Quotes / Fetish Retardant

Fiction

Literature

"I attempted to draw the sexiest babes I could, but they came out looking absurd."

— Dr. Seuss, on his failed "adult" book The Seven Lady Godivas

Live-Action TV

"Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness."

— Jeff Winger, Community

"When sexy becomes annoying!"

— Crow T. Robot, Mystery Science Theater 3000, on ''The Girl in Gold Boots'

Roy: Too many "fucks"?
Ted: I don't know. Kinda like all the nipples in that movie Showgirls. Halfway through you don't even notice them anymore.

— Discussion on Roy's language, Ted Lasso

Reviews

On Advertisement

"My peepee got confused, and it fell off!"

— Caddicarus on a Japanese commercial for Mister Mosquito

On Anime

"This show is to regular ecchi what eldritch texts are to self-help books. I'm pretty sure that if you tried using this for its intended purpose, your dong would come out the other end looking like a Junji Ito creation."

— Mother's Basement on My Sister, My Writer

On Comic Books

The most important thing you need to know before reading about all the terrible things Rob Liefeld has drawn is that he has never seen or talked to a woman in his life and has no idea what they look like or how their bodies operate. If you asked Rob Liefeld to draw a diagram of the uterus he'd put on a pair of gauntlets and punch the shit out of your chalkboard. This is how the man operates, and though I know it sounds like a lot, you have to believe me. I don't want you looking at the stuff he's drawing and think he's a conscious adult male with a creative job who can and has influenced the minds of young artists. The man is a pair of blue jeans with a face. He has on a backwards cap, and when he turns it around, it's still backwards. Got it? Okay. The #40 spot is a catch-all for "any time Rob Liefeld has ever drawn a woman." We get more specific from here, but if we didn't lump these together the entire list would be broken spines and colossal hooters.

I genuinely feel these are mistakes.

This is what a woman looks like to Rob Liefeld. I can't even kid about this. It's fucking ridiculous. Fucking ricockulous. She's wearing a string of pouches where her stomach should but could not possibly be and both her thighs and forearms are larger than her abdomen. She has a big ole ass and torpedo tits, and I genuinely think that when Rob finished drawing her he sat back, frowned, looked over at his friend, and said "yikes, sorry, guy."

— Progressive Boink, "The Top 40 Worst Rob Liefeld Drawings"

On Film — Live-Action

"Do you like sex? Well, not for long!"

— Honest Trailers, on The Room (2003) (and later, Showgirls)

"Lace up for a movie full of non-stop foot stuff... that is either a foot fetishist's wet dream or their worst nightmare. Or a different, even weirder Tarantino foot fetishist's dream! We're not here to judge!"

— Honest Trailers on Die Hard

"Watching Cats is like stumbling upon an unholy and heretofore unknown genre of porn. Every time these horny fur demons tongue a milk bowl and start moaning, I was certain the FBI would raid the theater."

— Kyle Buchanan

"Yes, they managed to take a scene where Jennifer Lopez is doing yoga and talking about sex and make it boring. I didn't even think that was possible."

— FanboyFlicks on Gigli

On Literature

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to get hot beneath the collar or consult a thesaurus.

— Glorious Trash review of Eric Van Lustbader's The Ninja

"...but, for me personally, when pregnancy is brought into a sexy story in any way, I feel my libido leaving my body like Tilda Swinton has open palms slapped it out of me and it's entering the spirit world."

— Dominic Noble, on Covid-19 Romance Stories

On Video Games

"With the stone-age graphics of the [Atari] 2600, there really was no point in trying to make erotic games. Custer's Revenge looks less like sex and more like a couple slow dancing at a social for birth defected sea horses."

— Seanbaby, "The 20 Worst Video Games of All Time"

"This game really disturbs me. But I don't get it! Is this supposed to be erotic? I don't know about you, but I'm not AT ALL turned on by some old wrinkly shitty witch titties. That's fuckin' nasty, man! What sick fuck came up with this? What were they thinking?"

— The Angry Video Game Nerd, on Philly Flasher in his Atari Porn review

On Real Life

"I feel really weird right now. This is wrong. Usually I'd be like 'YEAAAAH!' but I'm like 'No, um, no...'"

— Chip Cheezum's Retsupurae video "Yowie wowie!!!", wherein he watches two hot girls make out while dressed up as Naruto and Sasuke

"It's sort of like getting to second base for the first time only to discover your girlfriend has PEPPERONI NIPPLES and sure, let's keep going but I'm not going to be storing this in the SPANK BANK."

— Regular Car Reviews, on the 1991 BMW E30 318i

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