"Even Daddy's toys have toys."
— Little Sister, commenting on a weapon upgrade in BioShock 2
"You gonna ambush somebody, use a muzzle suppressor. Losers."
— Shaw, Person of Interest
Anon: So, I'm looking for a rail system for my ak. I find side rails fugly, but will settle for one if need be. was looking at something similar to whats in my pic, but idk if they suck or they are for tacticool noobs.
Anon: any input?
Ivan Chesnokov: WHY YOU WANT RAIL FOR KALASHNIKOV? IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH AS PROCURED FROM IZHEVSK MECHANICAL WORKS? YOU THINK NEEDS IMPROVEMENT? THEN MAYBE YOU FIND JOB WITH ARMY OF RUSSIA! YOU HAVE DRINKS WITH MIKHAIL KALASHNIKOV, TRADE STORY OF MANY WEAPONS DESIGNED AND DETAILS OF SCHOOL FOR ENGINEERING!
Ivan Chesnokov: OR MAYBE YOU NOT DO THIS. PROBABLY IS BECAUSE YOU NEVER DESIGN WEAPON IN WHOLE LIFE. YOU LOOK AT FINE RUSSIAN RIFLE, THINK IT NEED CRAZY SHIT STICK ON ALL SIDES OF WEAPON. YOU HAVE DISEASE OF AMERICAN CAPITALIST, CHANGE THING THAT IS FINE FOR NO REASON EXCEPT TO LOOK DIFFERENT FROM COMRADE. YOU PUT CHEAP FLASHLIGHT OF CHINESE SLAVE FACTORY ON ONE SIDE, YOU PUT BAD SCOPE OF AMERICAN MIDDLE WEST ON OTHER SIDE, YOU PUT FRONT PISTOL GRIP ON BOTTOM SO YOU ARE LIKE AMERICAN MOVIE GUY JOHN RAMBO. MAYBE YOU PUT SEX DILDO ON TOP TO FUCK YOURSELF IN ASSHOLE FOR MAKING SHAMEFUL TRAVESTY OF RIFLE OF MIKHAIL KALASHNIKOV, NO?
Ivan Chesnokov: RIFLE IS FINE. YOU FUCK IT, IT ONLY GET HEAVY AND YOU STILL NO HIT LARGEST SIDE OF BARN. GO TO FIRING RANGE, PRACTICE WITH MANY MAGAZINE OF CARTRIDGE. THEN YOU NOT NEED DUMB SHIT PUT ON SIDE OF RIFLE.
Anon: any input?
Ivan Chesnokov: WHY YOU WANT RAIL FOR KALASHNIKOV? IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH AS PROCURED FROM IZHEVSK MECHANICAL WORKS? YOU THINK NEEDS IMPROVEMENT? THEN MAYBE YOU FIND JOB WITH ARMY OF RUSSIA! YOU HAVE DRINKS WITH MIKHAIL KALASHNIKOV, TRADE STORY OF MANY WEAPONS DESIGNED AND DETAILS OF SCHOOL FOR ENGINEERING!
Ivan Chesnokov: OR MAYBE YOU NOT DO THIS. PROBABLY IS BECAUSE YOU NEVER DESIGN WEAPON IN WHOLE LIFE. YOU LOOK AT FINE RUSSIAN RIFLE, THINK IT NEED CRAZY SHIT STICK ON ALL SIDES OF WEAPON. YOU HAVE DISEASE OF AMERICAN CAPITALIST, CHANGE THING THAT IS FINE FOR NO REASON EXCEPT TO LOOK DIFFERENT FROM COMRADE. YOU PUT CHEAP FLASHLIGHT OF CHINESE SLAVE FACTORY ON ONE SIDE, YOU PUT BAD SCOPE OF AMERICAN MIDDLE WEST ON OTHER SIDE, YOU PUT FRONT PISTOL GRIP ON BOTTOM SO YOU ARE LIKE AMERICAN MOVIE GUY JOHN RAMBO. MAYBE YOU PUT SEX DILDO ON TOP TO FUCK YOURSELF IN ASSHOLE FOR MAKING SHAMEFUL TRAVESTY OF RIFLE OF MIKHAIL KALASHNIKOV, NO?
Ivan Chesnokov: RIFLE IS FINE. YOU FUCK IT, IT ONLY GET HEAVY AND YOU STILL NO HIT LARGEST SIDE OF BARN. GO TO FIRING RANGE, PRACTICE WITH MANY MAGAZINE OF CARTRIDGE. THEN YOU NOT NEED DUMB SHIT PUT ON SIDE OF RIFLE.
(Anon shows off his tacticool SKS carbine.)
Ivan Chesnokov: WHAT IN FUCK IS DONE TO THIS POOR RIFLE? STUPID HICK AMERICAN WITH TEN GALLON HAT AND GIANT PICKUP TRUCK LOOKS AT PERFECTLY FINE SIMONOV KARBIN AND SAYS "NO, RIFLE NEED MORE DUMB SHIT ON IT"?
Ivan Chesnokov: WHAT IS REASON FOR PISTOL GRIP? IF YOU NEED TO FIRE FROM HIP IN EMERGENCY, NOW HAND IS TWISTED INTO PAINFUL ANGLE AND YOU MISS EVERY ENEMY! LOOK AT WRONG ANGLE OF BAYONET! LOOK AT CHEAP PLASTIC MAGAZINE THAT FEEDS CARTRIDGE LIKE CONSTANTLY JAMMING PEZ CANDY BOX! WHERE DID CLEANING STICK GO?
Ivan Chesnokov: I HEAR OF 922 LAW IN AMERICA. ADDING PISTOL GRIP TO WEAPON MEANS YOU CHANGE OTHER PARTS. WHAT ELSE YOU FUCK? YOU PUT NEW BOLT EDIFICE? HOW ABOUT BAD FIT RECEIVER COVER FOR CHEAP SCOPE TO SHOW OFF AT HICK PARTY AND NEVER HIT LARGEST SIDE OF BARN?
Ivan Chesnokov: SURE, IS ONLY YUGOSLAV COPY TYPE BUT IS STILL PROUD DESIGN OF SERGEI SIMONOV. THIS IS LIKE SENDING HIM BIRTHDAY CARD WITH SEVERED OFF THUMB OF DAUGHTER IN ENVELOPE. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERGEI! I PISS ON ALL YOU CREATE!" LARGE MOUND FORMS OVER SIMONOV'S GRAVE BY CONSTANT TUMBLING OF HIS ANGRY CORPSE. IS FAULT OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
Ivan Chesnokov: RIFLE WAS FINE BEFORE YOU FUCK IT. NOW IS TRASH. MAYBE YOU CHECK IN GARAGE AND ORIGINAL BOLT EDIFICE AND WOOD ARE STILL THERE. MAYBE IS NOT TOO LATE TO KEEP RIFLE SOMETHING NOT SHAMEFUL TO TAKE TO FIRING RANGE. TAKE SHIT OF GOAT AWAY AND COULD STILL BE GOOD WEAPON.
Ivan Chesnokov: WHAT IN FUCK IS DONE TO THIS POOR RIFLE? STUPID HICK AMERICAN WITH TEN GALLON HAT AND GIANT PICKUP TRUCK LOOKS AT PERFECTLY FINE SIMONOV KARBIN AND SAYS "NO, RIFLE NEED MORE DUMB SHIT ON IT"?
Ivan Chesnokov: WHAT IS REASON FOR PISTOL GRIP? IF YOU NEED TO FIRE FROM HIP IN EMERGENCY, NOW HAND IS TWISTED INTO PAINFUL ANGLE AND YOU MISS EVERY ENEMY! LOOK AT WRONG ANGLE OF BAYONET! LOOK AT CHEAP PLASTIC MAGAZINE THAT FEEDS CARTRIDGE LIKE CONSTANTLY JAMMING PEZ CANDY BOX! WHERE DID CLEANING STICK GO?
Ivan Chesnokov: I HEAR OF 922 LAW IN AMERICA. ADDING PISTOL GRIP TO WEAPON MEANS YOU CHANGE OTHER PARTS. WHAT ELSE YOU FUCK? YOU PUT NEW BOLT EDIFICE? HOW ABOUT BAD FIT RECEIVER COVER FOR CHEAP SCOPE TO SHOW OFF AT HICK PARTY AND NEVER HIT LARGEST SIDE OF BARN?
Ivan Chesnokov: SURE, IS ONLY YUGOSLAV COPY TYPE BUT IS STILL PROUD DESIGN OF SERGEI SIMONOV. THIS IS LIKE SENDING HIM BIRTHDAY CARD WITH SEVERED OFF THUMB OF DAUGHTER IN ENVELOPE. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERGEI! I PISS ON ALL YOU CREATE!" LARGE MOUND FORMS OVER SIMONOV'S GRAVE BY CONSTANT TUMBLING OF HIS ANGRY CORPSE. IS FAULT OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
Ivan Chesnokov: RIFLE WAS FINE BEFORE YOU FUCK IT. NOW IS TRASH. MAYBE YOU CHECK IN GARAGE AND ORIGINAL BOLT EDIFICE AND WOOD ARE STILL THERE. MAYBE IS NOT TOO LATE TO KEEP RIFLE SOMETHING NOT SHAMEFUL TO TAKE TO FIRING RANGE. TAKE SHIT OF GOAT AWAY AND COULD STILL BE GOOD WEAPON.
Malicia stormed into the image tank clutching a multi-orificed piece of hand artillery. "Here then! The BFG-USBFOMGROFLMFAOWT FUBARSNAFUA1 Individual Integrated Modular Combat Assault Weapon System is infinitely adaptable for any number of mission profiles. By swapping the barrel and loading mechanism you can convert this superlative firearm into a rifle, carbine, urban assault sub-machine gun, drum-fed light machine gun, belt-fed tripod-mounted area-support weapon, fixed emplacement gun, or sniper rifle. Duplex rounds provide two bullets for the price of one, plus there's an optional conversion kit that allows the use of over ten thousand calibers ranging from .12 Micron to 10.5mm Low Velocity Load."
"Errr, that's very nice Malicia__"
"Targeting options include retractable iron sights (fully adjustable for windage and elevation), a red dot reflex sight for close combat, a 1.5 power optical scope/carrying handle with illuminated reticle for night-time or low light conditions (powered by an ambient light collector, tritium source or optional battery), a laser sight for shooting zombies in the head, starlight scope, thermal imager, or telescopic sight with quick-detachable mount and flip-up lens covers. Constructed of lightweight carbon-fibre composites with titanium reinforcement in all crucial areas — available colors include Olive Drab, Jungle Green (Tropical or Equatorial), Desert Brown, Polar White, Urban Grey, Midnight Black, Police Blue, and Penelope Pink."
"Thank you but__"
"Ambidextrous controls and cartridge ejection, variable firing rate (single-shot, double-tap, three or five-round burst, bullet spam), quick-detachable sling mounts, nylon carrying case. Integral bipod doubles as a wire-cutter and beer-bottle opener, while the muzzle incorporates a flash hider/recoil brake/rifle-grenade launcher/bayonet mount and is factory pre-threaded for a sound suppressor. Translucent magazines enable ammunition count to be assessed at a glance — magazine empties in 1.5 nanoseconds (but you can change that too). Can be stripped for cleaning without tools. The side-folding stock (with recoil pad and cheekpiece) is fully adjustable for arm-length and body equipment. Has top, side, and bottom-mounted accessory rails for a variety of special needs such as taclight torch (with red, blue, and black-light filters), 12-guage riot gun, gas-powered grapple-projector, ultrasonic bowel disrupter, phallic compensator, micro-flamethrower, or a 25mm semi-automatic grenade launcher which can fire high-explosive, shrapnel, airburst, white phosphorous, anti-personnel (buckshot or flechettes), tear-gas, signal flare, illumination round, door-breaching charge, acid/thermite round for bunker penetration, hollow-charge anti-tank, discarding-sabot penetrator dart, HE squash head, nerve-agent compound, psychoactive gas shell, thermobaric fuel-air-explosive, rocket-boosted terminal-guided multi-stage thermonuclear anti-satellite minimissile__"
"Stop-stop-STOP!" cried Proton.
