And to you, fair flower of the faculty, a thousand salaams!
— Walter Denton, "Wild Goose", Our Miss Brooks
Some people can't just say "hello" and leave it at that. These people are the ones who belong to this trope: They cannot give a simple greeting, salutation or announcement. Instead, protocol or cultural mores from their city, state, dimension, planet, or other point of origin, or even a self-imposed code of conduct, require a lengthy greeting far longer than local etiquette requires.
Variations include:
- A character has an extremely long formal name(s) with titles, and it is a terrible breach of protocol/etiquette to shorten or omit any.
- A character has a long string of greetings to deliver one right after the other.
- A character tries to deliver one single greeting, but is repeatedly interrupted or thwarted from doing it. But undaunted, they keep going until they succeed.
- A character must deliver individualized greetings to each member of a group.
The greeter may fall over exhausted after the greeting; or those they are greeting may do so.
May overlap with Try to Fit That on a Business Card or Large Ham Title. See also Long List, Secret Handshake, and Fictional Greetings and Farewells. In pre-modern or medieval fantasy settings this frequently overlaps with Verbal Business Card since the greeting may include useful information about the person's identity (rank in society, past accomplishments etc). If one specific person greets people or is greeted in this manner, see Character Catchphrase and Phrase Catcher respectively.
Being able to memorize (or even more impressively, extemporize) these kinds of greetings is the chief skill of a Hammy Herald.
Examples:
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Anime & Manga
- In Wicked City, the Taito Hotel's sole guest Giuseppe Mayart gets one of these and leaves the hotel manager still in his bow reciting his greeting speech until his friend Taki tells him the guy has gone upstairs.
Comic Books
- From The Sandman (1989) arc The Season of Mists:
Lucifer: Deliver your message, Cain.
Cain: Message. Yes. Right. Um. Ahem: "From the Lord of the Dreamworld, Prince of Stories, Monarch of the Sleeping Marches, His Darkness Dream of the Endless, to His Infernal Majesty, Lucifer, called Morningstar: Greetings. Our right trusty and well-beloved cousin—"
Lucifer: No. Not the message. Just the content.
Fan Works
- The Mountain and the Wolf has a (relatively) short one when Red Priests are sent to aid Westeros to fight against the Chaos gods. The problem is that the priest uses the full list of titles of his god and the high priest every single time he's mentioned.
"To Bran the Broken, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Six Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, the Three-Eyed Raven; from High Priest Benerro, Flame of Truth, Light of Wisdom, First Servant of the Lord of Light, Slave of R'hllor:"
"Greetings."
Films — Animation
- Cars 2 has Lightning McQueen and Mater give an extended handshake involving a lengthy rigamarole of differently-positioned tire bumps. Someone remarks that these "best friend shakes" get longer every year.
Films — Live-Action
- In the film version of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, by time the Entmoot finishes saying "good morning" to one another, night has fallen — which Merry lampshades. (The Ents aren't known for doing anything quickly.)
- The Truman Show had one Played for Laughs.
Truman: Good morning! And in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
Jokes
- Old joke:
Q: How do centipedes greet each other?
A: "I'd like to shake your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...." - An old skit formula from Antero Vipunen, is for two to don their Fu Manchu Mustaches and play out "a traditional Chinese good day's greeting", after an announcer has informed the audience of how very very polite Chinese people are, and how meeting an equally polite fellow Chinese can lead to prolonged... situations. The point is to go as long as possible, one-up each other at every turn with ever more flowery phrases, and bow constantly very deep. (The book is from the 1930s if not older.)
Alice: This one would like to greet your honorable self.
Bob: This humble sparrow lowers oneself in front of the sun-like blaze of your honorable glory.
Alice: This lowly earthworm is exalted by the most serendipitous blessing of happening at the sky-blue path of your honorable shoes.'
[and so on]''
Literature
- Wild Cards: The royal houses of the planet Takis have greetings along these lines. One recites another's name along with their birth order and family genealogy. To drop a name or mess up the order is a major insult. That's why the Americans dubbed the first Takisian they met "Dr. Tachyon".
- In the Earth's Children series formal introductions are done by providing a person's name and ties, to show their status. Ayla in particular has a very long list of ties since she's a Zelandoni, a Mamut, a Clan member, has the Cave Lion as her totem, and is friend to three horses and a wolf.
- Harry Potter doesn't have an official, formal title, but his fans in-universe have been known to greet him as such: The Boy Who Lived, and any combination of the nicknames/titles/monikers he's been given throughout the series.
- The Dresden Files: Certain of the Faerie have formal greeting protocols, and it is a grave insult to omit a step. The Rule of Three also applies in faerie conversation and, depending on whose domain you're in, it's also tacky to invoke it.
- October Daye: Faerie protocol has long and specific proclamations for specific events. Death, since it is so rare, has a really elaborate one — it is, however, considered acceptable to shorten it, because the Faerie really don't like having to discuss death. So while the long version is technically correct, it is not bad form to simply say that "[Someone] has stopped their dancing."
- Jane Yellowrock: Vampires getting together for formalities, weres getting together for formalities, and both getting together for formalities spend time citing their titles in detail.
- In Master of Formalities, it is good form for a Master of Formalities to recite a greeting similar to the one below at official functions down to something as mundane as a daily staff meeting.
"Know that two thousand, one hundred, and seventy-one conventional years have passed since the Terran Exodus. Today is the fifty-sixth day of the third month. We meet on the planet Apios, in the servants' hall of Palace Koa, the ancestral home of House Jakabitus and its matriarch, Lady Joanadie Jakabitus. I am Wollard, Master of Formalities for House Jakabitus, and I am currently delivering the daily meeting to the palace staff."
- King Matt The First has an Asian king who, whenever meeting another king, insists on his country's formal protocol for such cases; basically, half an hour of constant bowing. When meeting one king, it might work, but since the chapter in question involves a large conference, it becomes problematic.
- In Dreadnought!, when the lead character Piper meets the officers who will be her bunkmates, they're accompanied by the daughter of a Gorn ambassador, who introduces herself to Piper with the equivalent of a full-body patdown.
- Prince Caspian: Used by Peter when he sends a message to Miraz challenging him to single combat. Justified; up until now the Telmarines have largely viewed the rebellion as a rabble led by a child and he wants them to take it seriously (he also hopes to stall by spending the morning sending envoys back and forth, giving Aslan time to arrive).
"Peter, by the gift of Aslan, by election, by prescription, and by conquest, High King over all Kings in Narnia, Emperor of the Lone Islands and Lord of Cair Paravel, Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Lion, to Miraz, Son of Caspian the Eighth, sometime Lord Protector of Narnia and now styling himself King of Narnia, Greeting."
Live-Action TV
- Walter Denton on Our Miss Brooks likes to carry on. This exchange with Miss Brooks is in the episode "Wild Goose Chase":
Walter Denton: And to you, fair flower of the faculty, a thousand salaams!
Miss Brooks: Thank you, Walter Denton, and I've had my share, thanks. - Hank Kimball from Green Acres can't just say "Good morning." He ends up debating on whether it is a good morning and then goes off on a tangent, much to Oliver's annoyance.
- Game of Thrones: Daenerys has a long title that must be recited in formal introductions: Daenerys of House Targaryen, called Daenerys Stormborn, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons, the Unburnt, Queen of Mereen, Princess of Dragonstone, Silver Lady, Slayer of Lies, Daughter of Death, Bride of Fire, widow of Khal Drogo.
- infamously lampshaded in Season 6 by Ser Davos. After Missandei had finished reciting Daenerys' titles in full, Davos proceeded to introduce Jon Snow as follows: "This is Jon Snow, he's King in the North".
- The Kings of the Seven Kingdoms also have a long list of formal titles. During the War of the Five Kings, these titles get said a lot as Renly, Stannis and Joffrey all claim them.
- Star Trek: The Next Generation:
- Lwaxana Troi's full title. "Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed" is appropriate to recite in formal introductions, but Lwaxana milks it for all it's worth.
- Picard had to make contact with a new species for treaty negotiations. The alien species had an extremely long and complicated greeting that, if said incorrectly, could be taken as an insult and prompt an interstellar incident.
- Super Sentai roll calls. It's more for the whole team combined than for just one character, but those scenes can get pretty long especially in the crossovers and series where there are a lot of members for the team. Mahou Sentai Magiranger's roll call is particularly long.
- In the "Fire Ships" episode of Horatio Hornblower, the missive from the Spanish Duke of Belchite ordering the Indefatigable out of the Spanish port where they are anchored (owing to the Spaniards' abandonment of neutrality in favor of an alliance with Napoleon) begins with an long list of the duke's titles, which Hornblower reads aloud in full until Captain Pellew finally tells him to skip ahead. (The Captain's infuriated response results in a drolly deft Tactful Translation on Hornblower's part to the Spanish emissary.)
Podcasts
- In The Adventure Zone: Dust, Augustus Parsons always introduces himself this way.
Augustus: Hello, my name is Augustus Parsons. I am the spectral form the man who was once known as Augustus Parsons, of the Augustus Parsons Cashew Company. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Web Comics
- Flaky Pastry: Every member of the Elven royal family, from the king down to the minor nobles, has multiple titles, including Zintiel and her seven siblings.
Western Animation
- My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic: "Party of One": The episode opens with a montage of Pinkie Pie delivering the same singing telegram individually to Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy to invite them all to her party for Gummy's birthday. By the time she gets to the end of the song, she's a sweaty, breathless mess, and once she gets home she collapses, saying that next time she'll just hand out written invitations.
- Teen Titans: "For Real" opens with Control Freak growling, "GRRRRRReetings, Titans! It is your number one nemesis!" But since the Titans are out of town, they're not there. Control Freak pops all over the Tower, repeating the greeting, before finally saying it one last time, listlessly.
- In the Animaniacs Made-for-TV Movie Wakko's Wish, Wakko wishes upon a star and gets a visit from his non-gender specific wish fulfiller, played by "Pip" Pumphandle from the short "Chairman of the Bored", who never stops shaking his hand during the introduction. Wakko first lampshades it by asking not to waste his wish on ending the handshake, and then gets out of it by replacing his arm with a fake one that the wish fulfiller continues to shake.
- Ben 10: Omniverse: The ruler of the Incursian Empire and his daughter both have long, overly complimentary greetings that state their name, rank, place in the royal line, etc.
Real Life
- African tribes have extended ritual greetings which it is considered polite to recite in full, although it is not an insult to skip some of the greetings if the situation warrants it (such as a doctor greeting the relatives of an emergency patient). English translation of part of one such greeting:
Person 1: Good day.
Person 2: Good day.
Person 1: How did you sleep?
Person 2: And how did you sleep? [the tradition seems to be to ask but not answer this question]
Person 1: What do you eat?
Person 2: Only porridge. [traditionally made with millet flour]
Person 1: What news of your place?
Person 2: Only good. [African custom dictates that you first say all is well even if you're at the point of death] - Jerry Potts, a Metis guide and translator, was notorious for not liking to talk a lot. Once, after a Native Chief had spent several minutes greeting some White guests, he translated the speech as "He says he's damn happy you're here."
- Listing all the places one and one's correspondent was ruler or owner of seems to have been the standard for medieval greetings between heads of state, also allowing them to slip in insults, like using "styling himself king of France" to the English king during The Hundred Years War.
