Emily H The Viking Princess
is a piece of web-original fiction by emilyh96. It's known for featuring many bad fanfiction tropes despite not being fanfiction – bad grammar and spelling, Mary Sue, bad sex – and historical inaccuracy. Egregious historical inaccuracy.
The story concerns Emily H, a timid Norsewoman whose father is away on a lengthy expedition. She falls in love with a man named Samson after he saves her from a boorish Viking at the tavern she works at. When Emily's father's ship returns on fire without her father on it, she and Samson become a Battle Couple, defeating a dragon and setting off on an adventure to find her missing father.
Compare Kelly The Roman Warrior
who are you to tell a caption what to do TROPER!
- Absurdly Sharp Blade: Samson's black sword is capable of cutting another sword.note
- Aerith and Bob: All anachronism and cultural inaccuracy aside, Emily, Samson, Samuel, Eric and Martha are normal and common Western names, Mancy and Garth a bit more uncommon but not unheard of, but Kalub is just weird. If this isn't bad enough, there's the octopus named Gollum.
- Alchemy Is Magic: Samuel and Eric practice a kind of "alchemy" that makes people walk around like zombies and teleports away a huge crowd.
- All of the Other Reindeer: Emily was bullied as a kid for having a flat chest.
Don't ask. - Anachronism Stew: What this story is most known for, and there's so damn much of it in this story that it might require its own page – the story is supposedly set during Viking times, but the narration establishes the time as "the 16 hundreads", the titular narrating character already knows what baseball is, people are named "Emily", "Samuel", "Samson" and "Martha", characters are said to have attended grade school, and there are even mentions of Gundams.
- Artistic License – History:
- In this fic's world, Vikings still exist in the 1600s and have names that are Hebrew or Roman in origin, the US Standard measurement unit of foot is used, and it's implied baseball, trucks and Gundams already exist in this fic's setting.
- Real-life Norse people frowned upon sexually assaulting their own women, so in an accurate Norse society, the "caption", Samson and Garth would not get away with their actions as easily as they do in the fic.
- Artistic License – Physics: Emily's armor is "pure silver but light as a feather". In reality, silver is a very soft metal, too soft to be used to make armor, and is not light.
- Battle Couple: Emily and Samson.
- Beauty Equals Goodness: The "viking pig boys" hitting on Emily and the island "demond" raping her are bad, but the good-looking Samson who declares she "belonges" to him in their first encounter and Garth who steals her and Samson's weapons, molests her in her sleep and sneaks onto her ship for no reason are good.
- Big Damn Heroes: At the beginning Samson steps in to stop a Viking from molesting Emily, which sparks her attraction to him. Later on the island, he saves her again from "demonds" raping her. Afterwards, Gollum the octopus appears at Emily and Samson's call to fight the "demonds" so the party can escape safely to their ship.
- Black Swords Are Better: Samson has a "long slender dark as night blade", which is the only weapon recurringly used in the fic.
- Bully Hunter: Emily's father once saved her from a bully before he went missing.
- Cherry Blossoms: Or rather "charry blossems" planted in Emily's village, blooming in time for the "spring festivel".
- Chivalrous Pervert: Garth, but he comes off as less sympathetic than most examples; he molests Emily when she's asleep, but the story informs he's a "good sole" and near the end nearly becomes another Love Interest for her.
- Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: The story goes through all that trouble introducing Garth into the main ensemble and seemingly builds him up into a Romantic False Lead for Emily only to forget about him once she marries Samson.
- Clarke's Third Law: Clearly, ethnobotany is indistinguishable from magic in this universe.
- Culture Chop Suey: Despite being supposedly set in ancient Scandinavia, the culture shown is… not very Scandinavia-like. To give you an idea of how bad it is, only two characters (Garth and Eric) have names of Old Norse origin, and the setting is a mishmash of generic medieval fantasy, maybe traces of ancient Scandinavia, and even Japanese culture thrown in.
- Dead Fic: The story ends just as new villains Samuel and Eric start putting their evil schemes into motion and has never been updated since 2012.
- Don't Like? Don't Read!: The author's notes tend to do this."this is the first story im putting up so only good revues, if you dont like it then just dont read it""hope you like it so far and if you dont you can just go 2 hell.""Really hope you guys like it, if you didnt you dont have to be a dick and poste mean things about it or me, i worked really damn hard on it!"
- Dude Magnet: Emily supposedly attracts lots of men before she meets Samson.
- Eye Colour Change: Emily and Samson's eyes change into heterochromatic pupils of impressive shades as they get filled with powers before the battle with the "king black dragon".
- Gratuitous Rape: While searching for her father on the treasure island, Emily randomly gets raped by a "demond". This scene seems to serve no purpose other than to have Samson rescue her and doesn't have any impact on her or the story.
- Happily Married: Samson and Emily eventually.
- Hunk: Garth, in contrast to Samson.
- Iaijutsu Practitioner: Samson, apparently."the boy leaped in a upward twisting motion over the captions huge body and while in mid air drew a long slender dark as night blade and with one flick halfed the captions sword, with a flawless landing had already sheitht his blade"
- The Immodest Orgasm: Emily cries so loudly her voice "would carry out over the water for miles and eco back" while spending nights with Samson aboard their ship. Apparently the ship doesn't have a crew, or they just pretend not to hear anything.
- The Immune: Emily and Samson are immune to "alchemy". Perhaps this is "ethnobotany"'s doing?
- Impossibly Delicious Food: After the treasure island adventure, Garth and Emily prepare "a feast good enough for the goddamn gods".
- Large and in Charge: The filthy Viking attempting to molest Emily at the beginning is a "caption" who, going off the description that Samson isn't even half his size, MORE THAN 12 FT TALL.
- Making Love in All the Wrong Places: At one point, Samson and Emily have levitating sex in public.
- Malaproper: Emily's mysterious supernatural power is called "Ethnobotany". What it's supposed to be called is anyone's guess.
- Missing Mom: Emily's mother died in a "rade" when she was a "babby", leaving her with her constantly absent father as her only family.
- One-Letter Name: Emily's last name is apparently just "H".
- Our Demons Are Different: The "domonds" (consistently mispelled as such, sometimes with variants like "demonds"), an Always Chaotic Evil race that offer canon fodder for the "heroes".
- Petite Pride: Emily is a B-cup and confident about it despite being bullied for it as a kid (never mind why a kid would be made fun of over breast size).
- Pretty Boy: Samson is noted for being skinny and pale in a town full of men built like trucks.
- Romantic False Lead: Garth the Thief seems to be built up as a potential romantic rival to Samson, what with how he's described as sexy from Emily's viewpoint, but since he's never mentioned again after Emily and Samson marry and the story is dead, this goes nowhere.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: Words are not spelled correctly very often in this story. "Captain" is notoriously always spelled "caption".
- Scary Teeth: Garth is described as having sharp teeth.
- Self-Insert: Possibly Emily; the author's handle is "emilyh96".
- Sex God: Every sexual encounter between Emily and Samson is described as unbelievably enjoyable, including Their First Time.
- Soundtrack Dissonance: Manages to achieve this in literature – the story is hosted as blog entries on LiveJournal, and the music listed in the "listens" section before the first half is the Death Note soundtrack.
- Statuesque Stunner: Zigzagged; Samson is 6ft tall, which is tall by modern day and ancient Scandinavian standards, but according to Emily all men in her village are "suuuper" tall, and the "caption" Samson duels is more than twice as tall as him, which makes Samson the more attractive one.
- Stay in the Kitchen: After Emily and co.'s first meal after they return from their adventure, she cleans up alone while the three men sit outside smoking pipes, none thinking of helping her.
- Troll Fic: As is always in So Bad, It's Good web fiction land, you cannot be sure.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: The fic many times introduces characters that should be fleshed out only to quickly forget about them.
- Where is and what happened to Mancy after her debut?
- What about Kalub, the boy Emily looks after who informs her of her father's burning ship?
- What happened to Gollum after the demonds have been defeated and the treasure island has been sunken?
- Garth also mysteriously never shows up or gets mentioned again after Emily and Samson marry.
- When You Coming Home, Dad?: Emily's father is often absent, and he's been missing for at least 6 months when the story begins.
- Xenafication: Normally a female character losing damsel status to kick ass is tried-and-true Character Development if executed well, but in Emily's case she just immediately snaps from a weepy timid girl needing to be saved from bullies and molesters into a fire-spitting uber-warrior with magical powers right before the "king black dragon" battle without gradual build-up and any reason for such a drastic change.
