"We have to do math? You did not tell me there would be math!"
— Mike
In ancient times, in a land far off
Full of goblins and mages and kobolds and kings
Valiant men tempted evil's wrath
For honour and riches and magical rings
Some found fortune, some found despair
But all found things they had not known were there
Now ages after, though their stories doth pale
Their deeds live on in our song of their tale...
But none of that shit matters
Cause it's really just pretending
And tonight, we all are gathered here
To witness these four men
Bring their dumb asses to a table
And talk smack to each other
And there's no mortal danger!
Tonight, four men
With some paper and some dice
Will sit around pretending
That they know how to fight
And move around some miniatures
And say some made-up words
While every move is second-guessed
By several thousand nerds
Casting magic missle in the darkness
These four me—en!
These four men
And their DM
Full-grown men
Four best friends
Omin Dran
And Binwin
Also Jim
And there's... Al
Acquisitions Inco--orpo--orate--e--e--d!
Full of goblins and mages and kobolds and kings
Valiant men tempted evil's wrath
For honour and riches and magical rings
Some found fortune, some found despair
But all found things they had not known were there
Now ages after, though their stories doth pale
Their deeds live on in our song of their tale...
But none of that shit matters
Cause it's really just pretending
And tonight, we all are gathered here
To witness these four men
Bring their dumb asses to a table
And talk smack to each other
And there's no mortal danger!
Tonight, four men
With some paper and some dice
Will sit around pretending
That they know how to fight
And move around some miniatures
And say some made-up words
While every move is second-guessed
By several thousand nerds
Casting magic missle in the darkness
These four me—en!
These four men
And their DM
Full-grown men
Four best friends
Omin Dran
And Binwin
Also Jim
And there's... Al
Acquisitions Inco--orpo--orate--e--e--d!
—The Minstrels introduce the second PAX game
"Dying changes a man, baby."
—Aeofel, season five
"I need you, Omin Dran, to fight and slay the Kaiju... or as we call it upstairs, The Tarrasque."
—Chris as Tymora at the climax of the 2013 PAX game.
"What are you doing at this table, man?!"
—Chris, upon Mike and Scott revealing that they've never heard of The Tarrasque at PAX 2013.
"It's time to rejoin the party as they venture forward. Deeply probing the savage, untamed cleft... of destiny"
—Introduction to "Arc of the Mad Mage"
Acquisition
Binwin
Makin' an incision with precision
Choice cuts such that quality abuts filet mignon
Axe-grip tight as a pinion
And for women
Dwarven stamina plus a low center of gravita' is a win-win
Jim from New Hamp
Gets them too damp
He ends friends
He turns pals into pyres with his unfriendly fire
Heater than a fever, hemmorrhagic
Hark, it's tragic
But that's what you're gettin' when he's spittin' that dark, dark magic
Viari
A player, like Atari
Shows that O-face, that Van Gogh face, like when a night gets starry
If that's your girl, I'm sorry
And if that's your man, well he don't give a damn, he came to party
Ominifus Dran
He of the limitless con
Ill syllabus, sicker than the liquor I'm on
I'm the ribald, fly skald, with a vanity plate that says "Try Bald"
I give foes a trip to the maul
I flatten 'em
I turn gold into platinum
I'm reverent as a Latin hymn
With holy fire I blacken 'em crisp
Nothin' left but a wisp and a thick grease
I give the slip to a lord of the crypt like "lich, please"
I could regale with the tale of another great mission
But it's late and we must vacate this Acquisition!
Binwin
Makin' an incision with precision
Choice cuts such that quality abuts filet mignon
Axe-grip tight as a pinion
And for women
Dwarven stamina plus a low center of gravita' is a win-win
Jim from New Hamp
Gets them too damp
He ends friends
He turns pals into pyres with his unfriendly fire
Heater than a fever, hemmorrhagic
Hark, it's tragic
But that's what you're gettin' when he's spittin' that dark, dark magic
Viari
A player, like Atari
Shows that O-face, that Van Gogh face, like when a night gets starry
If that's your girl, I'm sorry
And if that's your man, well he don't give a damn, he came to party
Ominifus Dran
He of the limitless con
Ill syllabus, sicker than the liquor I'm on
I'm the ribald, fly skald, with a vanity plate that says "Try Bald"
I give foes a trip to the maul
I flatten 'em
I turn gold into platinum
I'm reverent as a Latin hymn
With holy fire I blacken 'em crisp
Nothin' left but a wisp and a thick grease
I give the slip to a lord of the crypt like "lich, please"
I could regale with the tale of another great mission
But it's late and we must vacate this Acquisition!
—Jerry Holkins shows off his sick flow after the game at Pax East 2016
"He whispers something in your ear, as you collapse, he says: How does nineteen work for you?"
— Chris, dropping the single biggest Wham Line in the entire franchise during the finale of Acquisitions Incorporated: The Series
- The intro to the C-teamTime is the enemy
The past, it threatens the fastest weapon
You wouldn't make it past a second and that's the question
Play it brash and reckless
Or choose a cautious solution you thought was prudent
In any sepulcher pulchritude'll become the putrid
It's that wealth that I'm pursuing
No mountain too steep or dungeon too deep
To send expendable marks up to the top of the peak or beneath
They see you bleed and come like sharks to it
While I swim in that money bin like Carl Barks drew it
So send your natural parks druid
I'll send them home in a natural box with a closed top and most of the parts included
(Inhales)
Save your breath for a cleric confessor
Death is a lesson and life is a tenured professor
But if you're seeking my official advice
Sign on the dotted line, initial it twice
