Funny / Speed

• After the elevator falls near the beginning of the film. The young executive demonstrates how unhelpful he can be.
  Young Exec: Jesus. Bob, what button did you push?
• Don't you just love the pop quiz about hostages?
  Harry: All right, pop quiz. Airport, gunman with one hostage. He's using her for cover; he's almost to a plane. You're a hundred feet away... Jack?
  Jack: Shoot the hostage.
  Harry: What.
  Jack: Shoot the Hostage. Take her out of the equation. Go for the good wound and he can't make it to the plane with her - clear shot.
  Harry: You're deeply nuts.
  • OTOH, this is how he comes up with the crazy idea of using a safety cable to secure the elevator while they evacuate it. Crazy Enough to Work.
  • Then Harry tells Jack to employ said strategy when he's taken hostage by Payne. As Harry crumples in pain (and Payne drops him due to the dead weight), Harry glares at Jack and gives an annoyed "You fuck!", while Jack just shrugs.
• Watching the cops being completely shit-faced after the awards ceremony, especially Harry.
  • Leading to this lovely discussion about what they are going to do when they get home after the party:
    Harry:(drunk) Well, I'm gonna go home, have some sex.
    Jack: Harry, you're gonna go home and puke.
    Harry: Well that'll be fun too.
  • The toast to Jack and Harry beforehand is wonderful:
  McMahon: Here's to Harry. For his quick thinking, his grace under pressure, and his brave and selfless act.
  All: Here, here.
  McMahon: And here is to Jack... for shooting Harry! Something we've all wanted to do for a very long time!
• Harry telling Jack to check the dashboard and the pedals for any signs of the device. This forces him to kneel down close to Annie, who's wearing a skirt, and is visibly uncomfortable as Jack tells Harry that that area is clean.
• Jack spots the explosive device, it's huge of course. Plus, the gold watch. He gets really pissed about it and swears. Meanwhile, the tourist relaying his observations by cellphone tries to be more "polite".
  Jack: Fuck me!
  Stephens: ...Oh, darn.
• Maurice, poor poor Maurice.
  Jack: STOP! L.A.P.D! Get out of the car!
  Maurice: Hey man, this is MY car, I OWN this car, it's NOT stolen.
  Jack (pulling a gun on him): It is now. Move over.
  Maurice: FUCK!
  • As Jack races to catch up with the bus:
  Maurice: Shit shit shit shit! Don't tear up my car, a'ight? Slow down just a BIT, we don't have to go so fast, do we (near miss)- whoa! That was a nice move man.
  • And then when Jack asks him if his car is insured - immediately before smashing it against the bus to break the door off.
  • Also, when Jack is calling to the driver that he has a bomb on his bus. Maurice tries to help by calling to the driver a little louder. Until he realizes exactly what Jack just said.
  Maurice: (standing) There's a— WHAT! Shit! (sits back down)
• Practically anytime Jack and Howard trade dialog would count, due to both of them being deadpan snarkers. Such as the scene where Jack tells him that the bus driver's been shot:
  Howard: (deadpan) "Jack... tell me you haven't been shooting the passengers. I thought cops were supposed to, y'know, shoot the badguy."
• This exchange:
  Jack: You're crazy! You're fuckin' crazy!
  Howard Payne: NO! Poor people are crazy, Jack. I'm eccentric.
  • Also, Howard attempting to calm / comfort Annie on the train — who at the end of what's already been a pretty long day now has a bomb strapped to her, has witnessed someone get shot to death right in front of her and is consequently hysterical with fear and crying uncontrollably — with a third rate understanding of feminism: "Hey, buckeroo! It's not because you're a woman."
  • And then he briefly tries to explain how the bomb works and how it's not going to hurt Annie when it goes off, to her utter confusion.
  • Payne's freakout after his money is destroyed by the dye pack.
  Payne: YOU BASTAAAAAAAARRD!! I'M COMING FOR YOU, JACK!! GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
• Payne is watching the news coverage of the mayhem he has invoked:
  Reporter: The other people in jeopardy are the passengers of the bus, held hostage at the whim of a madman.
  Payne: "The whim of a madman!" [chuckles] I like that!
• After Annie is put in the driver's seat:
  Annie: I have to tell you I'm taking the bus because I got my license revoked.
  Jack: What for?
  Annie: Speeding.
  (The irony invokes a weary chuckle from Jack).
• When the passengers are getting ready for the Camera Spoofing:
  Jack: Remember, no sudden movements. Just look whipped.
  Ortiz: That ain't gonna be too hard.
• After Payne activates a bomb that kills Helen at the doorway after she tries to follow the injured driver off the bus and the news station he's watching reports it immediately:
  Payne: Interactive TV, Jack! Wave of the future! Ha ha HA! Huh!?
• This exchange, after Jack has gotten on the bus:
  McMahon: We just got a ransom demand from your dead terrorist. Says he's rigged a city bus. Where's Jack?
  Harry: Where do you think?
• Annie freaks out when she accidentally hits a baby carriage, that's actually filled with beer cans.
• A brief one, in a deleted scene, has Annie asking Jack if they taught him how to talk nice to crying hostages in cop school. He replies to her that it's trying to tie the square knots and how to build fires.
• The commentary from Mark Gordon and Graham Yost is an absolute blast, as neither of them take their work remotely seriously and delight in pointing out the film's various plot holes. By the end, Yost actually seems genuinely angry at how little sense his own story makes.
• When Jack and Howard are fighting atop the subway train:
  Howard: I'm smarter than you, Jack! I'm smarter! I'm smarter!
  (Jack sees a hanging light approaching and forces Howard into its path. Howard looks up and screams before the light decapitates him)
  Jack: Yeah? Well, I'm TALLER!
• After Jack gets off the bus at LAX:
  Ortiz: I'm telling ya, honey, he's somewhere jerking off.
  Annie: He didn't have to get ON the bus in the first place, Ortiz. Hey, get your ass behind the yellow line!