Quotes / Improbable Weapon User

Comic Books

"Kneel before GRODD! You have walked into my ambush! And I have brought my biggest combat spoon — to eat your tasty brains!!!"

— Gorilla Grodd, Action Comics #893

I'm not usually one for bragging, but some things just have to be made known: I just stabbed someone with hot mashed potatoes. Bow taken.

— Johnny C.'s Twitter

Fan Works

Godot weighed a second mug in his hand. "Stand away from the witness," he said sternly. "Coffee should not be wasted. Especially as this is my seventeenth mug of the case —"
With a scream of, "Die, Mia Fey, die!" Dahlia wrenched the zanpakutou from Tousen's waist and leapt at the defense attorneys.
Godot's second mug took her in the back of the head, and she went down like a ton of bricks.

— Order in the Court, an Ace Attorney / Bleach crossover fic

Films - Live Action

Larabee: I'm a trained killer you know, I can kill you with anything in this office. You want to die by Post-Its? 'Cause I can make that happen.

Agent 91: And that's slow death.

— Get Smart

"I once saw him kill three men in a bar... with a pencil, with a fucking pencil."

— Viggo, John Wick

"Death by stereo!"

— Sam Emerson, The Lost Boys

Jack Wilder: Woah woah woah hey, hold on- [grabs a group of playing cards]
Agent Dylan Rhodes: ...really?
Jack: Yep. [Starts throwing them at Rhodes]

— Now You See Me

Literature

Eithan: [faux-serious] He initiated an open attack against me in Serpent's Grave, and I was forced to take out the broom.
Emperor: [dryly] I've never heard that expression. I assume you mean an actual broom.

— Cradle Series, Blackflame

"Like her husband, Tika had fought against the Dragon Highlords in the War of the Lance, some forty years ago. Unlike Caramon, however, she'd never trained as a warrior, relying instead on the art of bashing opponents with whatever heavy, blunt object was available."

— Dezra's Quest

'A hole.' he says flatly. 'You're going to kill Sethrakus Ra with a hole in the ground.' He points to the sections of the jungle where we've hidden Mog artillery. 'You've really stuck on the hole aspect of the plan. I told you. We've got guns, bombs- But for Sethrakus Ra, we've got a hole.'

— Lorien Legacies, The Fate of Ten (justified, because Sethrakus connected his life with Ella, making her suffer whatever he suffered)

Live Action TV

Juan: What are you doing with that?
Michael: I'm gonna fight them off.
Juan: With a hand towel?!
Michael: Why? Do you have a gun?

— Burn Notice

"I have no sword. I don't need a sword, because I am the Doctor, and this...is my spoon! [brandishes spoon] En garde!"

— Twelfth Doctor, Doctor Who, "Robot of Sherwood"

Sean: And you did all that on your own? What was it, six of them?

Elliot: Eight, but I had a dart, so...

— Gangs of London

Video Games

"Nevertheless, dates when Heck claims to have been engaged in operational activity coincide with reports of unusual causes of death at the Taipei morgue, including a man with known Triad affiliations found with the chassis of a ten-speed mountain bike driven through his torso and a Vatican Intelligence agent with his airway obstructed by 17 communion wafers."

— Your Dossier, Alpha Protocol

Elridge is not permitted a spoon, or a plate. It is probably unwise to permit him even the sharper vegetables.

— Cultist Simulator

Edward Van Helgen: Choose your [dueling] weapon.
Guybrush: I choose the banjo.
Edward Van Helgen: I accept.
Guybrush: ...You do?

— The Curse of Monkey Island

"Marth": It's time to move out, Heroes. The fate of this world rests upon your shoulders.
Corrin: You can count on us. We'll give it all we've got!
"Marth": There's no doubt in my mind. But... I must ask... What do you intend to use as weapons?
Azura: Well, I shall smack my foes with this hagoita^note basically a Japanese ping-pong paddle.
Takumi: And I shall toss this mochi^note Japanese rice cakes at mine.
Camilla: My enemies shall be poked repeatedly with this kadomatsu^note a couple of bamboo sticks tied together.
Corrin: And mine shall recoil in fear at the mere sight of Hama Ya.
"Marth": I...see... Perhaps I haven't made the severity of the situation clear. The fate of this world rests upon your—
Takumi: Well, we were in the middle of preparing for our first shrine trip of the new year when this all happened. Were you expecting us to be armed to the teeth with real weapons of war?
Azura: Don't worry. If I can wield a pine branch as a weapon and emerge victorious, I'm sure these will serve. The weapons matter not as long as we give it our all! Now let's go save this world.

— Fire Emblem Heroes

"Roxas, that's a stick."

— Xion, Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

"Yes, you did just lose to a guy with a lamppost."

— Jax, League of Legends

"Put down the shotgun. Pick up a dolphin!!"

— Plants vs Zombies: Garden Warfare commercial

Web Animation

"Look out for the French bread!"

— Bouncer Beagle, Ducktalez 7

"This umbrella works wonders for murdering."

— Kirby, Sonic for Hire

Webcomics

TG: how the fuck do you even wield a broken bow
TG: did you go around clubbing shit with the two halves
CT: D —> Yes

— Homestuck

Web Original

"I would remind you that [Yuna's] current protectors are armed with a volley ball and a stuffed animal."

— The Spoony Experiment on Final Fantasy X

Western Animation

Dan: That guy knows 12 ways to kill a man with a bell.

Chris: Wow, I only know... [makes swinging motion] ...one.

— Dan Vs.

"Don't try to stop me! I've got gold statuettes and I am not afraid to use them!"

— Heather, Total Drama Revenge of the Island, "Up, Up and Away in My Pitiful Balloon"

"Using a saw as a weapon is like using a gun to cut a two-by-four!"

— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, "Little Horrors of Shop"

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