Quotes / Bait-and-Switch

Skarr: You betrayed me?
Skarrbot: Affirmative.
Skarr: I am so... proud!

— Evil Con Carne

Barney: You sure you want to do this?
Robin: Yeah, I am. Let's just not tell anyone about this, okay?
Barney: Of course...So, should I just put it in?
Robin: Yeah, why not?
Barney: (cracks open video tape case)

— How I Met Your Mother, "Sandcastles in the Sand" They end up sleeping together that very night.

You know how some people have bowls of candy with a "take one" sign out for Halloween?

Well I fucked a dead moose.

— Reddit commentor

Chuck: The year is 1986, and Leonard Nimoy will be bringing a much known character, or rather, a reborn version of that character, back into the light in a popular science-fiction franchise while attempting to deal with his overweight and egotistical co-star.
Galvatron: I will rip open Ultra Magnus, and every other Autobot until the Matrix has been destroyed!
Chuck: But let's spend some time talking about Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home...

— SF Debris's review of the latter film

Ma: Look out to the horizon. Past the trees, over the grasslands. Everything the light touches belongs to someone else.
Timon: Funny, I thought you were going a whole different direction with this.

— The Lion King 1 ½

"Am I really gonna defile this grave for money? [Beat] 'Course I am! [starts digging]"

— Mr. Krabs, Spongebob Squarepants, "One Krab's Trash"

I remember when the Glom Coaster opened. I waited all morning, but I let a kid, Timmy Jenkins, go ahead of me. The track broke and he was stuck for hours, it was national news on every channel. And as I watched him tell his horrifying story on a dozen different talkshows, I thought... That should have been ME up there!

— Dewey Duck, DuckTales (2017), "They Put a Moonlander on the Earth!"

Patrick: Wait a minute...SPONGEBOB!!!
SpongeBob: Yeah?
[Beat]
Patrick: ...Make mine a chocolate!
SpongeBob: Got'cha covered.

— The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

"My name is Francesco Dellamorte. Weird name, isn't it? Francis Of Death. Saint Francis Of Death. I often thought of having it changed. André Dellamorte would be nicer, for example."

—Francesco Dellamorte, Cemetery Man

[during an anger management therapy session]

Jose Mourinho: [to Antonio Conte] You. Stand up. [Conte stands up] You never matched my achievements at Chelsea or Inter, you always buy old and useless players, your hair is not real, and don’t even get me started on match fixing. [Conte screams in anger and pulls his hair out]

Jurgen Klopp: Uh, is this an exercise?

Mourinho: No, but that is a very good idea.

— The Champions

Bertram: You wouldn't kill me, would you?

[Cut to Stewie and Christopher Moltisanti digging a hole in the park at night]

Stewie: Thanks for helping me dig this hole Mr. Moltisanti.

Christopher Moltisanti: Heeeeeeeey, no problem Stewie. This can be a pain in the ass when you have to do it yourself.

Stewie: Yeah, you're telling me. Alright, go ahead and drop it in.

[Moltisanti brings out a young pine tree and puts it in the hole]

Stewie: Oh boy, that's going to be beautiful when it reaches adulthood.

Moltisanti: Yeah. I love plants. So what happened with that kid you were telling me about?

Stewie: Oh he admitted defeat and ran off.

Moltisanti: What a mook.

— Family Guy

Police Radio: Attention, Pinata Island. Robbery in progress. I repeat, robbery in progress. That's because, at Crazy Larry's Toaster Warehouse, our toasters are SO cheap, the public is practically STEALING from us!

— Viva Piñata, "Good Clop, Bad Clop"

Adam: Home Alone 2 was good as well but has a very unfortunate cameo... Rob Schneider.

— DiamondBolt, "Watching Every Home Alone Sequel"

Applejack: "Ah'm a fillyfooler."

Apple Bloom: (after an awkward silence) "Disgustin'! Mah own sister!"

Applejack: "C'mon, big brother, ya gotta understand."

Big Macintosh: "Eenope."

Granny Smith: "Applejack Tangerine Apple. I can't believe mah ears. Bringin' such filth inta our home. Ah won't have it! Fillyfooler, I taught ya better than that! I won't have such talk under mah roof, dagnabit!"

Applejack: "Granny, please! Ah can't help how ah feel!"

Granny Smith: "The proper term's lesbian."

— An Apple Comes Out of the Cellar

Ryan 1: Hi there, hello. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Ryan 2: Hi. How... did I get here?

Ryan 1: Oh, you were walking down Main Street a couple minutes ago, right?

Ryan 2: Yeah.

Ryan 1: Then you took that left down Maple street...

Ryan 2: I remember.

Ryan 1: And then you got to King Street, and you were like, "Oh, should I jaywalk across this super busy street, or walk over to the crosswalk, you know, the designated spot for crossing streets?"

Ryan 2: Okay...

Ryan 1: And then, I think you can see where this is going, you got murdered.

— Ryan George video "Ghosts Are Bad At Revenge".

Lois: Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago. Did you get the beans?

Peter: Lois, I got something better. You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?

Lois: (gasp) Oh my god.

Peter: That's right, I bought a horse.

— Family Guy

Dick: If there is one man, just one man amongst you, who can say in all truthfulness that within the past week he has not committed adultery, then he may leave this church now and go, with my blessing. (Beat) Ah, we have at least one good man with us. Well done, Brother Bodkin.

Bodkin: Oh, it's not that, Rector. You just reminded me where I left my 'at last night.

— Carry On Dick

Patrick: [looking at a locked door] Hmm. Maybe there's something around here to help me break in.
[He sees a rock in a nearby potted plant.]
Patrick: I can throw this rock!
[He picks up the rock and finds a key hidden under it.]
Patrick: Even better, a key!
[Patrick throws the key through the door.]

— The Patrick Star Show, "Now Museum, Now You Don't"

Daxter: We... We are the best extermination crew in Haven city! Someone call about a bug infestation?
Erol: What? I haven't heard about any infestation. Who called you?
Daxter: Er, your boy! Ah.. you know... Captain... Xi.. Ximon... Ruper... tik... Jak... mos...
Erol: Nice try, that call didn't happen. Captain Rupertikjakmos is on leave this month, he couldn't have been the one.

— Daxter

Kristine: Hailey. Banks.
Hailey: Uh-oh...
Kristine: We've been looking for you. (pulls out a knife) After what you did to Lucy, you're gonna get... a caaaake!
(The other cheerleaders put a cake on the table which Kristine cuts with her knife.)
Hailey: (confused) But why would you bring me a cake?
Kristine: Well, you seemed supes bummed about Lucy.

— Hailey's On It!

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