As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.
Wontkins: Those Wilkins Coffee commercials!
Wilkins: You don't like 'em?
Wontkins: No!
Wilkins: Then, let me fix your set.
(television explodes)
Wontkins: Ya' can't win...
Wilkins: You don't like 'em?
Wontkins: No!
Wilkins: Then, let me fix your set.
(television explodes)
Wontkins: Ya' can't win...
Jim Henson's Wilkins Coffee commercials about the psychotic proto-Muppet Wilkins, whose love for the titular coffee (and sometimes Wilkins Tea or Instant Coffee) was so great that he would often torture his friend Wontkins for not liking it, had a long history of Crossing the Line Twice into sheer hilarity.
Several of these commercials can be viewed here
.
- "OK buddy, what do you think of Wilkins Coffee?" "I never tasted it." (BOOM!) "Now what do YOU think of Wilkins?"
- Wilkins making a fact on Wilkins Coffee:Wilkins: You sure get a lift with Wilkins Coffee.Wontkins: Not me, I- (acends into the air)Wilkins: And not drinking Wilkins could be your downfall. (Wontkins falls back down with a bump)
- Wilkins and Wontkins going for a walk:Wilkins: You won't find anyone who doesn't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee!Wontkins: I'll look high and (falls into an open manhole) LOOOOOOOOOW!Wilkins: How low can you get?
- Wontkins learning the hard way that Cheaters Never Prosper.Wontkins: I've got five aces! Can you beat that?
Wilkins: (puts a container of Wilkins Coffee on the table) I've got a can of Wilkins Coffee! (takes out a gun and shoots Wontkins at point-blank range) Nothing beats Wilkins! - "Want some Wilkins Coffee with your pie?" "Naw, just give me the pie." (SPLAT!) "Sure you wouldn't like a cup of Wilkins to wash it down?"
- Wilkins is riding a stagecoach with Wontkins on the outside.Wontkins: The Indians won't bother you. All you got is a shipment of Wilkins Coffee.(Cut to Wilkins' stagecoach on the move, having been attacked by fired arrows)Wilkins: Someday, he's gonna learn that everybody drinks Wilkins!
- "You want a can of Wilkins Coffee?" "Naw, give me a bottle of ginger ale!" "Okay!" (smashes bottle of ginger ale over Wontkins's head) "But he would've liked the Wilkins!"
- Wilkins and Wontkins fencing with blunts:Wilkins: En garde! Salute Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: But I don't drink Wilkins Coffee.(Cut to Wilkins wiping blood off his blade)Wilkins: Some learn, some don't.
- Wilkins as a waiter:Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your strawberry shortcake?Wontkins: Can't say that I do.Wilkins: (smashes the shortcake into Wontkins's face and pours the coffee on him) You can't say that you don't, either!
- Wilkins out William Telling:Wontkins: (with a apple on his head) Okay, William Tell, this better be good!Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: No!(TWANG!)Wilkins: We can still use the apple again!
- Wilkins and Wontkins are in what is presumed to be a dark alleyway. Wilkins is a shady salesman.Wilkins: I can get you Wilkins Coffee for a price.Wontkins: I wouldn't touch it.(Cue Wilkins firing a gun at Wontkins off-screen.)
- Wilkins and Wontkins mountain climbing:Wilkins: Say, did you bring the Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: No! (Wilkins lets go of him and he falls) I FORGOOOOOOOOOOOT!!Wilkins: When you come back up, don't forget the Wilkins!
- "Y'know, people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee just blow up sometimes!" "Aw, that's a lot of-" (Wilkins presses down on a detonator and blows up Wontkins) "See what I mean?"
- Wontkins on the saw-type Conveyor Belt o' Doom:Wilkins: If you don't start drinking Wilkins Coffee, I'll make you into 2x4's!Wontkins: I shoulda saw this coming.Wilkins: (while the saw blade is going off) He always was a cut-up!
- Wilkins and Wontkins at the Washington Monument.Wilkins: How 'bout a delicious cup of Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: No. (The monument randomly falls on him)Wilkins: Strange things happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
- Wilkins commenting that anyone who doesn't like Wilkins Coffee should be tarred and feathered. He gets a "Wrong!" from Wontkins, who HAS been tarred and feathered.Wilkins: He always was a bad sport!
- Wilkins as a Fortune Teller named Snikliw:Wilkins: (to Wontkins, looking into a Crystal Ball) I see you don't drink Wilkins Coffee.Wontkins: What about my future?Wilkins: I hate to tell you, but... (Wontkins suddenly explodes offscreen to leave only smoke behind) you don't have a future!
- Wontkins making a dark confession while stranded on a desert island.Wontkins: I wouldn't admit this if I wasn't alone, but... I really DO like Wilkins Coffee!
Wilkins: (pops up from the back of the scene with a Wilkins Coffee sign) Did you call?
Wontkins: Ugh... - Wilkins, alone in a forest, commenting that he'd give a million bucks for a cup of Wilkins Coffee. A cup of Wilkins Coffee suddenly appears in his hand, followed by Wontkins popping up and yelling "Okay buster, pay up!"
- One of the few times Wilkins is on the receiving end of humiliation - when he orders Wilkins Instant Coffee by telephone, not that he minds."Hello, grocery store? Send me some Wilkins Instant Coffee!" (coffee comes out of the machine and sprays Wilkins) "Man! How instant can you get?"
- "If you don't drink Wilkins Coffee, you're not all there!" "Aw, that's a lot of-" (Wontkins suddenly disappears from existence) "In fact, without Wilkins Coffee, you're nowhere!"
- Wilkins and Wontkins in a balloon with a few crates of Wilkins Coffee. Wontkins notices that the balloon is beginning to sink, and suggests that they throw out the Wilkins Coffee. We then cut to Wilkins alone in the balloon, excitedly exclaiming "Just me and Wilkins Instant for 80 whole days!"
- "Ye Olde Boston Tea Party":Wontkins: Throw all the tea overboard, men!Wilkins: (in a posh British accent) I say, this dreadful thing would never had happened if we'd sent them Wilkins Tea.
- "I love these Wilkins Coffee commercials, don' you?" "I'm tired of 'em!" (Stage suddenly gets torn apart to the sound of machine gun fire) "Just kidding, Mr. Wilkins!"
- Wilkins and Wotkins at sea.Wilkins: How about some Wilkins Coffee, captain?Wontkins: No!Wilkins: (pushes Wontkins off the boat) I say, man overboard. Help.
- Wontkins is standing in front of a cafe. Wilkins, in hat and coat, steps into the frame and asks:Wilkins: Got $65 for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: $65?!Wilkins: You want me to go in there looking like a bum?
- Wilkins showing Wontkins a guillotine, while Wilkins is holding the blade up with a rope.Wilkins: This machine will make you want a cup of Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: Not me! I'll- (Wilkins lets go of the rope and the blade slides down, narrowly missing Wontkins.)...take mine with cream and sugar.
- Sometimes, Wilkins tries to be more polite to Wontkins.Wilkins: Want a cup of Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: What'l Mr. Wilkins do if I don't?
- Wilkins and Wontkins are in an airplane, we see Wilkins dressed in drag as a hostess and Wontkins sitting in a passenger seat:Wilkins: Have some Wilkins Coffee, sir?Wontkins: If that’s all you serve, I’ll get off at the next town.Wilkins: (pushes Wontkins out from the suspended airplane) Next town's five miles, straight down!
- In this one, we see Wilkins simply talking about how Wilkins Coffee is good coffee. Wontkins then pops out of a Wilkins Coffee tin and says that it is a bad commercial, with Wilkins quickly closing the lid and leaving him inside, and says that the commercial may be bad, but the coffee's wonderful.
- Wilkins and Wontkins in a laboratory.Wilkins: This machine tells if you're a good guy or bad guy.Wontkins: How?Wilkins: All good guys drink Wilkins Instant Coffee!(Wilkins turns on the machine, which hits Wontkins repeatedly with two mallets as the words "BAD GUY" flash on with a buzzing noise in the background)
- Wilkins asking about the Wilkins Coffee bandwagon.Wilkins: You gettin' on the Wilkins Coffee bandwagon?Wontkins: Never.(Said bandwagon enters the frame and runs over Wontkins)Wilkins: You either go with Wilkins or you just don't go.
- Wilkins and Wontkins in a baseball field.Wontkins: Well, what was it? A ball or a strike?Wilkins: You drink Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: Naw.Wilkins: Stee-rike three, you're out!
- Wilkins, as a beatnik, comes across Wontkins, whose head is square.Wilkins: Hey man, what makes you so square?Wontkins: I don't dig Wilkins Coffee.(A can of Wilkins Coffee tied to a rope swings on-screen hitting Wontkins in the head)Wilkins: You should! It really swings!
- Wilkins is standing next to a suspended bell holding a mallet, Wontkins enters the frame:Wilkins: Hey, I wanna show you something about Wilkins Coffee.Wontkins: What?Wilkins: Put your head in here. (Wontkins puts his head inside the bell and Wilkins hits it with the mallet, leaving Wontkins shook up) Wilkins Coffee rings the bell.
- Wilkins having Wontkins take a survey.Wilkins: Next question! What do you think of Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: It's wonderful! Delicious!Wilkins: You see, friends—Wontkins: Now pay me the ten bucks!
- Wontkins wanders into a diner, staffed by Wilkins...Wontkins: What kind of coffee do ya sell?Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: Don't you have any other kind?Wilkins: Sure, we have it, but we don't sell it!
- Wilkins and Wontkins are riding horses in the Wild West.Wilkins: Let's stop and make a pot of Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: Keep going. I don't like coffee.(Wilkins casually picks up a gun and shoots Wontkins off-screen.)Wilkins: It happened that way: moving west.
- Wontkins is on trial with Wilkins as the judge.Wilkins: Why were you speeding?Wontkins: I wanted a cup of coffee.Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: Naw, just coffee. (Cut to him behind bars.) Next time, I'll say Wilkins.
- Wilkins and Wontkins standing on active tracks.Wilkins: Look out, here comes my trainload of Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: WHY would you want a whole trainload-(Train pulls up in front of Wontkins and comes to a stop.)Wilkins: I like Wilkins.
- Wontkins as a Game Show Host.Wontkins: You win a new car, or a case of Wilkins Instant Coffee!Wilkins: I'll take the Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: We'll never get rid of that car...
- Why did Wontkins agree to a Knife-Throwing Act in the first place?Wontkins: Watch out where you throw those knives!Wilkins: Are you drinking Wilkins Instant Coffee yet?Wontkins: No!Wilkins: (Wilkins is now wearing a blindfold) Okay, let's try it blindfolded!
- Smile for the camera, Wontkins. It'll be worth it.Wilkins: With this camera, I shoot pictures of people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: I'm ready! Shoot!Wilkins: Anybody else? (Points camera at the screen.)
- The biggest Take That! at the censors one can imagine.
- Wilkins and Wontkins are riding a biplane, with Wilkins as the pilot:Wilkins: Got your parachute?Wontkins: I forgot it.Wilkins: How about the Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: I forgot that, too.(Wilkins flips the plane upside down, causing Wontkins to fall)Wilkins: He'll never forget this!
- Wilkins and Wontkins are standing in front of a coffee machine:Wilkins: Put your money in here and you get a cup of Wilkins Coffee.Wontkins: I don't want any.Wilkins: Then push that button. (he pushes the button and a boxing glove springs out from the machine, hitting Wontkins in the face) How 'bout a cup of Wilkins?
- Wilkins and Wontkins as cowboys:Wilkins: How about a cup of Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: Nah, let me have Brand X.Wilkins: Okay.(Wilkins marks Wontkins with a branding iron he's wielding)Wontkins: OOOH, THAT SMARTS!
- Wilkins and Wontkins surrounded by cannibals:Wilkins: Hey, the cannibals are boiling us in Wilkins Coffee.Wontkins: Yeah, so what?Wilkins: I was beginning to think you’d never join me in a cup of Wilkins!
- Wontkins's research backfiring:Wontkins: After much research, I found that the best coffee is— (gets cut off by a curtain closing on him)Wilkins: He was problaby gonna say "Wilkins", but I couldn't take the chance.
- Wilkins putting a lit bomb on Wontkins' windowsill:Wilkins: You have any Wilkins Coffee in your house?Wontkins: No!(Wilkins shoves the bomb in the house)Wilkins: You know a house isn't a home without Wilkins Coffee.(the house explodes as Wilkins turns around and watches)
- Wilkins parked Wontkins' car in the "Super-Safe Parking". Unfortunately, the car is destroyed:Wontkins: What happened to my car?Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: Naw, so what?Wilkins: Well, things seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
- Wilkins is sitting behind a bar counter:Wilkins: Lunch with Wilkins Coffee: 75 cents.Wontkins: I didn't drink the Wilkins.Wilkins: That's one dollar even. It pays to drink Wilkins.(Wontkins stares at the camera in shock)
- Wilkins sitting with one can of Wilkins Coffee, and a can of Cheap Coffee.Wilkins: I have Wilkins Coffee and another kind of coffee.Wontkins: I want the cheap stuff!(Two birds come out of the Cheap Coffee can)Birds: Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!Wilkins: Sorry, but that other coffee is for the birds.
- Wilkins and Wontkins at an "Eggs & Wilkins Coffee" bar.Wontkins: Give me the eggs and no Wilkins Coffee!Wilkins: Give him the eggs, boys! (Wontkins gets pelted with eggs) A meal without Wilkins is a mess!
- Wilkins and Wontkins are resting for a moment on a branch of a tall tree.Wontkins: Why're we climbing this tree?Wilkins: For Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: I don't want any. (Wilkins promptly knocks him out of the tree)Wilkins: It's autumn, and the nuts are beginning to fall.
- Wilkins and Wontkins at a swimming pool.Wilkins: I just filled my whole swimming pool with Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: (falls into the pool) Help, I'm drowning!Wilkins: I told him he'd end up drinking Wilkins!
