It's a story starring Peter Parker and Kate Bishop, two of the most endearingly awkward characters in the MCU, and centered on their polyamorous relationship. Obviously it's full of hilarity.
- In Chapter Two, Karen, Peter's suit AI in a brand new nanotech body, goes to see Dr. Strange about the spell that erased all information about Peter Parker. The header note for the chapter summarizes it thus: "Karen speaks to the manager."
- Karen meets Strange, who's covered in Deep One guts, and insists on attending to that first. Karen helps by dissolving into nanobots to clean him up. Seems even Karen’s patience is running thin.He was encased before he could scream however, and by the time the wave receded he was feeling thoroughly traumatized and violated and… dry.
- After Eleanor Bishop rams Wilson Fisk into a toy store with a car, Spidey goes to check on him.Spidey: Uh, dude? Are you dead?
(Fisk grabs Peter's head in "a pair of gorilla sized hands")
Spidey: Not dead not dead! - Peter and Kate really are a perfect team, as they demonstrate against Kingpin:Kate: I have an idea, can you keep him still?
Peter: For a few seconds probably. Is it a good idea?
Kate: Probably a really stupid one!
Peter: Works for me, just say when!
Kate: Now! - It's in the middle of a very serious conversation (Spider-Man got blown up in a fire), but this interplay between Peter and Yelena is so them it's still quite amusing.Yelena: Do you wish to die, Peter Parker?
Peter: Are you asking or threatening?
Yelena: Pick one. - Alexei showing up unannounced at Yelena’s apartment, and proving he is actively resistant to change, still the same clueless doofus he was in Black Widow.
- First, to Yelena’s mortification, he talks to Kate about how Yelena was "gushing" about her over Christmas dinner.
- He's confused then flustered when Yelena introduces Peter as a "potential third." He wants to give Peter some Twerp Sweating, but Yelena won't allow it, and he offends Kate by saying he doesn't need to do so to her because she's a woman.
- Then Alexei says he's in town tracking a potential recruit for a "Soviet super team." Ignoring the fact that the Soviet Union hasn't existed for two decades, there's his idea for a team name: The Revengers. He's annoyed when Peter tells him it's taken.
- The group figure the "hunter" Alexei is after is the same one after Peter, so they ask Alexei for everything he knows. Alexei agrees. . . if Peter will arm wrestle him. Alexei says he wants to "take measure of his manhood!" and the group tries to ignore his poor choice of phrasing.
- When Peter beats Alexei at arm-wrestling, so thoroughly Alexei is thrown to the floor and Yelena’s table is broken, Yelena surprises everyone by glomping Peter and kissing him ferociously.Yelena: It appears I may have what you Americans call… daddy issues.
- Alexei thinks this is great, congratulating Yelena for dating a super-soldier, just like her mother. Yelkena looks a bit ill at the idea of dating anyone even remotely like Alexei.
- Finally, when Kraven attacks, Alexei spends the whole fight in the bathroom squeezing back into his Red Guardian costume, missing the whole thing.
- For their first date, Peter picks his favorite burger place. He loves the burgers there, Yelena quickly sees his point, but Kate is a bit more hesitant. Yelena describes Kate as "high-class lady" with "special needs," embarrassing Kate relentlessly. Then Yelena cuts up Kate’s burger and tries feeding her a bite.Kate: We are in public…
Yelena: And?
Kate: And it’s embarrassing! What if someone sees? Also I’m not a baby!
Yelena: You could be my baby.
Peter: Damn, that was pretty smooth.
Yelena: It was very good yes?
Kate: Don’t encourage her! - Yelena debating on if she wants to be in a throuple with Peter and Kate:Yelena: Hmm, let’s see… a pretty young thing…
Kate: (bashfully) Hey…
Yelena: …and a rich girl…
Kate: HEY! - Kate tries to convince Peter to let her help him financially, since she’s rich.Peter: Kate. I like you, I really do, but I don’t think my pride could handle having a sugar mommy right now… (blushing) N-no matter how sweet you may be.
Kate: (also blushing) O-oh… okay.
Yelena: (holding out her hand for a fist bump) Shaky delivery but well played all the same.
Peter: It wasn’t too cheesy?
Yelena: It was cheesiest thing ever but Kate Bishop loves cheese so is fine.
Kate: Kate Bishop is still here you know. - Peter takes Kate out webswinging, they kiss on top of (and falling off of), Avengers Tower. When they get back to Kate’s apartment, they're surprised to find Clint there, and before they can start to explain Yelena decides to make things worse. See, she'd promised Peter a kiss if he didn't drop Kate, and since she returned unharmed, Yelena grabs Peter, dips him, and gives him a big kiss. Clint can only look at the guy who was kissing his protégé now kissing the woman who tried to kill him, and concludes:Clint: I hate this city.
- Yelena, Peter, and Kate have been hauled off to Wakanda under suspicion of murdering Okoye, and defending themselves is made more difficult by Peter trying to keep his identity as Spider-Man under wraps. He finally relents and lets himself be unmasked before the Wakandan royal court, which manages to piss Shuri off even more. She storms up to him, demanding him explain how he doesn't exist.He didn’t know when, how, or even how hard, but one day, Peter Parker was gonna slap Stephen Strange upside the head, and he was going to enjoy it.
- Cuffed to medical beds in Shuri's lab, the throuple start dealing with things.
- First, convincing Peter this isn't his fault.Kate: But do try and keep in mind that I managed to anger a whole ass mafia without you, and Yelena is just a walking collection of trauma.
Yelena: Hey!
Kate: A very cute collection of trauma.
Yelena: Is a little better… - Then, Yelena recommends plotting an escape.Peter: Any ideas?
Yelena: Yes, I will seduce the princess.
Peter and Kate: You’ll what?
Yelena: She is intelligent, but young, emotional, also the only one with key code to release our restraints.
Kate: We’re not confused as to why, we’re confused as to what the fuck!? - After explaining to Yelena why they might not be keen on her seducing someone in front of them:Kate: That’s… not as bad as I thought, but still a bad idea.
Yelena: You think I can’t do it?
Kate: That’s not- Yelena I’m sure you can seduce all the princess’ and princes you want-
Yelena: I only want two.
Peter and Kate: (Stunned Silence)
Yelena: Heh, two in one. Nice. - Then Yelena thinks maybe it would better if Peter seduces the princess.Peter: I’m not comfortable with that.
Kate: Yeah and besides, can you really see Peter seducing someone?
Peter: Hey!
Yelena: He is dating two women.
Kate: Yeah but it wasn’t exactly his idea.
Peter: That’s… fair. Still mean though.
Yelena: What if he did the eyes?
Peter: The what?
Kate: Oh… that might work…
Peter: Wait what do you mean ‘the eyes’?
Kate: Like you don’t know!
Yelena: Do not play dumb Peter Parker.
Peter: I’ll have both of you know I’ve never played dumb in my life… that sounded better in my head.
Kate: You seriously don’t know what we’re talking about?
Yelena: You have like, this thing you do where your eyes get all big and soulful. Like a big handsome puppy dog.
Peter: Uh… what?
Kate: Yeah looking back I think those peepers are kind of fifty percent of the reason I started crushing on you. If you learned to fully control it, I get you could have her wrapped around your finger in like an hour.
Peter: Okay come on! Don’t you think you’re exaggerating?
Shuri: (over loudspeaker in the lab) I don’t know, those things do seem pretty devastating. - And that's how they found out Shuri had been monitoring them the whole time.Yelena: Ah, so I suppose seduction is a moot point now.
Shuri: I mean you can still try if you want, I’m not going to let you out though.
- First, convincing Peter this isn't his fault.
- T'Challa and the Wakandan council decide that the White Tiger amulet has chosen Yelena as its bearer, and T’Challa only asks that, if she uses it in the outside world, she does so honorably and with good judgment. Yelena says Kate and Peter will keep her honorable, but none of them have so far exhibited good judgment.
- After Kate and Yelena give Peter a massage, he gives Yelena a quick kiss.Yelena: What was that?!
Peter: I-sorry I thought the timing was-I should have asked-
Yelena: We give you a whole damn massage and all I get is a tiny little butterfly kiss? I knew Americans were stingy but this is unacceptable.
Peter: O-Oh. Right… can I try again?
Yelena: If you know what’s good for you. - Jessica Jones being confronted with Peter and Kate's relationship, and trying to poke holes in it because a healthy romantic relationship creeps her out. First, she points out that Kate is in Peter's apartment without his permission, but he appreciates her leaving him groceries. Then she points out that Peter brought a strange woman (Jessica) to his apartment when he had every reason to believe Kate wouldn't be there, Kate declares she knows Peter would never cheat on her. Finally, Jessica blurts "Porn!" and explains she saw Peter reading an erotic novel on the subway. It's actually one Kate recommended, and she's excited he's started it. Jessica just can't deal.Jessica: I need a drink.
- Peter and Kate are clinging to the side of a building, investigating clues left behind by a burglar who cut through the window of a penthouse apartment. Jessica, getting impatient, demands to know what they're doing down there. Peter and Kate share a look before simultaneously calling out cheerfully "Just hanging out!"
- The throuple debating Felica's fate. Mental health issues shouldn't be funny, but somehow they are:Kate: She did help with the train. But she did hurt you… and made me miss my first shot in years…
Yelena: Come now Kate Bishop do not let something so petty obscure your judgment.
Kate: You’re just fine because you already put a scratch on her face in return.
Yelena: Well yes but I am hardly the example of healthy behavior.
Kate: That’s… annoyingly accurate. Damn you and your realistic view of your own mentality.
Yelena: My apologies. - Pepper, finding out that Karen is interested in becoming "anatomically correct" for Spider-Man’s benefit, asks that if Karen has any questions regarding sex, to ask Pepper.Karen: Alright… but you know I have access to all the knowledge of the internet right?
Pepper: Yes, that’s what has me worried. - Felicia, staying at Yelena’s while recovering from an injury, work her way into the arrangement. One night, as Peter, Yelena, and Kate are about to go on patrol, Felicia rather teasingly asks if she gets a goodbye kiss. Peter scoops her up and kisses her, passes her to Yelena who kisses her and passes her to Kate, who also kisses her then drops her back on tye couch. As the three head off, Felicia yells after them "THAT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!"
- Jessica reunites with Luke and Danny, who are also meeting the Spider-Harem for the first time. First, upon being introduced to White Tiger, Black Cat, and Shuri’s Panther drone, Luke notes they have a thing for cats. Then Jessica arrives, dismissing the pleasantries.Danny: I see you’ve hardly changed.
Jessica: And you’re still annoying as ever so I guess we’re—goddamnit.
(Yelena sneaks up behind Jessica, lifting her up with a bear hug)
Yelena: Jess! Why didn’t you tell me you were part of a superhero club?
Jessica: Because I’m not! Now let me down damn it! Seriously, fuck your magic tiger strength bullshit!
(Yelena puts her down, Luke and Danny watch, stunned)
Jessica: What?
Danny: You’re not going to kill her?
Jessica: (sighing in defeat) No. she’s my… friend I guess…
Yelena: Best friend.
Jessica: Baby steps.
Luke: Shit, I guess I really have seen everything.
Jessica: Fuck you.
Luke: Ah there she is.- Then Daredevil arrives, and Jessica interrupts his "We're facing a grave threat" monologue by throwing things at his head, calling him out for not letting them know he was okay. And she calls him "Murdock," which lets Spider-Man peice together that this is his one-time lawyer, Matt Murdock. Nice to see the enforced outing shoe on the other foot.
- Daredevil mentions interrogating someone to get intel, Yelena is annoyed that Daredevil gets to interrogate people but she doesn't.Peter: Please don’t take this the wrong way: I worry less for the criminals a man dressed as the literal Devil interrogates than anyone you get your hands on.
Yelena: (fanning herself dramatically) Oh милый, you Always do know what to say! (to Jessica) Didn’t I tell you?
Jessica: (taking a drink from her flask) I do my absolute best to forget everything you tell me about him.
Yelena: Oh I know! Then I get to tell you all over again!
(Jessica takes another drink) - Yelena, Felicia, and Shuri’s panther drone are going to take an Air-Vent Passageway into a bad guys hideout. Peter decides they need a team name.Kate: I got it! Pussy Patrol!”
(boos and groans)
Yelena: Very well Kate Bishop. Pussy Patrol it is.
Felicia: Do I get a say in this?
Yelena: Of course Pussycat, you say yes ma’am.
Felicia: I… (giving up) …Yes ma’am.
Yelena: Good girl.
(after they've left)
Luke: So that Felicia and Yelena, they’re…
Jessica: Don’t fucking ask.
Danny: I admit I’ve been curious as well. Daredevil?
Matt: I have enhanced senses. I can smell exactly what’s going on and trust me, we don’t have time to go over it. Focus on the mission.
Peter: Smell? Really?
Matt: Really.
