Funny / Spectrum Pulse

Album Reviews

• The closing lines of The Chainsmokers' "Collage" EP review:
  "Yeah, there are a few catchy moments, but do you know what else is catchy? Gonorrhea! And from everything The Chainsmokers have said and done over the past few years, they sound plenty acquainted with that."
• When reviewing SremmLife 2, Mark comments that Swae Lee's falsetto can be weaponized against ISIS.
• From his review of "The Click" by AJR, he suggests that the song "Bud Like You" might as well be a commercial jingle for Bud Light Lime, except that if it was ever present to a marketing director, he'd make everyone in the corporate office commit seppuku.
  • He describes the backing vocals on "Call My Dad" as a cross between Pat Monahan at his most punchable, several dying cats and a bad crooner on pain medication attempting to sound like a child choir.
• The entirety of the Wendy's "We Beefin'?" album/meme review.
• From Ep 5 of The Trailing Edge: Mark's take on the album cover of "America" by 30 Seconds To Mars (pictured above).
• From his review of Justin Bieber's "Changes", on a 2020 episode of On The Pulse:
  "Because it’s not like he’s innovating or chasing a new sound on this project - the title is a complete misnomer because if I want to hear a bunch of Drake’s rejects from 2018 with phoned in guest verses… hell, I’d probably just go back to listen to Scorpion and then shoot myself!"

Billboard Breakdown

• In a special nod to The Needle Drop, Mark did his own 'meme review' of "Pen-Pineapple-Apple-Pen" on the October 26, 2016 edition of Billboard Breakdown (skip to 9.38). Similarly, he reviewed the meme of "Baby Shark" when it debuted in the top 40 in the January 12, 2019 episode. (skip to 24:11)
• This comment about Rae Sremmurd's "Swang" on the January 7th 2017 episode of Billboard Breakdown
  "Swae Lee trying to hop into a falsetto I'm fairly certain is barred by the Geneva Convention as torture."
• When another meme song in the form of "Cash Me Outside" charted, viewers were looking forward to another meme review. What we got instead:
  Mark: ...what? I'm sorry, are you waiting for another meme review to dig into this? You want me to cover a forced normie meme that reeks of redneck gawking derived from above all else a cringe-worthy snippet from Dr. Phil?
• In the April 08 2017 episode during the More Life album bomb, upon finding out Drake didn't give credit to Skepta/Sampha in any of the songs they were featured.
  Mark: Hey Drake, as a fellow Canadian in Toronto I'm going to say this as politely as possible: FUCK YOU!
• Describing the riff of "Mi Gente" as the warbling of a castrated alpaca on July 22, 2017 episode.
• In the Jan 13 2018 episode of Billboard Breakdown, he described the collaboration between Bruno Mars and Cardi B on "Finesse" as the kind that "probably gives label executives erections you can see from space".
• In the April 14, 2018 episode of Billboard Breakdown, on "Be Careful" by Cardi B:
  "Where she cusses out some unnamed guy, *cough* Offset, sorry..."
• Not from Mark himself, but in the wake of the July 14, 2018 episode where Drake's Scorpion knocked a ton of long-running songs off the Hot 100, a fan took it upon himself to have the artists of said songs recreate the final scenes of Infinity War, with Drake as Thanos. Mark, of course, loved it.
• In the May 4, 2019 episode of Billboard Breakdown, he lists "Earth" by Lil Dicky as "ft. way too many fucking people who should know better", and he lists the genre as "hip-hop/pop/"comedy"/bowel cancer".
• In the February 3, 2024 episode on "Skin and Bones" by David Kushner, where he lists the genre tags as "Miserable/virgin", describes Kushner as a "hectoring moral scold who appears to write about sex like he needs it explained to him with PowerPoint", emphasizing how Disney of all things got the "evil woman" concept more right than Kushner, and calling him "Hozier for virgins at Christian youth camp" before emphasizing that they even deserve better than him.

Year-End Lists

• The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2013: "The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?)" by Ylvis is in the Dishonourable Mentions, and Mark makes this hilarious gaffe: "Besides, I thought the Furries already told us what the fox says: The fox 'yiffs'." "Yiff" is not a vocalization, it's a slang term for having sex.
• His comment about "Marvin Gaye" by Charlie Puth & Meghan Trainor in the ''Worst Hit Songs of 2015'' video:
  "People who are scared of their own genitals need music too."
• The Worst Hit Songs of 2016 list may be his most snark-filled video to date.
  • On "Cake By The Ocean":
  "But by the time we get to the hook, it's the metaphorical sand between the rose petals, if you get me."
  • On "Don't Mind":
  "Kent Jones brushes aside this girl's concerns that she's got a guy, because 'Hey, that guy doesn't speak English, what can he do to stop Kent Jones?' You know, I'm fairly certain that a fist to the jaw and a boot to the nuts is universal across multiple languages."
  • On "Work From Home":
  "Fellas, porn is not real life, nobody squirts that much!"
  • On "One Call Away":
  "So it seems after crapping on my favorite boy-band with his cheap excuses on "Marvin Gaye" he resorts to taking a dump on one of my favorite superheroes; and after Batman V Superman, hasn't he suffered enough?
  • On "Wicked":
  "All of this intended to emphasize that he's wicked which he pronounces half-yawning."
  • On "Gold":
  "I've had YouTube Poops made about me that were a lot more melodic and compelling."
  • "TRIGGER WARNING! It's Post Malone!"
  • Mark's description of his #1 pick "Treat You Better" as a song "that will linger like a toxic fungus on the genitals".
    • Plus his impression of Shawn Mendes' singing with a comically sneering tone.
  • As he ends the video, he sums up his feelings towards the year in two words: SCREW 2016!
• From the Worst Hit Songs of 2017 list:
  • On "XO Tour Llif3":
  "Lil Uzi Vert's autotuned caterwauling sounds like a cat in the microwave."
  • Mark claiming that he has more of a Twitter presence than the guys who made "Juju On Dat Beat".
  • Saying that blackbear has the most punchable face and personality since Ajit Pai (aka the guy spearheading the FCC's repeal of net neutrality).
  • On "Fake Love":
  "It's a song that makes him sound drunk on cheap wine and trying a Young Thug impression while getting tased in the scrotum."
  • Describing Swae Lee's falsetto in "Swang" as "the kind of sound that makes me want to run into oncoming traffic".
  • Referring to his #1 pick "Body Like A Backroad" as scrotal cancer.
    • Starting off the segment with "Ok, really, was it ever going to be anything else?"
• From the Worst Hit Songs of 2018 list:
  • On "Te Bote":
  "The song opens up with the autotuned caterwauling of Ozuna playing off dreary pianos and a forgettable beat, and none of it evolves or changes to show potent progression beyond tacking on more mugging condom accidents to bray about kicking some girl to the curb."
  • Mark has a message for 6ix9ine fans when discussing "FEFE":
  "Hate to break it to you teenage white boys, your Soundcloud waifu is going away for a long time".
• There were some choice words about Train's "Hey Soul Sister" in the Worst Hit Songs of 2010 list:
  "And considering when my mind hears 'soul sister' I think of 'Lady Marmalade', I'm fairly certain every woman on that song would castrate this band with nail clippers!"
  "And as surely as it will be recorded as a footnote in the downfall of Western civilization in the 2010s, it lingers like an antibiotic-resistant venereal disease on playlists to this day."
  • Also, his description of Timbaland's "Say Something" as sounding like "gurgling ass".
• From the Worst Hit Songs of 2012 list:
  • On "Whistle":
  "It's the incoherence that's so mind-boggling to me, because you could literally walk away from this song thinking that Flo Rida pulled a muscle trying to fuck his car!"
  • Mark's short but sweet introduction of "Turn Up The Music":
  "Ladies and gentlemen, a clusterfuck!"
  • On "Drive By":
  "This is a song where Pat Monahan, after one night of presumably bad sex has fallen so head-over-heels for this woman, where I imagine that she probably heard 'Hey Soul Sister' and rightly skipped town - or maybe when he just sent the 'I Just Had Sex' tweet unironically that went viral, could be both."
• From the Worst Hit Songs of 2011 list:
  • When discussing "Look At Me Now", he apologises for bringing up the line where Chris Brown talks about his dick, saying that "this is a safe space, you don't have to say 'hi' to it".
  • When discussing Kanye's verse on "E.T.":
  "Bathe my ape in your Milky Way"? Which apparently is a sneakers reference, but leaves me thinking that Kanye wants to put his foot in this girl's vagina!
• In the The Best Hit Songs of 2019 list, he gives a completely sincere honourable mention to "Baby Shark" by PinkFong.
  "So I'll say three things: It does exactly what it's designed to do, it's better produced and arranged than it has any right to be, and the Washington Nationals won the World Series. And who said I can't appreciate a good meme now?"
  • A similar moment happens in The Top 50 Best Hit Songs of the 2010's, when he lists "This Afternoon" by Nickelback as a Canadian hit that could have made the list if it was bigger in the United States.
  "Yes, that just happened. You're welcome."
• From the Worst Hit Songs of 2020 list:
  • Just the thumbnail. Usually he has multiple artists on it who are on the list, but this time it's only two pictures of the same artist: Justin Bieber.
  • His #1 pick, "Sunday Best" by Surfaces, has its genre listed as "pop/torture"
• From the Best Hit Songs of 2020 list:
  • His #1 pick, The Weeknd's "Blinding Lights", is so obvious that he skips his usual long intro and instead opts with:
  "I mean...duh."
• From the "Worst Hit Songs of 2023" list:
  • On "Sabor Fresa":
  "...but the horny flexes are also paired with a passing jab at Peso Pluma for actually hesitating if being asked to shoot someone - Fuerza Regida, they don’t have that problem. This entire song screams of unloading too soon, if you catch my drift."
  • On "TQM":
  "I had to check to see if Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott were still together - apparently they’re not beyond coparenting - so it’s more likely they’re using her name as a metaphor for cocaine, which might be the only explanation why the horn pickups sound like the up-close aftermath of a colonoscopy but with added reverb!"
  • On "Slut Me Out":
  "And let’s make this clear, this song is terrible, an abbreviated whooshing embarrassment where NLE Choppa tries to be sexual and fails so catastrophically that anyone taking pointers from this in the bedroom should have their heads examined and then sue for professional negligence!"
  • On his #10, "FE!N", saying that Playboi Carti sounds like a "muppet with COVID" who is "apparently suffering mid-asthma attack", alongside "Travis Scott's own bleating of the word "FE!N" on the hook like a minion."
  • On his #9, "Ain't That Some":
    • A rather simple opening line:
    "And in the topic of songs that sound like sludgy, curdled ass..."
    • And an equally simple closing line:
    "To answer the metaphorical question of this song, it is indeed some shit!

Others

• From the pre-YouTube days, we have this hysterical movie review of Breaking Dawn Part II, where Mark tries to explain why he found that particular instalment of the movie series So Bad, It's Good.