So, you’ve been admitted to Troper U for the purpose of earning a degree and snagging yourself a future husband! Congladuashunz! Now you have to choose a major, but don’t worry! We here at the admissions committee have a handy guide of college majors that will aid you the most in finding a man. The guide includes both the Attraction of the degree - an explanation of how this degree will help you snag a man, as well as the Caveat - things you need to be careful with while pursuing this major.
The Attraction: Think that English majors only end up as stuffy professors or even stuffier editors? Think again! Because an English degree is an excellent prerequisite for a Law degree. After all, lawyering does involve a whole lot of reading, writing and most importantly, parsing words and sentences to your benefit. So, chances are the guy sitting next to you, could be a future law student and eventually a future lawyer earning higher end five figures right out of the gate! Why? Because unlike the Pre-Law, Poly Sci and Criminal Justice majors, who pick up causes to fight for with their law degrees and end up starved for cash, your English major classmate is most likely going to go into corporate law - where the big bucks are! And you’ll have all of four years to snag him and lock him in.
The Caveat: An English degree might seem like a cakewalk in the park - until you run into the two types of feared English professors. Namely the Hipster and the Contrarian Curmudgeon. The former will turn your fun degree into a bore fest by assigning obscure works. Which forces you to do a whole lo of mental gymnastics to echo their opinion on why this work that has been roundly rejected by mainstream humans, is actually the best thing since birthday cake! And mental gymnastics takes away valuable time and effort from chasing after that future law student! With the Contrarian it gets even worse - for they will make it their life’s mission to nitpick and rip apart any analysis you perform - even if it happens to reflect their own opinion. They will force you to spend precious time crying into your sheets - time you ought to use snagging yourself that law student.
The Attraction: Here’s something particularly cool about the Communication degree - it is known alongside Phys Ed as the Collegiate Athlete’s degree. Because this degree is so easy, it makes it possible for athletes to maintain the minimum C average needed to maintain academic eligibility. So, this degree gives you an opportunity to snare yourself a future pro athlete! Who will become an instant celebrity with a seven figure contract right out of the gate! And athletes who chose this degree instead of Phys Ed are thinking long term - why enter the coaching rat race after retiring when you could instead continue raking in the big bucks as a sports analyst for newspapers or TV! Got your mouth watering already, haven’t we?
The Caveat: Here’s the problem with the “snag an athlete husband” degree. The same ease of completion and lots of free time that makes it so attractive to athletes, also makes it attractive to women who will be in close proximity to athletes - the cheerleaders, dance team members and baton twirlers. Women selected for high levels of attractiveness and put out there at close range to various athletes. In other words, Competition! Very … Tough … Competition. So, if you want to achieve that dream of becoming a millionaire athlete’s wife, you’d better bring your A-game, so he will pick you and keep you with all the options presented to him daily.
The Attraction: Are you a little shy? You appear kinda closed off, kinda uncomfortable with talking to people, but in a cute way? But you are really hoping that someone just gets you, if only there was a way that you could know? Thankfully this degree will help you understand human behavior - and figure out which of the cute guys you’re secretly ogling actually likes you back..
The Caveat: Although Psychology is supposed to be a “social science”, there are always one or two professors who never get that memo. They will want to emulate the researchers in the hard sciences and (gasp!) set up labs and run experiments. Experiments that they may eventually rope you into either assisting them, or participating in. Experiments like their own brilliant new take on the Stanford Prison Experiment. This means doing actual research work, collecting data, analyzing data and (gasp!) letting randos criticize your findings! Not what you thought a “husband finder” major would be, right? Which is why we recommend majoring in sociology with an optional psychology minor. Sociology is after all, just the study of psychology extended to groups. Therefore it squarely falls under the realm of “social science” which means that any research work will only be relegated to graduate students. So you can focus on the truly important task of finding that mentally sound husband.
The Attraction:
The Caveat: Here is the problem with this degree. If the English, Communication, Psych or Biology major fails at the objective of snagging herself a husband in the college years, she can enter the workforce with that degree and try to snag a husband there. The problem with an Art History degree is that it cannot be leveraged to land you any decent job. So, it is off to pouring coffee, handing out burgers and fries through windows, bringing over plates of food or \bartending. Because the one job this degree qualifies you for - Art Museum Curator - is extremely rare. So, you’ll be serving food for decades waiting for the curator to kick the bucket and then compete with tens of thousands of other waiters and waitresses like you to snag his job. So, you’d better succeed at the husband snagging else your future will be bleaker than a Hieronymus Bosche canvas.
The Attraction: Guess who else are Biology majors, if not at least taking a lot of biology courses? Pre-Med majors, Biomedical Engineering majors, Pre-Pharma majors or guys who are targeting Medical School, Dental School, Pharmacy School, Physiotherapy school, Health Physics (radiology) and a few other professional healthcare degrees. Guys with (apparently) caring attitudes who will make loads of money during their careers. And this will be your earliest chance to snag them, before they find themselves surrounded by nurses, female doctors and physician’s’ assistants.
The Caveat: Med school is however, quite competitive. Which means your man is going to be in a rat race with other pre-med, biomed and pre-pharma majors for the few slots available. So, if you are actually on the smarter side of the scale and start getting quite a few As, your man suddenly won’t see you as wifey material - he will start seeing you as competition! So, you have to be careful and strike a balancing act. Ramp back on the academics just enough to not make your man feel threatened, but don’t ramp back so much that you flunk out! For that will leave you with no degree and no future doctor husband.
