Referenced quotes:
Comic Books
"Bitten by a lawyer, I hope there're shots for that."
— Nightwing, Nightwing
Film—Animation
"Ma'am, I was already a blood-sucking parasite! All I needed was a briefcase!"
— The Mosquito, Bee Movie
Prosecutor: You heard Mr. MacBadger testify that [Mr. Toad]'s allowance was cut off! Then how did he get a motorcar?
Cyril: The only way a gentleman gets anything, the honest way.
Prosecutor: And what is the honest way?
Cyril: Ha! I thought you wouldn’t know that, goven'er!
Cyril: The only way a gentleman gets anything, the honest way.
Prosecutor: And what is the honest way?
Cyril: Ha! I thought you wouldn’t know that, goven'er!
Film—Live-Action
Jessie McClain: Lou Cifer? Oh! Lucifer! That's cool!
Stan: Well, you know every attorney is a devil in disguise.
Stan: Well, you know every attorney is a devil in disguise.
Blade: You're human.
Kounen: Barely. I'm their lawyer.
Kounen: Barely. I'm their lawyer.
— Blade II
Kansa: Compelling arguement. You must be a lawyer.
Kisscut: She's a whore.
Kansa: An easy mistake. I apologize.
Kisscut: She's a whore.
Kansa: An easy mistake. I apologize.
"You wanna conquer the world, you're going to need lawyers, right?"
—Rude Gambler, Mars Attacks!
Literature
"A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
— Don Vito Corleone, The Godfather
"How do you know when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead. Lawyers love lawyer jokes. They're even sort of proud of them. Why do you suppose that is?"
— Rudy Baylor, The Rainmaker
Scrimgeour: Are you planning to pursue a career in magical law, Miss Granger?
Hermione: No, I actually plan to do some good in the world.
Hermione: No, I actually plan to do some good in the world.
"You forget that, amongst my other creations, I spawned the lawyers."
Live-Action TV
"These are lawyers. That's Latin for "liar"."
— G.O.B., Arrested Development
Frasier: God, I hate lawyers!
Niles: Oh, me too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
Niles: Oh, me too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
"Okay, you are the most full-of-shit lawyer I've ever met, and I think we should stop and appreciate the magnitude of that statement."
J.D.: Listen: I know you hate everything about Ms. Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it is our moral obligation to treat him—whether his daughter is a murderer or a drug addict or a terrorist!
Dr. Cox: I know...but a lawyer?!
J.D.: Even a lawyer!
Dr. Cox: I know...but a lawyer?!
J.D.: Even a lawyer!
—Scrubs, "My Malpractice Decision"
Music
A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer; well, I suppose that proves they're really not all bad.
—"Weird Al" Yankovic, "Jurassic Park"
Newspaper
People always ask me how come the newspaper prints so much bad news? How come the front page always has negative headlines like "Freak Espresso Machine Explosion Destroys Crowded Starbucks?" Why don't we print stories with a positive slant, like "Destroyed Starbucks Was Popular Gathering Place for Lawyers?"
— Dave Barry, "A leap in cow control"
Theatre
Jack Cade: Be brave, then; for your captain is brave, and vows reformation (...) there shall be no money; all shall eat and drink on my score; and I will apparel them all in one livery, that they may agree like brothers, and worship me their lord.
Dick the butcher: The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers!
Cade: Nay, that I mean to do. Is not this a lamentable thing, that of the skin of an innocent lamb should be made parchment? that parchment, being scribbled o'er, should undo a man?
Dick the butcher: The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers!
Cade: Nay, that I mean to do. Is not this a lamentable thing, that of the skin of an innocent lamb should be made parchment? that parchment, being scribbled o'er, should undo a man?
Now when you choose a law career
The moment you embark
There is that joke you're bound to hear
"A lawyer is a shark"
Ignore that, it's simplistic and it's dumb
Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some
The rest... are chum
The moment you embark
There is that joke you're bound to hear
"A lawyer is a shark"
Ignore that, it's simplistic and it's dumb
Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some
The rest... are chum
— Professor Callahan, Legally Blonde "Blood in the Water"
Video Games
"But I'm a lawyer! I'm not supposed to be nice!"
— Apollo Justice, Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers are in Hell?"
"So here I am, at probably the worst school in the country, whose alumni are nothing but arms dealers, serial killers, and corporate lawyers. Real scum."
— Jimmy Hopkins on Bullworth Academy, Bully
Webcomics
[inset panel: Richard, touring Pixar HQ, passes posters displaying "What if X had feelings", followed by a man pitching a film idea labelled "Tim, the little _______"]
Ed Catmull: Now you're going too far, Pete.
Novil: [holding above panel] Hmm...
Natasha: Lawyer?
Bibiana: Definitely lawyer.
Novil: Excuse me?! That’s such a dumb, old cliché. Lawyers are people like you and me, with the same dreams, hopes and feelings.
[Beat Panel]
[Novil, Bibiana, and Natasha all laugh]
Novil: Lawyer, it is.
Bibiana: I love how you can say such crazy things with a completely straight face.
Ed Catmull: Now you're going too far, Pete.
Novil: [holding above panel] Hmm...
Natasha: Lawyer?
Bibiana: Definitely lawyer.
Novil: Excuse me?! That’s such a dumb, old cliché. Lawyers are people like you and me, with the same dreams, hopes and feelings.
[Beat Panel]
[Novil, Bibiana, and Natasha all laugh]
Novil: Lawyer, it is.
Bibiana: I love how you can say such crazy things with a completely straight face.
Web Original
Hell exists and is a tangible place full of devils, and if you can't say the devil is evil, you really need to quit gaming and go to law school.
Not long after [Thomas] Lowe began representing a long-term acquaintance in her divorce, he chatted her up on the finer points of her marital sex life, told her how hot she was, and then leaned against his shelf full of impressive-looking law books, nodded suggestively toward his crotch, and said, "Eh?" ...At this point, Lowe — who, in case we haven't mentioned it, was quite married — actually tallied up their encounters and billed her for his time at various intervals. While we would like to report that he itemized their lovemaking ("EROTIC SPANKING, WITH BABY TALK — 15 MIN"), he actually disguised the details with terms like "meetings" or "drafting memos" (we can only hope he actually included the sarcastic quotation marks on his invoices).
In a World… where video game protagonists aren't shining pillars of justice, but brooding, morally grey anti-heroes, step into the well-shined shoes of the most inherently evil main character you've ever played: a lawyer.
Cell: Can I sue somebody in hell?
Raditz: There are enough lawyers.
Raditz: There are enough lawyers.
— HFIL
Western Animation
Norm: All right, all right, I'll give you three more wishes. Alright, smart guy, what are your three wishes this time? And seriously, you probably wanna do the teeth thing. Come on now, kid, try to outwit me. You can do it. And by that I mean you can not do it.
Timmy Turner: He's right. I can't, not by myself. If I am going to get Cosmo and Wanda back, and undo all of Norm's tricks, I am going to need someone as dishonest and devious as a 50,000 year old magical jerk. I wish I had a lawyer.
Fairy Mason: Yeah, yeah, five aces. Huh? What?
Timmy Turner: He's right. I can't, not by myself. If I am going to get Cosmo and Wanda back, and undo all of Norm's tricks, I am going to need someone as dishonest and devious as a 50,000 year old magical jerk. I wish I had a lawyer.
Fairy Mason: Yeah, yeah, five aces. Huh? What?
— The Fairly OddParents!, "Genie Meanie Minie Mo"
Huey Freeman: Don't you know CPR?
Lawyer: I'm a lawyer, we don't help people!
Lawyer: I'm a lawyer, we don't help people!
— The Boondocks, "The Itis"
Harvey Dent: I can't be confused with you! You're a soulless criminal and professional thief, whereas I'm a lawyer!
Two-Face: I guess we got more in common than I thought...
Two-Face: I guess we got more in common than I thought...
[Pinky, Brain and Snowball are cornered by three men in suits acting savagely]
Brain: Wild beasts!
Snowball: Worse, those are my lawyers. Dr. Mordeau turned my lawyers into blood-hungry savages!
Pinky: Zort! How can you tell?
Brain: Wild beasts!
Snowball: Worse, those are my lawyers. Dr. Mordeau turned my lawyers into blood-hungry savages!
Pinky: Zort! How can you tell?
— Pinky and the Brain, "Brainwashed, Part 3: Wash Harder"
Luci: (having been sucked into a jar by an exorcist) You can't do this to me, man! I want my lawyer!
Other demon in a jar: Uh, I'm in here. Don't. Say. Anything.
Other demon in a jar: Uh, I'm in here. Don't. Say. Anything.
Did you hear the one about...? (unreferenced)
- What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a low-life bottom-feeding scum sucker; the other's a fish.
- Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
- What do you call a lawyer with an 80 IQ? Your Honor!note
- Similar: A-average law students become professors and make articles. B-average law students become judges and make decisions. And C-average law students become corporate attorneys and make bank.
- Two farmers were arguing about the ownership of a cow, so they called their lawyers. The lawyers arrived and the farmers continued arguing, tugging the animal's tether back and forth. The lawyers went to work: they walked to the back of the animal and together proceeded to milk it dry.
- What's the difference between a dead skunk at the side of the road and a dead lawyer at the side of the road? Skid marks in front of the skunk.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops fucking you when you're dead.
- What do you call 100 lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
- What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
- What do you call a lawyer at the bottom of the ocean? A problem. What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A problem. What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A problem...what do you call all the lawyers in the world at the bottom of the ocean? Problem solved.
- What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
- What do you do if you're in a room with a snake, a tiger, a lawyer, and a gun with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
- What do you do if you're in a room with a lawyer, Adolf Hitler, and a gun with only one bullet? Give the gun to Hitler, so that he could have the honor.
- In the beginning, God said "Let there be light!" And the lawyer said, "What colour?"
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a mud crab? One is a bottom-feeding, scum-sucking animal, and the other is a crab.
- What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? A vulture can't take off his wingtips.
- A [rural stereotype] is visiting the city for the first time when he sees a funeral procession, and asks somebody who it's for. He shows surprise on hearing that the deceased was a lawyer: "You mean you bury lawyers here?" "Well, sure. Don't you?" "No, we don't. When a lawyer dies, we just leave the body in an empty room overnight, and the morning there's nothing left but a smell of brimstone."
- Did you hear about the terrorist who kidnapped a dozen lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour unless his demands were met.
- A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway. Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks defiance.
- He saw a lawyer killing a viper
On a dunghill by his stable
And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind
Of Cain and his brother Abel.Samuel Taylor Coleridge. - What's the definition of a shame? A bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff into the ocean.
What's the definition of a crying shame? There was an empty seat! - A disgruntled guy walks into a bar, takes a seat, orders a drink, and says in a loud voice to the bartender "man, lawyers are assholes." The man next to him taps him in the shoulder and says "hey, buddy, I take offense to that." "Why, are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole!"
- A famous law firm is cited by the Equal Rights Commission for not having any women lawyers. The firm is mandated to hire three women lawyers and make one of them partner. The firm hires three women, but has trouble deciding who to make partner, so they devise a test. On their next paycheck, the firm overpays them by $5,000. The first woman takes the money and says nothing. The second woman immediately returns the check. The third woman takes the money, but a week later comes back with a check for $7,000. The woman claims she had a good stock tip and wanted to split the difference with the firm. So, who was made partner? The answer: the one with the biggest tits.
- What this trope fails to realize is that not all lawyers are bad. It's just the 99% of them who ruin it for the rest.
- An old legal puzzle concerns the different rules on marriage in various U.S. states in the early 20th century. Suppose that in 1920, James, who is white, marries Emily (also white) in South Carolina. In 1924, he catches Emily cheating and wants a divorce, but South Carolina refuses to recognize divorce. He then separates from Emily and gets a divorce in New York, and then, in 1925, marries Susan, who is black. In 1927, he then separates from Susan, without getting divorced and moves to Georgia (which does not recognize inter-racial marriages but does recognize New York divorces) where he marries Lucy (white again). Then, in 1929, he sets sail for England on a British-registered ship and drops dead while in international waters. Under South Carolina law, the widow is Emily, and only Emily. Under New York law, the widow is Susan, and only Susan. Under Georgia law, the widow is Lucy, and only Lucy. Federal law (at the time) refused to endorse any state's marriage laws over the other,note maritime law has nothing to say about inheritance, and British law by its own terms does not apply to this case. So who gets his inheritance? You needed a spoiler for this? THE LAWYERS.
- Jack Strange, Esq, an elderly lawyer, once asked a funeral director to prepare a tombstone for him. The wording he wanted was simply "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." The funeral director reminded him that there was no name on the tombstone. "No need," said the lawyer, "anyone who reads the words 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man' will instantly think 'That's Strange!' "
- A joke on Prairie Home Companion had a young boy asking his mother "Do they ever put two people in the same grave?", his mother saying "No, why?" and the boy saying "Because that one there says 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
- A classic cartoon from the 18th century was entitled "Litigation." It showed a cow, with "The Plaintiff" pulling on the horns, "The Defendant" pulling on the tail, "The Judge" watching them and "The Lawyer" milking it.
- Sandra Day O'Connor was the first woman judge on the U.S. Supreme Court and decided a number of important cases. Still, she will probably be remembered as the person who said that Washington D.C. had more lawyers than people.
- Dave Barry took it further, claiming that there are roughly four lawyers for every person in the United States.
- So a lawyer walks into a Bar Association meeting...
- The Pope dies and is accidentally sent to Hell. God asks Satan to send him back up, but Satan refuses. God then threatens to sue the Devil, who merely laughs and asks: "Oh yeah? And where, pray tell, do you intend to find your lawyers?" God laughs back and says: "All the really good lawyers talked their way out of Hell, and into Heaven."
- What's the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
- How do you stop a Lawyer from drowning?
- Take your foot off their head.
- OR: Shoot them before they hit the water.
- OR: You don't.
- What do you do when there are 50 dead lawyers lying in the street in front of you?
- Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got dibs.
- Jersey already has an evil monster in a suit that ruins the lives of innocent people.
- And he scared all the lawyers away because even Slendy thinks lawyers are terrible.
- In the beginning God created light. Out of spite Devil created darkness. God created Man, Devil followed up with Woman. God created a lawyer, Devil pondered for a while...and created a second lawyer.
- Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet under instead of the standard 6? Because deep down, lawyers really are good people.
- Recently, scientists have started replacing lab rats for lawyers, for three reasons: 1) The scientists grow less attached to lawyers. 2) There are certain things rats would never do. 3) There are more lawyers than rats nowadays.
- However, they soon after switched back to rats, as rats are closer to human beings.
- A woman is going to see her doctor about a rather unusual occurrence. "You see doctor...well, this is awfully embarrassing, but last night, well, my husband, he....I mean, I.....well, we had anal sex." "I see. Do you find it painful?" "No, actually, it was quite different. Are there any special precautions we need to make?" "No, as long as you make sure not to get pregnant" "Of course - wait, I can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course my dear, where do you think Lawyers come from?"
- There is a book called Lawyers and Other Reptiles. An anonymous quote on the jacket is "It was so cold that a lawyer had his hands in his own pockets."
- A surgeon, and engineer, and a lawyer (or politician) have an argument about what the oldest profession is. The surgeon says, "God created Eve by removing Adam's rib, so the oldest profession is a surgeon." The engineer says, "But before that, God created the universe out of nothing but chaos and darkness, so the oldest profession is an engineer." The lawyer then smugly asks, "Ah, but who do you think was responsible for all that chaos and darkness?"
- An elderly, nearly blind woman hired a lawyer to draft her will. When it was completed, the lawyer charged her one hundred dollars. She handed the lawyer a hundred-dollar bill but failed to notice that a second hundred-dollar bill was stuck to it. Immediately the lawyer realized he was faced with a vital ethical question: "Should I tell my partner?"
- "They all laid their heads together like as many lawyers when they are gettin' ready to prove that a man's heirs ain't got any right to his property"~Mark Twain
- "It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour."~Thomas Jefferson (Rather an odd one, as Jefferson was a lawyer himself.)
- Then there's the lawyer who in 1980 bragged that while en route from New York to San Francisco to take care of a matter for IBM, he used the airborne hours to work on a General Motors case– and billed both IBM and General Motors $250 for the time he was airborne.
- What does a lawyer use as a contraceptive? His personality.
- In 1971, an attorney filed suit in Pennsylvania against Satan and his servants, claiming they had placed obstacles in his client's path which had caused his downfall. To the attorney's dismay, the complaint was denied on the grounds that the defendant did not reside in Pennsylvania.
- "I don't give a shit what happens. I want you to stonewall it, let them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else..."~attorney (and President) Richard M. Nixon to attorney (and Attorney General) John Mitchell, sitting around the Oval Office discussing Watergate.
- A REALLY, REALLY BAD DAY: August 21, 1878: At a meeting in Saratoga, New York, the American Bar Association was founded.
- A lawyer stepped in some cow dung and thought he was melting.
- When an elderly New York lawyer, after a typically long life of sin, was told he had only days to live, he rushed home and began to frantically leaf through the Bible, looking for loopholes.
- "The problem is not that you can buy a congressman for $10,000 but that you can buy a Washington lawyer for $100,000."~former FCC commissioner Nicholas Johnson.
- "A man who never graduated from school might steal from a freight car. But a man who attends college and graduates a lawyer might steal the whole railroad."~ President Theodore Roosevelt, attempting to persuade his son to become a lawyer
- At a cemetery outside of Buffalo three men–a contractor, a physician, and a lawyer– joined the grieving widow at the services for their dearest friend. The widow asked if each could place an offering in the casket, as this had long been a custom in her husband's family. The contractor nodded his head and then said a short prayer before placing a hundred-dollar bill in the casket. The physician, nearly in tears, also placed a hundred-dollar bill in the casket. Then the lawyer scribbled out a check for three hundred dollars, put it in the casket, and pocketed the two hundred dollars in cash.
- "As we watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation hearings, all of the commentators said the same thing: 'One of these people in the room is lying.' Do you believe that? You've got two lawyers and 14 senators in the room, and only one of them is lying?"~Jay Leno
- When a Cleveland lawyer got an Akron girl pregnant, he actually offered (to the astonishment of his partners) to do the right and proper thing–marry her. But she refused his proposal. Stunned, the lawyer insisted on knowing why. Her reply: "Well, my parents may not have much money or schooling but they have their pride. So when I told them about my condition, everyone pretty much felt that it was better to have a bastard in the family rather than a lawyer."
- A stranger walked up the street of a small Kentucky town until he found someone he thought was surely a native. "Pardon me," the stranger asked, "are you a resident of this town?" "Yep, have been for forty years. Something I can do for you?" "I'm looking for a criminal lawyer. Have you got one here?" "Well, I suppose we do, but we can't prove it on him."
- The difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers in it is that the porcupine's pricks are on the outside.
- "He was a lawyer, yet not a rascal, and the people were astonished."~anonymous, said of Saint Ives, a thirteenth century lawyer and a saint.
- St. Ives was sitting as a judge when a rich man sued a beggar for trespass: the beggar had been standing outside the rich man's kitchen and smelling the food inside. St. Ives got the beggar to drop a coin onto his judge's bench and dismissed the case with the words, "The sound has paid for the smell." (The same story is told of Goha/Nasreddin, The Trickster imam of Sufi Islam, with variants all the way from Japan to Britain.)
- Spanish Proverbs:
- "Win your lawsuit, lose your money."
- "A peasant between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."
- "May you face lawsuits and win them." - Reputed to be a Gypsy Curse.note
- A prominent Boston physician was vacationing north of Boston near Manchester beach when he wandered into a carpenter's shop. There he was soon intrigued by the wooden sculpture of a rat and inquired as to its availability. "That damn piece has been brought back to me twice," said the carpenter, "so although it's worth much more, you can have it for five dollars." The doctor bought the rat sculpture and continued on his walk. After a bit, he noticed several rats scurrying about. Then he noticed more rats. And then suddenly there were hundreds, seemingly thousands of rats– and they were following him! Certain that the rats must have something to do with the sculpture, he ran to the harbor and threw the sculpture into the water. Without hesitation, all the rats followed it to their watery death. Immediately, the doctor returned to the carpenter's shop, where he was rebuffed by the owner: "No, no! Now get out of here, sir! I'm not taking that sculpture back!" "Calm down," said the doctor reassuringly. "I only wanted to know if you might have a sculpture of a lawyer?"
- How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
- OR: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
- Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
- That's only fifty-three...
- And who do you think wrote all that out?
- Danish Proverbs:
- "Lawyers and painters can soon change white to black."
- "Virtue down the middle," said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.
- Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S. Grant did not recommend himself to strangers by his looks. He once entered an inn on a stormy winter night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as Grant appeared and said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen, and by the looks of him he's traveled through hell itself to get here." "That's right," said Grant cheerfully. "And how did you find things down there?" "Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to the fire."
- There are more lawyers in just Washington, D.C., than in all of Japan.
- "They've got about as many lawyers as we have sumo wrestlers."~Lee Iacocca, on the lack of litigation among Japanese businesses.
- How do you know when a lawyer is lying? His lips move.
- The priest's friend loses his faith, the doctor's his health, the lawyer's his fortune.~Venetian Proverb.
- What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.
- "The appearance in our courts of these learned gentlemen of the law, who can make black appear white and white appear black, is forbidden."~1864 decree (and still in effect), government of Andorra.
- On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." He leaves. The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple. "You can get married in Heaven." "Awesome!" the couple responds enthusiastically. "But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?" "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?"
- A man was walking down the beach, when he came across a lamp. Not being one to discount tradition, he rubbed it, and to his surprise a genie appeared. "You may have three wishes, but there is one condition: Anything you wish for, all the world's lawyers get double.""Okay," says the man. "I want a million dollars." He got a million dollars and every lawyer got two million dollars. "I want a new Porsche." He got a new Porsche, and every lawyer got two new Porches. "And your third wish?" "I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
- Alternate punchline: "Beat me half to death."
- What happens to a lawyer if he takes a Viagra? He sits up straight.
- There was a female lawyer who had sex with one of her clients who was in prison. Rather perverted, isn't it? I mean, sex with a lawyer!
- What is the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't claim to be a lawyer.
- What's the difference between a lawyer joke and an actual lawyer? One has a punch line, and the other has a line of people waiting to punch him!
- A rabbit bumped into a snake. The snake snapped, "Watch where you're going!" "I can't. I'm blind." "So am I! Do you think you could feel me and tell me what I am?" "If you do the same for me!" Soon after, the rabbit asked, "So what am I?" "You have fluffy tail, long ears, strong back legs, and buck teeth, so you must be a rabbit! And what am I?" "You have scaly skin, a forked tongue, no balls, and you're cold, so you must be a lawyer!"
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire bat? One is a bloodsucking rodent and the other is a bat.
- There's a joke about two men walking along the beach: one of them spots an oyster and the other picks it up. The two men then argue over who should get to eat it. A lawyer walks by and asks them what the problem was, stating that he was a lawyer and could help them. Both men tell their tale and the lawyer says "I have come to a decision, hand the oyster to me." The men do so, and then watch in confusion as the lawyer eats the oyster and then hands them each a shell. "What the hell?" The two men ask, to which the lawyer says "You both deserved an equal share of the oyster. The meat itself was my pay for helping."
- Whether he was an evil lawyer or not depends on your point of view, I guess; but a Scottish public defender was once overheard telling his client, "Laddie, it's no' my job to get you found innocent; it's my job to make sure your guilt is proven beyond any reasonable doubt."
- From the perspective of the profession, this makes him
Lawful Neutral—which is exactly what a PD should be.
- From the perspective of the profession, this makes him
- A lawyer buys a tombstone and he asks the stone-cutter to put on it, "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer." The stone cutter tells the lawyer that they aren't legally allowed to bury two men in the same grave.
- A man goes to the doctor and is told that he will die soon. The man on his deathbed asks for his lawyer to be present. When the lawyer arrives he asks his client what legal advice he may need, the man replies that he doesn't need that. When asked why he is here by his side the man responds saying, "Jesus died with a thief by his side, I just wanted to go out the same way."
- He often invites a doctor as well, because Jesus died between two thieves.
- A lawyer died in poverty and friends and family decided to collect money for a funeral. One of the persons asked to donate offered twenty times the asked value and told the collectors to bury 20 lawyers.
- A lawyer went to the courtroom as a witness. As soon as he swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, the judge ordered the lawyer to be arrested for perjury.
- Ironic because lawyers are actually considered "officers of the court" meaning they are not sworn in and are expected to be under oath at all times.
- A lawyer and the Pope die in the same day and both of them go to heaven. The lawyer gets better treatment. The reason: the Heaven is already full of Popes but that was the first lawyer to show up.
- How do you know a lawyer is about to lie? - He opens his mouth.
- A lawyer died and St. Peter denied him entrance in Heaven because there were no available places for lawyers. The lawyer then demanded to know who that man was to say that. After St. Peter answered, the lawyer demanded proof of his identity. Not knowing what to do, St. Peter asked for Jesus Christ's help. The lawyer also demanded proof of Christ's identity. Jesus then asked for God's advice. God then decided to allow the lawyer in before the lawyer demanded proof of His identity.
- A young lawyer died and protested, claiming to be too young to die. Upon verifying the lawyer's claim, St. Peter found out that the lawyer charged his clients by the hour and, according to the number of hours he claimed to have worked for his clients, he was 105 years old.
- Questions lawyers often ask their clients: 1) How much money do you have? 2) Where can you get more? 3) Is there anything you can take from somebody?
- The funny thing is, this is exactly true of bankruptcy lawyers in the US...because they need this information to fill out the bankruptcy petition (the point of bankruptcy is seeing how much the debtor has in assets and income to see how best to pay his/her creditors, and a potential lawsuit against someone is considered an "asset" of the debtor, since if the debtor wins, they can get money to pay the creditors). If they don't ask these questions, in
excruciating detail, the court will fine them for lying about the debtor's assets. That's right...the court enforces the joke on the lawyers.
- The funny thing is, this is exactly true of bankruptcy lawyers in the US...because they need this information to fill out the bankruptcy petition (the point of bankruptcy is seeing how much the debtor has in assets and income to see how best to pay his/her creditors, and a potential lawsuit against someone is considered an "asset" of the debtor, since if the debtor wins, they can get money to pay the creditors). If they don't ask these questions, in
- Lawyer commandment: Everyone is innocent until proven broke.
- Two lawyers are in a cafe, and they take out sandwiches that they packed at home and begin eating. A waiter comes by and says "I'm sorry sirs, but you can't eat food you brought here yourself." The lawyers look at him, think for a second, then exchange their sandwiches and continue eating.
- A man has fallen onto the train tracks, and many commuters gather round, trying to get him back up. "Give me your hand, give me your hand!" they cry, in vain. The man refuses to budge. All of a sudden, an older man arrives and asks "son, what is your profession?" "I...I'm a lawyer," the man on the tracks stammers. The older man sighs and says "take my hand", which the lawyer does, and he is rescued in the nick of time as a train pulls up to the station. "Never tell a lawyer to give you anything," the older man explains to the crowd.
- The joke goes at least back to Nasreddin.
- A young man has finished law school and enters the practice of his father. The proud father lets him work on one of his cases, involving a big inheritance and points out that there's a lot of money in the case for him. Six weeks later, the son proclaims: "Dad, I won the case!" The father is enraged: "You won? You idiot! I paid your law school from that case!"
- Some variants have the entire family living on the case for a century.
- An old man goes to his lawyer and asks what he has to do to become a lawyer, explaining that he wants to become one before he passes on. The lawyer wonders why the old man would want to become a lawyer at this late stage in his life, but since the old man says he'll pay him to show him the ropes, he thinks nothing of it. So the old man goes to college and gets his law degree, then takes the bar exam and passes. Shortly afterward, the old man is on his deathbed, and the lawyer asks, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a lawyer when you knew you didn't have that long left to live anyway." As the old man takes his last breath, he manages to whisper, "One less lawyer in the world..."
- It's also often told about religion or political parties.
- A young man decides to enroll in a law school. Before he's admitted, he stands before the recruitment commission: "well, Mr. X, could you tell us why do you wish to study law?" The man responds, "c'mon, Dad, don't be silly..."
- I also know many men and women of honor, humility, and Christian piety serving in prestigious positions in politics, the military, and journalism. Even – amazing grace! – a few lawyers.TheCatholicThing.org
- A lawyer was driving down the street, when he saw a man chewing on grass. Confused, the lawyer stops and asks what he's doing. The man responds, "I'm homeless, poor and starving, my friend, and if I don't eat something I will die". Listening to his story, the lawyer says: "Well, come with me then. I have a farm not far from here you can use". Happy, the homeless man enters the car and the lawyer promptly takes him to his farm. Once they arrive, the lawyer looks at the man and says: "I'm sure you'll love this place. The grass here is five foot tall!".
- A man accused of robbing a bank of $300 million approached an attorney to defend him. Upon learning that the man had not actually taken the money, the lawyer promptly dropped the case.
- Don't tell my mother I'm a lawyer. She thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
- A job interview in a prestigious law firm. The interviewer asks the applicant: "Imagine three men in shark-infested waters. One of them is unarmed, the second one has a knife, the third one has a harpoon gun. Who do you associate yourself with?" "The third one, of course." "I'm afraid I have to decline your application - our employees must associate themselves with the sharks."
- A dying lawyer is determined to disprove the old adage that "you can't take it with you." He asks his wife to fill a bag with money and place it in the attic above his bed, so that when he passes he can grab it as he ascends to heaven. His wife complies. The morning after he finally dies, she goes up into the attic and sees the bag of money, still sitting there. "Poor old fool," she sighs, "though I suppose it's partly my fault. I knew I should have put the bag in the basement."
- Genie: I will grant you three wishes.
Man: I wish for a world without lawyers!
Genie: [snaps fingers] Done! You have no more wishes.
Man: What?! But you said I got three!
Genie: [shrugs] Sue me. - An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
- How are lawyers like sperm cells? One in three millions has a chance to become a human being.
