- On the subject of prisons, I will make them be high up in the sky in some variation of a flying fortress. And do my best to have none of the heroes, or any other enemies I'll have, notice this fact (maybe even using illusion spells if it keeps up the illusion of a ground-based prison). If only to see them try to dig their way out and promptly go into a +1000 foot drop and laugh in amusement.
- On the subject of gardening, I shall set up various buildings to mimic the climates of areas that are different from mine, so that I can grow fruits and vegetables that require either cooler, or warmer, or wetter, or dryer, regions than the area I rule, as maybe I want to be able to have oranges and spinach nearby. At least, this is what my enemies will believe the main purpose of these buildings are for, and while they will be used for this, I shall use them to get my forces ready for the climates of the areas I plan to attack - won't those Russians be surprised when my forces are prepared for their extremely cold winters, and those oil-rich countries in the Middle East will find me knocking on their doors, and I'll march through the swamps of Florida to take over Disney World!
- Speaking of prisons, if space forces me to stick a pair of lovers in the same cell, the guard is not to personally look in the cell if he hears the sound of the lovers making out. Instead, he is to use a mirror to check to make sure that the pair are not setting up a trap, or some such thing. Alternatively, security cameras can be used to check on the occupants. The last thing I want is for my guards to be called Peeping Toms. The worst thing is for them to get stabbed in the eye, and potentially killed, by someone setting up a trap.
- If I invade an enemy's land, and I order my men to not harm villages/towns/cities that are filled with non-combatants, I expect it to be obeyed. I do not employ idiots after all, and I'll see to it that those who disobey are suitably punished. After all, how am I supposed to get tribute from my new subjects if they are dead, or wish me dead? Also, attacking non-combatants is a sure-fire way for all of my enemies, even those who hate each other, to come together and destroy me.
- If I am the leader of a group of killers and bandits in the Apocalypse, and I encounter a village of farmers, I shall not attack them. History and Fiction have plenty of graveyards filled with those who attacked peaceful farmers. Even if they do not kill me directly, they just might weaken me enough for someone else to do the job, or it might inspire someone to come after me for revenge.
- If the group of killers and bandits I am the leader of contains five people, including myself, I shall give my men certain instructions, and see about integrating them into the village of farmers, although to allay suspicion, I might have them admit to having done the things that were necessary to survive, such as killing those who tried to kill us, robbing the dead, and other such things, we just won't say we did it for fun. I shall see that I'm one of the Village Leader's advisers, place my men in key places, or at least key locations, such as a lookout, training the farmers to defend themselves, place one in a location near the armory/food storage. Then, when some idiot tries to attack, and the villagers fight back, I shall see to it that the village leader ends up dead, one way or another, use it as motivation to kill the enemy, and hopefully I'll be picked as the new leader.
- If the typical punishment for murder is to freeze me for thirty years, I shall not frame my foe for a similar crime as mine. After all, if in thirty years, I'm still physically thirty, and he's sixty, I might have the edge in getting my revenge, as he'd be going downhill physically while I'm still in my prime. Hopefully the future doesn't give him things that make him a Super-powered long-living badass grandfather.
- If I am the leader of a "Peaceful Utopia, save for that small band of scraps that live in the sewers who are disruptive but do no real harm", if I thaw out a criminal who has been enhanced, yet programmed to not kill me, if said thawed minion claims that he needs help in taking down his target, but doesn't want the help enhanced, I shall program the other minions to not be capable of killing me either, just in case my head minion decides to tell one of them to kill me.
- If I am the thawed minion who has been programmed to not cause the death of the above asshole who has taken away the right to be an asshole, I shall arrange for an accident to occur to him, such as accidentally shoving him off the edge of some stairs, so that he breaks his neck. Also, you'd be surprised at what you can live through.
- If I am unable to bury those infernal would-be assassins in my garden, or if their bodies prove to stink too much to disguise it with the scent of flowers, I'll bury them under the compost pile, which will be made up of manure, rotting food, and other such foul-smelling things, which will turn into that nice earthy-scented stuff that I can use around my plants, providing me with wonderful fruits and vegetables, and my beloved will be happy that her roses and other flowers always win those blue ribbons at the garden shows.
- If I end up in The Walking Dead universe, I will not mess with Rick Grimes, and I certainly will not attempt to harm his son. One-handed or not, he'll tear out my throat, gut me like a fish, break my leg, run me over with a car and, if I'm lucky, he'll kill me. If I'm unlucky, he'll leave me for the Walkers.
- If my ancestor, who was a murderous outlaw, got the property that is the basis for my family's Corrupt Corporate Empire, by killing his partner, if an old man comes to me claiming to have proof that he's descended of the murdered partner, and thus the rightful heir to the property, along with his granddaughter, whom he wishes to send to a high-end collage, I shall have the claim investigated, and if found to be true, I shall give the old man enough money to have a place at a fancy retirement home, enough money to send the granddaughter to a collage of her choosing, and give them a nice share of the business. While it might be tempting to have them killed and not give anything away, those pesky investigators would find me out anyways, and I'd lose all of my money, instead of just some. Besides, it would look good for the Press - "Descendant of Outlaw gives back to Descendants of Victims". Also, locate ancestor's other victims' descendants, and give them some money as well. All of that money that I give away adds up to a nice tax write-off.
- If I'm forced to recruit prisoners to be part of my military, I will avoid Arsonists, Murderers, Rapists and Lawyers, as they are too unpredictable to be reliable in any case, and have a tendency not to obey orders. If that's all I have, I'll just put them in front of my Armed Troops, and send them towards the enemy, where they will act as bullet shields for my more reliable forces, and they will not have any weapons given to them, for it would be foolish to arm them in the first place, and they can steal their own from the enemy. As for the others, once they have proven to not to be dangerous to my more reliable troops, I'll still put them in dangerous places with dangerous jobs, like clearing those fields strewn with landmines. That being said, I will not force P.O.W.s to serve me, as they'd probably sneak back to their forces the first chance they got, or send them intelligence, or something that wouldn't be good for me.
- If I end up in that Old West town called North Fork, I shall not cause trouble in the General Store, nor will I cause trouble with that aging Marshal, nor will I mess with a certain Sodbuster's son. With over a hundred notches on his customized Winchester, there's a reason Lucas McCain is called The Rifleman.
- Related to The Walking Dead and The Rifleman examples above, if my main enemy has a child, or is taking care of a child, I shall personally see to it that no harm comes to that child. After all, twenty of my minions can easily beat the crap out of the Hero, while the other thirty take their turns, while I keep an eye on the child. But, the moment that one of my more foolish minions decides to even look at that child in a funny way, that's always about the time that the Hero finds himself filled with the strength of a hundred men, and easily defeats all of my minions, tears me a new behind, and then takes the kid fishing, or something.
- If my enemy is as strong as a hundred regular men, I shall simply bring a hundred and one men, and see to it that each of them are as strong as a hundred and ten regular men! I shall also see to it that I'm twice as strong as all of my men put together, so that they didn't get any funny ideas.
- If I'm forced to issue face-concealing helmets to my forces, guards that are sent to investigate breaches of security and thus encounter a lone guard, or a lone survivor, or even stragglers, the investigators are to order the lone guard to take their helmet off, if it is safe to do so. This will confirm their identity, if nothing else.
- If face-concealing helmets are issued, and it is not safe for those lone guards to take their helmets off, investigators are to place them in a special set of restraints, after which, the guard in question is to say the password, "Your shoes are untied." This, along with bio-metric sensors that can confirm the guard's identity, will prove if the guard is one of mine, who would automatically be released, or an impostor, who will then be injected with a sedative for future questioning.
- If an Evil Entity, who plans to destroy the world, and could easily defeat me, is currently engaging the Hero, and has them on the ropes, I shall call up all of my fellow villains, as well as all of those who have been inspired by the Hero, explain the situation, and tell them it would be in their best interests to cooperate for once, in order to save the planet, for it is difficult to rule a ruined planet. Also, we can kill each other later.
- I shall see to it that my minions, while looking for deserters, are instructed to attack only if it's necessary, and they are lead by someone with competent diplomacy skills, just in case they meet up with members of another group. After all, the last thing I want them to do is to make an enemy out of the wrong people, whom those deserters might decide would make good instant allies. The best thing would be to make those strangers our own allies. The second best thing would be to not be enemies with them.
- If I am to be defeated, and am about to be defeated, I shall order my forces to cooperate with the victors, and to not become bandits or those guys who keep fighting after the war is over. That's because that would tear the Empire, which I worked so hard to build, apart, and that would be even worse than defeat. After all, if the victors prove to be worse at ruling than me, there would already be those ready to Restore the Empire, and lead a movement to toss those fools out, and, if possible, restore me, or another handpicked successor, to the throne.
- Much like the prophecy regarding my death at the hand of my offspring, if I hear of a prophecy regarding my death at the hands of a member of some other tribe, or alien race, and the prophet has proven reliable in the past, I shall seek out this tribe or alien race, and make them my allies. Then, I shall seek out the family of my future killer, and adopt them into my family. Then, once I locate my future killer, or they are born, I shall declare them to be my heir. After that, I shall be like an uncle or a grandfather to them, showering them with gifts, listening to them when they need advice, and when the day comes that they do kill me, it would be an accident, but hopefully, things will be set up for them to take my place.
- I will make sure that all my traps, my guards' weapons and my own weapons are extremely Boring, but Practical. There is no point in creating elaborate traps, when a good old-fashioned spike-pit works just fine.
- I will conduct monthly Employee Satisfaction Surveys, to ensure that my employees are happy with their job. If they aren't happy, they will be reassigned to other positions, if such a reassignment would increase their level of satisfaction. Happy employees are less likely to betray you, and besides, it's stupid to just kill employees because they don't like a given job.
- If I am a criminal leader whose gang is set in a location that has aliens, monsters, mutants, various fairy tale creatures, and all of those other sorts of things, to say nothing about the supernatural, if the group I'm the leader of enters a bar, tavern, restaurant, or another type of eating establishment, only to find out that it is the local law enforcement officers' favorite place to dine, I shall see to it that my men don't try anything funny, and that we just order our meal to go. Cops and guards of all sorts take their eating and drinking very seriously.
- Related to the above eating establishments, if set in a world filled with adventure, and aliens, and monsters, and all else, if my gang has to take a hostage in the law enforcement officers' favorite eating establishment, and my men take a young woman hostage, but the lawmen sit back down, resume drinking and eating, and only say "Don't hurt them too much", I shall safely assume that the woman is more than capable of wiping the floor of me and my men, and that she might be highly trained, have special powers, and might not even be entirely human. I shall order my men to let her go, escort her back to her table, pay for her meal, and apologize for any inconvenience, and then take the big scary-looking guy hostage. Granted, we might still get our asses kicked, but at the very least, no one will say that me and my men were beat by a girl.
- I shall see to it that food is available to everyone, even for the poor who don't have any money. This will be some sort of meat, vegetable, fruit, bread, dairy, and even a dessert, and will be available for for breakfast, lunch, dinner/supper, and even just before bedtime. People who have plenty of food are less likely to complain about things like taxes, and are less likely to rebel against my rule. Also, the Heroes can't say that the masses are starving, when all of them are well-fed. The meals will be healthy and tasty, although those with money can chose more exotic foods. That being said, every child shall get their favorite food on their birthday, or nameday, or whatever day they celebrate as their special day. They'll love me for it.
- I will never carry out any plan that might provoke a rebellion in the future, unless the rebellion can be stopped preemptively.
- Should the Hero make it past all the traps and guards, I will inquire about his motivation for entering my fortress. In the event that he isn't driven by a desire for revenge, I will offer him a position as my new Security Advisor, since he must have found some kind of hole in the security.
- The Main Control Room, Throne Room and Ancient Artifact Storage will all be completely inconspicuous rooms, so as to not draw unwanted attention from the Hero. In fact, my Throne Room will be a randomly chosen quarter, and the Main Control Room will be a randomly assigned living room. These will change every morning to make it harder for the Hero to find it.
- Whenever I hold a staff meeting, the head of every division will send a proxy in his place, as will I, while the leaders and myself are in separate isolated and well-protected, yet not suspicious-looking, buildings, monitoring the meeting remotely. This way, even if the Hero storms into the fortress and survives all the traps during a meeting, he won't find anyone actually important to the organization.
- If forced to use those stupid face-concealing helmets, in the event of an infiltration by the enemy, if the squad sent to investigate locates the guards at the location, the investigators are to shout "Your momma is ugly!" to which the rightful guards are to respond, "Well, your father always had the lights off when they did it!" This is to signal that all is well within the ranks.
- If a squad of guards greets a squad sent to investigate a disturbance with the phrase "All Hail the Emperor!" (or whatever I chose to call myself) it means one of three things - those guys are impostors, or the enemy has infiltrated their group, or the enemy is right around the corner, hiding.
- I shall never take that harmless-looking person hostage. It never ends well. They tend to be highly trained, have powers, and may not be as harmless as they appear.
- I shall never bully a dragon, nor will I ever mug a monster. Those things never end well. Also, the last guy that bullied a dragon was burned to ashes, and that fella that mugged the monster had his bones used as toothpicks.
- If I decide to make magically, or scientifically, enhanced plants, like those Venus Man-Trap plants I hear so much about, I shall keep them away from my regular garden. I don't want my Man-Traps to cross-pollinate with my wife's prized roses, again. Of course, said crosses were kind of cute, and have proven effective at keeping down the number of would-be assassins that try to climb up the thorny vines, only to find that the flowers are full of teeth, and they are just beautiful. Any future cross-breeding will be conducted at a fair distance away from my regular crops.
- No matter how much I wish it, I can't live for forever, so I shall have things set up, for my eventual death, no matter the reason.
- I shall see about grooming a successor to take my place. That being said, I shall see to it that he is given competent advisers, to assist him in the case he isn't quite ready for the job.
- I shall see to it that my successor's advisers are loyal to him, but they have Standing Orders from me to disagree with him if my successor plans to do something that would destroy all that I had built. If need be, they can, under My Orders, legally overthrow him, and insert a more competent ruler.
- My soldiers will be loyal to my Successor, and are under orders to kill disloyal advisers that plan to seize the empire for themselves, unless the advisers show clear proof that my successor will ruin the empire.
- If my Successor is going to cause the destruction of my empire, and the Advisers are more loyal to him, than to me, my Soldiers, from the highest ranking general, on down to the newest recruit, have Standing Orders to desert on mass, and join the Rebellion, and they are to declare the leader of the rebellion to be my rightful Successor, providing that they themselves have proven to be a competent leader in all regards.
- I will not take up smoking nor encourage my Legions of Terror to smoke. Too much could go wrong.
- I shall personally set up a Resistance Movement against my rule. That being said, they shall not actually try to overthrow me, and shall instead find reasons as to why people would want to overthrow me. In this manner, I shall be able to change certain policies that would cause a massive rebellion, and mitigate the worst of the effects. For instance, if the reason folks would want to overthrow me is because I demand way too much tribute from them, I can lower the amount of tribute folks need to give me, which will make them less likely to revolt against me.
- Said Resistance Movement shall be lead by my most competent officers, specifically ones who are not in the Public Eye. They shall only act against my rule in the event that my Successor proves to be too destructive for the Empire.
- Soldiers who follow my Standing Order to desert in the event that my Successor proves to be too destructive are to join the Resistance, or, if need be, form their own. Those who join a Foreign Power shall be considered traitors.
- I shall see to it that my advisers include at least one Token Good Teammate. Their job is to tell me why it would be a bad idea to do something evil. If it is a moral reason, I'll ignore him. If there is a practical reason, I'll listen to him. For instance, if I plan to destroy a village, and he tells me that people would die, I'll ignore it, but if he tells me that the place grows a special flower that can cure the sickness that has been affecting my troops, I'll take it over instead. If he tells me that the village is friends with a being that destroys those who try to conquer the place, I shall seek out a trade agreement with the village, and a non-aggression pact with the village's protector.
- I will remind my legion of doom that land mines, rocket launchers, tanks, jet fighters, gas bombs and helicopters exist. Seriously though, what is the point of making these things if no one is going to use them?
- Fragile Speedsters will be equipped with smoke booms and knives, Glass Cannons will be equipped with long range weapons, the Mighty Glacier will have a minigun, and Lightning Bruisers will among my elite hunters.
- I should start investing in better armor as well as a mobile command centre.
- My troops will be trained not to flee if a commander or one of my elite tropes dies as the hero will likely be weak after the battle. However, if the situation is too dire, they will retreat.
- If my troops see a coin or stone tossed in their direction, moving bushes or cardboard boxes, moving shadows or someone turning quickly around the corner, they will sound the alarm.
- The same applies for bumps in the night, unknown voices arguing, weird whispers in dark areas and muffled gagging.
- If I have the budget, I will invest in night vision goggles/helmets. If I live in the medieval ages, I will teach my troops night vision spells or enemy detect spells.
- If I get reports of a group of adventurers or heroes tearing through my troops through sheer dumb luck or stupid (in some cases smart) tactics, they should prepare for drone or air strikes. In the medieval ages, it will be a good ole fireball.
- Troops who show extreme skill in certain areas, such as marksmanship or swordsmanship will receive advanced training and become combat specialists.
- I will build my safe house in Hawaii or other exotic locations. I will also have a special safe house in Antarctica if thing go to hell.
- If it’s even possible, I will make sure that my army has no such things as Mooks or meat shields.
- Healers, leaders and the hard hitting hero will be priority targets.
- The Heart of the Five-Man Band dies first.
- Instead of shooting at armored enemies with normal bullets, I will remind my troops that explosive weapons and anti-armor bullets exist.
- I will post guards or snipers on rooftops as heroes tend to gather and plan there 50% of the time. The other 50% will be sewers, inns or their main base.
- If I see or get reports of columns of light, I will send a scout team to investigate. If it is an angel sent to help the hero, I will launch a MOBA. If it’s a god, I will inform the devil, as this will get me on his good side.
- My security cameras will have night vision, thermal vision and sound detectors.
- I will find ways that will increase my budget. But it will not be too extreme.
- If the hero somehow gets into my main chamber, I will talk to him while my crack snipers pull the trigger.
- The ultimate blacksmith will be on my payroll and he will also be moved to my R&D HQ. If he refuses to make any weapons for me or has already sided with the rebels, he dies.
- The master swordman, marksman, wizard/witch will also be under my payroll.
- Instead of teaching specific troops how to use guns, magic, or swords, I will teach all of my troops how to use guns, magic and swords.
- Those who force me to correct their spelling and grammar in their action reports shall have their fingers removed, and the rest of them tossed into a deep crater. I may not be a Grammar Nazi, but one must have standards. That and basic spelling and grammar is a big plus. Also, correct punctuation and spacing helps. Perhaps I should send them back to school instead, and force them to learn how to write correctly, as that might be the more evil option.
- If an old flame of mine contacts me, and tells me that I have a child through them, I shall demand a paternity test. I do not want to pay child support on a brat that isn't mine! That being said, if the child is indeed mine, I shall start making payments, plus interest. I shall even set up a trust fund for the child, and, if possible, spend time with them.
- If a long-lost child of mine has been abducted by one of my evil foes, and they demand money, my surrender, or the MacGuffin I worked so hard to get, I will contact The Hero and inform them of the situation. If nothing else, they will probably rescue the kid.
- If forced to rescue my own flesh and blood, I shall remind the assholes who kidnapped them that I am still an evil bastard, who won't hesitate to tear them limb from limb! The fact that they also kidnapped my offspring is just extra incentive to do so!
- If I succeed in rescuing my offspring from my eviler foe, just as the Heroes or the police show up, or my child has a clear view of what I might do, I shall let the proper authorities take the kidnapper away and turn myself in with plans to escape later, so long as my foe keeps their mouth shut! If my foe is foolish enough to threaten to do it again, I shall rip their head clean off! If nothing else, my enemies should get the message: don't mess with my children!
- If in Mossflower, I shall avoid that red-stone abbey. Lots of people have been beaten by those monks, and their woodland allies, to say nothing about that sword their Hero wields. Likewise, I shall stay away from that old volcano. Those hares, despite their foolish and gluttonous mannerisms, have a reputation for being deadly fighters, and those badgers love nothing more than a good fight. That being said, I shall be careful around vermin warlords, especially those who have a reputation of murdering would-be allies. I should also keep in mind that everyone's strategy in this universe basically boils down to "charge headfirst into the enemy and hope they're not classified as 'vermin'," so I'll bring in higher tech weapons (and power supplies) and/or forces with more advanced strategies if I can.
- I will start training combat medics, engineers and ammo suppliers.
- Instead of sending my army against the heroes, I will see if one crackshot sniper or elite hunter can do the job.
- I will not taunt the hero, I will instead shoot his head off.
- There is no such thing as relaxing on the job. Any guard who relaxes on the job or something similar will get a kick to the jaw.
- I will remind my troops that they can use their legs to kick the enemy.
- I should take notes from morden day prisons as well as their armies.
- All cults shall be banned or killed, I don’t want a moron to summon the demon that will end the world. I also don’t want a “good” cult to summon an angel that will guide the hero.
- Why am I in a Cellblock?
- I will never summon the Eldritch Abomination.
- I will invest in bulletproof shields as well as deployable cover, deployable barbed wire or traps works too.
- I will remind my pilots that flares exist.
- Since most of the heroes mothers die during birth, which leads to them becoming heroes, I will find a way to stop women from dying during birth. This will also increase my PR to the maximum. If it works, I will sell it or teach it to other countries for trillions of dollars.
- Anybody with a harem dies. Nowadays only heroes have harems.
- I will develop smart glass, also known as an Aimbot.
- I will develop anti-magic equipment.
- In my realm, ”plot” armor does not exist.
- I will train my troops not to yell out every single command or attack in battle. Especially when attacking from behind.
- I will enlist guard dogs in my army as they can sniff out my enemies. They are also great for tearing out throats. That's why it's important they are properly fed and maintained instead of starved and trained to develop a taste for human flesh.
- If I have the ancient weapon that will defeat me, I will blast it into the sun.
- Raping the hero’ love interest will usually result in my death, especially if I force him to watch it. The same applies to my troops.
- When me or my troops are training, I will blast Perturbator or Carpenter Brut music. This will increase training effectiveness by 1000%.
- Fragile speeders as well as jack of all-stats will learn basic parkour. Lightning bruisers will learn advanced parkour.
- I will convince the chessmaster to leave me out of his game.
- I will train my army to use the final stand tactic. If it works so well for heroes, it will work well for my troops. As a side note, any troops who survives final stand will get a promotion.
- I will invest in special ammo. Etc: explosive bullets, incendiary bullets, poison bullets and so forth.
- This list is ridiculously overpowered. I will remember not everything on it needs to be used.
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