Funny / Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

• To announce a Not My Job segment based on The World Cup, Carl let off an epic "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLL!!". It had to be heard to be believed. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome that he could do that. (Here, under "Carl's Special FX")
  • The "Carl's Special FX" segment also includes Carl's uncanny impression of a vuvuzela...
  • ...and his feebly hilarious attempt to make a "laser gun" sound effect.
• A story about the discovery that mice sang to attract mates included the playing of a mouse song: "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye played in a high pitch.
• Sort of an in-show example, the Tony Shalhoub "Not My Job" segment is so funny that they've aired it no less than three times during 2010.
  • Including two consecutive Best-Of shows!
• An unbelievably funny one in a best-of episode about how annoying the Microsoft Office Assistant paperclip is and how many people would like to kill him (including, it turns out, Bill Gates). The discussion of Bill Gates' company e-mail titled "Clippy Must Die!" led to a run of jokes from Adam Felber and Paul Provenza about Clippy being "taken out". The whole monologue is hilarious but the last line is hysterical:
  "'It looks you're digging a grave! Is this a business grave or a personal grave?'"
• There was also the whole bit on Peepers the Duck accidentally foiling a bank robbery.
  Adam Felber: In retrospect, that was the most deeply flawed part of our plan. Next time, NO DUCKS!!
• And then there's the time George Takei played "Not My Job", and ended up in one of the best It Makes Sense in Context moments ever:
  Peter Sagal: So, let me get this straight: you're going to "go down flaming" because you think "men are necessary".
• Craig Ferguson of The Late Late Show playing Not My Job.
  Craig Ferguson: I'm gonna go with the Astors and the three-way with the monkey.
• An older episode began with guest host Adam Felber responding to complaints that they went overboard on the previous week's show making fun of the Republicans:
  Adam: You said this was just another example of the media's liberal bias, and that we would never treat the Democrats that badly. [beat] Oh we wouldn't, would we?
• During the furor over the two British sailors detained in Iran, Peter Sagal said then-President Bush had even gotten on the phone with the Prime Minister and explained “what we would've done if Iran had done such a thing to us. Namely: invade Nepal.”
  • There was also a time he was discussing the possibility of the US going to war against Iran “But unfortunately, we used that crystal back at the last save point.”
• Meghan McCain's appearance on "Not My Job" included this gem involving food at state fairs:
  Adam Felber: "Every day was 'Hot Beef Sunday' on the Edwards campaign!"
• Paula's epic bluff about air turbulence, punctuated with stoner jokes about Keith Richards (who had fallen out of a tree recently).
• When the Wait Wait staff finds something funny, they tend to repeat it a lot. The Tony Shalhoub interview above is one example; another is Paula Poundstone's debate with/rant at diet guru Michael Pollan about snack cakes.
  • The best part of that one is that Pollan's argument (which was, simply, that we shouldn't eat processed snack foods) caused Paula to exclaim "What the hell's the matter with you?" twice.
• In a game of "guess the real headline", one of the options was "Strip Search Finds Crack Between Buttocks". They nearly had to stop the show because Faith Salie, who wasn't even the one answering that question, almost passed out from laughing so hard. (As it turns out, it was also the real headline.)
• For Henry Winkler's go at Not My Job, all the answers turned out to be A. Or as Fonzie would say, Aaay!
• The one limerick contestant who apparently didn't know what a fork was.
• During a "Not My Job" segment with Tom Hanks (the "nicest guy in Hollywood"):
  Tom Hanks: Can I just say one thing?
  Peter Sagal: What?
  Tom Hanks: Damn you to hell!
• The clue for a question about a helium shortage in 2006 was Carl in a high voice. Peter got him to say "This is Carl Kasell, NPR News" in that high voice.
• The limerick contestant everyone feared had been Driven to Suicide.
• This mock Story Corps story that shoved in as much Double Entendre as possible.
• On the episode broadcast June 9th, 2012, the first story of the “Not My Job” segment concerned an early twentieth-century doctor named John Brinkley, who grew rich “by transplanting goat gonads into” his patients. After guest Sam Katz (chef for the White House) correctly guessed the answer, the panelists discussed this bizarre medical practice, with Roxanne Roberts questioning “What were they supposed to do?” To which P. J. O'Rourke rejoined “Oh, come now.”
• After a man reportedly found a dead mouse in his Mountain Dew, the company claimed that this was impossible because the drink would have dissolved the mouse. This led to Peter proposing that immersion in Mountain Dew was an execution method for gangster mice, leading to him and the panelists creating the story of Squeaky, the mouse snitch. The highlight was the method of informing him of his execution: a pull-tab wrapped in newspaper.
• On October 27, 2012, Drew Carey filled in for Peter Sagal and started off the show by thanking them for giving him the chance to "ruin another beloved American game show".
• During a "Bluff the Listener" round in October 2013, Mo Rocca mentioned "itchy homemade sweaters" on goats and immediately caught himself lest he ignite another media firestorm.
• Following the revelation that listeners had sent Mo Rocca homemade sweaters in retaliation, other panelists began declaring that they "hated" bricks of gold.
• A listener's attempt at guessing the last word of this limerick wound up funnier than the actual answer (which, of course, was supposed to be Zombies):
  Carl: I can face all the undead hordes calmly,
  even if they can learn how to bomb me.
  In my fort I keep fresh,
  and they won’t eat my flesh.
  My new home will protect me from _________?
  Contestant: (confidently) Romney!
• Tom Bodett's story in this 2008 game of Bluff The Listener. Which ends up being the real story.
  • He even gets the audience to sing along!
• From 2011, the way this Limerick player introduces herself.
  Peter: So, is that what you do there, I guess?
  (about half a minute later)
  Peter: You know, we've only known each other for 30 seconds or so, but I fell as if I know you really well.
• This moment during a Listener Limerick Challenge in 2015 (answer in spoilers):
  Bill: For our kingdom, I fought a bold fight.
  My Viagra addressed a big blight.
  Old groins can now stir,
  So they've made me a Sir.
  For my pills, they have made me a knight.
  (brief silence) It's a hard one.
• During Secrets Of The Amazon Dot Com from Bill Kurtis' first show as the official judge and scorekeeper:
  Peter: Alright, Charlie, this last one is for you. Keith Richards wrote a children's book, it's called "Gus and Me". He has no recollection of writing it, but people who bought "Gus And Me" also bought what?
  Charlie Pierce: Heroin.
  Bill: An advice book called "What Would Keith Richards Do?"
  Peter: Or...?
  Bill: Rolling Stones certified kidney stones.
  Peter: Or...?
  Bill: Heroin.
• As Peter was explaining Bluff The Listener to a contestant, the caller asked if Roxanne Roberts was on the panel. When Peter said yes, the caller immediately chose her without hearing a single story. It turns out the caller was wrong and Tom Bodett had the true story.
• Whenever Peter screws up, the panel can't refuse to jump on it. Take this incident during a discussion on Barry Bonds breaking Babe Ruth's home run record in 2006.
  Peter: Well, I don't know if you know this, but his balls have been marked with special holographs and DNA.
  Charlie Pierce: WHAT?
  Peter: This is true. You may— Barry Bonds' balls— (realizes what he just said, starts chuckling)
  Charlie: Peter? Peter, you know, this is one of those where you see it coming down the track for about a mile and a half—-
  Peter: And I wasn't able to get out of the way!
  Charlie: You can't do anything about it, just brazen it through.
  Peter: Yeah.
• Peter blames a Limerick contestant not getting a limerick right on the accent Carl was using. It was supposed to be a Chicago accent, but if you listen to Carl reading the limerick, it sounds more like a French-Canadian accent.
• In a 2013 Not My Job on things people can't find, Peter let the guest (Google chairman Eric Schmidt) cheat and search for answers on Google after he got the first question wrong. It worked. He ended up getting the other two questions correct and won.
• From a March 2015 Listener Limerick Challenge that had the respective answers of "weed" and "pot" for the first two...
  Bill: Bennett ^note  the caller playing the game , you're really great. Let's see how well you do on this one.
  Bennett: Is the next one's answer "marijuana"? (crowd breaks into laughter)
  Bill: How did you know?
  Peter: Oh, let him read the limerick.
  Bill: Ben and Jerry mix up a what do you wanna...
• Sometimes leading into the Listener Limerick Challenge, Peter promotes the podcast "How To Do Everything" from the show's producers. In one such promo:
  Peter: This week, Mike and Ian make me eat something I don't want to. This promo is the first I am hearing of this.
• A 2014 story about an experiment involving changing good and bad memories with lasers.
  Roy Blount, Jr.: And mice have lots of bad memories.
  Peter: Oh, they do. Now, put that aside...
  Paula Poundstone: (as mouse) Remember the time—?
  Adam Felber: (as mouse) I can't go back there, man.
  Peter: It was like I was trapped in a maze!
  Adam: (as mouse) Right turn, left turn, right turn, left turn. Oh my god, where's my cheese? Just give me the cheese!
  Paula: (as mouse) Minnie just kept badgering me and badgering me and badgering me.
  • During Peter's explanation of the story:
    Peter: They basically, in order to give these mice good memories that they could then experiment with, they gave the mice threesomes.
    Adam: (as mouse) It's always been a fantasy of mine. Never said it out loud, it's like these guys know me.
    Peter: The scientists are sitting around, right, and they're thinking about what would give a mouse a good memory, and just, you know, as one of the scientists was about to say "Well, we could go with cheese," another scientist shouts out "THREESOME! THREESOME!"
    Paula: One scientist said: "How about fishing with their dad?"
    Roy: And the mice all said: "No, no, no."
    Peter: (as mouse) No, no, no, no. Listen to the first guy! Listen to the first guy!
    Roy: What's the bad memory? Do we know?
    Peter: It was an electric shock.
    Paula: The bad memory was being on a wheel while the guy with the threesome was in the other tank.
    Peter: Trying to get over to join in and you don't get anywhere.
    Paula: (as a mouse running in a wheel)' I feel like I'm getting closer!
• From the March 28, 2015 episode, this question in Lightning Fill-In-The-Blank.
  Peter: Despite the fact that we have the right to bear arms, an Oregon man was cited this week for carrying blank. ^note  The answer was "bear arms", as in "the arms of a bear".
  Moshe Kasher: An AK-47.
  Peter: No.
  Moshe: A gun.
  Peter: No.
  Moshe: A shotgun.
  Peter: No.
  Moshe: A taser.
  Peter: This doesn't work that way.
• This 2006 Listener Limerick Challenge features an English teacher who needs some help understanding how limericks work.
• This question from December 2014 is so good, it definitely needs a transcription.
  Peter: Mo, the Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn knows it's hard to get local hipsters to go to church, right? So this Christmas, they've put up ads telling people that going to church will give them a great chance to do what?
  Mo Rocca: Is it, does it have to do with the afterlife, or...?
  Peter: No, it has to do with the phone in their pockets and what people like to do with their phones. Specifically, the camera of their phones.
  Mo: Gosh, it's something... Okay, if they go to church in Brooklyn, something special will happen to their phones.
  Adam Felber: They will be stolen.
  Faith Salie: Jesus will appear.
  Peter: Well, Jesus will appear, actually...
  Mo: Jesus will appear on your phone.
  Peter: ...when you do what at the church with your phone?
  Mo: When you give yourself a selfie, do you turn into Jesus? When you... the Holy Eucharist. It's like a transubstantiation app.
  Adam: I say we keep this going.
  Peter: Let's keep going. No, seriously.
  Mo: So when you go to church...
  Peter: This is what we've established.
  Adam: With your cell phone...
  Peter: You go to church with your cell phone, which has a camera on it...
  Mo: You can take a picture of Jesus in the church.
  Peter: Yes.
  Adam: WITH WHO?!
  Peter: With who?
  Faith: With whom?
  Peter: WHO ELSE IS IN THE PICTURE?
  Mo: Oh, a priest. (everyone else groans) Oh, nononononononononononono.
  Adam: BILL, TAKE AWAY A POINT!
  Mo: Nonononono, you can take a selfie with Jesus.
  Peter: YES! YES!
  Faith: Hallelujah.
  Peter: Thank you, Jesus!
  Mo: You know, you know, I have to tell you...
  Peter: Yes, Mo, please.
  Mo: That last guess was a Hail Mary.
  • Later on, during Lightning Fill-In-The-Blank, as Mo rambles on to answer his last question...
    Faith: This is where the lightning round becomes an electrical storm.
    Adam: It's like a Van de Graaf generator.
• The audience once managed to beat Amy Dickinson to answer a Lightning Fill-In-The-Blank question, but Bill got the last laugh.
  Bill: Amy got four right, the audience got one...
• Adam Felber's impression of a drunk Russian airline pilot.
• A panel round from the May 14, 2016 show starts off on a news story about the features that high-end luxury apartments have for their residents with children and snowballs into a series of jokes about Marxist talking giraffe wet nurses.
• When Carrie Fisher was on Not My Job, she recounts how her daughter was flirting with Elizabeth Taylor's grandson and had to ask if they were related. (For context, Carrie's father Eddie Fisher cheated on Carrie's mom, Debbie Reynolds, with Taylor.) She had to draw a chart.
  Carrie: Turns out they're related by scandal.
• Peter asks Luke Burbank a question regarding urinals. The story itself is hilarious, but Charlie Pierce's iconic and infectious laughter makes it even better.
  Peter: Luke, thanks to an inventor named Richard Deutsch, the next time you go into a men's room, the urinal might start doing what?
  (Charlie Pierce cracks up)
  Luke: Uh... Singing?
  Peter: Close, close. It will be talking. A talking urinal. If your local restroom operator has installed the "Wizmark Urinal Communicator"...
  Charlie: (cracks up again) Boy, the boys in marketing worked hard for the name, didn't they?
  Peter: (continuing) The next time you visit a restroom, you will hear advertising messages, such as, "Hey, now that you're ready for another beer, let it be Lowenbrau!"
  Roxanne Roberts: What if they had celebrities or comedians doing jokes in the urinal? (slight laughter from audience) Well, at least it could be funny!
  Charlie: (laughing again) TALKING URINALS isn't funny enough?? I don't care if they read three chapters of Leviticus, that's pretty funny!
• During the January 27, 2024 show's Lightning Fill-in-the-Blank round:
  Peter: After dropping out of the presidential race on Sunday, [blank] immediately endorsed Donald Trump.
  Dulcé Sloan: (after a Beat) The goofy-ass man from Florida! Ah...!
  Peter: I'm gonna give it to you: Ron DeSantis. (ding) This week, Florida officials released their annual warning for residents to watch out for [blanks] falling from the trees.
  Dulcé: Iguanas?
  Peter: Uh, frozen iguanas, yes. (ding) We also would have accepted, again, Ron DeSantis.

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