Literature / Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff

An Affectionate Parody of The Bible by absurdist & humorist Christopher Moore.

As suggested by its title, the main character and Sympathetic P.O.V. is a fellow named "Levi bar Alphaeus who is called Biff." The reason he doesn't show up in the actual Bible is that he was kind of a jerk and the other apostles conspired to keep him out of it (or so he figures). In the modern day, Biff is resurrected by an angel to give his account of what it was like to have known Joshua bar Joseph since they were both six years old, and he stumbled upon him having his kid brother smash a lizard with a rock, sticking the dead lizard in his mouth, and taking it back out alive again.

Biff: I wanna do that.
Josh: Which part?

In between epistolary moments where he marvels about modern life, Biff pens his gospel, filling in a lot of the blanks of Jesus: The Early Years. According to Biff, the two of them went east so that Josh could learn, from The Three Wise Men, how to become the Messiah. Along the way, they absorbed many Buddhist, Taoist and Hindu attitudes which informed Joshua's later preaching. Biff looks out for his best friend, tempering Joshua's innocent stupidity with his own brand of ruthless, practical Magnificent Bastardry. The only thing that gets him off-balance is the presence of his childhood crush, Mary the Magdalene ("Maggie"), who is depicted as having a thing for Josh. And, because it's a humor novel, all sorts of silly things happen, be it the names of Balthazar's concubines, the explanation of how the martial art Judo came about, or the start of the Jewish tradition of having Chinese food on Joshua's birthday.

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This book contains examples of:

• Artistic License – History: Moore did some pretty serious research for the book, resulting in a fairly-accurate portrayal of life in Bible Times. Any deviations indulged in for the sake of Rule of Cool, Rule of Drama and Rule of Funny are meticulously documented in the Afterword.
• Attractive Bent-Gender: Biff has to disguise himself as a Hindu widower's daughter at one point. The widower hits on him.
• Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: According to Raziel, the angel Gabriel once decided to hang around on Earth for sixty years under the guise of Miles Davis.
• Bestiality Is Depraved: Bestiality being an "abomination" is a Running Gag in the book.
• Bible Times: Obviously as it’s about an unknown friend of Jesus (Joshua).
• Big Brother Instinct:
  • A big part of Biff's heart of gold is his constant and never wavering desire to protect Josh, not just follow him. The one time he leaves Josh, he's at a complete loss at what to do until he goes back. Even the monks noticed it.
    "If I was basking in the light of his holiness all of the time, how would I take care of him? Who would do all of his lying and cheating for him?"
  • Even to the 2nd Wise man, he shows his streak. When said wise man hits Josh with a stick (as part of a philosophical experiment), Biff catches it a second time and throws it out the window before threatening to kill the guy if he did it again.
• Bigfoot, Sasquatch, and Yeti: Biff and Joshua encounter a Yeti in The Shangri-La, who is the Last of His Kind.

• Brainless Beauty: Raziel is... dense. This leads Biff to theorize that Raziel might have been the Ur-Example Dumb Blonde.
• Book Ends: For Biff's Gospel narrative in a way. Josh refuses to tell Biff why he must meet Maggie instead before they leave to find the Wise Men. Near the end of the book, Josh lies to Biff on where he intends to go, which ultimately ends in Josh's death.
• Came Back Wrong: Lazarus, who has, err, somewhat fragmented in the meanwhile. (This is a Shout-Out to The Bible: Maggie protests that they should not open the tomb because Lazarus has been dead for four days and the stench will be dreadful.)
• Cannot Tell Fiction from Reality: Watching TV while Biff works on the story, Raziel becomes convinced that soap operas and Spider-Man are real. He refuses to believe it when Biff explains that they're just actors, like the Greeks had.
• Celibate Hero:
  • Josh is commanded by an angel (Raziel) not to "know women." What exactly does that mean? They mean to ask Raziel the next time he appears... but, as a Running Gag, they never get around to it.
  • Biff finds a loophole: he goes to know some women and then tells Josh about it.
• Chick Magnet: Josh. Biff had a pretty interesting way of utilizing this for apostle recruits, as he demonstrates with Matthew:
  Biff: Sad. You're probably heartbroken. That's sad. You see those women? There's women like that all the time around Joshua. And here's the best part, he's celibate. He doesn't want any of them. He's just interested in saving mankind and bringing the kingdom of God to earth - which we all are, of course. But the women, well, I think you can see...
• Cloud Cuckoo Lander:
  • Biff suggests that Joshua's mom (you know, the Virgin Mary) has a touch of this quality about her, which doesn't help the family much. (Of course, Biff finds it charming...)
  • Raziel.
    Biff: The angel confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man...
• Comic Sutra: In India, Joshua learns things like yoga from Melchior the Magus, while Biff learns a number of bizarre sexual positions from a local prostitute, such as "The Rhinoceros Balancing a Jelly Donut" and "Rampant Monkey Collecting Coconuts"... It's lampshaded in the afterword that alleged Kama Sutra positions are completely made up, but hey — there's still weirder stuff in the actual Kama Sutra.
• Continuity Nod:
  • Catch is the main villain in Christopher Moore's first book, Practical Demon Keeping, in which a man summons the demon and then can't figure out how to get rid of him. There's even a mention that the demon said he'd been to Earth before, but refused to say how he'd been banished.
  • Raziel is later an important character in The Stupidest Angel
• Covert Pervert: Matthew the tax collector can't help but stare at any woman who passes by. He's convinced to become an apostle when he realizes he can snag one of Josh's groupies.
• Crazy Homeless People: The apostle Bartholomew, or Bart to his friends. Later turns out to be less crazy than he appears; he's homeless by choice because he's trying to live by the example of the philosopher Diogenes.
• Deconstructor Fleet on The Bible (played more for laughs than anything else)
• Demonic Possession: Played straight first, then subverted when Maggie fakes this to make her horrible husband want to leave her.
• Dragon Lady: Biff claims that Joy, who uses dragons in her symbology after striking out on her own, is the Ur-Example.
• Dumb Blonde: Again, Raziel. Biff at one point says the angel is the reason humanity has "dumb blonde" jokes.
• Epigraph: Each chapter is headed by one.
• Excrement Statement:
  • At one point during her and Biff's battle with the demon Catch, Joy pisses on the monster's head, just to bait him.
  • As Maggie is faking demonic possession in order to get out of her marriage to Jakan, she takes the opportunity to urinate all over his stuff.
• Exotic Equipment: Hinted at: Raziel confirms that yes, some angels are male and some female, and yes, they have sex, but apparently the necessary parts have to be attached first...
  Raziel: I don't have it with me.
• Extreme Omnisexual: Sort of a running gag throughout the book. There were some perverted people back then...
• Foregone Conclusion: There is a whole religion based around Joshua's fate.
• First-Person Smartass: Biff, who invents the concept of sarcasm.
• Happily Ever After: Biff, after finding out that Maggie has also been resurrected to add her Gospel to canon.
• Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?: Yes, John, you have. No, John, you're not.
• It Will Never Catch On:
  • Joshua's opinion of this "sarcasm" thing Biff invented (at least at first, before Josh starts using it in ways Biff never intended, i.e., against him). Other noteworthy ones include matches and the concept of gravity.
  • Likewise, Biff's name for a big barrier used to keep some barbarians out: The Ostentatious and Unpleasant Wall Of China. Joshua suggests asking if they named it yet in case Biff wants to submit it.
• Heterosexual Life-Partners: Biff and Josh
• Hidden Depths: Biff, majorly. He formulates rough theories of biological evolution and gravity (both of which Joshua finds really implausible), but would much rather fool around with girls.
• Hurricane of Puns: A lot of them, but one stand-out is the Martial Pacifist example below.
• Jerkass Gods: While Josh is cool, his dad's reaction to his pleading for humanity is "Fuck 'em".
• Jesus: The Early Years:
  • The book is all about this. "Josh" travels to India, China, and The Middle East to visit The Three Wise Men, where they in turn teach Jesus one different facet of his later teachings. (In the afterword, Moore is specific in mentioning that Buddhism didn't reach China in the lifetime of Jesus. For him to study under a Buddha in Tibet would have been anachronistic.)
  • In the afterword, Moore mentions researching apocrypha dealing with Josh's/Jesus's/Yeshua's early life. Some stories even he had to pass on, such as child Jesus terrorizing and murdering children.
• Jesus Was Crazy: A corner case. Jesus isn't crazy (and in fact is portrayed as closer to Crazy Is Cool) but he's distracted enough by the whole Son of God thing that he comes off as a bit loopy.

• Jewish Smartass: Biff invents sarcasm. Joshua is initially skeptical towards this invention, at least at first, before he starts using it in unintended way, i.e. against Biff.
• Kung-Fu Jesus: Biff and Josh are taught kung fu during their travels, but Joshua refuses to learn the bits which involve weapons, and indeed any direct violence at all. Instead he pioneers a totally reactive martial art which would forever be known as "the way of the Jew," or "Jew do". In the afterword, Moore goes on to explain all the anachronisms involved with this sequence, and then explains that he chose to disregard them because of how awesome this trope is.
• The Legions of Hell:
  • Legion himselves show up, to be banished into some pigs and drowned... which causes some unpleasantness. Turns out Gentiles don't like it when you slaughter their livestock wholesale...
  • The demon Catch.
• Love Triangle: Biff ---> Maggie ---> Josh
• Must Have Caffeine: At the Antioch market Josh and Biff discovered a man selling some hot black drink, which later become their favorite when in the Balthasar's fortress.
  "He was hugging his coffee beans and mumbling to himself as he had for the whole trip. Praying, I presume."
• Name That Unfolds Like Lotus Blossom: seven of Balthasar's eight concubines:
  • Tiny Feet of the Divine Dance of Joyous Orgasm,
  • Beautiful Gate of Heavenly Moisture Number Six,
  • Temptress of the Golden Light of the Harvest Moon,
  • Delicate Personage of Two Fu Dogs Wrestling Under a Blanket,
  • Feminine Keeper of the Three Tunnels of Excessive Friendliness,
  • Silken Pillows of the Heavenly Softness of Clouds,
  • Pea Pods in Duck Sauce with Crispy Noodle
• Noodle Implements: This novel provides one of the page quotes.
• Odd Name Out: All of Balthasar's concubines have long and elaborate names, often regarding their occupation (for instance, "Tiny Feet of the Divine Dance of Joyous Orgasm," who for obvious reasons just goes by "Joy")... Except for the last one: "Sue (short for Susanna)". A subversion, too, since Joy, not Susannah, lives through the following disaster.
• Oh, and X Dies: When Biff finally gets the key to open the big scary door... he has an adorable exchange with one of Balthasar's concubines... and mentions that was the last time he ever saw her in one piece.
• Offstage Waiting Room: Most of the novel takes place during the "lost years" of Ieshua of Nazareth; his actual ministry only takes up the last third or quarter of the book.

• Peking Duck Christmas: Biff claims that they started this tradition - eating Chinese food on Josh's birthday.
• Ping Pong Naïveté: Biff goes back and forth from being dangerously streetwise to being a complete idiot.
• Pretty Boy: Raziel, the angel who resurrects Biff. Supposedly Even the Guys Want Him is a standard feature on angels.
• Reasonable Authority Figure: Gaius Justus Gallicus, a centurion captain in Nazareth. He bears no particular prejudice or hatred for Jews, just reminds them that in Roman colonies there are two rules: pay your taxes, and don't revolt.
• Refuge in Audacity: Basically the whole vibe of the novel, along with...
• Rule of Cool and Rule of Funny. The author even invokes it - history will just have to suffer a bit to answer the age-old question of "What if Jesus knew Kung Fu?"
• The Shangri-La: One of the three Wise Men lives here, complete with a Yeti, who is the Last of His Kind... which in itself is deconstructed when Josh, Friend to All Living Things that he is, befriends said yeti. Also subverted as the monastery is described as incredibly cold, and generally not a fun place to live.
• Shaming the Mob: "Let he who is without sin..." (Josh himself is played completely straight in this scene, and in fact in most of the book; it's Biff who provides most of the silliness... mostly. Josh gets some good ones in as well.)
• Shown Their Work: Moore's depiction of life in Palestine is reasonably historically accurate. He also includes an appendix in which he admits his deviations from known history on grounds of Rule of Drama and Rule of Funny.
• Stacy's Mom: Biff's crush on Josh's mom, Mary.
• Stupid Sexy Flanders:
  • Biff, tackling Raziel, shouting, "I have not been laid in two thousand years!!!"
  • There's also that time that Biff asked to see Raziel's, err, equipment...
• The Three Wise Men: Balthasar, Gaspar and Melchior. Joshua sets out to find them and learn what is to be the Messiah.
• Two Guys and a Girl: Joshua, Biff and Maggie play up some parts of this trope.
• Token Evil Teammate:
  • Biff is a downplayed version of this. He's not evil, but unlike Josh he's more than willing to lie, cheat, and even use deadly force when necessary. Biff summed it up himself when asked why such a jerkass follows the Messiah.
    "If I was basking in the light of his holiness all of the time, how would I take care of him? Who would do all of his lying and cheating for him?"
  • There's also the fact that Biff is the only "good" character to threaten to kill people. And after Josh is crucified he immediately tracks down Judas and LYNCHES HIM before committing suicide.
• Unstoppable Rage: Biff towards Judas. Followed immediately by a Despair Event Horizon.
• Values Dissonance: Invoked - Josh's "drive the demon Legion into the pigs and drown them" miracle doesn't go over so well when the onlookers are a) Gentiles and b) the owners of said pigs. As it was, Torches and Pitchforks were involved.
  Joshua: What? If they were Jews, it would have gone over great. I'm new at Gentiles.
• Vitriolic Best Buds: Josh and Biff are a mild case at best, but the shades of it get truly meaningful when the reader realizes that Biff is the only person Josh can be human with - the only one he will even lie to.
• Walk on Water:
  • Another good example of the "Affectionate Parody" nature of the story. Peter takes one step... and goes straight in. Josh teases him for being dumb as a rock, but also praises him for the strength of his faith, claiming, "On this rock..."
  • Also played with earlier in the book when Biff would ride on his elephant's head while it swam fully underwater. He claimed to be walking on water.
• You're Not My Father: Used by Josh against Joseph in an early scene, with Meaningful Echo in reverse later.

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