Music / The Longest Johns

Left to right: JD, Andy, Dave and Robbie.

The Longest Johns are a British Folk Music group from Bristol, England, best known for their renditions of traditional sea shanties and work songs and their original music that emulates them. They first formed in 2012 and released their first EP in 2013, but they gained a lot more mainstream attention in 2021 when sea shanties became a popular trend on TikTok — their rendition of the New Zealand sea shanty "Wellerman" rocketed the group to mainstream success. Aside from their music, the group plays games on Twitch, and does full band streams where they perform songs.

Their current lineup consists of:

• Andy Yates
• Jonathan "J.D." Darley
• Robbie Satin

Former members are:

• Joshua Bowker, 2012-2016
• Anna Cornish, 2017-2019
• Dave Robinson, 2012-2023

Discography

Extended Plays (EPs)

• Bones in the Ocean (2013)
• Christmas at Sea (2013)
• Santiano (2021)
• Made of Ale Sessions (2022)
• C-Sides (2023)

Albums

• Written in Salt (2016)
• Between Wind and Water (2018)
• Cure What Ails Ya (2020)
• Land Shanties (2021)
• Commodore 1864 (2021)^note There was no new music on this album; instead, it had 8-bit renditions of their most popular songs
• Smoke & Oakum (2022)
• The Longest Pony (2023)^note A collaboration between The Longest Johns and El Pony Pisador.
• Voyage (2024)

Tropes present in The Longest Johns' music include:

• A Cappella: Their first two EPs and albums were entirely a cappella save for two songs, and their subsequent releases have continued to feature several a cappella songs each.
• Adaptational Location Change: Their cover of "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate" by The Arrogant Worms is retitled "The Last Bristolian Pirate", and transports the action from the Saskatchewan River in Canada to the River Severn in England.
• Added Alliterative Appeal: From "Moby Duck":
  Row-ho Row-ho and with any luck
  We'll win the day and do away the dreaded Moby Duck
  […]
  We shod our ship with weapons and prepared to go to war
  'Til the fetid feathered fearsome flying duck will breathe no more
• An Arm and a Leg: The crew hunting down the "Moby Duck" are heavily afflicted by this, to the point they seem to only have an average of one limb per person.
  There was bonnie brave Marie, who to her arms had waved goodbye
  And handsome Jack whose duck-attack left him without an eye
  The Darby twins with one leg each on deck were standing by
  Only a couple dozen limbs between a crew of twenty-five
• Audience Participation Song: When they perform "Hoist Up the Thing" live, the crowd is is instructed to respond to the line "Turn hard to port" by yelling, "That's not port!"
• Awful Wedded Life: In "The Captain's Daughter", the singer recounts that he'd rather face the lash than see his wife again.
  Though years ago I'm still reminded of those awful days
  My wife reminds me of the lash in oh so many ways
  But between the two of them I know which brings more pain
  I'd rather bring my back to bear than see my wife again!
• Berserk Button: The singer of "The Curse" is quite angered by the idea that someone listening might not believe his stories.
• Beware the Silly Ones: At first, the idea of a giant waterfowl like the titular "Moby Duck" serving as an antagonist sounds rather comical. Then the song goes into detail about the havoc it wreaks, and it quickly becomes clear why the sailors take Moby Duck as seriously as they would any other sea monster.
• The Blacksmith: "Hammer and the Anvil" is sung from the perspective of a blacksmith at work, complete with the sounds of a smithing hammer striking metal during the chorus.
• Buffy Speak: "Hoist up the Thing" features a completely unexperienced captain trying to command a crew to predictable results.
  Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
  What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
• The Cameo: Although Josh Bowker is no longer an active member of the group, he still makes occasional appearances in their videos — he appears as Scrooge in their "Scrooge" cover from The Muppet Christmas Carol, and as the lone audience member in "It's Hard to Be a Shantyman (On Christmas)."
• Car Song: Arguaby all the songs on "Land Shanties", but particularly "To the Ends of the Block":
  "Oh, yeee haaaara, I'm taking me carra,
  The pride of the fleet, and all she meets,
  The flagship Vitara!"
• Casual Danger Dialogue: The captain in "Nantucket" is a "droll kind of soul" who takes time during battle to poke fun at a sailor's aim.
  Our skipper is canny, a droll kind of soul,
  Heat of assault and he's still cracking jokes
  'Ah, Mr. Starbuck, your aim is quite rare!'
  'Well, I aims to sink her beyond disrepair!'
• Cover Version: Quite a few.
  • Notable ones include The Arrogant Worms' "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate" (as "The Last Bristolian Pirate, transporting the action from the Saskatchewan River to the River Severn in England) and Stan Rogers' "The Mary Ellen Carter." And of course, they perform and record a lot of traditional music as well.
  • For Christmas 2021, the gang decided to cover "Scrooge" from The Muppet Christmas Carol.
• Crowd Song: The Johns have led collaborative mass-choir covers of "Wellerman", "Leave Her Johnny", "The Workers Song", and "Here's a Health to the Company", each composed of hundreds of synced videos submitted by fans.
• Driving Song: Several on "Land Shanties", particularly "Ode to the Road":
  This is our ode to the road,
  Our song for the street
  A harmony-laden tribute of the pavement
  From all of these five seats
• Foul Waterfowl: The song "Moby Duck" is about a band of sailors who go to war against a giant monstrous duck. The duck tears apart the ship and maims the crew before finally being killed and barbecued by the sailors.
• Genre Shift: While not a dramatic departure from their usual work, many of the songs on Smoke and Oakum are strongly influenced by American folk and country music. This is perhaps best exemplified in their cover of "Hog-Eye Man", a more upbeat bluegrass version of the sea shanty "Lifeboat Man".
• Happily Married: The sailor in "Retirement Song" has left a fourteen-year career on the sea behind after finding a wife, "'cause this pretty little woman is all I need."
• Historical Biography Song: "John Paul Jones is a Pirate" recounts several major events in the life of 18th c. naval captain John Paul Jones, who was called a hero in the American Revolution, but by the British was often considered a pirate.
• Horrible History Metal: Well, not "metal," but "Fire and Flame" is about the Halifax Explosion, an industrial accident that levelled a city when a cargo ship collided with another that was hauling munitions.
• Improbable Aiming Skills: The titular captain in "Maggie's Ship."
  She'll shoot the wings right off a fly from 50 yards away!
• Job Song: A lot; whalers, merchant sailors, railroad workers ("On the Railroad"), miners ("Miner's Lifeguard"), and craftsmen ("Hammer and Anvil") all feature.
• Just Train Wrong: In "On the Railroad," for the train's trip to San Francisco, the "boss-man says that a mile a day's the pace." This would be agonizingly slow and in fact slower than walking — the Conestoga wagons used before the railroad traveled about 15 miles (22 km) a day. Trains of the time could reach 60 miles an hour or 90 km/h on straight, level track, and crossed the continental US (3000 miles or around 5000 km) in a matter of days. The lyrics appear to confuse the speed of train travel with the speed of actually building the railroad.
• Long John Shout-Out: The group's name is an obvious reference to the famous literary pirate Long John Silver. One might say they're the Longest John Shoutout!
• Murder Ballad: "Willie Taylor" tells the story of a woman whose love is Press-Ganged, so she disguises herself as a man to follow; however, when she finds him unfaithful, she kills him and instead gets command of a ship of her own.
• Ode to Intoxication: "Beer is Great" is an upbeat drinking song dedicated to, well, the joys of knocking back a good beer/ale.
• Pirate Song: "Last Bristolian Pirate", naturally.
• Pre-War Civilian Career: "Nantucket" features the narrator, an American sailor during The American Revolution, musing on his previous career as a whaler and comparing and contrasting it with his current military service.
• Situational Sexuality: The narrator of "Hoist up the Thing" notes that after weeks at sea, "even Dave seems a catch!"
• Survivor Guilt: "Bones in the Ocean" sings the tale of how a ship captain deals with the grief of being the only survivor of some incident that involved in the death of his men. He sails to their final resting place, but decides to live the rest of his life rather than immediately join them.
• A Taste of the Lash: "The Captain's Daughter" is about being tied to the mast and flogged for shirking duties. His "daughter" is actually a whip with a cutesy nickname.
• Tempting Fate: In the music video for "Drop of Nelson's Blood," the Johns sing that "a toastie on the grill wouldn't do us any harm" as they grill sandwiches. After a few repeats of the line, smoke starts to seep out of the grill and the fire alarm in the kitchen goes off.
• Train Song: "On the Railroad" talks about the construction of the Transcontinental Railroad in the form of a work song, and with each verse the song speeds up, mirroring the line in the chorus "Picking up coal and we're picking up speed".
• Truth in Television: "The Captain's Daughter" was historically a common nickname for the bosun's whip.
• "The Villain Sucks" Song: "John Paul Jones Is a Pirate" describes the title character as an honorless mercenary who fights for whoever pays him the most, with no sense of national loyalty or pride.
• Wooden Ships and Iron Men: A mainstay. They sing sea shanties, after all; many of them are about whalers or navy sailors in the Age of Sail.
• Working Class Anthem: "The Workers' Song".
  We're the first ones to starve, we're the first ones to die,
  We're the first ones in line for that pie in the sky
  And we're always the last when the cream is shared out
  For the worker is working when the fat cat's about!

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