History Quotes / Cleveland

Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for a team to be [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption this consistently bad]] than it is for them to be occasionally accidentally good? The probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different ''sport'' than you are! And here's what you have to understand: we don't even expect you to be ''good'', we just want you to be ''watchable.''\\

-->--'''Ian Hunter''' (''[[CoveredUp not]]'' Music/ThePresidentsOfTheUnitedStatesOfAmerica), [[TropeNamers Trope Namer]]

Come and look at [[OverlyNarrowSuperlative both of our buildings]]\\

--> -- Creator/BillBryson, ''The Lost Continent''.

-->--Greenberg, to Kinkaid, ''A Secret History of Time to Come'' by Robie Macauley.

Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for a team to be [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption this consistently bad]] than it is for them to be accidentally occasionally good? The probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different ''sport'' than you are! And here's what you have to understand: we don't even expect you to be ''good'', we just want you to be ''watchable.''\\

Come and look at [[DamnedByFaintPraise both of our buildings]]\\

->''"Come on down to Cleveland Town everyone!\\
Under construction since 1868!\\
See our river that catches on fire!\\
It's so polluted that all our fish have AIDS!"''
-->-- '''Mike Polk,''' local comedian, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM&feature=related Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video: 2nd Attempt]]

->''"Hey [[UsefulNotes/AmericanFootball Browns]]. Mike Polk, season ticket holder. [[https://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/201111060htx.htm Killer game in Houston today.]] [[SarcasmMode Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community!]] You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert]].\\

Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for a team to be [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption this consistently bad]] than it is for them to be accidentally occasionally good? The probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different ''sport'' than you are! And here's what you have to understand: we don't even expect you to be ''good'', we just want you to be ''watchable.''\\

Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? [[ButtMonkey We don't expect you to win the Super Bowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team!]] And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.\\

(''{{beat}}'')\\

->''"Hey [[UsefulNotes/AmericanFootball Browns]]. Mike Polk, season ticket holder. [[https://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/201111060htx.htm Killer game in Houston today.]] [[SarcasmMode Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community!]] You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert]]. Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption a team to be this consistently bad]] than it is for them to be accidentally occasionally good; the probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different ''sport'' than you are! And here's what you have to understand: we don't even expect you to be ''good'', we just want you to be ''watchable.'' Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? [[ButtMonkey We don't expect you to win the Super Bowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team!]] And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things]]; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.\\

... [[MemeticMutation YOU ARE A FACTORY OF SADNESS]]!!\\
[[HypocriticalHumor I'll see you Sunday]]."''

->''Come on down to Cleveland Town everyone\\
Under construction since 1868\\
See our river that catches on fire\\
It's so polluted that all our fish have AIDS''

-> In the morning I woke early and experienced that sinking sensation that overcomes you when you first open your eyes and realize that instead of a normal day ahead of you, with its scatterings of simple gratifications, you are going to have a day without even the tiniest of pleasures; you are going to drive across Ohio.

-> Look here. To the west of us lie ruins of a considerable settlement marked Cleve-land. I give you my advice as a salvager who has been in such places--keep away. Move to the south, around it.

-> Remember the time you lit your cigarette backwards? Smoked it right down. Said it reminded you of Cleveland.

->''"People of Cleveland, prepare to have your shit be thoroughly disrupted. You won’t be needing those flammable rivers or abandoned factories anymore, because the team has hired former baseball (yes, baseball) executive Paul DePodesta to help run things. And really, if you’re the Browns, why NOT hire this man? It’s not like football people have been much help. Hire a fucking Uber driver while you’re at it."''

->''"Hey [[UsefulNotes/AmericanFootball Browns]]. Mike Polk, season ticket holder. [[SarcasmMode Killer game in Houston today. Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community!]] You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert]]. Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption a team to be this consistently bad]] than it is for them to be accidentally occasionally good; the probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different ''sport'' than you are! And here's what you have to understand: we don't even expect you to be ''good'', we just want you to be ''watchable.'' Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? [[ButtMonkey We don't expect you to win the Super Bowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team!]] And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things]]; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.\\

->''"Under construction since 1868\\

It's so polluted that all our fish have AIDS"''

->''"Hey [[UsefulNotes/AmericanFootball Browns]]. Mike Polk, season ticket holder. [[SarcasmMode Killer game in Houston today. Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community!]] You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert]]. Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption a team to be this consistently bad]] than it is for them to be accidentally occasionally good; the probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different ''sport'' than you are! And here's what you have to understand- we don't even expect you to be ''good'', we just want you to be ''watchable.'' Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? [[ButtMonkey We don't expect you to win the Superbowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team!]] And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.\\

-->'''--[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRBDMMVctu8 Polk again]]'''

-->'''--[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRBDMMVctu8 Mike Polk]]'''

->''"Hey, [[UsefulNotes/AmericanFootball Browns]], Mike Polk, season ticket holder. [[SarcasmMode Killer game in Houston today. Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community!]] You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert]]. Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption a team to be this consistently bad]] than it is for them to be accidentally occasionally good; the probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different ''sport'' than you are! And here's what you have to understand- we don't even expect you to be ''good'', we just want you to be ''watchable.'' Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? [[ButtMonkey We don't expect you to win the Superbowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team!]] And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.\\

->''"Hey, [[UsefulNotes/AmericanFootball Browns]], Mike Polk, season ticket holder. [[SarcasmMode Killer game in Houston today. Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community!]] You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert. Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for a team to be this consistently bad than it is for them to be accidentally occasionally good; the probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different ''sport'' than you are! And here's what you have to understand- we don't even expect you to be ''good'', we just want you to be ''watchable.'' Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? [[ButtMonkey We don't expect you to win the Superbowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team!]] And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.\\
... YOU ARE A FACTORY OF SADNESS!!\\
I'll see you Sunday."''

->''"Hey, [[UsefulNotes/AmericanFootball Browns]], Mike Polk, season ticket holder. [[SarcasmMode Killer game in Houston today. Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community!]] You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert. Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for a team to be this consistently bad than it is for them to be accidentally occasionally good; the probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different ''sport'' than you are! And here's what you have to understand- we don't even expect you to be ''good'', we just want you to be ''watchable.'' Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? We don't expect you to win the Superbowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team! And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.\\

-->--'''Ian Hunter''' (''[[CoveredUp not]]'' Music/ThePresidentsOfTheUnitedStatesOfAmerica), [[TropeNamers Trope Namer]]

-->--'''Ian Hunter''' (''[[CoveredUp not]]'' Music/ThePresidentsOfTheUnitedStates), [[TropeNamers Trope Namer]]

-->-- '''Ian Hunter''' ([[CoveredUp not The Presidents of the United States]]),[[TropeNamers Trope Namer]]