Funny / You've Got Mail

• When Kathleen's campaign makes Joe look bad on TV:
  Joe (seeing himself on TV): Hey, there's the good-looking guy!
  TV!Joe: I sell cheap books. I do, so sue me.
  *cut to reporter*: And that, in a nutshell, is the Fox Books philosophy.
  Joe: Hey!
  Kevin: You said that?
  Joe: Yeah, but...that's not all I said! I said - aww, I can't believe those bastards! I said we were great. I said you could sit and read for hours and no one will bother you. I said we have a hundred and fifty thousand titles. I showed them the New York section. I said we were a goddamn piazza! A place in the city where people can mingle and mix and be!
  Kevin: ...Piazza?
  Joe: I WAS ELOQUENT! SHIT!
  • Following that, Kathleen making a statement on television that stuns Joe in his tracks. On a treadmill!
• Joe's conversation with his father Nelson (who has just been kicked out by his latest girlfriend and is living on his yacht).
  Nelson: You know, I stayed on this boat after... let's see, your mother... Laurette, the ballet dancer...
  Joe: My nanny.
  Nelson: She was the nanny?
  Joe: Yeah.
  Nelson: (laughs) I forgot that. How ironic. Then there was the ice skater...
  Joe: Also my nanny.
  Nelson: Really?
  Joe: (rolls eyes) Yeah!
  Nelson: That's amazingly ironic. And then there was Sybil, the... um... it's an "A" word...
  Joe: Astrologer.
  Nelson: Exactly. Yeah
  Joe: Whose moon turned out to be in someone else's house, as I recall.
  Nelson: Just like Gillian.
  Joe: Gillian ran off with someone?
  Nelson: The nanny!
• After Kathleen talking to Christina (her shop clerk) about her online relationship with Joe.
  Christina: (under her breath) Have you had sex?
  Kathleen: No, of course not! I don't even know him.
  Christina: No; I mean cyber sex.
  Kathleen: No.
  Christina: Well, you know what? Don't do it, 'cause the minute you do, they lose all respect for you.
  (A moment later)
  Birdie: (enters the store) What are you girls talking about?
  Christina: (in a "naughty" voice) Cybersex.
  Birdie: I tried to have cybersex once, but I kept getting a busy signal!
  Christina: (sympathetic) I know! I was really depressed one Saturday, and I-
  Birdie: (walks off, talking loudly over Christina) Time to open up!
• Kathleen and Joe clashing at a party, over the buffet.
  (Joe is spooning some caviar from the edge of a tray onto his plate.)
  Kathleen: What is that? What is that? What are you doing? You're taking all the caviar? That caviar is a garnish!
  Joe: (very deliberately scoops all of the remaining caviar onto his plate)
  • As their conversation continues, Kathleen begins to scoop caviar off his plate and back on the serving dish.
• Joe explaining how The Godfather is the source of all wisdom.
• Kathleen is stood up on the same day a Serial Killer is arrested, making her employers think that the killer was her date. They also mention a Noodle Incident where Kathleen thought Frank was the Unabomber.