"All the little kids growing up on the skids
Go 'Cleveland rocks!', 'Cleveland rocks!'"
Go 'Cleveland rocks!', 'Cleveland rocks!'"
Fun times in Cleveland today!
Cleveland!
Come on down to Cleveland-town everyone
Come and look at both of our buildings
Buy some food that's prepared near the street
Who knows? You might even see this guy
You should come on down to West Sixth Street
It's the perfect place if you're a douchebag
Watch the poor people all wait for buses
Who the fuck still uses a payphone?
Here's the place where there used to be industry
This train is carrying jobs out of Cleveland
Cleveland leads the nation in drifters
Here's a statue of Moses Cleaveland
He's the guy who invented Cleveland, yeah!
Cleveland!
Come on down to Cleveland-town everyone
Come and look at both of our buildings
Buy some food that's prepared near the street
Who knows? You might even see this guy
You should come on down to West Sixth Street
It's the perfect place if you're a douchebag
Watch the poor people all wait for buses
Who the fuck still uses a payphone?
Here's the place where there used to be industry
This train is carrying jobs out of Cleveland
Cleveland leads the nation in drifters
Here's a statue of Moses Cleaveland
He's the guy who invented Cleveland, yeah!
— Mike Polk, local comedian, Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video
Fun times in Cleveland again!
Still Cleveland!
Come on down to Cleveland Town everyone!
Under construction since 1868!
See our river that catches on fire!
It's so polluted that all our fish have AIDS!
We see the sun almost three times a year
This guy has at least two DUIs
Flats look like a Scooby-Doo ghost town
Don't slow down in east Cleveland or you'll die
Our economy's based on LeBron James
Buy a house for the price of a VCR
Our main export is crippling depression
We're so retarded that we think this is art
It could be worse, though, at least we're not Detroit!
We're not Detroit!
Still Cleveland!
Come on down to Cleveland Town everyone!
Under construction since 1868!
See our river that catches on fire!
It's so polluted that all our fish have AIDS!
We see the sun almost three times a year
This guy has at least two DUIs
Flats look like a Scooby-Doo ghost town
Don't slow down in east Cleveland or you'll die
Our economy's based on LeBron James
Buy a house for the price of a VCR
Our main export is crippling depression
We're so retarded that we think this
is art It could be worse, though, at least we're not Detroit!
We're not Detroit!
— Mike Polk, Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video: 2nd Attempt
"Hey Browns. Mike Polk, season ticket holder. Killer game in Houston today. Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community! You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert.
Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for a team to be this consistently bad than it is for them to occasionally accidentally be good? The probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different sport than you are! And here's what you have to understand: we don't even expect you to be good, we just want you to be watchable.
Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? We don't expect you to win the Super Bowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team! And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.
(Beat)
YOU ARE A FACTORY OF SADNESS!! ... I'll see you Sunday."
Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community! You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert. Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for a team to be this consistently bad than it is for them to occasionally accidentally be good? The probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different sport than you are! And here's what you have to understand: we don't even expect you to be good, we just want you to be watchable.
Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? We don't expect you to win the Super Bowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team! And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.
(Beat)
YOU ARE A FACTORY OF SADNESS!! ... I'll see you Sunday."
Fun times in Clevеland some more!
New Cleveland!
Welcome to New Cleveland town, everyone
No river fires in over 50 years
Our hearts are swelling with pride, plus corned beef
We all wear t-shirts to prove we like living here
This building's no longer haunted by sadness
We win a title about every century
We now have more breweries than citizens
We put up signs to remind us where we live
We added bars and we've legalized gambling
We’re now like Vegas, but cold ten months a year
Welcome to Cleveland, New Major League All-Stars
Spend all your money and have fun while you're here
It could be worse, you could be in... Detroit!
Still not Detroit!
New Cleveland!
Welcome to New Cleveland town, everyone
No river fires in over 50 years
Our hearts are swelling with pride, plus corned beef
We all wear t-shirts to prove we like living here
This building's no longer haunted by sadness
We win a title about every century
We now have more breweries than citizens
We put up signs to remind us where we live
We added bars and we've legalized gambling
We’re now like Vegas, but cold ten months a year
Welcome to Cleveland, New Major League All-Stars
Spend all your money and have fun while you're here
It could be worse, you could be in... Detroit!
Still not Detroit!
— Mike Polk, again, Helpful All Star Game Cleveland Tourism Update (2019)
"The Avengers filmed a lot of the climactic battle scenes in Cleveland because it required less special effects to portray a ruined city."
— Deanspin, "Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Cleveland Browns"
"People of Cleveland, prepare to have your shit be thoroughly disrupted. You won’t be needing those flammable rivers or abandoned factories anymore, because the team has hired former baseball (yes, baseball) executive Paul DePodesta to help run things. And really, if you’re the Browns, why NOT hire this man? It’s not like football people have been much help. Hire a fucking Uber driver while you’re at it."
"In the morning I woke early and experienced that sinking sensation that overcomes you when you first open your eyes and realize that instead of a normal day ahead of you, with its scatterings of simple gratifications, you are going to have a day without even the tiniest of pleasures; you are going to drive across Ohio."
— Bill Bryson, The Lost Continent.
"Look here. To the west of us lie ruins of a considerable settlement marked Cleve-land. I give you my advice as a salvager who has been in such places—keep away. Move to the south, around it."
—Greenberg, to Kinkaid, A Secret History of Time to Come by Robie Macauley.
"Remember the time you lit your cigarette backwards? Smoked it right down. Said it reminded you of Cleveland."
—Happy Hour Is The Saddest Hour Of The Day, by Ray Stevens
