Funny / Roger Ebert

• "Friends don't let Jackasses drink and drive."
• When Ebert really doesn't like a movie, expect an epic beatdown.
• His announcement that he had created a Twitter page: "This Just In!: I am a Twit."
• Ebert expected to drive a Bias Steamroller over the film of Atlas Shrugged. It didn't quite end up like that.
• "I hated this movie! Hated hated hated hated hated this movie! Hated it! Hated every simpering, stupid, vacant, audience-insulting moment of it!" He once read it out loud.
• The entire Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo saga. "Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks."
• The "bottom of the barrel" monologue in his review of Freddy Got Fingered.
  "This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."
• His outright refusal to give The Human Centipede a rating.
  "I am required to award stars to movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited to this film. Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don't shine."
• His entire Your Movie Sucks book.
• This bit from his review of Anatomy of Hell:
  Breillat is the bold French director whose specialty is female sexuality. [..] But sometimes she is just plain goofy, as in "Anatomy of Hell," which plays like porn dubbed by bitter deconstructionist theoreticians.
• When Vincent Gallo retaliated to Ebert's extremely negative review of The Brown Bunny by calling him a "fat pig", Ebert replied with "One day I will be thin, but Gallo will always be the director of ''The Brown Bunny''."
  • Gallo then declared that he had put a hex on Ebert's colon. Ebert's response was that he'd just gone in for a colonoscopy, his colon was fine, and watching the procedure was still more interesting than The Brown Bunny.
  • The foreword to "Your Movie Sucks" talks about Ebert and Gallo finally meeting face-to-face. Gallo said he was being sarcastic and his words were taken out of context. Ebert replied he missed in any case, because he got cancer in his saliva glands.
• Outtakes from a 1987 promo shoot for the episode reviewing No Way Out (1987), The Big Easy and The Fourth Protocol.
• Romeo Must Die: The last paragraph is Roger listing various observances with the movie, ending with "This movie needs a screenplay."
• The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course has Roger uttering "Crikey!" four times.
• His review of Milk Money, where it's written as two studio execs. It must be read to be believed.
• Remarking that Lara Croft has great ears.
• "Mad Dog Time is the first film I have ever seen that does not improve on viewing a blank screen for the same period of time.....this movie should be cut into free ukulele picks for the poor."
• Pink Flamingos:
  "Note: I am not giving a star rating to Pink Flamingos, because stars simply seem not to apply. It should be considered not as a film but as a fact, or perhaps as an object."
• In his review of A.I.: Artificial Intelligence, he registers his opinion that the film's theme of Androids Are People, Too is meaningless because computers simply can't be sapient... then adds, "I sincerely hope Buzz Lightyear is not reading these words."

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