" EXTERMINATE DAFFODILS!"

— Frankie as a Dalek.

Headliners

(The letters are P.T.F.C.)

Milton Jones: "Performers Try Find Caption?"

Russell Howard (upon discovering it relates to the MP's expenses scandal): "Payback The Fucking Cash!"

(The letters are P.T.S.D.)

Frankie: Prescott To Swallow Dorsett?

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