Funny / Vigil (Peptuck)

• How XCOM's Commander secured funding for the organization despite several countries trying to pull support:
  I called dibs on the psionics.
• Doctor Zakharov's initial findings regarding the "Flashlights:"
  Zakharov: Until we have a better name for them, I would recommend we use the designator “Flashlight” for their platforms. History has shown us that no matter what silly name the men in the field come up with for the enemy, we invariably take their capabilities seriously.
  (scene break)
  Random XCOM trooper: When we get down there, I want to make one of those Flashlight heads into a hat.
• The fact that one of Zakharov's infomorph research teammembers constantly shows up as a giant black cube because everyone's autocensoring his avatar.
• Tevos and Aethyta's meeting. For context, the fact that they're talking without killing each other is a miracle in the first place.
  Tevos: Would you like a drink Aethyta?
  Aethyta: Shit, this must be serious.
• James Vega's introduction to a horrified ATC guard.
  Lieutenant Tamarkus glanced between the XCOM troopers, and then up over the captain’s shoulder, and then up… and up.
  “Sup, hombre,” Private Vega growled at the nervous lieutenant’s stare.
  “You, um. You have a bear.”
• James Vega is an uplifted bear. There is absolutely nothing more that can be said that makes that fact funnier or more awesome.
• The abrupt, complete Mood Whiplash when Alma goes from being a Creepy Child to a squeeing, happy child when she sees Vega.
• Admiral Victus lampshading a depressing tendency in nearly every Mass Effect crossover (as well as Mass Effect itself):
  “For some reason, everyone always expects first contact scenarios to end in some idiotic shooting match for the flimsiest of reasons."
• Much of the conversation between Garrus and Alison. They bicker Like an Old Married Couple.
• The fact that part of the reason humanity is helping the geth bring the quarians back is out of pure spite.
  Chambers: “But the Ethereals wished the quarian species wiped from the galaxy. At the very least we’d welcome the chance to bring your Creators back, if only to stick it to those fuckers.”
• Marshal Disler's completely deadpan reaction to being kidnapped, murdered, and cannibalized.
  “I was killed again, wasn’t I?”
• Most of what Garm says. Hell, Garm himself: an uplifted ninja-commando-viking cat.
• Xelen, the most foul-mouthed, heavily-armed hanar cop you will ever meet.
  (while shooting at a cyborg): “This one finds it appropriate that your mother has sexual relations with elcor who possess unattractive pheromones.”
  (after driving said cyborg with More Dakka): “The illegitimate offspring of diseased varren and krogan fecal matter may return. Prepare your weapons to reduce him to slag if he possesses insufficient intelligence or sufficient reproductive fortitude to attempt another attack.”
• This line from a random XCOM soldier (It Makes Sense in Context):
  “Is that skeleton doing parkour?”
• When Fettel pulls Shepard into a hallucination and begins monologuing, Shepard's response? Shoot Fettel in the face.
• "Nanomachines, Sun?"
• Alma reads Saren's surface thoughts. Her conclusion?
  Alma: He's... a bit of an asshole, sir.
• The fact that Garrus tracks down Fettel by figuring out that he really just wants to eat a cheeseburger.
• Alison's annoyance at getting grappled by a Seeker and its attempts to to crush and strangle her. Topped a moment later by getting her arm shot off and being further annoyed that now she has to shoot with her left hand.
  • Later on, a Corrupted severs her head completely. She's even more annoyed because now she has to rely on her suit cameras instead of her eyes.
• Shepard's reaction to every new trick the Ethereals pull out is best summed up with a single phrase.
  Shepard: "Oh, that is bullshit."
• James suplexing a Muton Berserker is equal parts hilarious and awesome.
• Shepard summing up how screwed the Ethereal is in Chapter Eleven:
  Shepard: Your battleship is ours. Your bodyguards are dead. You’re surrounded. And we have a bear.
  Vega: Sup, hombre.
• The fact that one of the Shadow Broker's many, many forks intentionally modelled itself after Deadpool.
• Shepard and Alma talking about Garm:
  Alma: Has anyone ever told you how weird it is that you have a viking cat for a partner?
  Shepard: You walk around with a power-armored Hispanic teddy bear.
• Most characters's leitmotif is something rather profound, or hints at things of their characters. And then there's Saren's theme.
• A lot of the banter between Cayde-6 and his crew.
  Miranda: Perimeter secure. No threats. Well, beyond the typical on Illium.
  Cayde: Watch out for those contract ninjas.
  Ellie: Wait. Do you mean contracted ninjas or ninjas armed with contracts?
  Miranda: This is Illium, so yes.
  • Miranda and Mesa watching Spencer beat up a bunch of replica with his bare hands.
  Miranda:That never gets old.
  Mesa: Rawr. Oh, sorry, you can’t see, I’m making these little kitty paws, because that was so sexy.
  • Generally, everything that Ellie says. She's somewhere between Penny, Gortys, and Brightwing.
  (While massacring Replica with a vehicle-mounted plasma cannon) "Cayde, you should hurry!" Ellie transmitted cheerfully. "I have successfully distracted them with horrible, burning death!"
• Cayde-6 installed upon the Pax's bridge the most important thing for the captain of any ship to have.
  Sensors mounted in the platform detected his presence, and the air filters started to blow. The Exo struck a domineering pose, head thrown back and hands on his hips, and the cloak flared out and billowed dramatically. All he was missing was a keg of ale to put his foot on.
  Lorik Qui'in stared at him for a moment, mandibles spread apart in the rough turian equivalent of "Are you shitting me."
• The Running Gag of how everyone on the Pax's crew can understand Spencer, despite the fact that he only speaks in gestures, shrugs, facial expressions, and noncommittal grunts.

---