Funny / The Butcher Bird

Despite hammering in what a Crapsack World One Piece takes place in, this fic is still a One Piece fic, and has its fair share of moments.

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• Early on, Kaneki tries to convince Killer to switch sides and join his crew. Herman just shouts angrily that he can't keep doing that.
• When the crew gets stuck in the Rainbow Mists, Vinci tells the crew to remain calm and that only one or two of them will die.
  • Then when one of the new recruits asks if he is joking, his attention is directed towards the ships rules.
    1. OF ALL PRIZES TAKEN, SCIENTIFIC PAPERS AND EQUIPMENT GO TO THE CAPTAIN, GUNPOWDER WEAPONS AND AMMUNITION TO THE ARMORER, VICTUALS AND PROVISIONS TO THE BOSUN, NAUTICAL CHARTS AND FAMED BLADES TO THE NAVIGATOR, ET CETERA. COINAGE, JEWELRY, AND OTHER SUCH VALUABLES TAKEN SHALL BE DISTRIBUTED TO THE CREW BY THE BOSUN. THE CAPTAIN RECEIVES THREE SHARES, THE FIRST MATE TWO, THE OFFICERS ONE AND ONE HALF.
    2. THE CAPTAIN RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EXPERIMENT ON YOU IF HE SO PLEASES.
    3. KEEP YOUR ARMS AND GEAR WELL-MAINTAINED AND COMBAT READY, OR THE NAVIGATOR AND THE ARMORER WILL QUITE POSSIBLY MURDER/EMASCULATE YOU.
    4. NEGLECT YOUR TRAINING, AND THE FIRST MATE WILL HANDLE YOUR CASE. DO NOT MAKE HIM. WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
    5. DO NOT DISOBEY ORDERS. THE CAPTAIN WILL CONSIDER YOU A TEST SUBJECT IF YOU DO.
    6. BETRAYAL OF THE SHIP OR CREW TO THE MARINES CARRIES PENALTY OF DEATH BY FIRST MATE, OR BY C, WHOEVER IS CLOSEST AND HUNGRIEST.
    7. IF ANY MAN OR WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO FORCE THEMSELVES UPON A CIVILIAN, THE BOSUN WILL RENDER THEM INCAPABLE OF DOING SO EVER AGAIN.
    8. C, DO NOT EAT THE CIVILIANS WITHOUT PERMISSION.
    9. THE HOUNDS ARE NOT FOR ENTERTAINMENT. IF YOU PROVOKE THEM, ANY INJURIES ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
    10. ALL THOSE WISHING TO BECOME SWORDSMEN WILL PRESENT THEMSELVES TO THE NAVIGATOR AFTER EVENING MEAL. HE WILL ATTEMPT TO BEAT THE FOOLISHNESS OUT OF YOU. IF YOU CONTINUE TO WISH TO BE A SWORDSMAN AFTERWARDS, CONGRATULATIONS IN ADVANCE.
    11. IF YOU FIND YOURSELF HUNGERING FOR HUMAN FLESH FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME, SPEAK TO THE CAPTAIN AND THE FIRST MATE, IN THAT ORDER.
    12. IT IS QUITE LIKELY YOU FORFEITED YOUR SOUL UPON JOINING THIS CREW. DEAL WITH IT.
    13. NO, THE CAPTAIN IS NOT JOKING.
• When the Nightmares first meet their alternates, Vinci finds that the Marine version of him is Grigori Lisa.
  Vinci:"Bring me alcohol. Vast quantities. I wish to get very drunk right now."
• During the Crossed Roads arc a Sea King attacks the Nightmares and other groups. It promptly has its head blown off by a barrage of attacks from nearly all parties present, as well as a live chicken.
• The Pirate City arc is loaded with the kinds of silly things and wacky moments one would expect of a One Piece fic.
  • Kaneki asks Six to hit him as hard as he can. Six responds by punching him into a mountain a few miles away.
  • The Oni and goat therapy. Which somehow resulted in them acquiring a building-sized demon goat.
  • While some of the crew are relaxing at a hot spring they learn that their clothes have been stolen by the local tribe of intelligent beer-making monkeys. Kaneki, who had already been forced to go streaking earlier in the arc, decides to get his back in the usual way, which causes the monkeys to promptly return his clothes. When the rest of the present Nightmares call him out for not helping the rest of them, he responds that if they can't handle a group of monkeys then he clearly needs to up their training. Cue a mob of naked men and women running into the forest.
  • The captain of the Knightmare pirates tries to challenge the Nightmare pirates over their similar names, but each messenger he sends gets caught up in the Nightmares antics. The first gets run over by a mob of drunken partygoers, the second gets lost and winds up on a mountain just as Kaneki is launched into it, and the third is trampled by the building-sized Satan-goat the Oni found.
• During the climactic battle of the Warlord Saga, Rear Admiral Gripper squares up against the Nightmare officers, and begins a monologue. C interrupts by using his powers to yank the Rear Admiral back up the elevator shaft:
  C: Bored now. Yeet.
• During the otherwise-horror-filled battle at Ivankinraion Island, there's a bit where Kaneki and his Oni encounter a Marine company led by an officer with a Devil Fruit that lets him control coffee. Kaneki has not had any for several days. It ends with the officer running for his life as Kaneki and the Oni, who are equally addicted, take off in hot pursuit, leaving the rest of the Marines alone.
  Kaneki: GET BACK HERE, COFFEE MAN!
• Among the various horrific monsters that inhabit Prometheus, one of them is Steve the Scrabble-playing miniature giant squid.
• Apparently there was a betting pool among the crew on exactly when Kaneki and Six would resolve their Unresolved Sexual Tension, if ever. Only two people thought they'd do it before reaching Sabaody - and Six was one. The betting pool was into the millions of berries.
• We get this from Archimedes Newsman when he’s introducing a new weapon: “THE SUPERCAVITATING EMULSIFIER! THIS NEW WEAPON SHALL - why is it beeping?”(weapon promptly explodes) “I am okay!”
• A local bandit swaggers into a bar the Nightmares are patronizing. He takes one look at the Nightmare crew, and immediately ducks outside to tell his buddies to leave the weapons outside.
• When Castor and Pollux are preparing to test some new recruits to join them as Vinci’s bodyguards, they explain that their duties also include protecting Vinci from himself, and Vinci’s been left unsupervised for the last 23 minutes. Cue the explosion.

Vinci: BEHOLD THE ULTIMATE BASTARD LIFEFORM! THE WOLVERGOOSE!