Funny / The Lone Ranger

the radio show

• Pop Hendricks taking the place of a crook during a fake seance and trying to impersonate Julius Caesar. "All Gaul is divided into three parts!" Is the only thing he knows how to say, over and over.

2013 film

• How the story starts? With a very much real and alive old Tonto in a Wild West Fair telling a boy how he and The Lone Ranger were robbing a bank. The boy has to call him out on how The Lone Ranger couldn't possibly be a bandit.

• This line at the end of the film:
  Reid: Hi-Ho Silver, away!
  Beat
  Tonto: Don't ever do that again.
  Reid: Sorry.

• Pretty much anything Silver does is either this or awesome. Like his ability to appear in the most improbable of places.
  Tonto: Something very wrong with that horse....
  • This line is said after Silver shows up in a tree.
  • Tonto's attempt to convince Silver to bring back Reid's brother instead is particularly amusing.

• Anytime Tonto's unreliable narration is pointed out by the kid he's telling it to. Sometimes his past self even breaks the fourth wall by looking back at the camera.

• "You did not speak of her as the wife of your brother." (lewd expression)

• Out of nowhere, Reid gets hit in the shoulder with an arrow, and he gives the most hilariously girly scream imaginable (he's fine, though).

• Tonto's response when Reid asks if he sterilized the stitching needle: "Yes! I make urine on it!" (Cue Reid's scream)

• John trying to coerce Red into talking by stating the health code violations in her brothel.
  • And Tonto taking dictation!

• The fact that Tonto cannot decide whether Silver is stupid or just pretending to be stupid.

• "Horse dead."

• Every time Tonto states that nature is out of balance.

• John's Adorkable question about whether Red's (a brothel) is a dance club.

• "He gonna violate me with a duck foot."

• "Did my name come up?"

• "You hear it, too? I was hoping it was in my head."

• After the dust has settled, the band that was injured at the start of the train chase still has to play, in casts and bandages.

• John picks up a doll that a little girl on his train dropped and playfully tosses it to her...only for the doll to get sucked out the window.

• John's attempt to apprehend Butch gets interrupted by Butch's goons opening the door behind him. Moments later, John is chained up next to Tonto.

• When Tonto wants to make a quick getaway from the train about to crash, John gives him hell for it.
  John: [tugging at their chain] Have you no decency?!

• One of Butch's goons yelling "SHUT UP!" as John and Tonto give alternating answers to his question.

• Tonto citing Dan as a great warrior while John just says "That's my brother."

• Tonto had been hoping the Spirit-walker would be John's brother Dan and is quite disappointed in John being chosen. Consequently, he nicknames John "Kemosabe", which in this movie means "Wrong brother".

• At a point the kid listening to Tonto's story questions how he got the explosives to blow up the bridge. He has to remind him of the first thing he told in the story, which was about him and The Lone Ranger stealing a bank.

Dynamite Comics

• From "Lone Ranger: Vindicated": The Lone Ranger might be a badass lawman and gunfighter but he Cannot Talk to Women, as evidenced when he first meets Fiona Doyle. After their conversation, Tonto points out with a smug grin that he put his hat on backwards.

• Devil's Rope
  • Tonto's fake Uncle Tomfoolery, complete with a wide toothy smile. At one point he dances wildly and eats a pickled scorpion in exchange for some top-shelf whiskey which he uses to bribe one of the villain's servants.
  • The Ranger gives a similar toothy smile to put the ranchers' men at ease before attacking them with a machine gun.
  • Two Texans are appalled when they see Sissy Villain Connor ride into town carrying a lady's parasol. They wonder what's happening to Texas and one of them blames the telegraph.
  • The look on the Ranger's face when Tonto asks the Ranger how he knew the villains wouldn't just shoot them to make sure they were dead. The Ranger answers he knew that Calvin wouldn't want a huge mess in his house right before dinner but you can tell from his expression it's Blatant Lies.
  • After Pringle is robbed, he promises to pay his hired guns by check. One of them raises their hand. "What's a check?"
  • Then Pringle realizes that, having hired an Army of Thieves and Whores, most of his men are wanted and can't even set foot in a bank.
• Butch Cavendish has gained wealth and political connections, but is disgusted by the decadent lifestyle turning him soft so he insults the wealthy politicians and businessmen he's having lunch with along with their wives and leaves.
• Upon his return to Texas, Butch Cavendish declares "I missed you, you hot, flat bitch!"
• From Volume 4: Resolve: After several issues of what appears to be UST between Linda and John, Linda gives an Anguished Declaration of Love and kisses...Tonto.
• Volume 6: Native Ground
  • Beshkno berates Tonto for coddling Kahnaka after he screws up a hunt. Tonto points out that on his first hunt, Beshkno speared his own father's leg.
  • Tonto gives a speech about how every member of the tribe has their duty, before asking someone what they contribute to the tribe. Gilligan Cut to a little boy, who bangs on a toy drum in answer.

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