Quotes / Ironic Hell

Over the past five years at You Are Dumb Dot Net, I have repeatedly claimed to be redefining my personal vision of Hell. And each time, it was mostly true. But from now on, if I ever say that? I'm lying for comedic effect.

—Bryan Lambert

Black Mage: [upon dying and going to hell] Wait, if I did evil, and you guys are evil, then shouldn't you be showering me with rewards and concubines?
The Devil: This is hell. We're big on irony here.

—8-Bit Theater

But such a talent is worthless in Hell where time doesn't exist. Hell gave me everything I wanted and then changed the rules so that it didn't matter."

—Arloest, Jack

"Men are not punished for their sins but by them"

—found written on the wall in blood, Dead Space 3

Oh, irony's all relative anyway. I added an extra circle of hell where Monty Python fans quote lines at each other. It's torment for everybody else, but they all think they're in Heaven!

— Satan, The Non-Adventures of Wonderella, Cruller Intentions

Continually emerging from the slave ship, these are the festering creatures who foil my attempts to escape this confounded rock. Rats live within their flesh, writhing within it and then springing forth randomly. They appear to be a reincarnation, not of the slaves — for then they would be of darker skin tone — but instead of the slave traders. In this form, they are forced to live out again and again the fate they forced upon those hapless slaves.

—Clem, on the Festers, The Suffering

Because I severed those so joined, I carry
alas — my brain dissevered from its source,
which is within my trunk. And thus, in me
one sees the law of counter-penalty.

Bertran de Born, The Divine Comedy

Nick did as his jailers had told him, then brought out the red coat and began preparing for the long, long night. Until they all believe you, Nick. Until there’s no man, woman, or child on Earth who wouldn’t hesitate to say that you are the kindest, most generous man who ever lived. Until you’ve lived up to your own con. And it must be done right; the man of judgment had made that very, very clear.

—SF Debris, You Better Watch Out

Aziraphale: I just want to get out of here and back to Heaven where I belong.
Crowley: In case it escaped your attention, Aziraphale, Heaven is apparently your own personal hell. I'd say you have some pretty major issues to deal with before you go anywhere.

—Its Own Place

"And when you get to the end you'll find a chair
You see all the blood, yeah your boy was just here
We get all different kind of people comin through
Richies, chickens and bitches just like you
In the Halls everybody gets a turn
To sit and witness your illusion before you burn"

-"Halls Of Illusion", Insane Clown Posse

So I'm dead. That's what my instrument check indicates. Where does that leave me? Here, I guess. Here, in my cinema. (eyes widen in horror) Here, in my purgatory.

—Howard Hughes, Cinema Purgatorio

Jane: What's behind that door?
Icefrog: The low priority containment, where the toxic dota players are confined. Behind those door lies the ragers, the quitters, the courier killers, and all kinda of nasty players, and they'll stay there until they learn to behave and work together.
Jane: But if they are toxic players, don't this mean they won't work together and will stay there forever?
Icefrog: ...yeeeeees.

-Nerf NOW!!, on Dota 2's Low Priority matching.

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