Funny / Sweary She-Ra

As an Abridged Series of the already hilarious She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, you're bound to find some amazingly hilarious moments with this blog.

Episode 1: The Bitchin Sword (Part One)

• Glimmer's Establishing Character Moment shows not only her intensity but the author's unique approach to obscenity.
  Angella: I'm told you disobeyed orders and led the Rebellion into a gigantic shitstorm.
  Glimmer: I was trying to protect a motherfucking village from falling into the Horde's grasp.
  Angella: You were reckless and put yourselves and the other rebels in danger.
  Glimmer: Fighting is supposed to be dangerous, you cockwomble. How are we going to hold our own against those Horde knobjockeys if we keep acting like pussies? Pretty soon, there will be fuck all left to defend!
• The next time we see Glimmer, as she's been grounded:
  Glimmer: [writing in her diary] Dear Mom, I know you'll never read this, but I have to say it somewhere: You're being a real bitch. [an arrow flies through the window and lands in the wall right above Glimmer's head] Jesus fuck! [looks out the window to Bow] You almost hit me, you colossal fucktrumpet!
• Bow is seen using a number of Gosh Dang It to Heck!-style euphemisms, before an author's note helpfully informs us that Bow legally cannot swear.
• Bow tries to insist to Adora that Glimmer is not the violent psychopath that Horde propaganda depicts princesses as. Then Glimmer's technology stops working...
  Glimmer: FUCKING THUNDERCUNTING TRACKERPAD! I WILL BEAT THE GAPING SHIT OUT OF YOU IF YOU DON'T FUCKING WORK THIS FUCKING INSTANT!
  [Beat Panel as Bow and Adora watch bemused]
  Author's Note: The important thing is he believes it.

Episode 2: The Bitchin Sword (Part Two)

• Everyone's reaction to Adora becoming She-Ra for the first time:
  Bow: Glimmer...?
  Glimmer: Yeah, I'm seeing whatever the magical fuck that is too.
  Bow: OK, I wanted to make sure it wasn't just me.
  Adora: Huh? [turns back to normal] What the actual, gold-plated, limited edition SHIT just happened to me?
• When Adora assumed Glimmer is behind the She-Ra transformation:
  Glimmer: I did absolute cock all to you, you massive arsebadger!
• Adora tries to communicate with Light Hope to undo the lockdown:
  Adora: Uh... stop it! Cease your shit! Alexa, play the sound of fucking silence!
• This exchange after our heroes escape the cave is priceless, both for Glimmer's bluntness and Adora's Hilariously Abusive Childhood:
  Glimmer: The fuck are you still doing here?
  Adora: What?
  Glimmer: I'm five foot fuck all and Bow's a little bitch. You could have escaped any time. Why didn't you?
  Adora: I just wanna figure out what the shit is going on. I never knew where I came from or who my family was. Shadow Weaver always said "It doesn't matter, stop bothering me while I'm drinking my special juice."
• Shadow Weaver confronts Catra and demands to know where Adora is:

  Catra: For the last fucking time, I don't know! You think I keep her on a leash?
  Shadow Weaver: I don't care what kind of kinky shit you two get up to.

  • Then we find out Shadow Weaver already knows.
    Catra: Then why the fuck did you ask me, you wrinkly old ballsack?
    Shadow Weaver: Because you're the little bastard who's going to bring her back.
    Catra: Yeah... get fucked.
    Shadow Weaver: Your horseshittery will not protect her.
• Bow and Adora's exchange about how the latter doesn't know what parties are is roughly the same as in canon (swearing aside), except this Adora randomly slips into Cockney Rhyming Slang at the last moment.
  Adora: Oh, shit, yeah, parties! Of course... Haven't a fucking Scooby, mate.
• A party guest offers Glimmer a flower crown.
  Glimmer: Piss off with your flowers, wankstain.
• When Bow and Glimmer are fighting off Horde soldiers:

  Glimmer: Behind you, knobgobbler! [teleports to the Horde soldier behind bow and decks him] SPARKLES TO THE FACE, BITCHTITS!

  • They find themselves overwhelmed and decide they need Adora's help:
  Bow: What the testicles are we gonna do?
  Glimmer: There's fuck all we can do. You're almost out of arrows and I've got more shit than magic in me.
  Bow: You can't say that bullplop! You're Glimmer, you throw yourself into every fight, no matter how hopeless.
  Glimmer: Every decision I've made in the past day has gotten us fucked six ways to Sunday. My mom was right. I'm a bitch-ass motherfucker.
  Bow: I don't think those were her exact words. You can do this, Glimmer, and you're not alone.
  Glimmer: You're right, we need the sexy bitch with the sword.
  Bow: Say what now?
• Catra explains why she keeps tasing Adora:
  Adora: Why are you doing this shit to me?
  Catra: Because you fucking left me, assface! Also Shadow Weaver was a bitch and hid the nail clippers, so I am pent the fuck up!
• Glimmer apologizes to Adora... as only she can...
  Adora: Why the fuck did you save me?
  Glimmer: We need you, dicknipples. We need She-Ra. [hands her the sword] I should've given this sharp lil' bitch back to you in the ruin. You could have saved us. But I was a gigantic knobber. I'm sorry.
  Adora: You're not a knobber. Well, not a gigantic one. Besides, I'm a fucking Horde soldier. How do you know you can trust me?
  Glimmer: I don't. But you've got nice tits and that's enough for me.
• When watching She-Ra defeat the Horde soldiers, Glimmer calls it "the sexiest fucking thing I've ever seen." Then a little later...
  Glimmer: You did it, knobgoblin! You saved us!
  Adora: I fucking did it! I turned against the Horde. Oh shit, I turned against the Horde. What the fuck do I do now? Oh God, I'm such a dickhead. Where do I go?
  Glimmer: It's okay, cockwomble. You're with us now. So let's go the fuck home. [she takes Adora's hand and helps her up]
  Adora: Glimmer... why's your hand wet?
  Glimmer: Don't worry about it.

Episode 3: Adora Razzles her Dazzle

• Glimmer's instructions on getting Adora into the castle aren't exactly interpreted as she intended...
  Glimmer: Bow? Maybe you should take Adora in the back way.
  Bow: Shouldn't I at least buy her a drink first?
  Adora: You know I'm extremely fucking gay, right? [cut to Adora climbing up a cliff] Motherfucker! I'd rather do the butt stuff!
• Glimmer's return yields yet another argument with her mother:
  Angella: Glimmer! Where the fuck have you been?
  Glimmer: Oh my God, fuck off Mom!
  Angella: How could you be such a disobedient little shit?
  Glimmer: Stop shouting, I am so fucking hungover. [She collapses in her mother's arms]
  Angella: Glimmer? Jesus Christ, Glimmer! [distant shot of the same area with guards scattered here and there] Yeah, that's it you bunch of wankers. Just stand there while my daughter collapses! You're all fired.
• Glimmer summarizes what happened back at Thaymor:
  Glimmer: Okay, so... Bow and I found some massive fucking First One's tech in the woods which we knew could help the Rebellion fuck some shit up. But we got a tiny bit distracted by this party at Thaymor, and some spunkmonkey was like "hey, short ass, bet you can't do all these shots in 10 seconds." Anyway, long story short. Bow almost got murdered, I got alcohol poisoning and we found something that will blow your tits clean off.
• Bow levels with Adora regarding how badly things would go if everyone finds out she was with the Horde:

  Adora: Okay, so I'm guessing the people of Bright Moon would fuck up any Horde soldier on sight?
  Bow: I mean, maybe? You're not exactly popular. How attached are you to your intestines?
  Adora: Fucking very?

  • Then Glimmer bursts in...
    Glimmer: [teleports in] WHAT'S UP, JIZZMUFFINS!
    Bow: HOLY SHEEP!
    Glimmer: My Mom's on her way, but don't panic.
    Adora: What the shit?
    Glimmer: WHAT DID I LITERALLY JUST SAY, SHITGIBBON? Don't worry, she'll fucking love you. All you need to do is be a hot giant sword lady.
    Bow: Wait, we're gonna jump all the way to freaking She-Ra? Are you sure?
    Glimmer: Yeah, Mom would lose her shit if I was like "hey, I got ratarsed and brought home a Horde Soldier.
    Adora: Well shit... I don't know if I can just turn on She-Ra.
    Glimmer: [with a limp wrist and a coy smile] I bet I fucking could.
• Adora looks out a window and freaks out over seeing a horse...

  Holy shit a horse!

  • Then she goes outside and freaks out again...
  Holy shit, the same horse!
  • Then when she accidentally transforms the horse instead of herself...
  Holy shit, the horse!
• Adora's cover is blown:

  Civilian 1: Is that a goddamn Horde soldier?
  Civilian 2: Stab the motherfucker!
  Adora: No, don't stab the motherfucker! The motherfucker does not want to be stabbed! I'm not with the Horde! Some hologram gave me a bitchin' sword and now I'm gay! I mean 'good.' Now I'm good. I've always been a massive fuck-off lesbian.

  • Fortunately, she manages to escape...
    That's it, run the fuck away! You're lucky none of us know how to climb down this small cliff!
• Glimmer and Bow are leading Angella to where they think Adora is:
  Angella: For the last goddamn time, Glimmer, what the fuck is this surprise? If you've set fire to everything again, I swear to fuck you're getting grounded until you're 40.
  Glimmer: That only happened because I was off my tits, and Bow's eyebrows grew back anyway. You don't have to keep bringing it up, you fanny. Bow? Can you go and check if the definitely-not-on-fire surprise is ready?
  Bow: [winks and does a finger-gun] Sure can, Superman! [heads off]
  Angella: [smiling pleasantly] You two should bang.
  Glimmer: [looking flustered despite herself] What the shit, Mom?
• Lonnie, when reporting to the other Horde soldiers, described She-Ra as "twelve feet tall, buff as hell, and thighs that I would fucking thank her for crushing my head with."
• Madame Razz makes her debut:
  Madame Razz: If you're spying on me, bitches are gonna fuck you up. And guess what? Madame Razz is bitches!
  Adora: Please don't fuck me up, old lady. I'm just looking for a horse. Oh, and running from an angry mob.
  Madame Razz: Mara? Have you been off shagging that hologram again? Anyway, don't just stand there like a cunt, come in.
  Adora: Sorry, WHAT the fuck did you say I was doing with a hologram?
• It turns out Madame Razz's confusion this time around is due less to her being a Non-Linear Character and more for... other reasons...
  Adora: I have never seen you before in my entire fucking life.
  Madame Razz: Ohhh, you're the other one. The cat fucker. Madame Razz gets confused, like... what time is it, anyway?
  Adora: Are you... are you high right now?
  Madame Razz: Yes! Madame Razz just ate three of her special pies and is tripping balls.
  Adora: OK, so how long have you been out here alone getting shitfaced on hallucinogenic berries?
  Madame Razz: I'm not alone, you silly bint. I've got Broom! And Loo-Kee. And Uncle Carl. And Her Royal Highness Queen Victoria. And fucking Skrillex.
  Adora: Fuck, I gotta try some of those berries.
• Shadow Weaver confronts Catra again:
  Shadow Weaver: CATRA!
  Catra: The fuck do you want, Poundland Voldemort?
  Shadow Weaver: Oh shut up, at least I'm not a fucking furry. So show a bit more goddamn respect, you little shit.
  Catra: I did exactly what you told me to, you stupid bitch. You didn't warn us about motherfucking Princesses!
  Shadow Weaver: I gave you ONE simple fucking task: bring Adora back. But I see no fucking Adora anywhere.
  Catra: Newsflash, dickhead. Adora doesn't want to come back. She buggered off, and I'm starting to think she had the right idea. So how about YOU show a little goddamn respect to ME, you saggy old cunt.
  Shadow Weaver: ENOUGH! I want to speak to your manager right the fuck now!
• Adora hears neighing in the distance:
  Adora: HOLY SHIT A HORSE!
  Madame Razz: That girl fucking loves horses.
• When She-Ra rescues Swift Wind from the Horde:
  She glows! Get her!
• Swift Wind helps She-Ra and Madame Razz by ambushing the last remaining Horde soldier:
  HOLY SHIT A HORSE!
• Adora slices the Horde commander's cannon clean off with her sword:
  Adora: Oh no you don't, dickhead!
  Horde Commander: Circumcise my cannon all you want, it still works!
  Adora: Well, fuck. [gets blasted]
• Adora wakes up sometime later back at Madame Razz's place:

  Madame Razz: Hello, dearie.
  Adora: HOLY SHIT A HORSE!
  Madame Razz: Swift Wind and I were talking whilst you were asleep. He says thanks for saving his ass.
  Adora: Fucking Swift Wind? Seriously?
  Madame Razz: Yes, dickhead. His name is not 'Holy Shit A Horse.'

  • Then Adora realizes she needs to get back to Bright Moon ASAP
    Adora: Also I gotta get my ass back to Bright Moon. Can you call me a cab?
    Madame Razz: You're a cab, dearie.
    Adora: [to Swift Wind] I'm so glad you can't fucking talk.
• Queen Angella is chewing out Glimmer for bringing Adora to Bright Moon:
  Angella: Letting a motherfucking HORDE SOLDIER into Bright Moon? You colossal twat!
  Bow: Your majesty, it's not all Glimmer's fault.
  Angella: Bow, you are an angel who has never done anything wrong in his life. Don't cover for her.
• After introducing herself as She-Ra, Adora turns back into her normal form. The crowd's reaction?
  Holy fuck, she can transform into an asshole.
• Adora pleads her case to Angella:
  Adora: I know you probably hate me, but look how fucking bitchin' this sword is. Also, did you know the Horde was bad? Somebody should fight that bullshit!
  Angella: You're right, it is bitchin'. Are you SURE this is the right She-Ra, Glimmer? She seems a bit...
  Adora: Like a gay disaster? I get that a lot.
  Angella: Legends foretold that in the hour of our greatest need, a raging lesbian would appear. They said she would bring balance to Etheria through the power of flannel shirts or some shit like that. But your shirt is a motherfucking Horde uniform.
  Adora: I will get a new shirt, I promise.
  Angella: Eh, fuck it, what have we got to lose? Welcome to Bright Moon, She-Ra: Princess of Lesbians.
• We finally meet this version of Hordak... who happens to be an incomprehensible Geordie in this version...
  Shadow Weaver: Lord Hordak, I brought you some fucking trash. [shows him Catra] I gave her one simple damn task. Bring back her own fucking wife! But it all went tits up.
  Hordak: Howay man woman man, yer tellin us yer doon a Force Captain, like?
  Shadow Weaver: Technically yes. But we'll get that little blonde bitch back, don't you worry.
  Hordak: Nah ye won't. Give iz another one and gan git yersell back ta fightin' the Rebellion.
  Shadow Weaver: What? Do I have to see YOUR fucking manager too?
  • Even better- the author canonizes a fan conjecture was that the reason Hordak was considered defective was because Horde Prime couldn't get rid of that accent.

Episode 4: Sex, Drugs, and Cinnamon Rolls

• Glimmer and Adora discuss Adora's new life in Bright Moon:
  Glimmer: Holy shit, I can't believe my mom didn't execute you.
  Adora: Wait, that was a possibility?
  Glimmer: Anyway, so you've seen the throne room, the armory, the sex dungeon and the dining room. Now hold onto your tits, spunk junkyard, it's time to see your new bedroom! [throws open the doors] Fuck yeah! You get all the standard Bright Moon crap here. [gestures toward dresser] Dildo drawer... [toward bubble-filled bathtub] Someone's leftover bathwater... [toward a weird bauble hanging from the ceiling] Whatever the fuck that thing is... [towards an indoor waterfall] And the outlet pipe from the upstairs bathroom.
  Adora: Sorry, is that a LITERAL SHOWER OF PISS?
  Glimmer: Okay, you kinky fucker, I won't judge. "Shower" of piss, damn! Anyway, arsecarnival, I'm off to bed. If you get lonely in the night and wanna get glitter in places you didn't know you had, you know where I am.
  Adora: Dude, I'm fucking married!
• Adora "killing the bed" is even funnier than in canon.
  Adora: [elbow-drops the bed] I am gonna beat the fuck out of this bed. [pounds it with her fists] Ha! Who's a little bitch now, bed? [feathers explode everywhere] Oh God, I'M the little bitch.
  • Then she runs into Angella...
    Adora: Fuck me! I mean... hi! I mean... good evening, mommy. Uh, Glimmer's mommy. Mom. Hi. Hi I'm Adora and I don't have parent issues. So, what the fuck are you doing up at this time of night, Mom?
    Angella: [looking at the mural of King Micah] I come here if I've had a real fucker of a day.
    Adora: Who the hell's the guy without the face?
    Angella: That fine piece of ass is my husband, King Micah. Some Horde bastards killed him.
    Adora: Sorry, mom.
    Angella: Adora, Glimmer thinks you can help us. She also fancies the shit out of you and wants to get in your pants, so she might be a little bi....ased. She might be a little biased. Either way, if you fuck up, I will shove this fist so far up your ass you'll be tasting my nail polish.
• Glimmer wakes up to see Adora in bed with her:

  Glimmer: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...
  ...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...
  ...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...
  ...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING HELL ADORA!
  Adora: Is that really how you say good morning here?

  • Their conversation afterward is noteworthy:
    Adora: I couldn't sleep without my wife. She's so warm and fuzzy and I miss the tits off her. Also I spoke to your mom and she hates me. I think. It was a fucking weird conversation.
    Glimmer: Dude, what the shit? She thinks you're the best thing since sliced God.
    Adora: You didn't hear where she was going to put her fist if I fucked up.
    Glimmer: Look, I know she can be a humongous vag-badger sometimes. But she does like you. Besides, she invited you to the fuckin' Rebellion meeting today. She wouldn't have done that if she hated you. Unless she's planning to publicly humiliate you. You know, point out that motherfucking cliff face of a forehead and your mom issues. Or your shitty taste in women.
• Adora sits in a certain chair at the roundtable, but the horrified reactions here are for a much different reason than in canon.
  Angella: Do NOT sit there, Adora.
  Glimmer: Sorry she's being a wankbadger, Mom. I haven't told her about the chair yet. So last week I got absolutely fucking plastered and threw up on it. I tried my best to clean it up but the chair still smells weird.
  Angella: Nobody is to sit in the puke chair until we have it properly cleaned.
  • According to the author, there's more to the story than that:
    I like to think Glimmer got really drunk and tried to hold a meeting. She made a load of noise to wake everyone up at like 2am and proceeded to assemble them in the war room to challenge them all to a fight
• Angella and one of her guards explain why Perfuma needs their help:
  Angella: She's asked for our help because launching flowers at armed soldiers isn't doing shit. Who could have fucking guessed? Anyway, I think Juliet has something to say.
  Juliet: I certainly do, babe - uh, I mean, your majesty. Perfuma's distress call came from here. [points to map] Her exact words were "I am too high to deal with this crap." She then rambled about trees for an hour and asked us for snacks. Mainly pickles for some reason.
  • Then Glimmer demonstrates exactly why she's not the one in charge.
    Glimmer: Hold the fuck up, I have a better idea.
    Angella: Glimmer, your last five ideas have all been war crimes.
    Glimmer: Is it a war crime to capture a soldier and shove a fist full of sparkles down their throat until they can barely breathe and agree to leave us alone?
    Angella: That is literally torture, Glimmer. And very fucking disturbing that your mind went there.
  • Adora — once again addressing Angella as "Mom" — then promises to lead Bow and Glimmer into the battle to save Perfuma. Angella just has one request:
    Angella: Do you promise to stop my daughter from breaking the Geneva Convention?
    Adora: Okay, even She-Ra isn't that fucking powerful.
    Angella: What was that, Adora?
    Adora: Nothing, Mom.
• Catra shows off her Force Captain badge to the others.
  Kyle: I can only see this going bad for me, but congratulations anyway, Catra!
  Catra: I practically OWN you bastards now. [Shadow Weaver teleports behind Catra who remains oblivious] And soon I will make Shadow Weaver my bitch too. Just watch me shove that fucking Black Garnet right up her wrinkly ass.
  [Beat Panel as Lonnie and Rogelio stare silently in horror]
  Catra: She's Right Behind Me, isn't she?
  • Catra gets over the shock quickly, though...
    Catra: What do you want now, Darth Maul's ugly sister? Ooh, have you come to tell me you've got a horrible disease and only a week to live?
• When finding their way through the woods, Bow and Glimmer see She-Ra lifting a cart over her head with zero effort. Glimmer loudly announces that she needs to change her underwear.
  Glimmer: Are you gonna be She-Ra the whole time we're here, mingeflinger?
  Adora: Fuck yeah! She-Ra is bitchin'. And don't act like you're not going to be thinking about me in bed tonight.
  Glimmer: [flustered] Accurate.
  Bow: If you two are done flirting, something is on fire over there.
• Glimmer introduces herself to Perfuma thusly:
  Glimmer: Lord High Commander of Bright Moon, Protector of Princesses, Fucker-Up of the Horde. [Perfuma gives her a bouquet] I don't want flowers, I wanna fuck up Horde soldiers.
• Perfuma sees She-Ra for the first time and is so enthralled that her dialogue becomes an unpronounceable key-mash. Then when She-Ra talks to her, Perfuma's background becomes the Windows Blue Screen of Death.
• A little child latches onto She-Ra's arm. How does our hero respond?
  Adora: What the fuck is this thing? Jesus Christ get it away from me! Glimmer? I'm being attacked by some kind of small animal. Help!

Episode 5: Mermista? I Didn’t Even Hear Her Mer-Ring the Doorbell

• The blog takes a mondegreen of Sea Hawk's shanty ("I'm Sea Hawk, I am, I am...") and runs with it:
  Sea Hawk: Ohhhh, I'm Sea Hawk
  A yam, a yam.
  Want to eat some sweet potato then I am your man.
  You can have them mashed or put them in a stew
  Confused about these tubers? Then I got you!
  Some say add in spices, but I'm not a fan!
  Fear not, dinner's sorted. I'm Sea Hawk, a yam, a yam!
  Glimmer: What in the everloving fuck was that?

Episode 7: Most-Erratic Stressed Adora

• Adora has a very suggestive-sounding dream:
  Adora: [in her sleep] Oh, Catra, you're doing so good, baby. That's it, get nice and wet for me. You're almost there, so close. Just a little... Yes! Yes! You got through shower time, I'm so proud of you. [wakes up] What the fuck kind of dream was that?
• Castaspella greeting the squad as they arrive for Adora's therapy session:
  Glimmer: Hey, mingeringer.
  Castaspella: I haven't seen you in so long! Not since the day we set fire to the kitchen at Bright Moon. And Bow! How's it going with getting into her pants? And this must be your new girlfriend, you sneaky little pisswizard!
  Glimmer: Oh, no no no, she's not my girlfriend. I think my texts got hacked and someone told you she was. Definitely not me. That would be weird... Anyway, titwdiget, let's not dwell on things I totally didn't say. This is Adora, your new patient!
  Adora: Hi Mom!
  Castaspella: Fuck me, I've got a lot of work to do.
  • Castaspella doesn't seem to buy Glimmer's denial.
    Castaspella: I'm glad Glimmer's keeping her options open. Bow is lovely, but sometimes you've just gotta get a woman in to do the job.
    Glimmer: For the love of fuck, stop talking.
    Castaspella: Nonsense! Adora knows what I'm talking about, right, fannypaddler? This one even smells gay, Glimmer!

Episode 9: None Princess With Left Behind

• In the original show, Bow only humours Kyle's attempts to make conversation to distract him from the Princesses' rescue attempt. In the blog, Kyle manages to get his undivided attention:
  Kyle: And then Lonnie tells ME to clean the toilets, and I'm like "what the fuck", but I do it anyway.
  Bow: [looking very bored] Sounds rough, buddy.
  Kyle: But, like, there was this one time I had a dream about Lord Hordak, and it was SO confusing.
  Bow: It happens, dude.
  Kyle: Like... he's all menacing and scary, but he fucking rocked this ballgown. I was really into it.
  Bow: I'm sorry, WHAT?!
  [...]
  Kyle: And now I'm wondering, do I tell Rogellio? Would that make him jealous?
  Bow: Oh, boy, Adora's gonna owe me one for this... I'll help you figure it out, but first you've got to tell me what sort of dream it was.
  Kyle: Uh, it was a really weird one. We were at this super swanky party together. I'm in a tux, and then Hordak descends the stairs in a stunning black gown and asks me to dance.
  Bow: That is... a lot less graphic than I feared.
  Kyle: He was handsy, Bow! REALLY handsy! And I loved every second.