Funny / The Last Kingdom

Season One

• This exchange between a youthful Brida and Uhtred.
  Brida: You're talking out of your arse.
  Uhtred: I'm sitting on my arse.
  Brida: So your arse is cleverer than you, it can do two things at once!
• Alfred's subtle snark is a pretty constant source of funny moments. For instance, when Aelswith is being particularly bloodthirsty:
  Peace be with you, my dear.
• Aethelwold's Sarcasm Mode repentant speech about lust Crosses the Line Twice, wins a jeering crowd over and gets in a jab at Alfred's own indiscretions, doubling as an awesome moment for him. Made funnier by the big grin he makes as he figures out what to do.
  Aethelwold: Oh, Lord, I am a sinner! I am a sinner, Lord, as big a sinner as you will ever see! I have known women, Lord, lots and lots of women!
  Man in crowd: Lucky bugger!
  Aethelwold: Women of all sizes. The big tits, the small tits. I have squeezed and kissed them all. I have rested my head on the bosoms of beautiful, but bad, bad women, Lord. Forgive me! I have lost count of the number of women I have had, but I know it is exactly half the number of tits I have caressed. Oh, God, I love tits! Send me an angel, Lord!
  Man in crowd: What, so you can hump her?! [the crowd laughes]
  Aethelwold: A... A titless angel to guide me!
  • Beforehand, when Wulfhere explains to Uhtred why Uhtred is doing penance with Aethelwold:
  Wulfhere: What Alfred's wife would like is for me to pull your guts out through your smelly arse!
  Aethelwold: Aelswith is forever inventive.
• Alfred, master of the patriotic pick-up line.
  Alfred: You stand as everything that is precious. You are Wessex, England, always to be cherished, never to be violated. Only to be loved. Vigorously.
• Beocca's advice to Alfred - to give his messages to his messengers personally and clap them on the shoulder - is clearly taken on board, as he does it with Halig and then, hilariously, with a protesting Brother Asser who was there when Beocca gave the advice.
• Beocca gets in a bit of snark at the holier than thou Brother Asser, who's trying to poison Alfred against Uhtred, saying that if Uhtred is as soulless as Asser claims, then he will be Uhtred's soul and be his conduit to God. When Asser replies that following Uhtred around like this will get him killed, Beocca delivers a waspish reply that gets a smirk from Alfred.
  I am sure that with your prayers, Brother Asser, I will be invincible.
• Beocca again, when he insults Skorpa after the latter had tried to shock Uhtred by luridly describing what was happening to Thyra (Iseult had already told Uhtred of this), then essentially says Bring It when Skorpa says that he'll seek him out personally.
  Skorpa: [at Uhtred] Did your witch tell you that your sister is being humped in the arse each and every night by One-Eyed Sven?!
  Beocca: Did your mother tell you she should have kept her legs closed?!
  Skorpa: (seething) I will look for you first across the battlefield!
  Beocca: I will be there and I will not be hard to find!
• Alfred and Beocca's exchange afterwards.
  Alfred: Beocca, you should wash out your mouth.
  Beocca: Yes, Lord, I will... With ale.
  Alfred: *smirks*
• Ubba and Guthrum killing King Edmund. As funny as it was in the books and in history.
  • Edmund's Oh, Crap! expression when the Danes use his own words to trap him.
    Edmund: Uh... Ah... Very well. We shall dispense with the need for the baptisms, the washing. I accept your terms...
    Ubba: But you claim your god is all powerful! I want it proven!
  • Guthrum and Ubba looking towards Uhtred when Edmund starts talking about baptisms.
    Ubba and Guthrum: (look to Uhtred with WTF expressions)
    Uhtred: (looking embarrassed) They put you in a tub of water and pour more water over you.
    Ubba:... They want to wash me?
  • After shooting Edmund, Ubba delivers a funny Ironic Echo to the expiring King refering to the fact that St Sebastien survived the arrows but was then clubbed to death to complete his martyrdom.
    Ubba: Do you still wish to be clubbed, or were the arrows sufficient?
• This exchange when Odda the Elder informs Aethelwold he's being Locked Away in a Monastery to prevent a Succession Crisis after his father's death and Alfred's ascension to the throne of Wessex.
  Odda the Elder: Out of respect for your father, Alfred wants not one hair on your ugly head harmed, but Wessex cannot afford division, certainly not from an idiot child like you!
  Aethelwold: [petulantly] My head is not ugly!
  • Immediately afterwards, when Odda tells Leofric to take Aethelwold away:
  Leofric: Shall I make him docile, lord?
  Odda: I wish you would. [Leofric knocks Aethelwold out]
• Uhtred gradually gains Leofric's respect during their practice skirmishes, receiving a genuine compliment when demonstrating a Danish shield wall. Unfortunately, he happens to be standing in front of it when Leofric gives the order to charge.
• Skorpa stabbing Peredur through the heart as soon as he's finished telling them where the gold is. This right after he gave his word that the Briton would live.
• Uhtred throwing stones at Oswald's kids when their mother sends them in order to shame him into paying their dead father's weregild. The little squeal the kids make lets you know that Uhtred scored a direct hit.
  Uhtred: Their mother sends them, hoping to shame me for killing their lying, theiving father. [Uhtred throws a rock, and there is a yelp of pain in response]
  Leofric: I see it's working.
• When their Duel to the Death gets interrupted by Guthrum's army invading Winchester, Uhtred instinctively goes to punch Leofric when the latter tries to grab him so they're not separated by the panicking crowd, with Leofric having to point out in his usual fashion that they have bigger problems.
  Leofric: The fight is finished, arseling! Run!
• Uhtred's reaction to finding the "priest" he, Leofric and Iseult just saved from Danish raiders is in fact a disguised Alfred.
• The way the show incorporates the legend of Alfred burning the cakes into it is quite funny:
  Iseult: [irritated] You had one job, lord! [reaches into a smoking oven]
  Alfred: Oh dear. Well, I've never cooked before and I fear I never shall again. [Iseult dumps a tray of cakes burnt black on the table and scowls at Alfred ] Are they ruined?
  Leofric: They're done well, lord. A challenge for the teeth and stomach.
  • This exchange before the Battle of Ethandun:
  Aethelwold: Uhtred, I do like you but I am growing tired of your preaching. You ever thought of becoming a priest?
  Uhtred: Ever since I was a boy.
  Beocca: That's a lie. I've baptised him twice, he's still not a Christian.
• Aethelwold's reaction at Ethandun when Uhtred snarks he's first in the battle line like he asked for.

Season Two

• Having been told by her parents they're arranging a marriage for her to strengthen ties with the neighbouring kingdom of Mercia, Aethelflaed is deeply disconcerted when the elderly Lord Ceowulf, ruler of Mercia arrives at Winchester.
  Aethelflaed: Mother, please tell me he's not here as a suitor.
• When Uhtred, Ragnar, Steapa and Hild storm in on Eadred trying to force Gisela into an Arranged Marriage by proxy with Aelfric. When Eadred gleefully remarks that in the eyes of God, Gisela and Aelfric are now man and wife and there is nothing Uhtred can do about it, Ragnar cheerfully snarks from by the door "Make her a widow". Cue a Mass "Oh, Crap!" from Eadred and all his lackies present, particularly the underling of Aelfric's who stood in for him at the wedding.
  Ragnar the Younger: Uhtred, I'm growing bored with this, kill them all!
• Later, Uhtred and Alfred discuss the untimely death of Eadred.
  Alfred: You killed the abbot Eadred.
  Uhtred: He was a weasel, lord.
  Alfred: He was a weasel without a sword. A holy weasel.
• Season 2 shows Aethelwold has not lost his capacity for snarking. Consider the below example during a feast at Wessex where the guest of honour, Lord Ceowulf of Mercia, promptly has a heart attack mid-rant.
  Aelswith: Perhaps a cup of water for the Lord Ceowulf? [Ceowulf promptly expires]
  Aethelwold: [completely deadpan] A hole in the ground might be of more use.
  • Also this retort to him from Beocca just before the siege of Dunholm.
    Aethelwold: This is madness! The rightful king of Wessex helping to avenge the death of a big, hairy Viking! Still, it'll make a good song.
    Beocca: Well if you die in battle here, Aethelwold, I'll make sure they write it!
• Some of Father Pyrlig's snark as a Defiant Captive of Siegfried and Erik is hilarious, particularly after Pyrlig explains to the brothers the mechanics of crucifixion (Sigefried keeps nailing up priests to try and understand how it kills):
  Erik: There, you have your answer. Now take his head off.
  Pyrlig: Agreed, lord. And may I ask you use your sharpest axe and your strongest man?
  Siegfried: You talk too much, priest.
  Pyrlig: I do. You should kill me quickly.
• During the planning for the assault on Lundene to drive out Siegfried and Erik, Uhtred makes a fair few sarcastic quips out of frustration over them ignoring his advice.
  Alfred: There is a gate by the river, is there not?
  Uhtred: [thoroughly fed up of his advice being ignored] Yes, Lord. It's called Ludd Gate.
  Aethelred: Perfect! Silent oars, the cover of darkness-
  Uhtred: [as if talking to idiots] The river runs fast at Ludd Gate, making it impossible to land men safely there. But if the Lord of Mercia believes his men sinking to the bottom of the river is an advantage, by all means, he should attack.
  • Siegfried and Erik get fed up of Aethelred trying to throw his weight around while negotiating Aethelflaed's ransom, so they summon a Giant Mook to knock him out with one punch. Aethelred wakes up butt-naked in a pig pen and has to walk through the camp with only a small piece of cloth to hide his modesty, much to the hilarity of the Danes.
• During the negotiations for Aethelflaed's ransom, Uhtred gets to make a fine snarky comment when Siegfried demands an outrageous price for the Wessex princess's safe return.
  Uhtred: What price do you want?
  Siegfried: Ten thousand pounds' weight of silver, one thousand pounds' weight of gold, to be delivered by Alfred himself.
  Uhtred: Of course. And he shall arrive with a stoat upon his head and an apple in his mouth.
• After a drunken bender in the taverns of Winchester out of disappointment at Alfred's unwillingness to heed his advice, Odda the Elder is somewhat perturbed to wake up the next morning and find himself sleeping between Osferth and Clapa.

Season Three

• Athelred murders a servant after he is informed Aethelflaed has fled. Aldheim looks and sounds like he's utterly done with this idiot.
  Aldheim: Lord, you can not simply execute subjects as you please. This is the ninth century.
  • Shortly after, the mortally wounded man starts gasping from the ground and Aethelred complains to the guy about why he isn't dead yet.
• Beocca gets some hilarious moments in Season 3. In the first episode, where Haesten, now a seeming ally of Alfred, makes one mysognist comment too many about Aethelflaed, who he still has a grudge against, Beocca quickly shuts him down.
  Beocca: Say one more word against the King's daughter, and I'll shove that food so far down your throat, you'll be shitting it out seconds later!
  Uhtred: I've seen him do it. It's a small miracle.
  • After Haesten leaves, Beocca snarks to Uhtred, "May God forgive me, but I'd like to remove that man's head with a blunt axe."
  • After having to deal with the snobbish and ungrateful lord Aethelhelm, Beocca gets in a good Servile Snarker dig.
    Aethelhelm: I can find my way to an alehouse, Father Beocca. You are dismissed.
    Beocca: Of course, lord. [under his breath] And may you choke on your oysters!
    Aethelhelm: What was that?!
    Beocca: [smiling like butter wouldn't melt] Try the oysters, lord. They are a delight.
  • Father Pyrlig, meanwhile, is even more upfront with his dislike of Aethelhelm.
    Aethelhelm: This move to the Palace is long overdue. But it comes at a bad time.
    Pyrlig: Were you busy bedding an alehouse whore?
• While Finan, Sihtric, and Osferth are in a Mexican Standoff with Steapa and the Palace Guards who have come to arrest Uhtred, Hild tells them to stop the pissing contest and walks into the house Uhtred has taken refuge in. When Steapa asks why they're refusing him but allowing Hild inside, Finan admits it's because they're afraid of the Abbess.
• Aethelred's theatrical gasp of horrorwhen Aethelflaed snipes that he doesn't seem too concerned Haesten tried to kill her.
  Aethelred: Is that to your liking?
• After learning how to successfully kill Skade and her curse, Uhtred declares that they will leave to recover Skade. Finan points out that she's in a camp surrounded by more than 2,000 sword-Danes, but Uhtred says it can be done.
  Osferth: How?
  Uhtred: With God's help.
  Aethelflaed: (stares in surprise)
  Uhtred: I'm joking. I've yet to decide.
• When Uhtred and his army are ambushed by Haesten, Haesten offers them a chance to live if they surrender Uhtred to him. Finan makes their thoughts on the matter clear.
  Haesten: Give up Uhtred and the rest of you will live! All I want is the Dane Slayer!
  Finan: What you will get, Haesten is my sword up your hairy arse!
• Beocca and Alfred are discussing Uhtred, where Beocca makes a humorous, and accurate point about how Uhtred will never embrace Christianity.
  Beocca: Lord, I could baptise Uhtred a hundred times and he would find not God, only fish.
• This retort from Beocca to Lord Sigebriht (at Aethelwold's behest) spreading rumours Uhtred is in league with the Danes and plans to assassinate Alfred...
  Beocca: You should not be talking out of your arse, so from now on, Lord, buttocks clenched!
• The looks of genuine amusment on Uhtred, Finan, Sihtric and even Osferth's faces as they watch Father Beocca beat the shit out of a racist, misogynst thug of Aethelwold's who's been harrassing Thyra. They briefly pull him off the man...then let Beocca give the man a bit more of a kicking for good measure.

Season Four

• When Sable tells Uhtred when the two monks sent by Aethelred will arrive at Bebbanburg to get the heart of St.Osberth from Aelfric, Sable tells him Christian holidays as the date, of which Uhtred doesn't know any.
  Sable: They shall arrive at the Day of Ascension.
  Uhtred (having no idea what that is):...
  Sable: Ten days before Pentecost.
  Uhtred (still having no idea):...
  Sable (irritated): Two weeks from now, lord.
• Having been sent into Wales to get an army to support Aethelflaed, during the negotiations, Father Pyrlig keeps giving nervous glances to King Hywel's pet wolfhound...
  Hywel: Do not fear the beast, he's been fed.
  Pyrlig: Does he like strangers?
  Hywel: Only when cooked.
• Ahead of the Battle of Tettenhall, Aethelflaed asks her Welsh allies where her Mercian soldiers are.
  Rhodrhi: I put them under the command of the little bald priest.
  Father Pyrlig: [storming into view] I am not bald! And I'm certainly not little!
• Father Pyrlig asks why Uhtred is reluctant to become Lord and Protector of Mercia
  Pyrlig: Apart from the silver, the power, and saving the woman you love, what is holding you back?
  Uhtred: Giving my loyalty to another Saxon King. I swore to myself I would not do that.
  Pyrlig: I swear I will not drink too much ale and I frequently go back on my word. (takes a gulp from his mug)
  • Later, after Uhtred has accepted Edward's offer to become Lord of Mercia:
    Finan: Finally he can pay us some silver!
    Pyrlig: I very much doubt that.
• After Uhtred gives up the throne of Mercia to Aethelflaed and has to tell his men they're not getting land or silver as they hoped...
  Uhtred: I know you think we lost out on wealth and power, but we have something greater than that-
  Finan: (face buried in his hands) Please do not say our friendship.

Season Five

• Edward's first encounter with Lady Eadgifu of Kent, the woman who will become his third wife, while listening to courtiers petitioning him;
  Edward: [clearly bored] What do you wish to put before the King?
  Eadgifu: I am here to avenge my father's death.
  Edward: [perking up] Well, this should be interesting.
  • Also, before Eadgifu, he refuses to deal with two men who, judging from his reaction, he's had trouble with many times before, bluntly telling them to come back when they've sobered up, and after Eadgifu leaves, his reaction to the next petitioners, a pair of nuns, is just to flatly refuse.
• Cynlaef's reaction to Aethelflaed catching him kissing her daughter. It gets worse when she threatens to send him on a attack against Danish raiders.
• While residing in Eoforwic, Edward and his new wife Eadgifu are woken in the dead of night by a messenger. Edward hastily gets up and gets dressed.
  Eadgifu: My king, whatever's the matter?
  Edward: Prepare for a new attack.
  Eadgifu: The Danes? Or Aethelhelm?
  Edward: Neither. Shorter and more vicious. [cue an Answer Cut to Aelswith standing in the hallway]
• Although it happens in a dark moment, and quickly goes into Tearjerker territory, Uhtred and Brida, during their final confrontation, have a moment that is both Funny and Heartwarming as they realise how much they still care about each other.
  Brida: We can't go back. Everything good we ever had is destroyed. There's nothing left, Uhtred. You're talking out of your arse.
  Uhtred: [smiles wistfully] Now you sound like the girl who I chased through these woods and humped amongst these trees. ( Brida chuckles at this.)
• There is something funny about Uhtred barely paying any attention to Aldhelm and Benedict discussing Aethelhelm plotting with several of Edward's enemies to start a war against England...until Benedict mentions said enemies are all gathered at Bebbanburg, whereupon Uhtred's eyes light up and he becomes a lot more interested in the conversation.
  • Also before that, following Aelfwynn's kidnapping, Aelswith refuses to hire mercenaries to rescue her granddaughter, but Eadith protests her reluctance, arguing what men are going to risk their lives simply for the honour of rescuing a princess...whereupon Uhtred, Finan and Sihtric walk into view.
  Aelswith: And the good Lord provides.
• While infiltrating Bebbanburg, Hild notes that although they've lost Haesten, their enemies don't know they're inside the fortress...at which point Wihtgar, somewhat enraged by Uhtred trying to kill him moments before, angrily starts screaming for Uhtred to come out and face him.
  Finan: Well, we still have the advantage. They do not know you are here.
  Wihtgar: Uhtred! Uhtred!
  Hild: Is that you or some other Uhtred?
• During their escape from Bebbanburg, after killing one of Wihtgar's guards, Hild and Aelfwynn are confronted by more of Wihtgar's men charging towards them. Hild pushes Aelfwynn behind her and raises her sword to fight as the guards...completely ignore both women, running around them in their haste to escape Bebbanburg before Edward's army raze it to the ground. Once the guards are gone, Hild and Aelfwynn are left standing in the corridor with "WTF?" expressions.
• Uhtred's reaction when Aelswith declares she's decided to stay at Bebbanburg for her health, and insists she have a room with a sea view.

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