"I am Dr. Mario and I prescribe high-fives
Laughter's the best medicine, so— (backhands patient) BWAHAHA, you fell down"
Laughter's the best medicine, so— (backhands patient) BWAHAHA, you fell down"
"Dr. Nancy Snyderman achieved the impossible last October when she temporarily dethroned Matt Lauer as the smuggiest smug smugger of the Today show by breaking the voluntary Ebola quarantine she promised to put herself under and by releasing a bullshit statement where she took zero responsibility....I’m sorry! My butt wasn’t bleeding and I wanted mac and cheese. Get over it, you paranoid whores!
And as my mom would say, 'DR. OZ WOULD NEVER!' Dr. Oz would gladly stay in his house and film a month-long special titled: How To Lose Your Stubborn Belly Fat While Under A 21-Day Ebola Quarantine."
"I'm a medicine cat. If you want sympathy, go to the nursery."
— Jayfeather, Warrior Cats
"I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does; chicks, money, power, and chicks."
— Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox, Scrubs
"In the words of the philosopher Scepturn, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?"
— Dr. James "Mossy" Lawn, Night Watch Discworld
"Those people seem to have the mistaken idea that doctors are volunteer workers, or something like that. Our priority is to progress as medical scholars before we save lives."
— Director Heinemann, Monster
Patient's father: How can you treat someone without meeting them?
House: It's easy if you don't give a crap about them.
House: It's easy if you don't give a crap about them.
— House
"Vould you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!"
Q: What's the difference between God and a surgeon?
A: God doesn't think he's a surgeon.
— Traditional pre-op joke.
"Fine, die all on your own. I'll phone a mortician."
— Doctor (if you can't afford their services), EarthBound Beginnings
"Hurry up! What are you missing a leg or some... oh..."
"Attention passengers, the local time... doesn't matter since you'll be dead soon anyway."
"WE'RE HIT!!! WE'RE HIT!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE...haha! Just kidding! Should've seen the looks on your faces!"
"Walk it off!"
"Welcome aboard. Are you an organ donor?"
"Oh suck it up! You act like you got BOTH arms blown off!"
"Attention passengers, the local time... doesn't matter since you'll be dead soon anyway."
"WE'RE HIT!!! WE'RE HIT!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE...haha! Just kidding! Should've seen the looks on your faces!"
"Walk it off!"
"Welcome aboard. Are you an organ donor?"
"Oh suck it up! You act like you got BOTH arms blown off!"
— Terran medivac, Starcraft II
"Rub some dirt on it, ya wimp."
— Support Soldier using a medkit, XCOM: Enemy Unknown
Edmund Blackadder: Look, am I paying for this abuse, or is it extra?
Doctor: No, all part of the service.
Doctor: No, all part of the service.
—Blackadder II
"Just get out already. Seeing happy, healthy people makes me want to vomit."
—Caren Ortensia, Fate/kaleid liner PRISMA☆ILLYA
Stephen Strange: Billy. What have you got for me?
Nurse Billy: I've got a 35-year-old Air Force Colonel, crushed his lower spine in some kind of experimental armor. Mid-thoracic burst fracture.
Strange: Yeah, well, I could help... but so could 50 other people. Find me something worth my time.
Nurse Billy: I've got a 35-year-old Air Force Colonel, crushed his lower spine in some kind of experimental armor. Mid-thoracic burst fracture.
Strange: Yeah, well, I could help... but so could 50 other people. Find me something worth my time.
Doctor: You may see a diabetic, but what I see is a diabetic who will never get his act together.
(a minute later)
Doctor: Let's face it: Sooner or later this will kill you. Probably sooner.
Bill: What should I do?
Doctor: Well, we have plenty of nice pamphlets that I'm sure you'll ignore. But this is how I see your diabetes playing out: First comes heart disease, then kidney failure, then blindness. Oh, and you'll lose your legs to gangrene.
Bill: Are you just giving me tough love?
Doctor: Have you seen other doctors?
Bill: Yes.
Doctor: Did they tell you to diet and exercise?
Bill: Yes.
Doctor: Did you do it?
Bill: ...
Doctor: Here, take this. You'll end up in a wheelchair anyway. Might as well get one now, while you still have good insurance.
- Bill and his doctor, S13 E1, King of the Hill
- Bill and his doctor, S13 E1, King of the Hill
Hurley: What's that thing where doctors make you feel better just by talking to you?
Jack: Bedside manner.
Hurley: Yeah, that. Yours sucks, dude.
Jack: Bedside manner.
Hurley: Yeah, that. Yours sucks, dude.
Mr. Smith: But won't it 'urt?
Dr. Tinkle: Yes, it will hurt, Mr. Smith, and I want it to hurt! Perhaps next time you consider having a lump, you'll think twice about it.
Beauregard: You have a six pack of doughnuts but you don’t have a healer’s kit in there? And you're the cleric? I'm confused...
Jester: I'm the cleric? What is this? I've never traveled with a bunch of people that I thought would DIE in front of me, okay?!
Jester: I'm the cleric? What is this? I've never traveled with a bunch of people that I thought would DIE in front of me, okay?!
"Get off me you freak! I don't care if you're in trouble or not, you don't touch me that way!"
—Dr. Bob, Klay World
