"Peter, what you did to me today was as mean as anything you've ever done. This past week, when I read those notes, for the first time in my life I felt really attractive and special. I felt like someone out there really cared about me. And today was the day I was going to meet him. Do you have any idea how happy and nervous and excited I was?! Then you pop out and laugh, 'ha ha ha, Sucker- it was all a joke!' Well, it wasn't a joke to me, and it certainly wasn't what I would call funny!"
— Paige Fox, FoxTrot, regarding Peter sending her fake love letters.
“There’s a difference between wanting to make a good impression and wanting to be a good host,” Dad said in his I-am-not-amused-young-man voice. “And I think that we owe it to everyone to be good hosts.”
I opened my mouth to make some sarcastic comment about how I’d never been a good host in my life and was offended he’d ever think otherwise—and then gave up, shutting it without saying anything else. Things were… different, since the war, and apparently this was going to be one of them. My dad never used to get worked up about anything. Tended to let Jake and I do whatever we wanted as long as (the way he always put it) neither of us was breaking any laws. These days, it sometimes felt like a crapshoot about what would set him off and what he would let go without a word.
I opened my mouth to make some sarcastic comment about how I’d never been a good host in my life and was offended he’d ever think otherwise—and then gave up, shutting it without saying anything else. Things were… different, since the war, and apparently this was going to be one of them. My dad never used to get worked up about anything. Tended to let Jake and I do whatever we wanted as long as (the way he always put it) neither of us was breaking any laws. These days, it sometimes felt like a crapshoot about what would set him off and what he would let go without a word.
— Tom's narration, Eleutherophobia: Back to the Future
Vegeta: Hey Kakarot! What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?
Goku: ...Huh?
Vegeta: Christopher Reeve! (crushes Goku's legs)
Goku: AAAAAGHHHHH!... (moans in pain) That was in terrible taaaste!
Vegeta: Don't care! Evil!
Goku: ...Huh?
Vegeta: Christopher Reeve! (crushes Goku's legs)
Goku: AAAAAGHHHHH!... (moans in pain) That was in terrible taaaste!
Vegeta: Don't care! Evil!
Edgeworth: Something amusing, detective?
Gumshoe: Ron Hover was run over... It gets me every time, sir.
Judge: Would the witness please refrain from laughing at the victim's misfortune? After all, it's not his fault that his parents named him to bring about his fateful demise.
Gumshoe: Ron Hover was run over... It gets me every time, sir.
Judge: Would the witness please refrain from laughing at the victim's misfortune? After all, it's not his fault that his parents named him to bring about his fateful demise.
— Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
, an Ace Attorney fanfic.
, an Ace Attorney fanfic.Film — Live-Action
Improv Guy: So, first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Improv Guy: Okay. Okay, uh, maybe something else. Alright, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Improv Guy: Okay, alright, for real, guys! For real! Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Improv Guy: Alright, we've heard from these guys. Uh, let's see if we can give somebody else over here a chance. Um, how about a location? let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Improv Guy: Okay, seriously, sir. Uh, I just need a location!
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings' cockpit!
Improv Guy: Okay, I heard "Starbucks."
Ted: No, you didn't.
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Improv Guy: Alright, Starbucks. Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Improv Guy: You people are monsters!
John: Oh, we're giving you the tools, buddy! C'mon, make some fucking comedy!
Ted: 9/11!
Improv Guy: Okay. Okay, uh, maybe something else. Alright, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Improv Guy: Okay, alright, for real, guys! For real! Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Improv Guy: Alright, we've heard from these guys. Uh, let's see if we can give somebody else over here a chance. Um, how about a location? let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Improv Guy: Okay, seriously, sir. Uh, I just need a location!
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings' cockpit!
Improv Guy: Okay, I heard "Starbucks."
Ted: No, you didn't.
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Improv Guy: Alright, Starbucks. Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Improv Guy: You people are monsters!
John: Oh, we're giving you the tools, buddy! C'mon, make some fucking comedy!
— Ted 2
Joker: Knock knock.
Murray: Who's there?
Joker: It's the police ma'am. Your son has been hit by a drunk driver. He's dead.
[crowd boos]
Dr. Sally: No, no no no no, you cannot joke about that!
Murray: Yeah, that's not funny, Arthur. That's not the kind of humor we do on the show.
Murray: Who's there?
Joker: It's the police ma'am. Your son has been hit by a drunk driver. He's dead.
[crowd boos]
Dr. Sally: No, no no no no, you cannot joke about that!
Murray: Yeah, that's not funny, Arthur. That's not the kind of humor we do on the show.
Even with the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made.
Creighton: OK, now I'm gonna do something called Wacky Headlines.
Person 1: Oo, I love this kind of stuff!
Person 3: Me, too!
Creighton: 'Alligator eats man', 'Homeless shelter burns down', 'Train wreck kills seven.'
Person 4: Those aren't wacky, they're tragic!
Person 1: Oo, I love this kind of stuff!
Person 3: Me, too!
Creighton: 'Alligator eats man', 'Homeless shelter burns down', 'Train wreck kills seven.'
Person 4: Those aren't wacky, they're tragic!
— Diary of a Wimpy Kid, "Do-it-Yourself Book"
[Neil walks into the cafeteria to see bear-themed decorations.]
Neil: Here are your sodas... Oh my god.
Jeff: Pretty great.
Duncan: Yeah. Bear down, baby.
Neil: Too soon, you guys. This is way too soon.
Shirley: Too soon for wha—
Neil: Too soon for THIS! After this morning in Wisconsin? (scoffs) Bear breaks loose at a kid's birthday party, mauls a whole bunch of people?
(Shirley, unaware of this, is shocked.)
Neil: Why am I explaining this when this is obviously a ghoulish reference to it? The news has been covering it all morning!
(Everyone now appears guilty. Jeff looks at Chang.)
Chang: (snaps fingers) THAT'S where I got the idea. You know how sometimes you hear something and you forget you heard it, but you think YOU came up with... Oh, man. This is bad. (snaps fingers again) We're in crisis mode now. We really messed up, you guys.
"There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians. JFK. AIDS. The Holocaust. The Lincoln assassination just recently became funny. 'I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.' And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
— Michael Scott, The Office (US), "Casino Night"
Ted: Barney, the three-days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, don't do this, not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing; he waited three days to come back to life.
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, don't do this, not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing; he waited three days to come back to life.
Fozzie: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Waldorf: I don't know, what do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Fozzie: Half-way!
Waldorf: That's pretty funny.
Statler: No, it isn't.
Waldorf: Hmm?
Statler: I was on that ship. It wasn't funny then, and it isn't funny now!
Waldorf: *chuckles anyway*
Waldorf: I don't know, what do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Fozzie: Half-way!
Waldorf: That's pretty funny.
Statler: No, it isn't.
Waldorf: Hmm?
Statler: I was on that ship. It wasn't funny then, and it isn't funny now!
Waldorf: *chuckles anyway*
Laugh and laugh 'til all the chameleons turn black
Laugh and laugh 'til you're told "Please don't come back"
Laugh and laugh 'til you're told "Please don't come back"
— The Tragically Hip, "World Container"
When you laugh about people who feel so very lonely
Their only desire is to die
Well, I'm afraid
It doesn't make me smile
Their only desire is to die
Well, I'm afraid
It doesn't make me smile
— The Smiths, "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore"
Leif: The border guard's massive...ly down in the dumps.
Kabbu: Leif! How crass, to jab at her with such wordplay in her moment of weakness!
Vi: YEAH! Leif, you're the worst!
Leif: Hey, it was just a joke...
Kabbu: Leif! How crass, to jab at her with such wordplay in her moment of weakness!
Vi: YEAH! Leif, you're the worst!
Leif: Hey, it was just a joke...
Sylvain: Wait! I remember now! She was that girl, wasn't she? The one you gave a dagger to! Heh, so your little girlfriend was Edelgard.
Dimitri: Sylvain. If you have any more foolish things to say, please hold them for later.
Dimitri: Sylvain. If you have any more foolish things to say, please hold them for later.
"Smoke Peterson been here one day. One day too much! He think he funny. I think he crazy. I no stay if he stays!
— Hector Alvarez, Jagged Alliance
"You've gone entirely too far! Comedy is comedy, but this, this is... Monstrous!"
— Philo Pennysworth, Sam & Max
"I wanna scold you for trying to pull such a morbid prank on us, and I can't believe Runa was going to play along with it. But it sounds like something that would've been rather easy to see through. So I guess I can let it slide. Still, never even think about something like that again. Playing with your friends' emotions like that, just for the sake of a prank, is just... Well, I guess I don't even need to say it."
— Taiko Kikai, Shinrai: Broken Beyond Despair
Halligan: I didn't see any enquiry results from the information department in your file. Is that right?
Lowry: Of course. Thanks to these bloody new security regulations. Which were introduced thanks to you, Halligan. If you hadn't gone and put a warrant of apprehension for Prince Charles in the computer after Princess Di's accident, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Halligan: That was just an innocent joke.
Lowry: Innocent, yeah!
Lowry: Of course. Thanks to these bloody new security regulations. Which were introduced thanks to you, Halligan. If you hadn't gone and put a warrant of apprehension for Prince Charles in the computer after Princess Di's accident, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Halligan: That was just an innocent joke.
Lowry: Innocent, yeah!
Yukari: What about you, Junpei? Have you decided?
Junpei: No...
Yukari: [grinning] What's the matter? Scared?
Junpei: ...What the hell do you mean by that? You think this is a joke?
Yukari: Junpei, I...
Junpei: [visibly enraged] We're going to die! Of course I'm scared! You all need to wake up! This is death we're talking about here!
[...]
Yukari: I'm sorry I teased you, Junpei. I was just trying to lighten up the situation.
Junpei: No...
Yukari: [grinning] What's the matter? Scared?
Junpei: ...What the hell do you mean by that? You think this is a joke?
Yukari: Junpei, I...
Junpei: [visibly enraged] We're going to die! Of course I'm scared! You all need to wake up! This is death we're talking about here!
[...]
Yukari: I'm sorry I teased you, Junpei. I was just trying to lighten up the situation.
Jessie: That isn't funny.
Lavinia: What was that?
Jessie: I said that isn't funny. It wasn't funny or clever the first time you said it, and it isn't any more funny or clever now.
Lavinia: What was that?
Jessie: I said that isn't funny. It wasn't funny or clever the first time you said it, and it isn't any more funny or clever now.
— A Little Lily Princess, after Lavinia insults Sara while talking to Jessie, with Sara in earshot.
"Of course you will have to apologize to Baphomet for the broken altar... damn it, no, not even I can joke about this. Ember, honestly, not everyone deserves an apology — no matter how much you've hurt them."
— Daeran Arendae, Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous
Holy smokes, what a place to go!
You'd need a submarine for a blow that low!
You'd need a submarine for a blow that low!
Makoto: Why don't you just be yourself and tell [Rei] how you feel?
Nagisa: Thanks for the life lesson Boy Meets World, how's your repressed love life doing?
Makoto: I don't know, Nagisa, how's your mother's drinking problem?
Nagisa: Below the belt, Makoto.
Nagisa: Thanks for the life lesson Boy Meets World, how's your repressed love life doing?
Makoto: I don't know, Nagisa, how's your mother's drinking problem?
Nagisa: Below the belt, Makoto.
— 50% OFF
Mark: I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of 'em found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Johnny: Ah ha ha ha!
Critic: Ha ha ha ha, that's not funny, you sick fuck.
Johnny: Ah ha ha ha!
Critic: Ha ha ha ha, that's not funny, you sick fuck.
"Okay, let's not kid ourselves here: relationships in Greek Mythology are, almost unilaterally, really bad. Zeus and Hera get some flak for Zeus' nonstop adultering with extremely unwilling mortals and Hera subsequently punishing the innocent mortals involved, but that's got nothing on the story of their actual marriage, which I will not be recounting here because it is so far from consensual that there is no way for me to be funny about it!"
"I am not saying we shouldn't analyze and criticize comedy. Jokes are extremely powerful and important, so I think it's a real vital thing to understand jokes and criticize them, harshly if necessary, if we're gonna understand our own beliefs and values and what effect we have on the people around us and what kind of world we wanna live in. But what I am saying, is that doing so is completely unenjoyable for everyone! It's not enjoyable to write, or to read, or to listen to. Either you're gonna disagree with me, in which case, I'm a buzzkill shitting on your good time, or you agree with me, in which case, you were already offended and not enjoying yourself."
Marc: YEAHHHHH!
Di: Ahhmmm, this is a murder scene.
Marc: I though you were doing a CSI: Miami riff. You know, with the pun. And the glasses.
Di: That still wouldn’t make it okay.
Di: Ahhmmm, this is a murder scene.
Marc: I though you were doing a CSI: Miami riff. You know, with the pun. And the glasses.
Di: That still wouldn’t make it okay.
"It needs more funny, and less make-me-angry."
— Kaff Tagon, Schlock Mercenary
Doctor McNinja: Now, the bad news is that the cancer is back. But there is some good news.
Patient: Did you save a bunch of money on your car insurance, doc?
Doctor McNinja: If a real doctor said that, he would instantly lose his license.
Patient: It's a funny commercial!
Doctor McNinja: Is cancer funny to you? IS CANCER FUNNY TO YOU!?
Patient: Did you save a bunch of money on your car insurance, doc?
Doctor McNinja: If a real doctor said that, he would instantly lose his license.
Patient: It's a funny commercial!
Doctor McNinja: Is cancer funny to you? IS CANCER FUNNY TO YOU!?
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's being raped.
(hangs up; Bart looks at him in disbelief)
Stewie: Is that... is that one?
Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's being raped.
(hangs up; Bart looks at him in disbelief)
Stewie: Is that... is that one?
Judge: Order, please! Order! The court finds in favor of Keebler, Incorporated! (bangs gavel, then leans over to Cookie Monster's mother) I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Cookie Monster's mother: Me son is dead and you make pun!? ME KILL YOU! ME FUCKING KILL YOU! (chews up parts of judge's head in a fit of rage before the bailiffs come in and shoot her dead)
Cookie Monster's mother: Me son is dead and you make pun!? ME KILL YOU! ME FUCKING KILL YOU! (chews up parts of judge's head in a fit of rage before the bailiffs come in and shoot her dead)
Candace: See? Absolute terror! These little creeps have destroyed our backyard, leaving this ugly mess in its place!
(Baljeet, standing in the middle of the empty backyard, waves.)
Linda: Hi, Baljeet. That wasn't very nice, Candace.
(Baljeet, standing in the middle of the empty backyard, waves.)
Linda: Hi, Baljeet. That wasn't very nice, Candace.
— Phineas and Ferb, "One Good Scare Ought to Do It!"
"Lifting weights— Big laugh. Frisbee in face— Kills. Surfing - Knocks 'em dead. Pretending to drown... NO!"
— The title character of SpongeBob SquarePants, "Ripped Pants"
"Some jokes are funny, but not this one, James. You have caused confusion!"
—The Fat Controller/Sir Topham Hatt, Thomas & Friends, "No Joke for James"
"Freedom does not mean license."
— Erich Fromm
Once, in a break, I told him I'd thought of a funny line about someone but I was afraid it might be too sharp. He drummed on his desk with a long pencil and frowned: "If you ever have the slightest doubt about a line don't say it." The best advice.
— Gore Vidal on Johnny Carson, Point to Point Navigation
"It's nice to know I went too far and there's a room full of people saying, 'Yes, you did.'"
"Mike [Wilson] brought me that bitch ad and I thought it was funny. I told Mike people might take it the wrong way, but he just said, 'Don't be a pussy!'"
— John Romero on his immortal Daikatana advertisements
Sometimes I think God hates me, but then I remember it's probably because I do strips like this one.
— Hard, author of Sexy Losers
"I'm just trying to drag this out because honestly, there's a sketch at the end of this show that I really don't like, so I'm hoping this goes long, it'll get cut. I play a woman and I can't tell if it's really transphobic or just really dated."
—Adam Driver opening for Saturday Night Live
"The basic idea of the film, and I think this is kind of where my problem with it is, is that missing trains is funny. That losing your wallet is really funny. That losing your passport and your wallet is really, really, really funny. And that separating a young child from his parent is just more hilarious than we can possibly imagine."
