Prequel Trilogy

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

The opening with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan:
Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this.
Mike: (both riffers laughing ruefully) You're not kiddin'.
Kevin: That's the opening line.

Qui-Gon: Be mindful of the living Force, young padawan.
Obi-Wan: Yes, master.
Mike (as Obi-Wan): But the screenplay! I sense disaster!
Any and all riffs pertaining to Jar Jar, but particularly when they just resort to cursing him:
Jar Jar: We've no nuttin' no moola to trade (or something stupid like that).
Mike: Look, GO TO HELL!
- And this one:
  Jar Jar: WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOME!
  Kevin: Oh, do so COMPLETELY shut up.
- Kevin actually vomits for five minutes while Jar-Jar talks.
- One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.
  Mike: Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character.
- And this surprisingly classy discussion of just how Jar-Jar annoys people:
  Kevin: See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive.
  Mike: Really?
  Kevin: Yeah, he's more annoying in a metaphysical sense.
  Mike: I see, so, he bugs your soul?
  Kevin: Actually, yes.
- After the pod racing scene, Jar Jar is only on screen for a second, but still: "Uh, get bent."
This exchange:
Yoda: Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.
Mike: Um, Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that.
- Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
Just the entire Podracing scene.
Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid Info Dump:
Mike: Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!?
This exchange:
Mike: Remember when Macbeth said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say Star Wars Episode One is a tale told by an idiot.
Kevin: Must've been a misprint in the First Folio edition.
[as a battle droid] Rommel, you magnificent son of a bitch, I read your book.
The Running Gag of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with Star Wars names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
"Every fanboy's dream: take Natalie Portman to their room and show her their robot."
When Anakin unveils C-3PO and Padme compliments it:
Kevin: (over footage of R2-D2) Yeah, but can he lean back slightly and beep?
On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:
Kevin: And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple.
On Jar Jar stealing food with his tongue.
Kevin: Stop tonguing my fruit!
Dubbing a Droopy voice over footage of Ben Quadinaros.
This:
Roos Tarpals: Starting up the shield!
Mike: With Michael Chiklis? I hope so...

Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones

This exchange:
Mike: R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids.
Kevin: Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't!
"Into the Weenie Mobile, and off I go!"
This scene in the Greasy Spoon with the slovenly cook Dex:
Kevin: Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants.
Mike: OH! (dry-heaving) OH! (gagging) WHY, Kevin?!
Kevin: Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it?
Mike: You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants...
When Anakin kisses Padme at the end of the movie:
Chad Vader: Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete.
A conversation between Padmé and Anakin:
Anakin: The thought of not being with you... I can't breathe.
Mike: You can't act!
After Obi-wan opens a door with the Force:
Kevin: Oh, can the theatrics, that was a remote-sensing door!
As C3PO and R2D2 watch Padme and Anakin's wedding.
Mike (as C3PO): Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law.
After one of the "wittier" lines:
Obi-Wan: Only in your mind, my very young apprentice.
Mike: Ah, the dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding.
This exchange:
Mike: Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who?
Kevin: Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back.
Mike: Ah. And who's winning?
Chad Vader: Twentieth Century Fox.
After Anakin finds his dead mother and does a killing spree on the Tuskans:
Yoda: Anakin is in pain... terrible pain...
Kevin: But what about us, Muppet boy?!
(Wipe cut away to Obi-Wan on Geonosis)
Kevin: Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you!
The guys pick up on how Padme's "I love the water" line is easily as insipid as Anakin's "I hate sand" line, and turns it into a Running Gag. Example before the arena scene:
Padme: I love you.
Mike: Not as much as the water.
- "Oh yeah, gimme some sand-free lovin'."
When the assassin probe sends the poisonous bugs to kill Padme in her sleep:
Mike (whispering as one of the poisonous bugs): FREEDOM!!!
the bugs fall onto the floor)
Kevin (as one of the bugs): Ow, I broke, like, 47 legs!
When the Nexu slashes at Padme, tearing off a sleeve and exposing her midriff...
Kevin: Ow, that just bares my midriff!
Mike: (chuckles) What a conveniently alluring injury.
During the part when Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight (and later Anakin and Dooku):
Kevin: (on Dooku electrocuting Anakin with Force lightning) Ooh, nuclear silly-string!
(Followed by Kevin and Mike cheering that Anakin is KO'd)
- Later...
  Chad Vader: I'm a master of the lightsaber and even I'm bored. Let's get it on, people!
The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
Mike: To fanboys, Amidala's bedroom is holier than Mecca, the Vatican, the Dome of the Rock, and Industrial Light & Magic combined.
- Meanwhile, R2 is... inactive for some reason, when he is supposed to really be standing guard.
  Mike: Aaaaand R2's defragmenting his hard drive...
This Scene:
Mace Windu: Pilot! Land in that assembly area!
Clone: Yes, sir.
Chad Vader: Was that actually 'Pontius Pilate', 5th Procurator of Judaea? From 26 to 36 AD?
Mike: Uh...no.
After Shmi dies and Anakin starts his killing spree on the Tuskan village:
Kevin: Uh-oh! Kubrick face!
Mike: It's the fake Wagner music, makes him insane.
Kevin's opinion of the Romantic Plot Tumor:
(Shot of the Clone Army)
Kevin: Have you ever seen something more of an affront to all that is holy?!?
(Wipe Cut to Anakin and Padme having a picnic in a field.)
Kevin: Except, you know, the last time we saw these two.
"I could summon the legions of Hell."
Anakin: It's all Obi-Wan's fault! HE'S HOLDING ME BACK!
Kevin (as Anakin): The girls like him 'cuz he's got a sweet beard! WHY CAN'T I HAVE A SWEET BEARD?!
The sheer number of times they have Mace Windu (played by Samuel L. Jackson) resist saying mother*beep*er in this movie.
And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the Running Gag about how much Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader hates sand.
When Anakin is regaining consciousness after being shocked by Dooku's Force Lightning
Chad Vader: My brother was a giant puss.
"On May 16, 2002, roughly fifty minutes into midnight showings all across the nation, theater owners in every state witnessed a strange phenomenon. A sea of indiglow rising out of the darkness as disgruntled fanboys checked their watches en masse. Some were heard to mutter 'It's all happening again...'"
When we see the droid factory on Geonosis:
Kevin: What really goes on inside a Mormon Temple!

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith

[During the scrolling letters]
Bill: Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that?
Mike: I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing. Here, have twenty billion dollars.
Bill: Oh, much obliged.
Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:
Kevin: Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won't have podracing, will it? 'Cause, 'cause if so, Mike, I'll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you!
Mike: Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff.
Kevin: (screams) No, no! Mike, please! Let me out! Seriously. I will kill all your enemies. Please!
Mike: Here, breathe into this paper bag.
When Anakin meets Padme (who is wearing her hair in the bun style) again:
Mike: Mickey Mouse is waiting for him.
Kevin (imitating Mickey Mouse): (chuckles) Hi, Anakin!
Palpatine's ludicrous ham:
Palpatine: Dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities, some consider to be unnatural.
RiffTrax: (continuing) And so you see *incomprehensible string of British accented gibberish, featuring prominent long vowels*.
- Then, there's this line, in the same Scene.
  Bill: So they're just going to sit alone in the theater seats and make wisecracks about the show? What jerks!
Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:
Bill: (during the opening Battle of Coruscant) Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care!
This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:
Yoda: I hope right you are.
Mike (as Yoda): Or predicate will I put again before subject and gibberish shall I spout.
Kevin: True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.
Bill: And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.
Mike: Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me.
This exchange:
Mace Windu: I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi.
Mike: That's funny; we can't sense ANY plot whatsoever!
When Anakin & Obi-Wan are conversing.
Obi-Wan: Be careful of your friend, Palpatine.
Kevin: And your pal, Friendpatine!
This exchange:
Obi-Wan: Anakin, Chancellor Palpatine is evil!
Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil.
Bill: From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his PENIS!
All of the jabs involving how Samuel L. Jackson is notorious for swearing.
- You're not a mother*BLEEP*ing master.
As Mace Windu:
Kevin: I have had it with these motherf**kin Sith on this motherf**kin planet!
Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.
Bland?
On Anakin's transformation into James Earl Jones:
Bill: He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett—
Mike: —then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, and THEN James Earl Jones.
This exchange:
Palpatine: NO...no, no. YOU WILL DIE!
Mike (as Palpatine): NO! I don't wanna go to tha big place!
On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:
Palpatine: ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... (voice lowering with each word) ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace.
Riffers: (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor.
Their take of order 66 is utterly hilarious
Palpatine: Commander Cody, the time has come. Execute Order... 66.
Bill: Spicy Shrimp with SNOW PEAS!!! (Bill echoes Palpatine's narmy evil laugh from earlier)
Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:
Bill: If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.
As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:
Kevin (as Tarkin): Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the window. Until then, looks cool, eh?
Bill (as Vader): So, where are the ladies on this ship?
Mike (as Palpatine): Ah, my son. You have much to learn about the Dark Side.
Bill (as Vader): NO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kevin: Ah, you see, Bill? That one seems kind of warranted.
When the Wookies are preparing to charge:
THIS.. IS... THE TEDDY BEAR PICNIC!
Any and all Palpatine/Sideous Old Man jokes.
I want a muffin.
Oh, my robes!
I want a Fig Newton!
OH, I never knew my pants could be this full!
Oh, I'm whipped. Some noodle soup and bed for me.
The Running Gag about R2 being a droid serial killer.
When the Anakin/Vader's 501st Legion attacks the Jedi Temple:
Mike: (sadly) Oh, and they even attacked the bowling alley!
This:
Padme: Ani...I'm pregnant.
Mike (as Padme): I'm pretty sure it's Watto's. I can feel its wings moving around.
"I believe I have the right to know if you are pants-crapping insane!"
The I Am Very British persona they give Obi-Wan:
Obi-Wan: "So uncivilized..."
Mike: *as Obi-Wan* "Sometimes I think these coolies don't deserve the British Raj!"
Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.
Bill: ...Uh, Samuel has the guy pinned down now, Mike.
"What do you think, penis-headed ghost of Hamlet's father?"
"Sky-WANKER."
The guys making fun of Yoda's speech pattern.
When Anakin is complaining to Palpatine
Palpatine: It is upsetting to me to see that the Council doesn't seem to fully appreciate your talents.
Mike: WHAT TALENTS?!
During the Order 66 Scene
Bill: Kevin, uh, execute Order 66 against Mike, can you?
Kevin (as a clone trooper): It will be done, my lord.
(Blaster fire, Kevin laughs evilly. Mike groans in pain.)
Bill: Ke-Kevin, what the hell?
Kevin: Uh wait, uh, 66 is to kill Mike without question wasn't it?
Bill: No, that's Order 67! I just e-mailed you about the change! 66 was to pick up some of that Hawaiian bread on the way over to Mike's [place], 'cause he's making a spinach dip.
Kevin: Now Mike's dead. Dang it. Good one, Kevin.
Mike: (grunts) No, it's — it's okay; Kevin missed.
(Bill and Kevin laugh and sigh in relief)
Bill: Though it is good to know that you're prepared to kill Mike without question, Kevin. I— I do appreciate that.
Kevin: Ah, yeah.
Mike: But, uh, you're still bringing Hawaiian bread, right?
Kevin: Mike, please, who's your BUDDY?
Mike: (laughing) You.
Kevin: That would be ME, Mike!
Bill: The guy who would kill you without—
Mike: — kill me without question.
When Obi-Wan's lightsaber lands in front of Commander Cody when he loses it while chasing Grievous:
Bill (as Commander Cody): What the-?! Hey! Who dropped their lipgloss?!
ALL of the guys comments about poor old Ki Adi Mundi and his weird-looking head, which start off fairly high brow ("He's certainly sitting erect.") but eventually just devolve into this
Mike: (during the scene where Mundi is leading an army on a snow covered planet) Santa Penis-Head defends the North Penis-Pole!
- And immidiately afterwards when the clones turn on him:
  Kevin (as Mundi): Wha?! No, please! NOT IN THE JUNK!!! ...Well, since I'm nearly all junk, DO YOUR WORST!
- And then Mike's eulogy which finally causes Kevin to tire of the gag.
  Mike: Imagine the eulogy, "Ya know, Bob was so much fun to be around, he would rise to the occasion, he was never down, he was always tumescent, he never just mope around the office all flacid like—
  Kevin OKAY!
From Mundi's scene, this joke about him looking like Santa:
Ki Adi Mundi: Come on!
Bill (as Mundi): We must end the elf rebellion!
The ultimate Call-Back as Anakin/Vader is about to kill one of the Nemodians (which is Nute Gunray's species).
Mike: "Macken!"
A very obscure but hilarious reference found when Anakin and Obi-Wan are leaping over huge distances between small boulders in the lava flow:
Kevin: Legend of Kage jump!
Yoda and Anakin talking about his premonitions:
Anakin: They're of pain, suffering... Death.
Yoda: Yourself you speak of, or someone you know?
Mike (as Yoda): Someone small and green, for instance.
As Anakin burns and Obi-Wan walks away:
Kevin: If he's feeling the slightest bit remorseful, I have some advice on how he could put out that fire...
As Palpatine finds the maimed and badly burned Anakin:
Bill (as Palpatine): Pardon me, grotesque triple amputee, but I'm looking for someone: Roughly your height, with legs of course, petulant attitude, wanted to rule the galaxy, probably won't find him on any beaches?
Kevin making Speedy Gonzales noises as Yoda is fighting Palpatine.
"Ribbit."

Original Trilogy

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a film maker said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
"Genius, thwarting Darth Vader by sending the plans to a planet covered in sand. He hates that stuff!"
"(shot of door) Door!....(shot of Tantive IV crew with guns drawn) Guys!....(shot of door again) Door!....(shot of crew again) Guys!....(door starts getting busted through with smoke) DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
"Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
Kevin: (as C3PO and R2D2 cross through heavy laser crossfire) See, the laser beams are deflected by their supporting character status.
"Alright, fellas, into the Slave Leia costumes. Two of you will have to share."
Mike: We interrupt this scene of a robot silently wandering through the desert to bring you a... robot, silently wandering through the desert.
Bill messing with Kevin over confusing "Jawa" with "Jabba" during the "R2D2 roams through the canyon alone and gets captured by Jawas" scene....
Kevin: (gasp) Look! Jawa!
Bill: Where?
Kevin: Ah, y'just missed him. It was kinda hard to see.
Bill: A giant oozing slug smuggler is hard to see?
Kevin: "No no no. Not Jabba... Jawa...
Bill: Right! Jawa The Hutt!
Kevin: No. Ja-BAH The Hutt!
Bill: BAH?
Kevin: BAH!
Bill: Not WA?
Kevin: Not WA.
Bill: Ja-BAH The Hutt...
Kevin: YES!
Bill: ...is hiding amongst the rocks, somewhere...
Kevin: NO!
Bill: I'd suppose if he were abandoned on a desert planet, he might lose a bit of weight...
Kevin: ...but he WASN'T so he DIDN'T!...
Bill: ...but even so, the amount of loose skin he'd be draggin' around would negate any advantage as far as camouflage was concerned...
Kevin: (angrish)
Bill: ..Then again, he could just eat all those little Jawa guys cuz they're all over the place, here...
Kevin: GAAAAAARRRGGH! Corbett!
Mike as one of the Jawas as they carry R2 to their Sand-Crawler thing; "....Alright! So all in favor of worshiping it as our god....one, two, three....okay....and all in favor of taking it apart and hitting the pieces with a hammer....also three....and all in favor of giving it to Jenkins' wife as a birthday present because he forgot to get her anything else....*long beat*....Anyone else besides Jenkins? Okay....one vote for that option...."
After some bickering between C-3PO and R2-D2:
Kevin: Remember, they've been sniping at each other like this since before Luke was born.
After the red artoo unit Uncle Owen bought from the Jawas suddenly short-circuits and explodes:
Mike: I didn't know Kia made robots!
The guys riffing on a droid they dubbed "The Probinator".
Luke: Uncle Owen! (points to R2D2) What about that one?
Bill (as Owen): Shut up, Luke! I'm bargaining for The Probinator!
The riff on the scene with Vader, Tarkin, and several Imperial Officers:
Kevin: The Council of Lousy Haircuts!
Kevin: Phil Collins had been a real jerk since he got that toupee.
Mike: When did we let an American in?
Bill (as Tarkin): Can't we have just one nice meal together?
"My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
- "Chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe..."
"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
One of the most callous and hilarious one-liners in the entire series riff:
C-3PO: I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2.
Luke: Hello.
Kevin (as R2D2): I stood next to your mother as she died.
- Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
Absolutely EVERYTHING regarding the overweight and unfortunately named X-Wing pilot Porkins.
- "I blame Porkins!"
- "I think I see pieces of Porkins all over the Death Star."
- "This will henceforth be known as St. Porkins' Day!"
Riffs related to Luke's childhood friend, Biggs Darklighter, his Red Shirt status and KILLER 1970s Porn Stache.
"I think we better go, there could be dangerous people lurking. What? There are dangerous people lurking? Hey, let's go check it out."
The Tusken Raiders Scene
- When The Tusken pops out of nowhere to attack Luke:
  Mike: Packers!! Whoo!
- After the Tusken Raider knocks out Luke:
  Kevin: O'DOYLE RULES!
  Bill: The sand people speak fluent Sea Lion. Unfortunately, the only thing you can say in Sea Lion is: "I desire more fish, please fling them to me."
When Obi-Wan and Luke part ways for the last time (although it could come across as a case of Insult Backfire)...
Obi-Wan: Your destiny lies on a different path than mine.
Kevin: I'm going to win a Lifetime Oscar and you're going to star in a bunch of cartoons.
After Obi Wan Kenobi is killed by Vader, physically disappears (except for his robe) and ascends to The Force, Kenobi's voice tells Luke to run.
Kenobi: Run, Luke, run!
Mike (as Luke): Thank you, naked ghost of Alec Guinness!
This scene:
Imperial Officer: We analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Shall I have your ship standing by?
Tarkin: Evacuate? In our moment of our triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.
Bill (as Tarkin): In fact, drain the gas from my ship and lock the keys inside it! That's how strongly I feel.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

These jokes involving Dack:
- "Right now, I feel like I can take on the whole Empire by myself."
  Chad Vader: Dack forgot to wear his Red Shirt.
- When Dack dies:
  Kevin: (mockingly) So his whole "Take on the Empire by yourself" thing was all just big talk, huh, that phony?!
  Mike: Kevin, he's dead!
  Kevin: He's a dead phony!
- When Luke's snowspeeder crashes:
  Mike (as Dack): Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker! When I get out of here I swear to God, I'm gonna— D'OWWW!
  Chad Vader: Clever skit, Nelson. Your powers of humor are complete.
On the probe droid on Hoth:
Kevin: Look out, it's a probe droid. Don't let it see your ass!
When Chewie does a giggle-growl at Leia's jibe at Han.
Kevin (as Chewie): Pwned!
Han: Laugh it up, fuzzball.
Kevin (as Chewie): Don't mind if I do, skin tube!
After Leia kisses Luke:
Kevin (as Leia): Now, if you'll excuse me, I am scheduled to make out with my dad.
On one of the snowtroopers who gets shot (which bear some resemblance to the infamous KKK)...
Mike: A klansman!
Chad Vader presents the lyrics to the Imperial March theme as he learned them when growing up.
♪I am the friendly bunny named Fred. Come close to me and I'll feast on your head!♪
"Hm. Tripping balls I am, right now!"
"Lando?" "Cerebro?" "Magneto!"
"I'll be in the mystery cave on Dagobah, holding a lightsaber. First come, first serve. Must not be related. Bears preferred."
"Down boy, quit humping my leg!"
When we see that Darth Vader is at Cloud City:
Chad Vader: Brunch, anyone?
After Vader cuts off Luke's hand...
Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.
Chad Vader (as Darth Vader): Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass.
When Luke finds out that Darth Vader is in fact, his father, Anakin Skywalker:
Luke: NOOOO!!! NO!
Chad Vader: Hey, that's my line. And it's not (Whiningly) "No, NO!", it's just, NO!!!!!!!!!
When Luke has visions of his friends suffering, Yoda tells him he is seeing the future.
Mike: They're attending the premiere of Episode I.
When Vader orders Admiral Piett not to fail him:
Vader Dont fail me again, Admiral.
Mike He failed, and Vader turned him into a Trap-fearing Squid head
On Leia's sad expression after Han is frozen in Carbonite:
Mike (as Leia, in a disturbed tone): Now I love Malla. I think I need help.
When the Falcon can't jump into hyperspace, despite being fixed, due to Admiral Piett's stormtroopers turning it off off-screen...
Lando: It's not my fault!
Mike: "It's not my fault", the most frequently heard phrase after test screenings of Star Wars movies.
As Yoda raises the X-wing out of the swamp...
Mike as Yoda: I'm going to unsink this bitch.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
- "Today's the day the teddy bears have their murder!"
- "Remember: these are the Empire's best troops."
- "The Hurt Locker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
- "Gently tap them to death!"
- "My God, they're eating them. That's a little strong."
- "By dawn, the stench smoldering fun fur and melting black button eyes had blackened the sky..."
- When an Ewok was killed by an AT-ST during the Darkest Hour (The riff makes an otherwise Tear Jerker scene into a funny moment.):
  Bill (as dead Ewok): *groans weakly* Give my vest... to the Hair Bear Bunch. Tell Skinhorse I'll always love him. Have Funshine Bear deliver my eulogy and donate my body to... Toys For Tots...
- "It's like a scene from 'Harry and the Hendersons: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
This:
Imperial Officer: You rebel scum.
Bill: You Imperial slut!
[Watching the Rebels getting owned outside the Death Star during]
Emperor Palpatine: The Alliance will die, as will your friends.
Mike: Ron, Hermione, Merry, Pippin, Bumblebee, all of them!
"And they meet Porkins the White."
Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap!
Bill: This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!
When Leia is disguised as Boush and is handing Chewie to Jabba.
C-3PO: Fifty thousand, no less.
Mike (as Jabba): Well, do I look like I'm made of money?
Kevin (as a guy offscreen): No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!
Mike (as Jabba): Who said that?!
Also; The So Much for Stealth gag with "Boush" (as 'he'/she sneaks around at night to free Han from the containment unit...and accidently rustles some windchimes)....
Kevin: "D'oh! Who put windchimes indoors, honestly?!"
Bill: "Now he stumbles backwards into Jabba's German cuckoo clock collection...."
Mike: "....flailing about, he accidentally hits 'Play' on 15 different stereos cued up to the 1812 Overture...."
Bill: "....and he back into a percarious rack of fine bone china!" ^note
On the (in)famous Leia gold bikini:
Bill: And there we have it, the costume that makes Comic Con bearable.
Kevin: And in a few outlying cases, much, much worse.
Bill: You saw that guy too, huh?
On Endor, as a scout trooper walks away from his comrade...
Bill (as the scout trooper): I'm gonna practice shooting and missing at some trees. See you later.
When Jabba says in Huttese that he will enjoy seeing Luke die, we get this response from Kevin:
Kevin (as Jabba): ...in Zelda II. It's surprisingly difficult for such an old game.
- After the above moment, when Luke falls down into the Rancor pit:
  Bill (as Luke): "WHY DIDN'T I BRING MY LIGHTSABER?!"
When the portcullis opens and the Rancor appears:
Bill: And from behind that door emerges RIP TAYLOR!
Kevin: Aaah!
At the end, when the Force Ghosts appear and Hayden Christensen is among them:
Kevin (as Luke): Oh, hey fellas. Now who the hell is smirking little douchebag?
"This is for Itchy!"
As Luke and Obi-Wan talk:
Obi-Wan: Your father...
Bill: Was a tool with a little ponytail.
When Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sideous) starts torturing Luke with Force Lightning.
Darth Sideous: If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed.
(Sideous shoots Force Lightning at Luke)
Bill: That's funny; that's Apple's new advertising slogan, too.
"It's the Retcon Battalion!"
Pilot: There's too many of them!
Kevin: It's as if someone added extra ships after the fact.
"Yes, Episode VI, aka the one you thought was worst Star Wars episode until you got proved severely wrong sixteen years later... and again nineteen years later... and again twenty-two years later... and again twenty-five years later."
After Emperor Palpatine stands up in a long shot to greet Luke:
Kevin: Brain Guy?
Bill: Who?
While Luke is being electrocuted by Palpatine...
Bill (as Vader): Sure, I'll help you, Son. I'll just use my two hands—oh, wait!

Sequel Trilogy

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

The gang opens the podcast with Kevin and Bill excited and ready for more Star Wars - which they believe is made of entirely senate hearings, joint committees, etc. Mike has to inform them that they "focus group'd it or something", and actually made a good movie entirely without those things.
Along with Kevin and Bill yammering about all that politics slop is Disembaudo gushing over Yaddle (the female "Yoda-Jedi" from the prequels).
As the Stormtroopers are riding their transport on the the way to Jakku, the Troopers stand as the light flickers....
Mike, Kevin & Bill: "*in a very deep, depressed, sonorous tone* Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall....ninety-nine bottles of beer...."
As the stormtroopers deploy during their attack on the Jakku village...
Bill: Gentlemen, fire, and miss an astounding percentage of your shots, at will.
When Kylo Ren makes a dirty look at Finn when he doesn't shoot the villagers when the other stormtroopers massacre them, Mike claims Kylo knows that Finn is internally mocking his helmet.
Mike (as Kylo Ren): I can read minds, you know. Who's thinking my mask looks like an art deco baby elephant head?
During the village attack scene, as Kylo Ren's shuttle lands to drop him off.
Kevin (as stormtrooper on the ship): Don't land on the squirrel(s).
Mike (as Stormtrooper): Sir, you told us to slaughter everyone in sight.
Kevin (as stormtrooper on the ship): Except squirrels, I said! I like squirrels!
- And it all comes down to this moment:
  Phasma: Sir, the villagers?
  Kylo Ren: ...Kill them all.
  Bill (as Kylo Ren): ...Except the squirrels. God help you if you harm one of those precious creatures!
The Running Gag of mocking Rey for apparently parking her vehicles far from her actual destination.
After Poe names Finn:
Mike: Be seeing you at conventions for the next 40 years!
- In that same scene, Mike's impression of Poe & Finn arguing.
On Captain Phasma:
Kevin: Would you take off your helmet?!
- And earlier, when she makes her first appearance:
  Mike (as Phasma): You bet I couldn't make a dopier costume? Well pay up!
When Admiral Ackbar makes his first appearance in the film, the guys beg him to recite his famous line. Mike then states as Ackbar that he only does it at conventions!
As Finn approaches Niima Outpost:
Kevin: Then at last, he comes across an oasis… run by Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman is there, pouring a drink into his head. So he lies down and quietly dies.
- At Niima outpost, Finn approaches an alien for help only for the alien to shove him off with an angry "BLAAAHHHBBBEEH!" noise so Mike, Kevin and Bill do the same when he approaches a couple others.
  Bill: "'BLAAAHHHBBBEEH' Pretty much sums up my feelings about the whole Star Wars enterprise."
Rey earning one quarter portion from Unkarr Plutt:
Kevin: That's like a quarter pounder, but with much less plastic.
When Rey is returning home at sunset:
Bill: Just one lousy sun?? What kind of crap desert planet is this?
When Rey chases down Finn almost the moment they meet.
Mike: Yep, that happened to me everytime I asked a woman out. Came barreling at me with a stick.
(Kevin and Bill laugh)
(Rey beats Finn to the ground)
Mike: And if they did go out with me, that's always how the date usually ended.
After TIE fighters blow up a quadjumper ship, forcing Rey, Finn and BB-8 to use the Millenium Falcon to make their escape...
Rey: The garbage will do!
Kevin: "The garbage will do", Golden Corral's new slogan.
Han and Chewie's return, before Han says, "Chewie, we're home.":
Bill (as Han): Let's grab my paycheck and get outta here!
A fun Rifftrax callback Brick Joke. Throughout all the previous movies in the Original Trilogy, the guys riff as Han Solo as Harrison Ford looking forward to making his box-office-bomb, Firewall ('Firewall, Here I come!'). Once Episode 7 rolls along....
Rey: ...This is the Millennium Falcon! You're Han Solo!...
Han (dejected): I used to be.
Kevin (as Han): (same dejected tone) ...Before Firewall!
Han asserting to Chewie that he talks his way out of things every time. The guys ponder what Chewie really said.
Kevin: What does he do every time?
Bill: Well from the looks of it, cut his own hair.
When the Rathtars start rolling around the ship.
Kevin: Ah, the monsters have gone into Sonic the Hedgehog rolling mode now! Soon there will be pregnant fan art of them.
On Supreme Leader Snoke:
Bill: I wonder what made the Lincoln Memorial turn to the Dark Side.
Han and Leia's conversation about Kylo Ren.
Leia: You're his father.
Kevin (as Han): Wait, you told me it was Greedo's kid!
Mike (as Leia): No, you shot first.
When Han advises Finn and Rey to not stare at "any of it" when they enter Maz Kanata's cantina.
Bill: The door only open if you make a funny quip. Jeff Dunham can never enter that building.
Regarding General Hux:
Mike: When Weasleys turn bad.^note
- During Hux's Hitler-esqe speech, they accuse the movie for ripping off Starship Troopers' satire and symbolism on fascism.
- And this gem:
  Hux: Today is the end of the Republic!
  Kevin (as Hux): BEHOLD, Starkiller's first Costco!
- As the camera zooms in on him yelling "...AS THE LAST DAY...OF THE REPUBLIC!!!", the riffers actually are chuckling from his somewhat-narmness, and as the stormtroopers do the fist equivalent of the Nazi salute...
  Bill (as a stormtrooper): We're not Nazis!
As Starkiller's beam is fired with all the First Order guys watching...
Kevin (As Starkiller technician): Gah, jeez. Aww jeez! Uh, quick everyone, find a fridge and get in! Oh boy!"
The guys embrace Kylo Ren's Memetic Loser status among the fandom. Several jokes are made about him not having talent or powers when said otherwise (much like Hayden Christensen in the prequels) or how Snoke did a crappy job training him.
Kylo Ren throws another violent tantrum when Rey turns up missing. Some Stormtroopers approaching the room stop in their tracks and slowly back away, deciding they have a better place to be right now.
Kevin: Uh, red alert. Dark Lord Pissypants is at it again. Let's motor.
When Kylo asks Han "to help him" as a way to lower his defenses so that he can stab Han and kill him...
Kylo: Will you help me?
Han: Yes, anything.
Bill (as Kylo): Will you help me move some of my stuff to my girlfriend's place?
Kevin (as Han): Uh, no, sorry. I'm pretty busy.
After Kylo stabs Han...
Kylo Ren: Thank you...
Kevin (as Han): No problem, happy to help— Hey wait, you just stabbed me!
When Han Solo falls to his doom after being slain by his son Kylo Ren.
Bill: Joke's on you, Kylo, there's a sweet hot tub down here!
During Chewie's Roaring Rampage of Revenge, Kevin's Riff isn't that far off from what probably would've gone down.
Kevin. Chewie's murder-boner lasted several hours.
After Han's death and Chewie is silently mourning his best friend.
Kevin (as Chewie): I've been using his Sam's Club membership. What the hell am I gonna do?
During the climactic lightsaber duels between Finn & Rey and Kylo Ren....as Kylo and Finn fight (with Kylo burn/stabbing Finn's shoulder with his saber cross-guard beam)....
Kevin (as Kylo): (macho Evil Gloating tone) YOUR lightsaber has a lame, artificial "Blueberry" tint while MINE has a MANLY "Razzleberry" huuuuuue!
Mike (as Finn): "Razzleberry's"... not... a real... thing! ARRRRGGHHH!
When Starkiller Base is destroyed.
Mike: Welp, bad guys, fourth time's the charm! Let's get building!
During the dialog-less ending...
- The first shot of a cloaked Luke:
  Mike: Aaaaaand, cloak falls away to reveal three dogs stacked on top each other and cue the Baha Men!
- Perhaps the crowning moment of the entire riff? It's at the end when Luke slowly turns to Rey.
  Kevin (As Jar Jar): Meesa waited lingy LONG TIME FOR YOUSA!!!
  Bill and Mike: OH GOD! NO! GO TO HELL!
- Regarding the cliffhanger ending:
  Mike: Okay and hold the shot, music swells… there. We just printed two billion dollars!
  Kevin: Well, I know I'm gonna put my life on hold for the next few months to develop theories about that shiny, crappy Stormtrooper! How 'bout you guys?
  Bill: Can't do it Kevin, gonna get in line for the next next movie!

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

When Leia snarks at C-3PO to wipe off the "nervous expression" from his face.
Mike: They know they can literally stop bringing him at any time, right?
Finn wakes up from his coma:
Mike (as Finn): AUGH! ITCHY JACKING IT TO DIANNE CARROLL!
Sometimes it is the small things. When Poe and Canady (the dreadnaught commander) shouts in slow-motion as the dreadnaught is about to blow up, a loud "bleep" rings out as soon as they open their mouths.
The guys declare that the infamous siren is Luke's wife.
Siren: If you weren't here, you don't wanna know how he'd be doing this!
This exchange about Ackbar (now voiced by Tom Kane due to the death of Erik Bauersfield):
Poe: We need to get out of range of those Star Destroyers!
Ackbar: We need to what?!?
Mike: (laughs) Crotchety Ackbar is best Ackbar.
Luke insists that nothing can change his mind about remaining in exile on Ach-To.
Mike: That green milk is like heroin, man...
When Rose tells Finn how three people have already tried to jump ship, and she had to stun them, Finn responds that it's disgraceful.
Bill (as Rose): You're right, I should've executed them instead of just stunning them!
Maz tells the gang to find the Master Codebreaker before cutting the transmission.
Bill: Uh, I dunno, maybe they could've just asked for his *BLEEP*ing name?!
On the Caretakers:
Rey: I don't think they like me.
Luke: Can't imagine why.
Mike: Probably because Rey eats corn dogs in bed and leaves the sticks for them to clean up.
Luke slaps Rey's hand with the blade of grass.
Kevin: That is for your indifferent work in Peter Rabbit, young lady!
Luke asks what's inside Rey, and Mike responds "roasted Porg, mostly!"
When the Porgs are causing havoc in the cockpit of the Falcon, Bill jokes that Chewie had time to write, direct, and shoot an entire web-series about them while waiting around on Ach-To.
Regarding Canto Bight:
Rose: It's a terrible place filled with the worst kind of people.
Mike: Oh, you mean like a Wretched Hive of scum and villainy?
When a patron of the casino pops a bottle of champagne, you realize what part of this movie the guys are not going to be letting go anytime soon:
Mike: Green tiddy milk for Luke.
Bill jokes that the "frog-nuns" have taken to Twitter to complain about Rey blowing a hole in one of their national landmarks, and have turned the whole Internet against her.
- After Rey accidentally knocks a chunk of rock on the Caretakers' wheelbarrows, they joke that the frog-nuns will really let the think-pieces fly now.
Luke recalls how it was a Jedi who was responsible for the training and creation of Darth Vader. Mike retorts that the Jedi was Jar-Jar.
Rey needs someone to show her her place in all of this:
Kevin: And whether I'm a pod-racer, or a background bounty hunter who never has any lines...
Towards the end of the Canto Bight sequence, Kevin jokes that there's little pay-off to this set piece, but they've filmed too much of it to cut now.
When Luke accesses the Force in the dead of the night:
Mike: Late-night green milk cravings, I get it man!
During Kylo Ren's version of the night he turned on Luke, he sees Luke standing ominously above him:
Mike (as Luke): You ate all the Mallomars!!
Rey falls into the Dark Side sea cave:
Bill: Yeah, then she runs into Dumbledore still drinking out of that clam shell, going crazy...
When Rey clenches her fist, Bill jokes that she's doing the Arthur's fist meme.
Before Luke angrily rips open Rey's hut with the Force:
Bill (as Luke): YOU ate all my Mallomars too, too?!? Can I please have a padawan who will leave my special treats alone?!
At the end of Luke's flashback to the night with Kylo Ren, Mike quips that it was the worst Life Day ever.
Yoda's wisdom is questioned by Kevin:
Yoda: The greatest teacher, failure is.
Kevin: If that's true, how come these are no better than Lucas' original prequels?
Finn, Rose, and DJ steal some First Order uniforms.
Kevin: It always comes down to sneaking into the Wicked Witch's castle, doesn't it?
Mike: Yes, except now the Cowardly Lion is a small orange ball I want to destroy with a fire axe.
Kevin snarks that he appreciates Poe completely ignoring C-3PO.
Bill takes a knock at the Seasonal Rot of The Walking Dead.
Commander D'Acy: Let's hope this works.
Bill: 'Cause I'm not even enjoying Walking Dead anymore, but I wanna see how it ends.
Mike claims that Snoke plans to kill Luke by drowning him in a giant silo of chocolate ice cream.
When Kylo rears to apparently kill Rey:
Kevin: Sorry, but he'll totally ground me if I don't do it.
When Ren impales Snoke.
Mike: His true enemy was Snoke's spleen.
The guys wonder why Snoke's Praetorian Guard keeps fighting, as they figured it'd be a Wicked Witch's guards-type scenario, where they gift Rey and Ren with Snoke's yellowing back brace or something.
Kevin: Why are these guys still fighting? If someone cut my boss in half, I'd thank them, grab a box of office supplies, and bounce!
When Ren is Force-choking Hux:
Hux: Long live the Supreme Leader.
Mike as Hux: Me! (chokes even more) I was kidding! Geez!
When Finn and Rose return to the Resistance and call off their attack:
Leia: Finn?!?
Kevin: Resume shooting!!
Mike remarks on Poe's vernacular:
Poe: Let's just hope that big-ass door holds.
Mike: Yeah, "big-ass" was a common word a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Bill jokes about how the Resistance pilots are still following Poe despite his less than successful track record in the movie. He then follows it up with a snark about how the First Order's walkers have totally been proven to be invincible before.
When Ren gives the order to go after the Resistance's pilots.
Mike as Ren: Do it, or else... chokey chokey!
When the Porg comically splatters on the window of the Falcon, Mike jokes that next we'll get a scene of the Porg buying a Funko Pop Porg.
When Rose saves Finn:
Mike (as Rose): Now we can die together!
Rose: That's how we're gonna win. Not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love.
Kevin: Like how Eisenhower planned D-Day because he loved Omaha Beach so much!
(Rose kisses Finn)
Mike (as Finn): Yeah, we met like... yesterday?
Kevin: Yeah, they're all gonna die, but at least they saved some hideous mule-things.
When the hooded Luke arrives:
Mike: Ah, they're going to be saved by the world's biggest Jawa. *makes a deep voice* Wootini!!!
When Luke kisses Leia's forehead:
Bill: That's the one spot where she never washed off the Jabba the Hutt residue.
Mike lampshades their callback to the A New Hope riff, that you can find on a Google Doc transcript of their riffs.
When the First Order opens fire on Luke, Mike jokes that countless womp-rats are now avenged. Bill-As-Hux also orders the First Order to stop the attack to leave some of Luke for the Ewoks.
Ren hilariously knocks Hux into the wall with the Force:
Bill: The Brain had more respect for Pinky!
During the conversation between Luke and Leia:
Kevin: Okay, there is where I got kicked out of the theater for chanting —
Kevin and Bill: KISS AGAIN! KISS AGAIN!
This awkward line:
Luke: And I will not be the last Jedi!
Bill: Ah, reminds me of my favorite line from The Empire Strikes Back: "Boy, the Empire sure is striking back, huh?"
Kevin: (Sarcasm Mode) Vague line.

Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

The guys come up with a bunch of jumbled titles, one of the funniest being "Episode ix" by Kevin.
Disembaudio lampshades that the show's app basically puts him out of a job.
Mike says this film must be a parody because there's no way this franchise is still going. They're in denial for a few minutes until the episode's title starts.
The guys really aren't happy about the late Carrie Fisher being brought back by deleted footage and keep cracking disses at the filmmakers for it.
After Kylo Ren slaughters a bunch of Mustafarians:
Mike as Kylo: Thanks for coming to my birthday party.
When Palpatine speaks to Kylo in the voices of the past Sith Lords, he follows up Vader with the voices of Bugs Bunny, Droopy, and Peter Lorre!
When Chewie is playing holo-chess with Poe and Finn:
Bill: Hey folks, remember this slop you've before? Eat it up, hogs!
During Rey's run on the training course, Bill shrugs and begins singing the Benny Hill chase theme.
Bill dryly notes that as big a fanboy as Kylo is, he's probably had sex with Vader's helmet. Mike and Kevin are appropriately disgusted.
When Rey is confiding her feelings in Leia:
Bill as Leia: How do you think I feel? I died two years ago! (Kevin and Mike react with apprehension)
Rey: I think I'm just tired.
Bill as Leia: Just tired, huh? Try being dead! (Kevin and Mike again cringe)
When Rey hears a report that the Falcon has returned, the guys say that the MCU crossovers forced by Disney have begun!
When Poe reveals the return of Palpatine:
Poe: Somehow, Palpatine returned.
Mike: And he's calling himself the Sheevster now.
Kevin as R2-D2: (after the huge odds against the gang are laid out) Team Sith, baby!
When Rey explains Luke's quest for Exegol, Kevin says the quest took place before he got hopelessly addicted to green titty milk!
The guys are bemused at how quickly Rose got Demoted to Extra seemingly to appease the fans who didn't like her in The Last Jedi.
Mike as Rose: Yeah seems like I was a major character, but guess not.
The Sith chimp who repairs Kylo's helmet gets a reaction out of the guys who identify him as Caesar from Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Kylo tosses Boolio's decapitated head on the First Order meeting table:
Mike as Kylo: I brought something for dinner.
A First Order leader is against allying with the Final Order since they sound like a cult.
Mike: We allied with PETA?
During the Aki-Aki Festival of the Ancestors:
Kevin as the party-goers: Hail Cthulu!!
When we see the baby aliens enjoying a puppet show, it turns out the guys can't help themselves and also are charmed by a certain green little guy:
Mike: Baby Yoda makes them all look like dog crap.
Mike suggests... another reason that Palpatine wants Rey dead.
Mike as Kylo: He's jealous because he's always been the pretty, popular one.
The gang tries to flee to... the White Claw tent.
Lando's return:
Lando: Wookies stand out in a crowd!
Mike (as Chewie): You insulted me, old man!?? I'm gonna kill you!!
When Lando says the "bad feeling" line, Mike tries to bail out of the recording, but Kevin and Bill force him to stay and endure it.
Bill is not letting Carrie Fisher's inclusion go.
Leia: This mission is everything, we cannot fail.
Bill as Leia: I mean if this mission fails, I am dead. (Kevin and Mike once again cringe)
The guys get some prequel references in, quoting Anakin's infamous sand line as well as "hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo".
As the guys watch Rey force-heal the serpent with copious lens flares, Mike dryly notes it's been too long since the last lens flare as a reference to J.J. Abrams as director.
When Poe orders Chewie to go retrieve Rey, Bill snarks that yes, having a guy in a forty pound suit run across the desert instead of texting Rey is a great idea.
The Knights of Ren watch Chewie and decide that since they don't have any trees for their axes, they'll settle for chopping up the "Yeti"!
Kevin (as Knight of Ren 1): Well, we got an axe and there's no trees here...
Bill (as Knight of Ren 2): Chop up the yeti?
Kevin (as Knight of Ren 1): Chop up the yeti.
Rey watching Kylo's ship approaching from a distance:
Kevin: This is like when your app says "Your Uber is approaching" for the last ten minutes.
When Rey and Kylo have the tug-of-war over the ship that apparently has Chewie, Mike says he's going to try using the Force on the next plane he's late for.
When Chewie appears to have died, Mike says that Art Carney immediately makes a move on Malla. Kevin has Finn scream at Rey that they all know Chewie didn't really die.
When Finn asks Rey to confide in him, Mike says that BB-8 is shipping them. Mike also takes a jab at the film for it's pretty mediocre score on Rotten Tomatoes.
During the group's trip through a bar, Mike lampshades that we've got another Wretched Hive of scum, villainy... and a large bear-like alien that baffles him. Kevin says that now we've got brand synergy with Disney's Country Bear Jamboree.
- Then they translate Babu Frik's alien speak to say that his wife was eaten by the bear-alien in the bar and he's traumatized.
Stormtrooper: Stop right there!
Kevin: Stop, or we'll miss!
When Finn says it's a bad time to reveal what he was going to tell Rey in the desert, Bill muses that the whole last hour of the film has been a bad time.
Hux revealing he's the spy in the First Order:
Mike: Oh, of course, he killed billions of people in the first film as part of his cover! ^note
Bill says Palpatine put a hit on Rey because he knew Daisy Ridley would one day star in the Peter Rabbit adaptation.
When Pryde reveals he found out Hux is the spy:
Kevin as Pryde: We found him because he yelled "I'm the spy!"
Rey says the remains of the Death Star II are the remnants of an old, evil war... but Bill says at least it was from a better movie.
As Rey deciphers the location of the Sith Wayfinder, Kevin says that if Rey was Nicholas Cage, he'd have immediately figured out that the Sith were the true power behind the James K. Polk administration.
As a sinister strings version of "The Imperial March" plays as Rey enters the emperor's throne room aboard the remains of the Death Star II, Mike jokes that it's not the score, but the Death Star's soundtrack player still going at it thirty years later.
During Rey and Kylo's duel, Mike says that nobody is winning because neither of them has the high ground. When Rey uses the Force to shove Finn back about fifty feet, Kevin says it was perfect for his protection.
Chewie's reaction to Leia's death:
Bill as Chewie: Porgs! Porgs! I wanna eat some roasted porgs and I want some now!
When Han disappears:
Mike: He left to go get a pack of cigarettes... in hell. It's canon, he's in hell.
When the Final Order captain orders the destruction of Kijimi, Kevin says at least Star Wars is putting women in positions of power. As the planet is destroyed, Kevin lampshades the Mood Whiplash of the franchise, from cute droids to funny quips to billions of people dying.
Mike begs as Leia for Disney to let her rest in peace as Poe speaks to her body.
Never one to not mourn the long-dead Porkins, Kevin asks if Luke's ghost hand belongs to him.
Bill lampshades how slavishly fanservicey Luke lifting his X-wing out of the water is, comparing it to the equivalent of a swanky night at the Ritz-Carlton with a sexy maid waiting on you.
Mike and Kevin heckle Rose for appearing in and having lines in the scenes as the Resistance prepares to strike Exegol, still not letting go how badly she got Demoted to Extra.
As Finn and Jannah lead the ground invasion, Kevin proudly yells about how many horses they're gonna get killed. When Rose is seen joining the battle with them, Mike once again asks if she's actually supposed to be in the scene.
As Rey sees the fully assembled might of the Sith Eternal's ranks, the guys think they're ghosts and are grateful they don't have any ghost vuvuzuelas.
As Palpatine calls Rey his grandchild and declares her Empress, Kevin brings up the unfortunate question we've all had since the film's release:
Kevin: Can we back up to "grandchild"? Does that mean he's had sex? ^note
Kevin takes a diss at the Internet trolls who chased Kelly Marie Tran off social media:
Kevin: "Rose, please, go": a common sentiment among Internet trolls.
Palpatine: DO IT! Make the sacrifice!
Kevin: That's what I said before I spent six bucks to stream Detective Pikachu.
Kevin and Bill agree that "Welding Monkey" is too busy with tire-swinging season to make Ben another helmet.
As the Resistance begins crumbling under the Final Order's superior numbers, Bill says that if the saga ended here, he'd be a fan. Poe tearfully says there's too many of them, but Mike adds on that the Resistance crew is just too incompetent for them to have a shot.
Watto is among the voices of the Jedi past! The Jedi also ask her to get back up in honor of Unkar Plutt.
Since Palpatine's final attack is simply his Sith lightning, Mike lampshades that he's just mashing the buttons at this point. When Rey kills him with his redirected lightning, Mike jokes that he'll be dead... for about a few hours.
When Poe goes to rescue Finn and Jannah, Mike says that Billy Zane is holding a child and should be saved first. Kevin then calls Lando "cooler Han Solo".
Bill says Rey lost the will to live, but Mike immediately says they're not doing that anymore.
When Rey kisses Kylo/Ben, Mike says that it's just as plausible as when Eisenhower fell in love with Hitler.
During the shot of Bespin, Mike says that Lando bet on Emperor Palpatine, so Cloud City is now bankrupt. The Ewoks note they welcome all forms of human death. And then the guys mourn the absence of a celebration shot of the Gungans.
When Maz gives Chewie a medal, Chewie scoffs that it's about 30 years too late, "you old turnip".
Rey initially gives her name as "Rey Fisto" courtesy
As a Force ghost appears on the horizon, none other than our favorite hated character joins us for one last hurrah as a Call-Back to the ending of the Riff for The Force Awakens:
Kevin: Meesa very proud of you, Rey-Rey!

Anthology Series and Others

Rogue One

The guys getting flabbergasted at the lack of the usual beginning fanfare, title and text crawl.
The gang spends the intro to their riff of the first Star Wars anthology film pondering the origin story of Mike's microphone, and suggest expanding it into a trilogy, lampshading the fact they felt this movie was unnecessary (though their riffs aren't nearly as mean-spirited as their Prequel riffs, suggesting they enjoyed it anyway).
In the prologue, the guys lampshade that Krennic parked way too far away from the Erso household, forcing his crew to walk several meters on foot, by way of a Death Trooper named Derrick pointing it out repeatedly.
As Lyra holds Krennic at gunpoint and Krennic orders her to stand down:
Mike: Consider how well parents typically fare in this franchise...
- When Lyra is killed on Krennic's order.
  Kevin (as Krennic): What-what-No, not that! When I said "do it", I meant crank up the boombox, so I could convince her with my rap, you moron!
As a Death Trooper finds Jyn's discarded Stormtrooper doll:
Kevin: Of course. Little girls love to play with symbols of their oppression!
As Saw Gerrera opens up the tunnel Jyn is hiding in:
Mike (as Jyn): This toilet is occupied! This toilet is occupied!
- Saw takes Jyn with him:
  Mike: ROAD TRIIIIIIIIIP!!! Also sorry you saw your mom die.
The interpretation of Cassian as a sexually repressed psychopath who blatantly plots to kill Galen while Jyn is present.
The guys lampshade how lame Jyn is for getting busted for resisting arrest, and turn it into the main Running Gag of the riff, bringing it up infrequently.
The gang is as bemused by the CGI Tarkin as you'd expect.
Tarkin: (turns around, causing the guys to react in disgust) We've heard word of rumors circulating through the city. Apparently you've lost a rather talkative cargo pilot.
Kevin (as Tarkin): Have you tried looking in the uncanny valley?
- Later, the guys have the ghost of Peter Cushing asks Disney to not show his nether regions since he's still got living great-grandchildren. Disney laughs him off, claiming they own him now and can do as they please with his likeness.
K2-SO is described as "Eeyore if he was a homicidal robot."
After Jyn tells Cassian that she "found" her blaster.
K2-SO: I find that answer vague and unconvincing.
Kevin: Like Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist.
They manage to turn "Stardust" into an Embarrassing Nickname:
Mike (as Jyn): Look, I danced under that name one time!
As Jyn's dad dies from wounds from a Rebel bombing run...
Mike: He lost the will to live... Also, that giant bomb hit him.
Vader's back, and the gang really lets him have it.
- When Vader begins getting out of his bacta tank:
  Bill: So Darth Vader hangs out in a goo tube? Who says prequels ruin the mystique?
- As Vader makes his grand entrance:
  Kevin: This better be good; draining that goo tube ain't cheap!
- The guys go below the belt with this one.
Krennic: Lord Vader.
Kevin (as Vader): Please, my father was Lord Vader, call me "Ani"!
- Vader has some apologies to make.
  Darth Vader: My apologies—
  Kevin (as Vader): For everything I did and said before I wore this suit!
- Bill says what we're all thinking when he predicts Vader is about to give Krennic a Force wedgie.
- Regarding the infamous pun:
  Vader: Be careful not to choke on your aspirations, director.
  Kevin: Darth's been taking an online quipping workshop taught by Mr. Freeze.
On Admiral Raddus:
Admiral Raddus: If she's telling the truth, we have to act now!
Kevin: The mackerel's right!
When Jyn sarcastically asks if the Rebellion should give up, the riffers as some rebels yell from the background "sounds good to me!"
- Then Jyn says the Rebellion should send their best troops. Bill fires back that all the troops suck.
Bail mentions how Obi-Wan served him well during the Clone Wars:
Mike: Back when we were all animated.
As the rebels get their copy of the Death Star plans:
Bill: The fate of a society that has mastered light speed travel hinges on a zip disc.
- When the rebels are trapped thanks to a jammed door, Mike predicts the next prequel will be about the guy who forgot to oil the door.
Vader's rampage is even better here:
Kevin (as Vader): (hiding in a bunch of dark smoke) *fart noise* Um, that was Tarkin.

Bill (as Vader): Varth Dater, bitches!!! ...Oh, dammit, I screwed it up. Can I come back?
- As Vader starts his rampage, we get a Brick Joke concerning the Bacta Tank several scenes ago: "GOO POWER!".
- When an unfortunate rebel is Force-lifted up to the ceiling:
  Mike: He's holding us like he did by the lake on Naboo, to death!
- When the last rebel in the hallway begs his comrades on the other side of the door to take the Death Star plans with Vader only steps away:
  Bill: Take it before he Force pulls it away from me like he did those guns, which frankly I'm surprised he didn't do immediately!
- As Vader watches the Tantive IV get away:
  Kevin (as Vader): Ugh, cannot believe that idiot hit his head on the doorframe back there...
Regarding the CGI Princess Leia:
Mike: The ghost of Peter Cushing is saying "Whoa, I got off easy."

Solo

Continuing on from Rogue One, the guys immediately express bewilderment at the new opening text.
The main Running Gag of the riff is Alden Ehrenreich's apparently punchable face.
When we see Han scrounging for his life during the hellfire of the Battle of Mimban and watches his comrades be massacred by their opponents:
Mike: Geez, who knew Porgs were so vicious?
When Beckett mentions Crimson Dawn, the guys surmise that it's the name of a stripper. When Beckett mentions Dryden Vos, they conclude that that's definitely a stripper.
When Lando exits the Falcon and joins the battle raging outside on Kessel.
Bill: (exasperated) This Is America.
When Chewie and the Wookies begin loading the coaxium aboard the Falcon, the guys lampshade that it's a good thing the crew freed the Wookies from slavery... only to force them to do heavy labor.
When Maul returns:
Maul: One man couldn't have done this alone.
Bill: Yeah, unless he was some sort of phantom menace!
- Mike jokes that Maul got "Elmer's Glued" back together.
When Han first meets Beckett's crew:
Val: Well, now we've got to shoot him.
Beckett: No.
Bill (as Beckett): Let him shoot first, or the fans will bitch about it for decades.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

During the intro:
Announcer: Introducing Chewbacca's family!
Mike: And many a scream-yourself-awake nightmare!
When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:
Luke: Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family.
Mike: What I meant to say is, "RUN, it's Chewbacca's family!"
During the scene where Lumpy watches a holographic circus thing with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is Funny:
(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.)
Bill: Well, it was inevitable. Someday I knew the moment would come when I had to gouge my own eyes out. This is it!
Mike: No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of other moments coming up. Be a shame to let those go to waste.
Bill: Good point.
(Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.)
Bill: (sarcastic) Wookies love this.
Kevin: Like his single leather boot there. (pause) This is the very same scene that is playing on a constant loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. (Beat) Explains the smile, y'know.
(The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some Dr. Seuss-like trumpet.)
Mike: Elton John would give everything he owned if this were only a real device.
(The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.)
Bill: Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp.
Kevin: Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"?
Bill: Music to go mad by!
Mike: (on the lead acrobat) I'd love to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he really wanted to do with his life.
Bill: "No, seriously?!"... (a few seconds pass) Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys.
Kevin: If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay?
Bill: ...yes.
Mike: You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!"
Bill: Kinda kill the moment. (a few seconds pass) I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird.
Kevin: Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em!
Bill: No sirree.
Mike: (exasperated by the lead acrobat) Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just leave us alone?!
Bill: (noticing Lumpy's avid grin) There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed!
Kevin (as the lead acrobat): And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show!
Mike (as Malla): Would you turn off that stupid video game?!
Bill (as Lumpy): It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game system!
During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:
Bill: Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a furry, and you're watching this right now; are you turned on?
Kevin: (horrified) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry?
Mike: Stay right where you are, Murphy!
Bill: It was just a question!
Bill's apparent "lashing out" at Elton John:
Gormaanda: ...I would suggest then that old popular holiday favorite, the bantha rump!
Bill: (chuckles) So would Elton John.

Then:

Kevin: Takes a special kind of man to eat raw bantha loin.
Bill: Yeah. Elton John.
Mike: Would you please.

Later:

Bill: "Beat, beat, beat, stir, whip", a phrase heard all too often around Sir Elton John's house.
Mike: Alright, what is it with you?
Bill: Look, I'm sorry. Not too long ago, I accidentally heard "Island Girl", so I'm just... lashing out, I guess.
Mike: Ah, well, that makes... complete sense. Lash away.

While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":
Mike: You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, at least it's not Rachael Ray.
- On the topic of Wookiees enjoying English-language cooking shows.
Bill: So... Wookiees prefer English-language cooking shows? They don't speak a word of it but prefer them far and away over Wookiee programming.
Kevin: That's a good question, Bill. Here, let me check my, uh, first edition Star Wars Encyclopedia. Okay, here it is. It says "why do Wookiees prefer English-language programming when they don't speak a word of it? That's a good question." And then it says, "Hey, look over there!". And then it points and I look, and when I turn back around, it's gone. Huh, that was no help at all.
Mike: Not at all. Huh.
Kevin: What kind of a book is this?
- Followed by:
  Mike: Uh, you sure this aired during the family hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten...
- Then:
  Kevin: Yeah, my brother owns a bantha ranch so I'm all set but you poor saps, you're gonna have to use canned bantha! (laughs, then sobs) I'm sorry, guys. I'm just trying to get into the spirit of the thing.
  Mike: And we appreciate it. Now stop it.
  Kevin: Okay...
On seeing Darth Vader for the first time:
Kevin: Hey, it's Chad! He said he'd never work with me again!^note
When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:
Mike (as Itchy): Don't worry, son, they can't shoot straight, and they're easy to kill!
Mike misinterprets the lyrics to Jefferson Starship's song:
Jefferson Starship: Will you light the sky on fire?
Mike: Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not!
- Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
- Turns into a Brick Joke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.
  Bill: This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!
At the conclusion of the animated short:
Bill: Han! All the blood ran to your chin!
When a Cantina patron played by Harvey Korman pours a drink into the hole on top of his head:
Mike: Well, what do you know? It's not every day you seen the stupidest thing you've ever seen.
This exchange:
Kevin: So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced George Lucas underground and his creation Star Wars was never heard from again, right?
Mike: Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made and it has more devotees than many major religions.
Bill: Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical wormhole that broke Kevin's mic!
During one commercial bumper:
Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment!
Bill: Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office!
This little addition to Princess Leia's song:
Leia: ♪That one day we'll be free...♪
Mike (as Leia): To mouth-kiss our siblings with impunity!
During Leia's song:
C-3PO: R2, My Eyes Are Up Here!
During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:
C-3PO: Star Wars - you and your children loved it!
Bill: Then tonight happened.
When Ackmena is trying to get her customers to leave.
Ackmena: Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! The party's OVER now!
Bill: Party's over! THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!
During the cantina scene:
Ackmena: (to a Rodian) Now please leave!
Kevin: Before you get Greedo'd!
During a CBS newsbreak:
Bill: This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special.
- The newscaster scribbles something down:
  Bill: "What's a five-letter word for 'Inept sci-fi director?'"
Mike: "All your base are belong to Lumpy."
After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:
Bill (as Itchy): There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it Death Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots.
The guys' reactions to the family's roars and groans.
Lumpy: RIVRIVRAVRAVRIVRIVRAVRAV
Bill: Dear God, the kid's part-garbage disposal.
Kevin: In other words, a lot like the German language. Only a little prettier.
- When Lumpy is at it again later, the guys are heard audibly losing it.
When Han tricks a Stormtrooper into a Railing Kill.
Bill: This moment brought to you by the Wilhelm Scream.
During Diahann Carroll's number:
Kevin: Hey, they stole the Family Affair background! Wait until Mr. French finds out about this!
Mike: They'll find out why they call him "Mr. French".
(long Beat)
Bill: (giggling) I don't know what that means!
- During the same number, Mike lists Diahann Carroll's numerous accolades, finishing with:
  Mike: Now she's servicing a Wookie! This is just sad!
Later during the song:
Mike: I have to remember this for the next time I'm celebrating Sucking The Life Out Of Me Day.
During Chewbacca's Flashback Montage Out:
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, Chewbacca's lifeless stare!
(Kevin cracks up.)
Kevin: Oh, hey, he's flashing back to that fun little sci-fi movie whose legacy they've just irrevocably tainted.
Mike: Well, if this takes up time that would have otherwise gone to another Harvey Korman bit, I'm all for it.
Kevin: Uh, so why are all of Chewbacca's memories from the perspective of someone observing Chewbacca?
Mike: Why do none of his memories involve his family in any way?
Bill: I'm not following. How can you tell this is his memories?
Mike: Well, there's a blue memory mist covering 2/3 of the screen.
Bill: Huh. Hadn't noticed. It's a subtle effect.
(Chewbacca's memories somehow recall the duel between Darth Vader and Obi-Wan.)
Kevin: Sitting at home, feeling smug, Sir Alec Guinness suddenly Spit Takes his martini!
When the first commercial appears.
Kevin: (on seeing Willie Rawles, GM employee) ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?
The Fruit of the Loom commercial:
Mike (as lady): Ah, it's the Fruit of the Loom! There's an apple, and grapes, and... what the hell is that, tobacco?!
- The old lady plucking the grape:
  Bill: Ahh! That wasn't a grape, lady!
Kevin: We interrupt these commercials to bring you a longer, weirder commercial!
When Ackmina starts a dance in the cantina to get everyone out
Bill Ah yes, the pied-piper like appeal of a mannish old crone.
During a commercial break, the channel logo appears:
Announcer: This is CBS.
Bill: Please don't hold it against us.
"It's the Itchy and Lumpy Shooooow!"
The jokes during the promos for other CBS shows:
Announcer: Start your Sunday evening viewing with 60 Minutes.
(Shot of Edith Bunker)
Mike: Ah, Morley Safer looks terrible!
- In a promo for John Huston's The Bible:
  Kevin: And next week, the Tibetian Book of the Dead.
- In a promo for a short-lived series:
  Kevin: Flying High: We don't even have a Wikipedia page! ^note It does now.
Mike seamlessly adding on to the TrailTracker's marketing jingle with the most honest possible assessment of the toy:
Ad: Take a crayon, draw a line, the TrailTracker van will follow behind!
Mike: It'll be fun for approximately, 3.7 se-conds!
Making fun of an "audience reaction" promo for The Wiz.
Announcer: The Wiz is...
Mike: Gimmicky!
Kevin: Forgettable!
Announcer: The Wiz is...
Bill: Off-putting!
Mike: Destined to age poorly!
Announcer: The Wiz is...
Kevin: Certified rotten on the Tomatometer!
Bill: Bad, except for Nipsey Russell.
Announcer: The Wiz: it's joy, it's laughter, it's music!
Mike: It's written by the director of Batman & Robin.
A commercial for the action movie The Wild Geese:
Announcer: The Wild Geese!
Mike: Prequel to The Wild Geese Holiday Special!
- At the end of the commercial:
Announcer: Now playing at these select theaters.
Mike: All three would be closed within days.
When R2 and 3PO show up at the end:
C-3PO: It's at times like this that R2 and I wish that we were more than just mechanical beings.
Mike (as R2): Speak for yourself, Turing Test flunker!
When C-3PO adresses the crowd of Wookies dressed in their Life Day robes:
C-3PO: Happy Life Day, everyone!
Mike (as Wookie): He's not wearing a robe!
Kevin (as Wookie): Destroy the heathen!
Bill (as Wookie): Kill him!
Ackmina speaks to a short furry creature.
Ackmina: ... Wait, I don't think we met.
Mike (as creature): I played your mother for seven seasons.
Imperial Officer: Go clean up your room.
Bill: Cower before Darth Babysitter!
As the Cantina band leaves for the night:
Ackmena: You're such a dear friend...
Mike (as band member): You have never made eye contact with me, actually.
During an ad for a Bobby Vinton variety special:
Announcer: From the creators of Donny And Marie, it's like Grease on wheels!
Mike: (chuckling) Funny what passed for "selling points" back then.
During a commercial for a toy robot named Tobor:
Narrator: (ominously) Tobor is under your control.
Kevin: (ominously) Yes, that's exactly what Tobor wants you to think.
- And, of course, the Call-Back after cutting to Chewbacca's vacant stare:
  Mike: (as Mala) Chewie, snap out of it! Lumpy's opening up his Tobor!
During an ad for Anacin pain reliever:
Woman 1: Sue! What's wrong?
Woman 2: Oh, one of those headaches.
Mike (as Woman 1): No, I meant with your face.
They have a lot of fun with the imperial officer in the scene that introduces Art Carney's character.
Kevin: Hey, it's Lord Helmet!
Bill: Evil Ned Flanders approves!
The commercial for the Reggie! candy bar begins with historic footage of Reggie Jackson in the 1977 World Series:
Mike: No! Don't show this! No, I taped it, I haven't watched it yet!
Announcer: An outstanding World Series: three homeruns in one game!
Mike: Oh, great, thanks a lot. Can we just get a little spoiler alert next time?

Funny / RiffTrax — Star Wars

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Funny / RiffTrax — Star Wars

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