It's playtime.
"This is Kindergarten Noir. Under the protection of the strongest crooks around... This is the world's safest kindergarten."
Kindergarten Noir is a Japanese kindergarten school that boasts to being the safest kindergarten in the world. Its clientele is some of the richest, most powerful people in the world and its student body is made up of the very young children of those people. As such, it's prime target for assassins all over the world who are charged with killing the toddlers there. Unfortunately, all those assassins underestimate the school; it's the safest kindergarten in the world because all of its teachers and caretakers are Boxed Crooks, former criminals and killers who were once the best in their business but caught and now (semi-) forced to take care of the kindergarteners to lighten their prison sentences.
Among these caretakers is a woman named Rita, just a young woman who one day hopes to meet the man of her dreams (and who meets her impossible standards). She's also a former legendary assassin known worldwide as the "Witch".
Kindergarten Wars (Youchien Wars) is a Romantic Comedy action manga created by You Chiba, and follows the misadventures of Kindergarten Noir's staff as they try to protect the children under their care from the world's deadliest killers, along with Rita's attempts to find a boyfriend that matches her ridiculous standards and the emergence of a tangled web of unrequited feelings between staff members. The manga began serialization online in Shonen Jump + in 2022.
Kindergarten Wars provides examples of:
- Accidental Kiss: Tripping on some bullets causes Rita to fall on Doug and accidentally have her First Kiss with him.
- All Love Is Unrequited: Luke actively tries to keep this going, given his love for complicated romance plots. Luke is therefore personally invested in Natsuki liking Hana who likes Doug who likes Rita who likes any hot guy she sees, while simultaneously seeming oblivious to the fact that he himself is the object of affection for Sylvia.
- Art Shift: In chapter 48, Luke goes on a very, very, very long monologue about Shoujo manga, and while he's talking it cuts to the cast of the manga in a school setting drawn in the style of a Shoujo series.
- Ascended Extra: Natsuki is initally introduced as a sympathetic Arc Villain in the same vein as Natasha, with his and Haruo's story seemingly concluding with their deaths at the hands of Leo... except it turns out that both of them survived. Harou gets put into a coma and is taken hostage by the Principal, forcing Natsuki to join the Kindergarten as its janitor, thus becoming a part of the main cast.
- Badass Driver: Sylvia, who used to be a smuggler, drives the school bus.
- Bait-and-Switch:
- By Chapter 2, the apparent formula for the series had already been set: an assassin comes after someone in the kindergarten, Rita intercepts him or confronts him, falls in love with him upon learning he's handsome, then kills him as soon as he reveals a deal-breaker habit. Chapter 4 subverts this by having Doug's kidnapper reveal himself to Rita... and he turns out to be a Gonk resulting in Rita immediately killing him without further interaction.
- Rita is eventually able to pull the formula on Luke. Instead of giving an answer that's not to her liking as expected, Luke actually gives an answer that makes Rita jump with joy. Too bad Luke already has a girlfriend (or at least one he hasn't gotten over).
- Bait-and-Switch Gunshot: Chapter 33 ends with Rita about to shoot at point blank range Natsuki and the sound of a gunshot. Chapter 34 reveals that Haruo managed to tackle Rita, making her miss her shot.
- Beta Couple: Running parallel to the Will They or Won't They? between Rita and Doug, a secondary pairing between Hana Bradley and Natsuki pops up once the latter joins the main cast.
- Brutal Honesty: The children don't really sugarcoat their thoughts on their teachers. When Doug tries to get a boy to eat his vegetables by claiming it'll help him grow up to be cool like Doug, the boy cries that Doug isn't cool at all, completely deflating the former swindler.
- Call-Back: In Chapter 36, Rita asks Doug questions she's already asked previous assassins throughout the series up to that point. He answers all favorably, much to her shock.
- Cerebus Rollercoaster: On one hand, Kindergarten Wars is an unapologetically silly comedy, featuring over-the-top gags and zany Love Dodecahedron shenanigans. It can also get shockingly depressing, repeatedly reminding the audience that the teachers are all fighting tooth-and-nail to escape from a life of crime that none of them ever wanted in the first place. Despite being a comedy manga, the story is entirely willing to invoke Anyone Can Die, even with members of the main cast. However, it never fully sticks with either tone, routinely switching back and forth between them, sometimes even in the same chapter.
- Cheerful Child: All of the kindergarteners seem blissfully unaware that they are in constant danger, and most of them generally have a big happy smile on their face, even when being shot at.
- Children Are Innocent: A big mission for the kindergarten's staff is to provide the children with a safe and happy environment, meaning that they do everything in their power to keep them ignorant of the danger that constantly plagues them and their school. It's also this innocence that allows the children to ignore the fact that their teachers are all former criminals (if they even know that at all) and treat them with unconditional adoration. For some of the teachers, this unconditional affection is what gives them a new sense of purpose after all the harm they'd wrought with their criminal pasts.
- Cop Hater: After learning Luke was a cop, both Hana and Doug immediatly say that they hate cops.
- Criminal Craves Legitimacy: A major theme in the series is that nearly every single assassin is trapped in a life of killing. Even those who try to quit being an assassin, such as those in the kindergarten, ironically need to continue killing in order to finally turn their lives around. After all, most people don't want to be killers.
- Deceased Parents Are the Best: Natsuki and Haruo’s parents were loving despite not having much money. Their dad was perfectly fine with Natsuki not taking over the familial goldfish shop and just wanted both brothers to be happy. Tragically, they were both killed during their side business as assassins when Natsuki and Haruo were still children, forcing Natsuki to take over the fishing shop and become an assassin.
- Decoy Protagonist: The first chapter follows an assassin named Spade as he's handed an assignment to assassinate a young boy at Kindergarten Noir. Genre Savvy readers will probably assume something along the lines of Spade being recruited into the kindergarten after his failure and he acquires a desire for redemption. He's killed in the middle of the chapter as the manga reveals Rita as the true protagonist.
- Disproportionate Retribution: Every single assassin that Rita becomes attracted to are brutally and abruptly killed as soon as they mention habits that Rita doesn't like. Spade in the first chapter was killed because he doesn't sit through the end credits of a movie. Rita herself mentions that she is aware this is hindering her chances of actually finding a boyfriend because it is necessary for her to see through their differences, but it does kneecap her major flaw in the job, which is falling for any handsome guy.
- Distant Reaction Shot: When Doug and Rita accidentally kiss, the shot pulls back out from Japan to outside the Solar System just to illustrate the magnitude of the teachers' shock.
- Early-Bird Cameo: Chapter 1 ends with a group shot of the colorful staff of Kindergarten Noir, before later chapters properly introduce them.
- Love at First Sight:
- Rita, in her desperation for a boyfriend, has a bad habit of immediately falling for any assassin that turns out to be a hot Pretty Boy. Thankfully, they always say something that convinces her they're not boyfriend material and get murdered immediately after.
- Sylvia admits that she fell in love with Luke once she saw how hot he is.
- Love Dodecahedron: Sylvia is in love with Luke, who Rita is attracted to, but Rita also might have feelings for Doug, who does have feelings for Rita, but Doug is also the target of Hana's crush. On the side, Lyla seems to have a Precocious Crush on Doug. And then Natsuki develops a crush on Hana.
- Moment Killer: Invoked. After Rita and Doug accidentally kiss, Luke shoots near them to ruin the mood and prevent Rita from realizing that Doug does genuinely love her. He claims that it is because they need to focus on their next job, but in reality he just doesn't want their relationship to progress too fast.
- Mood Whiplash:
- Right after grimly realizing that the New World Order is making their move to capture Lyla, the Principal then cheerfully announces that it's time for the staff to get ready for Parents' Day.
- A very notable one happens in Chapter 37. The chapter starts out comedic, with Luke thinking over the Love Dodecahedron between Rita, Doug, Hana, and Natsuki. After the teachers leave, Natuski and Haruo clean up their shop and decide to move out of Tokyo to begin their lives anew elsewhere... and then Haruo is shot by Leo.
- An extra chapter shows Dandelion Class work with Mack, a teacher who always is in a bear suit, with playing soccer with the kids. They see that Mack has a zipper and try to distract him so they can see what he looks like under the suit. After he coldly threatens to kill them if they go through with opening the zipper, the chapter ends with a "happy" ending gushing about how fun soccer is.
- Myth Arc: Chapter 5 introduces the idea that Kindergarten Noir isn't as simple as it looks, and that there might be more to having a kindergarten staffed with highly trained crooks than just protecting the kids of important people. It's later revealed that indeed the school was created initially to protect a mysterious little girl named Lyla. And sure enough, a shady organization known as the New World Order attempts an attack to capture her, and the assassins are shown to be the first truly tough enemies Kindergarten Noir has faced, especially when one of them turns out to be Leo, Rita's identical twin brother.
- Not Quite Dead: Natsuki and Haruo, two assassins who the teachers befriend, are shot and seemingly killed by Leo and Ashley as soon as they try to quit the industry. As it turns out, however, both of them survive due to the intervention of the Kindergarten's principal, who promptly takes Haruo hostage and coerces Haruo into becoming the Kindergarten's janitor.
- Oblivious to Love: Luke doesn't notice that Sylvia and Rita have the hots for him, Rita doesn't notice (for the most part) that Doug is in love with her, Doug doesn't seem to notice that Hana has a crush on him, and Hana isn't aware that Natsuki is also catching feelings for her.
- Painting the Medium:
- In chapter 31, Haruo goes on an extremely long rant about how great of a brother Natsuki is, with multiple entire pages being taken up by his ramblings while all the actual action goes on alongside it. For obvious reasons, the reader isn't actually intended to read his ramblings, with it instead emphasizing just how long and monotonous his rant is.
- A very similar situation as above occurs in chapter 48, with Luke going on a massive rant about Shoujo manga to one of the maid assassins, though in this case the art style actually shifts to that of a typical shoujo series, reflecting how the maid is actually taken in what he's saying.
- Professional Killer:
- Rita was once a legendary assassin known as "the Witch" that was raised to be the perfect killing machine.
- The Bradley family is an entire family of assassins. Hana is the youngest daughter and joined Kindergarten Noir after failing a job.
- Most of the antagonists are assassins hired to kill the children or the teachers of Kindergarten Noir.
- Sibling Team: The brothers Natsuki and Haruo work together, be it for running their fishing shop or for their side business as assassins.
- Tracking Chip: All the teachers have a GPS chip implemented in the back of their neck, preventing them from fleeing.
- Refuge in Audacity: Luke and Sylvia's strategy in attacking Leo is to keep him between them and open fire in each other's directions. As Leo internally points out, this runs the risk of friendly fire if they miss him, but then realize that the two are genuinely insane enough to take their chances and hope to hell that the other person is quick enough to know where the next shot might land.
- Rescue Romance: Doug falls for Rita when she rescues him from Spade's organization. Hana also falls for Doug when he saves her from falling container boxes. Natsuki falls in love with Hana after she saves him from a collapsing building and compliments him for taking care of his little brother.
- Rousseau Was Right: A recurring theme throughout the series is about how many assassins and crooks aren't inherently bad people, just people who have been Forced into Evil or brought up on really screwed up morals and ideals. They either regret their life choices or eventually get sick of the lifestyle, leading those who are conscripted into Kindergarten Noir to find new purpose in protecting children and generally improving themselves as people.
- Running Gag:
- Whenever the teachers in some way fail in their duties or were too reckless in their actions, the principal ties them up and hangs them upside down in her office.
- Played with in Chapter 47, in which the running gag of Rita killing people who fail to answer her questions correctly gets this time done between Luke and one of the Silver Sisters, Cathy. In this case, he asks her which kind of Shoujo manga she likes and attacks her when she turns out to like stories about infidelity, while she attacks him when he reveals his taste for sweets is disgusting.
- Those who don't know that they're feeling romantic attraction assume that they're catching a cold.
- Shipper on Deck: Luke really wants to prolong Doug and Rita's prospective love story just because he wants to watch a Shōjo romance unfold in front of him.
- Tempting Fate: Rita believes that she is getting better at not falling for assassins sent her way and that nothing can distract her anymore, up until she realizes the Villain of the Week is a full group of handsome men that compose a ninja team of various kinds that are her type. She gets distracted, but follows it up by dispatching of them as normal.
- Unkempt Beauty:
- The final nail in the coffin for Doug falling for Rita after she rescues him from a kidnapping was seeing her hair becoming undone from her usual ponytail.
- Rita herself got flustered when seeing Doug with wet bangs after he jumps into water.
- What Is This Feeling?:
- Hana is clearly new to feeling romantic attraction, since she asks Gordon for medical advice concerning the crush she has on Doug. Luke quickly swoops in to claim what she's feeling is a cold so he can watch the drama unfold later.
- Natasha eventually grew tired of killing, and began seeking out Rita so she could have an opponent that would reignite her love for murder. As she is soundly beaten by Rita however, she soon comes to realize that she had confused her feelings; she wasn't growing bored with killing, she was realizing that Being Evil Sucks and that she really wanted friends and love.
- Will They or Won't They?: Rita and Doug. This is also enforced In-Universe as Luke is amused by this and actually hinders the advancement of their relationship (like stopping Rita from realizing Doug may like her or Hana from realizing she likes Doug) for his own amusement.
- Worthy Opponent: Natasha sought out Rita because she saw her as a "toy that wouldn't break" after many years of being an Invincible Villain. Though in her final moments, she realizes that she had mistaken seeing a potential friend in Rita over their shared experiences for someone who will bring back her joy for killing.
- Would Hurt a Child: Almost all of the villains are people hired to assassinate or at least kidnap children.
- Wrong Assumption: Luke is well aware of Shōjo tropes and correctly assumes that a Love Triangle between Rita, Doug, and Hana is happening. What he's wrong about, though, is assuming that it's a case of two girls pining for the same guy and not a girl pining for a guy who's pining for another girl. His error doesn't bother him and only makes him more enthusiastic about the coming days when he realizes what's going on.
- You Are Better Than You Think You Are: It's shown that many of Kindergarten Noir's staff have major guilt and regrets over their criminal pasts, but the unconditional adoration their innocent students give them do more than enough to convince them that they all have a second chance at making up for all the pain and misery they had caused.
- You Have Failed Me: The Bradley family punishes failure with death. After failing a mission, Hana and Shaw have spent a year fleeing from their father's assassins.
