Funny / Retsupurae: slowbeef and Diabetus Other

Retsupurae's very own slowbeef and Diabetus has accumulated so many funny moments that it even broke the page that was meant exclusively for their account. This page will instead hold other non-Retsupurae moments.

Go back to the main funny page

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Examples (in alphabetical order):

Crappy Pastas

• Blood Pichu has a few good moments.
  • The picture of the titular 'Blood Pichu': official art of a Pichu, complete with cutesy smile, badly photoshopped a bright red.
    Mr. DJB: Look at it, and despair.
  • The author claims to own nearly every Pokemon game ever - including several lines wasted just to list off every mainline game that existed at the time - and know a lot about the series, but he makes several mistakes, such as describing Pichu as a Generation 3 Pokemon, having a Pichu use the Ghost-type version of the move Curse (without any comment or indication that this was intentional like the Pichu showing up in the first place), and the narrator's Pidgeot knowing a Gen 3 move in a Gen 1 game. DJB comments on all of these, claiming that his "inner Pokémon nerd" is screaming out at them.
  • At one point, Slowbeef's wife walks into the recording, giving us this sentence:
    slowbeef: I'm sorry, dear. I'm reading Pokemon horror stories for the internet.
    slowbeef's wife: (in a "creepy" voice) I gotta go.
    [Everyone in the stream cracks up]
    Mr. DJB: Your wife thinks you're a loser!
    slowbeef: Nah, she knew.
  • Near the end, where the story takes a ludicrous twist, Mr. DJB catches a Jigglypuff, and names it what we're all thinking: WHAT?!???! He then compares EntranceJew's absurd demon voice to Bane. Really, all parts with the demon voice are funny.
• Crappy Pasta, a video where slowbeef reads Sonic.exe, a Creepypasta Sonic the Hedgehog story, where the most scary descriptions that the author could come up with were in reference to other video games, e.g. "Sonic's laugh sounded just like Kefka from Final Fantasy VI." The whole thing is made more surreal by the footage it's accompanying: a livestream of Diabetus playing Mario 2 late at night after a few drinks. It also led to this image◊.
• Crappy Pasta II, New Super Mario Bros. 2: Ihsoy where the author abuses Sdrawkcab Name every chance he gets, the main villain turns out to be Reznor of all things, and the final battle is laden with corny action movie banter and just-as-corny Ironic Echoes.
  • Slowbeef remarking how slow the beginning of the story is:
    "Gee, even the Sonic guy knew how to get to the fucking point."
  • The author's plan to save money by buying the retail copy of the game, which costs $1 less than the digital copy, backfires when he gives a GameStop employee a $3 tip.
    slowbeef: (snickering) Why'd you tip a GameStop employee?
  • Slowbeef's constant corpsing whenever someone gets possessed, especially during Oiram's first appearance. At several points, he sounds like he's in tears.
  • The narration spells out the obvious several times.
    "I beat the level with 2 star coins, 666 coins, and 333 seconds remaining. (By the way, 2 divided into 666 is 333)"
  • It also includes this hilariously narmy line:
    "This was the first point I considered giving up on the game, but curiosity killed the cat, didn’t it? Or, in this case, curiosity killed everyone."
  • When backwards names go too far: "Hcaep Ssecnirp," officially pronounced "Hu-cay-ep sec-nerp".
  • This line.
    "Bowser fought off Igiul, Ihsoy, and Hcaep Ssecnirp until they just left for a while."
  • The author's definition of scary is... limited.
    "The creepiest part about it was that the bridge had a few blood stains on it here and there."
  • The Reveal of the main villain:
    slowbeef: 'At this point, I thought, "Wow. Reswob has striking resemblance to Reznor."'... Reznor?
    Diabetus: Trent Reznor or Mario World Reznor?
    slowbeef: I think it's Mario World Reznor... Who is Mario World Reznor?
    Diabetus: Those rotating rhinos, in all the fortresses.
    slowbeef: (beat) Oh god. Ohhh my god.
  • The above moment also makes zero sense, even for this story, since the narrator points out early on that the game didn't call the characters the ludicrous backwards names, the narrator just called them that for reasons.
  • The story gets way too into the details of getting the game, down to registering it with Club Nintendo.
• Crappy Pasta III, Blood Whistle, where a man plays a "spooky" ROM Hack of Super Mario Bros 3, featuring the obligatory blood and death. He becomes more depressed at Mario's painful plight than is reasonable for a normal human, to the point where he admits he considers Mario an actual living, breathing human being with emotions. And it ends with him somehow killing himself with a recorder. All set to footage of Diabetus playing Super Mario All Stars.
  • The first thing slowbeef sees of the Blood Whistle page is a badly edited picture, which causes him and Diabetus to burst into hysterics.
  • The first couple of updates are written normally, but as soon as the author finds the titular blood whistle, he apparently goes insane, thinks Mario is a real person, crosses the Despair Event Horizon, and starts writing in absurd Purple Prose.
  • The narrator writes a very drawn out description of the Blood Whistle's treasure room, describing the surroundings and the music in great detail, and then casually mentions that Toad's head was cracked open and pouring blood, which caused the floor to become 'slippery like an ice stage'.
    Diabetus: Again, he puts the most important details second. 'The music was slightly changed-Toad's head was split open'.
  • Blood Whistle's Narrator's ridiculous reaction to World 8. Despite Mario urging the Narrator to stay alive, as the Narrator is safe and can't be hurt by the game, the Narrator goes about writing a suicide note and kills himself anyway.
  • Through fortunate timing, the narrator finds the Blood Whistle right as Diabetus uses the Warp Whistle.
  • The author's ridiculous description of the Blood Whistle's appearance:
    slowbeef: "A blood-soaked warp whistle ominously rose from what I now believe to be the deepest crevice of Hell." *They crack up*
    Diabetus: Hell's not very creative.
    slowbeef: Oh my god, Satan's own Mario Warp Whistle!
  • At one point, the author wonders if the hack was made by the Illuminati, of all things.
  • The author frequently describes details that are not possible due to the NES's technical limitations, prompting Diabetus to shout "8-bit!" at several points. However, at one single moment in the story the author mentions that "technical limitations" hindered the presentation of the scene, despite the fact that they didn't seem to hinder it before or after the author says this.
  • The Blood Whistle apparently works by stabbing Mario in the chest and dragging him off to where he needs to go. This happens a ludicrous number of times in a short period, to the point that slowbeef once jokingly interrupts himself with "and then the blood whistle came and stabbed Mario in the chest", only for it to actually happen two or three sentences later, with nearly the exact same wording as his joke.
• Crappy Pasta IV is based on Mega Man's "The Yellow Devil." The author seems to consider blood the most inherently frightening thing ever, to the point of being ignorant that robots don't bleed.
  • At one point, this happens:
    slowbeef: 'The screeching noise got even louder as the giant yellow blob spat Mega Man out and revealed a mangled, ripped apart-'
    Diabetus: [quickly] Blood.
    slowbeef: '-blood dre-'
    [slowbeef and Diabetus lose it]
    slowbeef: Well done, well done.
    Diabetus: (clapping at his own foresight, promptly getting hit in-game)
  • Later, the game makes the narrator's ears bleed with a high-pitched screeching sound. He still thinks the game's just hacked.
  • "He puked a Mega Man boss!"
  • The resolution which has the author claiming he quickly got over his traumatic experience through therapy, but still has nightmares and hallucinations and continues to play Mega Man games.
• Crappy Pasta V takes a look at "Mega Man 2: The Ladder to Hell", where the author plays a demonic Mega Man 2 cartridge given to him by his deceased brother. The ending alone makes it all worth it.
  • Early on in the video, slowbeef and Diabetus mock the Mood Whiplash of the story moving on quickly from the brother's demise to Mega Man 2:
    slowbeef: He got over his dead brother pretty quick...
    Diabetus: I mean, it's Mega Man 2, it's classic...
    slowbeef: "I can't believe Brandon killed himsel—OH MY GOD, VIDEO GAMES!
    Diabetus: "SWEET!"
  • The Call-Back to the second episode and "curiosity killed everyone".
  • Also, the point where the deceased brother (who is somehow talking to the narrator through the game) responds to "why are you doing this to me" by bluntly telling him to kill himself.
  • Not this line itself, but the way Slowbeef says it.
    slowbeef: Well, it seems— But why did Dr. Wily have to suffer, is my question?
• Crappy Pasta VI: My Girlfriend is Mega Man 2 revolves around "Tracy: A Mega Man Ghost Story", wherein the narrator buys a cheap copy of Mega Man 3 from Goodwill, only to find that a neglected girl lies within it.
  • The hilarious part of the girl's backstory comes when, after a particularly abusive interaction, she snaps and beats her parents to death with an NES controller before offing herself.
    Diabetus: No blood details?
    slowbeef: There was blood on the controller.
  • It also includes the line "There are better ways to make a friend than torturing them!"
  • Then there's the end where Tracy ends up making the narrator become as much of an isolated shut-in as her, and being his only friend from then on, which sounds less like a creepy horror story and more like the setup to a Romantic Comedy Light Novel.
• I HATE YOU. Once again, the author's idea of 'scary' is to slather everything in blood, only this time there's the added bonus of mediocre sprite edits. There are frequent reminders of things that happen just moments earlier in the story, the writing switches into Purple Prose from time to time, and many of the events in the story are described as "brilliant" and "a nice touch", leading slowbeef and his guests (Cybershell and voiceofdog) to believe the author's talking about his own writing rather than the game developer's design. Some specific moments that stand out include...
  • The fact that the author decides to unnecessarily describe his habits of downloading (and then printing?) pornography.
  • "OH GOD NO"; a stage name that somehow doesn't faze the narrator at all, who compares it to the names of the stages in the Special World.
    Cybershell: Similar names to 'OH GOD NO'?! You know, like 'Tubular' is just the same as 'OH GOD NO'!
  • The edited mouths of the Big Boos which voiceofdog describes as "vagina mouths".
  • The return of 'slippery like an ice stage'.
  • The creator's repeated insistence that the game isn't a ROM Hack, but is actually an undiscovered plot element planted by Nintendo, is unintentionally funny in and of itself, especially since the narrator was playing a ROM, rather than an actual hard copy of the game.
  • The narration spells out the presence of a Hell Valley Sky Tree from Super Mario Galaxy 2 - which has absolutely no impact on the story.
  • At a few points in the reading, Cybershell's audio glitches out, causing feedback for slowbeef and voiceofdog.
  • Luigi of all characters turning out to be the Big Bad.
  • The kicker comes with the picture at the ending: Luigi's burnt corpse standing by Mario and Princess Peach, while Mario is looking mildly irritated and Peach is in tears. It's supposed to come across as creepy, but it Crosses the Line Twice instead. The riffing crew have a field day with this.
    Cybershell: You're ruining the picture, Luigi! Stop being dead!
• It Wasn't Lavender Town doesn't really have any particularly standout lines, but what makes it funny is how convoluted and confusing the writing is, to the point where nobody in the stream can figure out just what on earth the author is trying to do. The story randomly jumps between first and third person perspectives, and it's very unclear on whether the author is referring to the characters within the game, the audience, or themselves.
• Memory Card, a Metal Gear Solid creepypasta centered around looking up Naomi's skirt. Seriously.
  • You've heard of hyperrealistic blood. You've heard of hyperrealistic eyes. But have you ever heard of hyperrealistic vaginas? That bleed hyperrealistic blood? The highlight is when slowbeef attempts to read this part.
    slowbeef: I'm gonna try my best not to laugh. *very long pause* "I noticed the pussy was moving."
    Diabetus: *completely loses it laughing*
  • Not long before that, Diabetus makes a comment that catches slowbeef completely off-guard:
    "Thinking about pussy filled you with determination."
  • The narrator constantly talking as if looking up Naomi's skirt only to see nothing but shadow is a terrible disappointment that everyone can sympathize with.
  • The narrator's Insistent Terminology use of the word 'pussy'.
    slowbeef: He has no other synonyms for vagina, by the way. We got 'snatch' at one point, but it's just 'pussy' from here on out!
  • The fact that the narrator is more disturbed by a hyperrealistic vagina than images of a real boy getting tortured.
  • We get this gem near the end:
    slowbeef: "Out of nowhere, I found strength." *Diabetus laughs* "I watch as my a-"
    Diabetus: Wha- strength to do what?
    slowbeef: "I watch as my arm shot out from my body and hit the power button."
    Diabetus: What?
    slowbeef: Does he mean like...
    Diabetus: Like the Rocket Fist!
    slowbeef: *laughs* I was gonna say, yeah! "I forgot to mention I was Big Boss." *both laugh* Oh so this was Chapter 3 that was missing! Oh!
    Diabetus: *As Old Snake* "Sex has changed... and I don't get it."
    slowbeef: "Nothing like a little pussy to get you back in the game, right?"
• Nurse Joy, a story which suggests that all Nurse Joys are actually normal trainers who were turned into Nurse Joys through science. The process through which they are made are hilariously Narmy at best, and at worst, biologically impossible. Even by Pokemon standards.^note It involves removing almost all of their organs, and pouring Nurse Joy DNA directly into their brains.
  • The author goes into detail explaining how Nurse Joy Prime wants to take over the world with an army of Nurse Joys, and she transforms other trainers because cloning would be too conspicuous. In a world where cloned and modified Pokemon already exist (thus with the technology also theoretically being possible for humans), cloning people is much more suspicious than abducting and experimenting on children, after all.
  • At one point the author mentions how in the case of male trainers, Nurse Joy Prime likes to cut their testicles off and drink the blood out of them. The RPers are left positively creasing. As a result, Mr. DJB names the next Pokemon he catches "BALLBLOOD".
  • The story claims to be about the game, but it's pretty clear that it's based on the anime instead. Mr. DJB has fun making fun of this:
    slowbeef: "It all starts when you walk into the Pokémon Center. You walk up to her and see her bright pink hair. You greet her, and she has this pretty voice, that wasn't actually pretty to start with..."
    Mr. DJB: You don't hear anything, it's just dialogue. And her hair is gray, like everything is on a Game Boy!
    slowbeef: (still in the "creepy" reading voice) Now her voice is pretty!
    Mr. DJB: ...okay.
    slowbeef: (still in the voice) Just saying.
  • The real kicker comes when the narrator reveals his true identity... Chansey.
    Mr. DJB: How do we- how do we know what Chansey is saying? All it can say is its own name! ... Y'know if that creepypasta wanted to be more accurate, you'd go onto it and it'd just be a page of the word "Chansey" printed over and over and over.
• Oblivion (.txt?) is another Oblivion creepypasta, which somehow manages to be hilariously incompetent even by video game creepypasta standards. One line that stands out is "I shut off my computer except I didn't."
• The second Slowbeef's House of Horror video, Recipe of Death, features a creepypasta of, of all games, Cooking Mama. The idea alone is hilarious, but two moments stand out in particular: when Mama is described as horribly mangled in detail and wearing "the expression she does when you get a bronze medal" in the same sentence; and when the protagonist states after he vomits "in real life and ingame" that this meant "the real me and virtual me had a lot in common." A bonus at the end reveals that there are cuts in the video because these two moments caused slowbeef to laugh trying to read them.
• The inevitable result of all of the originally marked crappy pastas: Slowbeef's House of Horror, where slowbeef reads an Oblivion creepypasta complete with scarecam and creepy music.
  • "Scary" words highlighted from the story keep popping out, like "lag" and "Download", which soon turn into a Deadpan Snarker with phrases like "Try rebooting your router." and "Part 2: The Haunted End User License Agreement (coming soon!)"
    slowbeef: "I mounted the .ISO disc using Daemo— Demo— DEMON Tools..."
  • The Pasta's actual title is 0bl1v10n.exe, which slowbeef reads as "zero-bee-el-one-vee-one-zero-en" every time.
  • Then there was slowbeef's reaction to the protagonist's sudden mood change not long after his friend's death, which he witnessed.
    slowbeef: Your friend just died.
  • The protagonist describes himself as a hacker, but his grasp of anything related to hacking, or even simple computer knowledge, is extremely questionable. He seems to equate knowing how to download torrents with hacking, expresses surprise that the strange download from a shady website was able to steal his Steam information, assumes that a BSOD always indicates a virus, and takes his computer to GeekSquad when it stops working.
  • The author also has a very skewed sense of time, mentioning he finished Oblivion in 2008, that ten years had passed since then, with the 'new' Oblivion construction kit just being released. At the end, he goes even further, saying he was able to finish college and start a family within a couple of years.
  • The author goes from describing his "ominous" nameless pre-created character to gushing about said character's stats, represented by slowbeef going from his normal, exaggeratedly spooky, reading voice to an exaggeratedly perky one.
  • Slowbeef's air quotes, which get more exaggerated and drawn out every time.
• Sonic X Episode 79: Goodnight Sweet Princess, is not so much a "lost episode" creepypasta as much as it is a long Take That! at Sonic X.
  • Tthe narrator (and writer) appears to have an unhealthy fixation on Sally Acorn, to the point where according to the story Amy Rose was literally created as part of a conspiracy to screw her out of getting any more appearances.
  • "You know nothing about love you moron-slash-idiot!"
• Sonic.exe ROUND 2, the official Sonic.exe sequel, which believe it or not, somehow makes the first story seem legitimately well-written.
  • The narrative is apparently the writings of a hardboiled detective. Despite that, he shows next to no knowledge of police procedures and has great difficulty putting even the simplest of details together.
  • Sonic.exe goes from a haunted video game CD to an Eldritch Abomination named X living in another dimension that can only reach into our world through the medium of Sonic romhacks.
  • The Reveal that the Sonic plushie from the first story was actually a spy sent to our world by X. An outtake shows slowbeef reading that line and losing his shit.
  • The victims being described as being perfectly healthy, "apart from the fact that they’re dead".
  • The Narmy dialogue between the protagonist and the X cultist, which is seemingly channeling the infamous "what is a man?" lines from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.
  • As some of the commenters have pointed out, X could have been easily defeated with nothing but an antivirus program.
• Bowser Wii is hilariously poorly written all around, but this line stands out:
  [Mario and the Toad] were talking about some rather disturbing topics, such as DEATH.

Webcam Ward

• BATMAN: a man wearing only (yes, only) a Batman mask rants about rap music. There are no words.
• Extreme Enunciation Expo: Diabetus and slowbeef take on Konami's E3 2010 Press Conference.
  "WON. MIWYUN. TWOOPS."
• Haunted Investigators Ep #2 Retsuwatch: Webcam Ward takes on Christopher Bores' ghost hunting show Haunted Investigators:
  (After the ultra-long theme song ends)
  Diabetus: Whew, that was an exciting episode.
  Khad: Uhh, Diabetus... that was just the intro.
  Diabetus: [clearly distraught] Oh good... good.
  ...
  Bores: Tonight, the Haunted Investigators will take on the case of: the Patterson Tower!
  Khad: Yeah, the chief really needed this case off his desk.
  slowbeef: [in "50s news editor" voice] Yeah, I gotta get those jerkoffs on YouTube.
  Khad: [in a British accent] But SIR!
  slowbeef: [in "50s news editor" voice] Now you listen here! I've got nothing for today's front page! Get those Haunted Investigators on the horn!
  ...
  [Bores starts fiddling with a rod shaped object]
  slowbeef: "Well, time to calibrate the ghost stick!"
  Khad: "Hey! Why does it say 'douche' when I point it at myself? I ain't no ghost!"
  ...
  Caption: Tower Grounds. 9:45 PM
  slowbeef: Oooh! 9:45 PM. The Witching Hour!
  ...
  Bores: Is there anybody that's still roaming this area... that has a message for us?
  Khad: [semi-distant] Stop making videos!
  ...
  [Bores takes off his bag and begins searching through it]
  slowbeef: [in a whiny voice] "Oh...I didn't pack enough ice cream sandwiches..."
  ...
  [On the show's credits]
  Khad: "Executive Producer: Christopher Bores". Guess that makes sense... "Editor: Christopher Bores"... "Post Production: Christopher Bores"...
  Diabetus: He certainly does.
  Khad: "Music Editor: Christopher Bores". I'm starting to see a pattern!
  [Credits show "A Special Thanks to all parties involved in making this episode possible"]
  Khad: Wha? He didn't give anyone in the video credit?
  Diabetus: Another case closed by the Haunted Investigators!
  slowbeef: [in "50s news editor" voice] I give you the biggest case I've ever seen and all you come back with is a bat and a broken camera? Get out of here you bums! And don't let the door hit ya! Waaah!
• Mass Effect: the Christian Mass is celebrated in a rather special way, featuring interpretive dance and giant puppets. slowbeef is stunned at first, but 'beef and 'betus turning the thing into a gladiatorial deathmatch takes the cake.
  Diabetus: Bring in the cripples!
  slowbeef: And now the elderly with candles!
  Diabetus: So this is where old people go to die. That's it, right?
  ...
  slowbeef: Everybody stand up! It's the fuckin' Pope! He has joined this crazed fest!
  ...
  slowbeef: ...and if any of you elderly complain about this strange mass, then you'll be beaten with these reeds!
  ...
  [[A man and woman dance, respectively holding a thurible and bible]]
  slowbeef: AND NOW THE BATTLE BEGINS! My money's on that woman with the book!
  Diabetus: I dunno, I think that guy with the ashy morningstar's got a chance.
  slowbeef: Oh, he can't get that mace up above his head! Come on! Fifty bucks says he's bald from hitting himself in the skull!
  Diabetus: (Effeminate voice) "It's just so heavy!"
  slowbeef: Look at her! She's been in fights before!
  Diabetus: She's drunk.
• Microsoft Stock Plummets: Here's Why Some douchey stringbean-kid fails to make a point about Xbox when suddenly, he puppets a Master Chief helmet into giving him an exaggerated blowjob. The goons have a field day with this one.
• The Orc of Wes'sv'Urginia never stops with the Cluster F Bombs.
  Diabetus: Wow, this must be a really buff dude. [Cuts to an obese girl.] Ehh...
• Stripper: There are no words, even if It Makes Sense in Context.
• When Fur is Rubbed the Wrong Way: The riff on the rant is pretty standard but the part where he works out with the camera pointed at him in awkward angles is what makes it.

Live Panels

Since 2014, slowbeef and Diabetus have been doing live panels, filled with an assortment of old favorites and new stuff.

• RTX 2016: The duo's Kickstarter Nonstarter involves a creepy, cheery man aiming to debunk 9/11 by way of purchasing a 747 and a derelict building in the Thai countryside and crashing said jet into said building.
  slowbeef: I really wanna punch him with how fuckin' happy he is over this, just will not stop with those giant teeth!

Retsutalk

• In the very first episode, Slowbeef and Diabetus realize that since the podcast consist of the two of them just having conversation, they can't allow themselves to maintain conversations outside of podcasts from now on.
• As slowbeef mentions the plans for his then upcoming wedding, Diabetus comments that he'll give the location of the wedding to their fans and turn the whole event into a Retsupurae convention.
• The entire conversation that follows after ProtonJon mentions that DeceasedCrab is getting married.
• Throughout episode 8, Dave_O just says whatever comes to his mind in the background.
  Diabetus: So do we have anything to plug, Beef?
  Dave_O: Each other's bodies.
• Episode 10 has slowbeef acknowledging the users posting comments in their Adults React to PewDiePie video about how hot Diabetus is.
  slowbeef: I'm gonna agree you're the hot guy of Retsupurae, huh?
  Diabetus: Let's not talk about that.
• In episode 14, Slowbeef recounts his trip to Thailand, which includes men giving him a backrub as he was using a urinal.
• Towards the start of episode 15, Slowbeef has noticeable difficulty containing his laughter while saying "[ProtonJon] got tricked into doing a Mario romhack Let's Play."
• Slowbeef and Diabetus going crazy over Diabetus (supposedly) never shutting up about his disease, in episode 19.
• Episode 20 has a part where slowbeef, Diabetus, and CherryDoom talk about how, after participating in The Runaway Guys' tournament on Jon's invitation, they were too tired to walk back to their hotel and decided to take a cab...only for the bellhop to offer them a limo that was sitting outside the hotel.
• Each of the PAX podcasts start with slowbeef, Diabetus, and CherryDoom reading through Craigslist listings for people at PAX who want to hook up. At one point, this leads to CherryDoom sarcastically saying of one of them that she's "hungry for some nerd dick," only for all three of them to crack up in hysterics.
• According to Diabetus, the president of NVGTR hugged them at PAX East 2013.
• Episode 23:
  • Chip Cheezum's reaction to watching normal looking people casually buying hentai in public at C2E2.
  • And apparently shortly after they got to the convention, Chip's dad called him to ask what hentai was (or more specifically, he wanted to know the word for porn animes and mangas).
  • The discussion on the question, "Where do you get your jokes from?"
    GeneralIronicus: Joke mean word funny laugh how?
    ChipCheezum: I don't know where jokes come from, but I wanna make jokes so the girl next door'll like me...
    GeneralIronicus: If I write... uh, uh, something on a note of paper and I sleep with it under my pillow, will the joke fairy come and add a punchline? Will that happen?
    ChipCheezum: Can I exchange my punched-out teeth for jokes? What's the exchange rate for creativity? Help!
• Episode 24:
  • Proton Jon participates in the podcast while mid-vacation with The Runaway Guys.
    Diabetus: Proton Jon and the Runaway Guys are recording this from Delfino Plaza.
  • In Episode 24, everything from Slowbeef's conversation with NintendoCapriSun
    Slowbeef: [while discussing the backlash to Nintendo claiming ad revenue from YouTube videos showing footage of their games] So, Tim, are you going to change your account name to "GreedyFuckersCapriSun"?
    NCS: [laughs] I'll think about it.
  • Around 12 minutes, Slowbeef talks briefly about an ex-girlfriend of his:
    Slowbeef: That bitch ain't in the house.
    Slowbeef's wife, distant: Are you talking about me?
• Retsutalk Episode 36: Northernlion is Full of Shit: Their reactions to Northernlion's laugh button.
• Episode 37:
  • Yahtzee tells about a time when a fan wanted to shake his hand 'just to touch him'. Then it gets even better when the fan tries to explain that he wanted to touch someone that touched Gabe Newell.
  • At the end of the podcast, slowbeef gives Yahtzee a suggestion of what his next game should be called: Big Dicked Werewolves.
• In Episode 41, a conversation on Newgrounds leads to a in-depth discussion on Meet n' Fuck Kingdom.
• Episodes 45 and then 49 feature Beef and Betus, joined by ChipCheezum, GeneralIronicus and 100 Hogs Agree for a short campaign of Dungeon World. The entire five hours or so is hilarity from beginning to end. Reaches its apex when Diabetus enchants Chip's asshole with Earth magic, so he can buttslam a rock snowman golem and impress the mushroom woman he just spontaneously fell in love with.
  Diabetus: Now go impregnate her mush-womb.
• Episode 47
  • slowbeef talks about his vacation to Paris with his wife. Highlights include slowbeef's description of and reactions to the Catacombs of Paris, and his frustrations with the airlines.
    [slowbeef talks about the Catacombs, including the walls covered in human skulls and femurs]
    slowbeef: There's, like, a heart made of skulls at one point.
    Diabetus: Aww.
    slowbeef: But human skulls!
    Diabetus: France really is the romantic capital of the world.
    [...]
    slowbeef: But, it's like, fucking skulls! Like, human skulls! Y'know?
    [...]
    [slowbeef tells Diabetus that the catacombs aren't fully mapped out, a tourgroup got lost inside, and a dead man's skeleton just sitting down in the cave]
    slowbeef: It's like, it's almost like a joke. Like, "how haunted can we make one place?"
  • "Too Much TMI. Too Much Too Much Information."
• Episode 50:
  • The discussion about Ao Oni, culminating in slowbeef's rant about how bad it is.
  • slowbeef later being directed to a manga called Masturbation Master Kurosawa and laughing his ass off at everything about it.
• Episode 54: The goons and Pat discussing the antics of Dark Syde Phil.
• Episode 71: slowbeef tells a story about how on the train ride up to Boston for PAX, a person that he assumed was JonTron took the seat in front of him, but slowbeef didn't want to approach him on the chance that it was just someone else that happened to look like him. He found out it really was him when everyone on the train knew who he was and greeted him as a celebrity, including the train's conductor.

Kickstarter Nonstarters

• A £99 Coaster, an incredibly pretentious pitch for a coaster with a speaker built in to pump positive phrases into your water, which somehow makes the water better and improves the drinker's life in some unexplained way.
• Diabetus goes full on Tom Araya for A DATING SITE!, some nondescript site claiming to find the perfect match through eye recognition. The pitch is mostly read IN ALL CAPS, which 'betus runs with, baffling slowbeef.

• And on the Eighth Day, OUYA Game
  • slowbeef and Diabetus deal with a man who's funding a religion-heavy game series and not doing a good job at it.
    slowbeef: He only has five days left, but... to make 35 grand, there's... only eighty-five dollars pledged, Satan begone!
    Diabetus: Sooo, what you're saying is he needs a miracle?
  • Both are frightened by the first thing that the pitch video shows: which is the titular David the Shepherd Boy walking towards the screen.
  • When the pitcher starts talking like a concerned Christian parent:
    slowbeef: Oh man! Sorcery games that glorify the occult!? This is one of those anti-Harry Potter type of people, too?
    Diabetus: (imitating the guy) I want to glorify God through a Christian 3D platform game for the OUYA game console.
    • And later:
      Diabetus: (speaking as the pitcher's son) Can I play Mario Kart, Dad?
      slowbeef: Noo, it's for Satan.
  • "Also giant bees for some reason."
  • Upon seeing a spinning T-posing 3D model for the game's main villain, Goliath:
    Diabetus: (speaking as the pitcher) I put myself into this game.
    slowbeef: Here's his move set, borrowed from Zangief. That's his only attack.
  • This:
    Diabetus: What button do I press to turn the game off, forever? And if I do, will the game reset three days later?
  • "It's not Adam and Parasite Eve."
• Androx, Demon of Fire opens with the creator filming himself in a way that looks like he just kidnapped someone, followed by a poorly-made RPG Maker game that only questions why he needs $2000 for it.
  • Diabetus riffing on the guy's facial hair:
    Creator: And I knew I wasn't gonna get funded.
    Diabetus: (speaking as the guy) So, I grew this chin beard and thought that might help.
  • At one point the guy straight-up uses a real life image of an erupting volcano as a background in his game. The visual dissonance to the RPG Maker graphics is jarringly hilarious to say the least.
  • During the gameplay portion of his pitch video, he realizes a map transition isn't working and he has to cut the video to fix the problem. Twice.
  • slowbeef gets bored of watching the gameplay:
    "I kind of wish now we were back in his basement at this point, honestly."
• A Better/'Nother Way to Dunk Cookies revolves around the monumental task of dunking Oreo-sized cookies into milk, with a short, asymmetrical martini glass being the proposed solution.
• This video, concerning a Fan Remake of the classic Arrival in Hell, takes a strangely meta turn once the Kickstarter video shows off clips of various video playthroughs the game got to showcase its popularity and footage from their original Retsufrash shows up.
  slowbeef: Hey, it's us! Wh-what are we doing in a Kickstarter?
  Diabetus: And where's my royalty check? ... Rippin' us off!
• Barbarossa: Anime Women of the SS
  • The duo watch a video for a project to bring a World War II-themed ecchi-like card game overseas, something that flabbergasts slowbeef when he finds out that it got funded ten times over.
    Diabetus: Ja, ist kawaii.
  • As slowbeef reads off the stretch goals, it's almost like he's either Going Mad From The Revelation or he's crossing the Despair Event Horizon that this happened.
    slowbeef: [blubbering] What the fuck happened with the world?
• Basketball Dribbling Mask, a bondage-looking mask that's supposed to act as blinders to help people dribble basketballs without looking at them.
  • The stretch goals then only offer ludicrous amounts of the actual product as a reward to give away to basketball teams the buyer apparently knows, starting off at three of them for the lowest amount and going up to 200 of them for the highest amount.
  • They're initially not sure based solely on its appearance if the product is for basketball or for some kind of sex kink. The text "improves ball handling skills by 100%" gets them to settle on sex kink.
  • The duo being frightened by one of the people in the demonstration, with slowbeef even snarking that he was a budget Silent Hill monster.
  • The ending where the duo sees a picture of the pitcher wearing the mask and slowbeef says that he looks like a bad superhero. This leads to a flurry of jokes of how lame he would be as one.
    slowbeef: Like Dribbleman, and it's like "I know who you are, your mask isn't even finished."
• Bernie Sanders' More Jobs Fiesta
  • An obese, neckbearded man in a crooked baseball cap pitches an idea for a fantasy RPG Maker game about Bernie Sanders' presidential run in what the guys assume is his mother's bedroom. In particular, they repeatedly get distracted by the slowly-rotating "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY" balloon in the background.
  • After he finishes his pitch, he shows off some gameplay...by pointing a camcorder at his computer monitor.
• The best way to sell your stuff showcases the "OOp", a "smart box" with a terrifying mascot that allows for the most convenient method of selling items you don't want anymore: nailing a big glass box to a wall on public property like a school or library, shoving your item inside, and locking it via a smartphone app, then expecting people to see the item and... well, the pitch doesn't exactly say how your potential customer is supposed to contact you and agree on an amount of money to pay you for your item, but they're certain it's going to happen. Not to mention that they go above and beyond the "lazy grade school essay" level some of the other videos the duo have riffed on for the "risks & challenges" section, and flat-out restate the amount of money they need to produce their thing "without problems" rather than going into precisely what sort of problems they expect. It's when the duo get to commenting on a non-functional prototype of the smart box that they really start ripping into the complete ineptitude behind its creation and what, exactly, it's supposed to do to be more convenient than just buying shit off of the internet like people have been doing for two decades.
  Diabetus: The box looks so... unappealing.
  slowbeef: I really don't understand like how...
  Diabetus: Like, why wouldn't you just use eBay?
  slowbeef: Yeah, I was thinking that earlier! Like, just sell the thing!
  Diabetus: Like that's... that's been pretty set...
  slowbeef: Don't you want a physical store to buy things in the age of the Internet?
  Diabetus: Right. Don't you want to have people go to a very specific place and limit the market of people who could buy your thing?
  slowbeef: What are you, effin' crazy? In 2017?
  Diabetus: Now this may sound outdated, but... we have an app for this.
  slowbeef: Wait, what if you can have a store just anywhere? Motherfucker you can, it's called the Internet! You're using it to get money right now!
• The Best Website! All it Needs is Crowdfunding!!!, a nonsensical pitch for a website that will... solve all the world's problems through a daily voting system, somehow.
  • Diabetus plays his usual role as the pitcher, but this particular Kickstarter is so confusing that he ends up Corpsing through a lot of it. slowbeef's utter confusion at the massive Wall of Text which makes up the pitch just keeps getting better.
    slowbeef: It's like one sentence that keeps snowballing words, like a Katamari through a dictionary!
  • The reason this Kickstarter is such an enigma is because in the Wall of Text is basically the same paragraph written multiple times and they assume it was just copy-pasted, but then they notice the repeats are actually slightly different for some reason. Then when they get to the pledge rewards, the $500 and $1,000 ones are both for some reason listed three times each, and all of the rewards, regardless of the amount, have the exact same message claiming "you'll feel good about yourself for donating".
• Box of Cat is a pitch for a virtual cat simulator, featuring possibly the most terrifying animated cat imaginable. When the cat first comes on screen, both slowbeef and Diabetus have the same reaction.
  slowbeef: Oh my God, that cat!
  Diabetus: Oh my God, its eyes!
• A Broken Clock advertises a purposely broken clock to cure procrastination. Somehow.
• Cage Hat (Wait for It) has a man advertise his extremely awkward-looking football helmet by having a friend beat on it with a wiffle bat and push him around for five minutes, followed by two minutes of a blank video.
  • Then slowbeef and Diabetus discover his first project, Bubble Hat, which is a much larger iteration of the exact same, still awkward and impractical design.
    slowbeef: (in hysterics) You know nothing of sport!
  • "Personal foul: what the fuck is that?"
  • "I wanted a football player that could also be a Metal Gear boss."
• Cards Against Monogamy features Social Lubrication, which could be described as a card game for those too awkward to have sex.
  Diabetus: Wow, foreplay is complicated.
• Chrono Trigger. Yes. has someone trying to recreate Chrono Trigger on RPG Maker. slowbeef and Diabetus show off a question that asks what would happen if the program got Screwed by the Lawyers. They get a good laugh over the idea that the person never thought of it.
• Death Maze has some bearded guy against a cheesy, blacked-out green screen pitching an even cheesier game involving prison inmates being hunted down in several labyrinths.
  • The crummy animation and character design are bad enough, but then comes the crayon-drawing concept art...
    Blackscreen Guy: There are four areas to explore: a dark cave...
    (The goons lose it at the "concept art")
    Diabetus: Actual final product.
    slowbeef: Wait! How do you go from this poser-like modeling shit to that crayon-drawing stuff?
    Diabetus: Well his kid helped him out with that.
  • The stretch goals make a lame attempt at Bread and Circuses humor, with the $15 goal asking "Do you feel any sympathy for these prisoners? Well you won't anymore!" Said goal offers a reward of lame character backstories.
  • Another corker is the Risks and Challenges section, with the developer listing "personnel injury" as a risk.
    slowbeef: I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, that's a risk of injury.
• Defend-It (my terrible game idea) features a dad advertising a confusing game that can just as well be made and played with existing material but is asking for $25,000.
  Narrator: Each round starts by each player announcing their score, starting from...
  slowbeef: (amidst laughter) God damnit!
  Diabetus: Why? Is paper not included with this game?
  slowbeef: The game seemed okay without the thousand commandments surrounding it.
  ...
  Narrator: ...if you go over 21, you must go back to 11.
  Diabetus: He has this odd sense of urgency with the rules that makes me uncomfortable.
  slowbeef: I know!
  Diabetus: "You must."
  ...
  slowbeef: Let's start here. Twenty-five grand?
  Diabetus: Well, yeah, you gotta manufacture the... hula hoops... and you know how much Beanie Babies go for nowadays?
  slowbeef: I have the feeling most of that 25,000 was mass production of the printed 300-page manual of rules.
  Diabetus: You mean the scroll?
  slowbeef: The Codex of Defend-It, as they call it.
  Diabetus: The Tablets of Commandments that he probably etched this all on.
• Dictator Sunglasses, a pretentious pitch for a brand of sunglasses based upon the sunglasses worn by various dictators.
  • The goons pick up some of the wrong impressions from this one.
    slowbeef: After, like, the Barbarossa thing, and now this, it's almost like people want to crowd-fund dictator things.
    Diabetus: It's like extreme Hipster-ism, I think.
    slowbeef: It's like those people who collect Nazi memorabilia and keep it hidden, then like "I never really understood it, and I guess there's a market for it."
  • Even worse, their "core objective" is "to make a difference in the lives of those who have suffered under dictators"...by selling stuff based on dictators to "give you power." Not to mention how campaign backers "put [themselves] at the centre of the The Dictators Movement," despite stating that no proceeds go to charity.
    slowbeef: And there's an easy catch, like "with Pol Pot, you'll be looking hot this summer!"
  • All this is complemented by bearded hipsters with Fidel Castro-inspired glasses (the pitch shows clips of Castro without any) and a sudden update pitching expensive water bottles.
• DrowseBusters, a pair of clamps you clip to your earlobes to keep from falling asleep behind the wheel. It goes pretty well until the cartoon demonstration comes up, which slowbeef compares to Wikihow drawings in motion.
• Earscratcher advertises an earscratcher through obvious spelling errors (for example, it says some objects can harm the inner ear "enormouslt") and proceeds to show pictures of people jamming things like pens (and "office clamps" as well), toothpicks, and screwdrivers into their ears, but not addressing how the product is any different.
• Endless Final Fantasy XIII (-Like?), a boring, generic JRPG made in RPGMaker over the course of four years requiring $12,000 to complete. However, most of the humor is derived from the backstory to the game. The creator apparently having been inspired by becoming friends with another player in an MMO, a girl whose only explicit dialogue is "Are you OK?", which Diabetus points out could've been a programmed response from Cleverbot. Unfortunately, the video was later made private when the creator asked them to take it down due to harassment from fans. The backstory, however, is still available on the game's Kickstarter page.
• Exoskeleton Suits shows off a service where people can order custom suits with a lot of features via snail mail.
  • The sheer bulk and odd designs of many of the Badjo suits get a lot of laughter out of the duo. Diabetus fails to manage even a second of watching the video from the start without laughing in disbelief. A lot of the suits seem to impair vision entirely.
  • The page repeatedly insists that the suits are non-lethal. All those blades, drills, flamethrowers, harpoons, and other ridiculous attachments? Completely non-lethal. Diabetus thinks it implies that there are lethal versions.
  • One of the flamethrower arm designs which is rather prominently shown off is based on Charizard.
  • The suits are also pitched as tools for firefighters to use.
  • The campaign asks for $15,000, which seems to be a very low amount considering what the project is.
• Farts Against Humanity features an incredibly juvenile Cards Against Humanity knockoff. In the first fifty seconds, Beef and Betus watch the promo video which is nothing but a Windows Movie Maker style slideshow... with fart sounds played over it. Each time one of them asks a question or tries to speak, they're cut off mid-sentence.
  • At one point, while making fun of the game's strip option, slowbeef blows a raspberry, leading to Diabetus thinking he played the video again.
• Final Fantasy IV...BUT WITH CRAFTING! has another boring JRPG-styled RPGMaker-created game that has slowbeef questioning why he needs $50,000 dollars (which the person says is "modest") for this.
  • Early on, slowbeef points out the odd camera angle wrecks the perspective, making the person's head larger than the TV behind him. Diabetus mentions that it looks like a giant thumb is talking to them.
  • Crafting is apparently a Berserk Button for slowbeef as he has no idea what people see in it and is quite exasperated over this important usage.
  • Near the end of the man's demonstration, the background music grows louder, drowning him out.
  • When checking out the man's pledge gifts, his $500 gift is a trip to meet him. They have a kick out of the over-long description of the gift explaining how they would have a meal together (whether a high-class restaurant or just McDonald's), and then essentially force the pledger to help add something to the game. However, slowbeef assumes that the one person who actually pledged $500 was the creator himself, considering with the amount of stretch goals available nobody else gave more than $50.
    Diabetus: One person gave that.... One person read that and said "oh yeah..."
    slowbeef: No, I think it's him.
  • Regarding the $500 gift:
    slowbeef: (snickers) What if you're a total creep, though?
• Flirt Cards are black cards with basic phrases such as: "You fine" and "I'd hit it" written on them in white text. While showcasing at least 10 cards, the creator felt the need to add little captions under each picture.
  (You fine.) "For real, doe."
  (I'd hit it.) "Nawmsayin'?"
  (You beautiful.) "You got an Instagram?"
  (You hotter than my mixtape.) "Bruh...I don't say that lightly."
  (I MEAN DAAAAYUUM!) "Respectfully"
  (Lemme gitcho digits.) "and dat Snapchat, too."
  (You cute.) "You got a Facebook?"
  (Congrats.) "Congratulations for what?" "For lookin' so good, shawty."
  (You just got added to my "To Do" list.) "to da top of da list, matta fact."
  (Netflix and chill?) "I got homeboy's password"
  • Nawmsayin'?^note Know what I'm saying?
    Diabetus: (speaking as the pitcher) Let's say, I'm hitting on your wife. I give her a card, it says "Damn, girl." She flips it over (the image changes) it says: "I'd hit it", and so she sees that and in her head, she realizes that I'm saying: "Nawmsayin'?"
    Slowbeef: (snickers) Nawmsayin'
    Diabetus: Nawmsayin'
    Slowbeef: Is that like a city in Louisiana or something?
    Diabetus: It's like Southern Goku, I think.
    Slowbeef: Oh, got it.
• Fund Me And I Will Play Video Games has a man trying to fund his Twitch channel, something that is apparently his "dream" despite not having the first idea of what, exactly, goes into streaming (as evidenced by the fact that one of the things he plans to purchase with his Kickstarter money is a capture card, yet every game he plans to stream is a PC release). The funniest part is the backer rewards, in which he offers to have your gamertag (limit of 20), company logo (limit of 10), or face (limit of 15) as a watermark on his channel for its entirety. slowbeef and Diabeetus want to see what a stream with the maximum number of watermarks would look like, calling him the Nascar of streaming.
• Fund the American Dream aka My Vacation has a man attempt to get people to pay him to go around the world (actually just the U.S.), but the real comedy is in the reward tiers. The $1 reward is a sleepover at your house, the $500 reward is him making breakfast in bed and delivering it to you, and the $10,000 reward is you being able to high-five him at the Sears Tower.
• Game of Cloudz, a pitch for a mobile game based around predicting the weather with a truly baffling set of stretch goals that includes seemingly random rewards, many of which have nothing to do with the weather theme. These include a set of steak knives, tours and vacations to places (which the backer has to pay their own travel expenses for), and homemade cookies that will only be sent "if allowed in your nation", which leads them to question what could possibly be in those cookies.
• It is a game but it is also a fitness band features Balance, an incredibly vague project that promises to be "social networking, role playing game, [and] mobile app gaming" on what's essentially a FitBit, but doesn't elaborate much further than that.
  Diabetus: I feel like we've walked into a corporate pitch meeting that's about to be rejected.
  • The goons also rip into the pledge rewards, none of which appear to actually give backers the watch itself.
• It's Just Paper is not an exaggeration. The product is literally just a normal notebook, except its pages are totally blank instead of lined. The Kickstarter tries to sell this as a way of liberating your mind, even though slowbeef points out sketchpads are basically the same thing and are already widely available and that these are actually less practical than normal notebooks.
• It's Two Phones is also not much of an exaggeration. The product pitched in the video is an iPhone case which is essentially just an Android phone itself.
  • The product is called the Eye, a name that isn’t particularly search engine-friendly.
  • The video opens up with an old lady in a hoodie tossing the Eye into the air, catching it and then dabbing, before walking down the street in a goofy manner. The duo get some good lines from this.
    Diabetus: "I don't need it anymore!" Oh my god, Two-Face got an iPhone!
    slowbeef: Oh no! Wait, Two-Face's grandma got an iPhone!
  • The old lady arrives back home, and turns on the TV, which shows a pitch video for the product she already has.
    Diabetus: By the way, there’s another TV on the back of your TV right now!
  • The duo is baffled as to why someone would want both an Android phone and an iPhone.
  • The Kickstarter page includes some quotes from various news articles, truncated to make them sound more positive and less skeptical. CNET's "quote," however? It’s just the header for their article on the Eye. Said article completely trashes the Eye.
• King's Quest 0 has a man pitching literally nothing more than a vague idea of a video game.
  • When Slowbeef notices that it looks as though the guy is standing in front of a ceiling, he feels like the latter snuck into his bedroom and is standing over his bed.
    Diabetus: Look, I watched you while you sleep, so you're gonna watch me explain my game.
• Left 4 De- I mean, Left to Rot dives deep into hilarity the moment the gameplay footage is shown. Framerate that runs at a buttery smooth 3 FPS.
  • The ending where the duo replace their usual closing phrase ("Dead to Rights") with the game's title.
• Lick My Cat
  • It's a Kickstarter for the Licki Brush, a cat brush shaped like a giant tongue, to be held in the mouth. They can't figure out who is buying this.
    Diabetus: Have these people not heard of petting? Like, cats are pretty cool when you use your hands, without the weird tongue device part.
    slowbeef: Look at this cat hold its hands out, like "Oh my God what the hell is happening?"
    Diabetus: None of these cats give a fuck. You don't need this technology to make your cats react this way.
  • The text of the Kickstarter keeps getting skeevier and skeevier.
    Diabetus: If that's not enough, invite your friends and their cats over for LICKI parties.
    slowbeef: I don't think so. I don't think so. That's too close to an orgy.
• Love College Football, But Hate Money?: a pitch for a paid app from "Faniacs" that will deliver college football "factoids". Opening with a pitch video that's just barely too long to fit on a Vine and includes the word "bigly", before moving on to its oddly-specific goal of $55,556 for an app that simply gives college football facts and will cost three dollars.
  • The duo start by ripping into the Kickstarter's breakdown of where exactly all that money will go, noting three things in particular: $32,000 to get an app development company to produce such a simple app for you could only mean they're straight-up ripping you off; the $5,000 for graphical artists is entirely unnecessary because, in the risks and challenges section, they admit they already have all the graphics needed; and they seem confused on the necessity of AP SEO services that they need $8,000 for, saying that there's a risk that they might not be useful but they are also necessary to succeed.
  • Any remaining sense that the Kickstarter knows how to intelligently handle money is thrown out the window with the pledge bonuses. The "2017 Bronze Preorder" gets you the three-dollar app for free, and "a very nice warm feeling in helping us get to where we are going"... for twenty-five bucks. The "2017 Silver" tier, which is apparently the "best option", gets you the factoids app and any other college football-related ones the group may or may not make through to the end of 2018, for a hundred bucks, which the duo note would need them to make 32 other apps for it to be worth that much. Another four hundred beyond that is the "2017 Gold Participant" tier, getting you not only the initial app and the hypothetical future football-related ones, but apps they make for every college sport (or, as Diabetus points out, the kinds of apps ESPN already makes) through to the end of 2020. The final tier, which is still "2017 Gold Participant", gets you just two more years of football apps, all other college sports apps, and all apps Faniacs has not made any real indication they would make after this... and is asking for five thousand bucks. Slowbeef can only come to the conclusion that Faniacs believes the value of the American dollar is going to drop like a rock after 2020.
• Massively Malfunded Online Role Playing Game has a horribly animated MMORPG, with the creators asking for 500,000 dollars to complete it.
  • Their reactions to the revelations that A) the creators have spent four years working on the game, and B) they made a second Kickstarter for the game, asking for only 50,000 dollars, after they were only pledged 178 for the first one.
  • "Fullscreen it! I wanna see the fight with the fog machine... dragon."
  • The second trailer uses 'O Fortuna' as music over virtually nothing happening, eventually segueing into a terrible techno remix.
• Mean Peanut's opening video left Slowbeef and TurboC extremely confused at the group of college dropouts who wanted to make comedy sketches on the Internet instead. Even funnier was their attempt to get Rooster Teeth to plug them.
• Memesmemesmemes memes!: A Kickstarter for What Do You Meme? which is basically Cards Against Humanity but with memes, created by Instagram "celebrity" fuckjerry (whose account consists entirely of reposting other memes).
  • After a cringe-worthy video with unfunny sketch comedy and unlicensed use of "What Do You Mean?" (not to mention all the stolen meme artwork), they go over the stretch goals, which range from the standard (add more meme cards) to the weird (fuckjerry will clean your room) to the seemingly illegal (fuckjerry will prank call anyone you want) to the creepy (fuckjerry will post a picture of your mom to Instagram, be your prom date, or crash your wedding/Bar Mitzvah). And after all this, much like the Barbarossa Kickstarter, it was funded several times over, raising almost $230,000 (which they point out is a really small number, considering he has 9.7 million Instagram followers).
    slowbeef: I don't understand something. His name is fuckjerry, but he censors the word "bitch."
  • TieTuesday's first comment sums up what we're all thinking:
    TieTuesday: Have we found a way to punch someone online yet?
  • They point out that even fuckjerry seems aware that this is a horribly, cringeworthy idea.
    TieTuesday: Have you ever hit another level of feigned joy? Is there like a deeper cut beyond, like, when people say 'just fake it till you make it', it's like, well, do you have to look like you wanna die on camera?
    slowbeef: I think it's a place that only Virgil can lead you to.
  • One stretch goal is just paying fuckjerry $10,000 to crash your wedding, which slowbeef claims would result in "the shortest reception to divorce paper serving turnaround the world had ever known."
    TieTuesday: I'm not married, you are, how would you feel if this chucklefuck crashed your wedding? Would you feel like that was $10,000 well spent?
    slowbeef: No. No, I would throw him into traffic.
  • When slowbeef points out that the cards are just different colored Cards Against Humanity, TieTuesday takes a brief pause and responds with "What do you meme?", leading both him and slowbeef to crack up.
    slowbeef: (snickering) I'm not sure what I meme by it.
• MineBoss showcases Wild Willy, the incredibly creepy mascot for a boring digging simulation.
  • Willy says that one of the perks of the game will be moving dirt with your friends:
    slowbeef: Moving dirt with your friends?! I think, that's called a chain gang!
  • "Don't worry, though. Ooool' Wild Willy will be there to-"
    slowbeef: Ooooh, I'd rather not.
  • "I'm the CGI equivalent of a scam artist."
  • Diabetus ends up referring to Wild Willy as "the tiny prospector man":
    slowbeef: Wild Willy! You call him Wild Willy!
  • The entirety of the goons pointing out the disturbing features of Wild Willy.
    Diabetus: Oh my god, in the thumbnail for the thing to the left of the $250 pledge goal, Wild Willy has some wild eyes.
    [...]
    Diabetus: Wild Willy wants your brains...
    slowbeef: Or your crotch, judging by that gaze. Holy shit, Wild Willy. Back the fuck up.
    [...]
    slowbeef: But hopefully, he gets to reuse Wild Willy 'cause holy shit. Holy shit. Look at him. I'm just looking at him. Look at his tongue. Is that his tongue hanging out?! Oh my god! Wild Willy, what the fuck?!
    [...]
    slowbeef: I want to know what's going on with that weird mutant hand of his that's holding the pickaxe.
    Diabetus: He does not have a lot of forearm strength.
    slowbeef: No. Look at those tiny fucking feet!
    Diabetus: Like a skeleton.
    slowbeef: Oh my god, yeah.
    Diabetus: I don't think Wild Willy does any digging himself.
    slowbeef: I don't think so either. I think he's just happy grinding the bones of children.
• Monster Girl 3D (Rated F For Families)
  • The duo watches a video about a hentai 3D RPG... for families?
    slowbeef: What's a family-friendly RPG that we can make? [Textbox pops up that reads...] Succubus Village!
  • At the end, they look over an update for the game...
    slowbeef: It has new priest model, Slug Girl and Slime Girl battles... [sputters] What the fuck? "Alice battle and h-scene if you don't help her in the forest are now present" H-scene, correct me if I'm wrong here, is maybe something you don't want your kids playing?!
    [Beat]
    Diabetus: ...Why?
    slowbeef: ...I dunno.
• MOVE OVER, BLOODBORNE has slowbeef and P.A. Master look at a pitch with a dark and gritty premise about humanity struggling to survive in a Lovecraftian apocalypse that turns out to be a cutesy virtual pet site. The disconnect between the intense music and taglines like "Kill your gods!" and the reality of the game is hilarious.
• My Original Pokemon Minecraft Idea
  • The Kickstarter is someone expecting to get $10,000 to port a Pokémon-themed Minecraft mod onto non-Nintendo systems without being sued into oblivion, with the same 20-second song looping over the trailer and the page claiming they "DID THEIR RESEARCH BEFORE HAND".
    Diabetus: So, "some risks are just not be able to reach our deadlines and our goals".
    slowbeef: There's a couple more risks than that!
  • Even the actual trailer consists entirely of footage of the existing Pixelmon mod, which according to a comment on the video ended in exactly the way that anyone except for the Kickstarter's creators could have seen coming - their campaign being suspended and Kickstarter investigating them for a lawsuit launched by the actual creators of Pixelmon.
• The Busco Quadnary trilogy:
  • The New Era of Modern Computing features a pitch for something called "Busco Quadnary," an operating system that apparently relies on base 4 rather than binary's base 2, because the fundraiser apparently thinks that a "4-dimensional" system will make programming twice as fast. When he continues for 18 minutes gesturing, blatantly misusing random computing jargon, and making incredibly false declarations (including stating that Bill Gates invented binary), slowbeef, an actual programmer, goes absolutely ballistic. It's made especially hilarious when put next to Diabetus, who acts completely oblivious to the glaring inaccuracies and the fact that slowbeef sounds like he's about to have an aneurysm.
    Diabetus: If you add some twos and threes, you can do more stuff-
    Slowbeef: (on the verge of a stroke) NO! NO YOU CAN'T!
    Diabetus: Right? Right?
    Slowbeef: NO! NO!
  • There's also Move Over, Busco Quadnary!:
    • John attempts to get funding to go out and explain his own take on unified field theory, which he evidently "came to catharsis" about while playing an online video game (Mercenary Wars) and trying to convert his opponents to Christianity. This particular project was a successful Kickstarter... because he only asked for $10.
    • Including him occasionally pausing his pitch to repeatedly move his arm underneath his waist, then act like nothing happened.
    • The equation? 0 = 1, which he seems to base off some sort of bizarre, philosophical "parts vs whole" idea.^note The specific example he tries to use is the many different parts, like infrastructure, utilities, and people adding up to one city, which doesn't prove that something can be made from nothing as he tries to argue, just that many small components can add up to one big whole.
      Diabetus: "And therefore, I am zero," and then he's gone.
  • The trilogy concludes with You Only Pitch Thrice:
    • Having conquered the realms of physics and computer science, John has set his sights on Hollywood, writing a movie script for "the black James Bond". He goes on at length about his movie (with repeated references to its "unique" villain, among other aspects), but never actually bothers to explain any of it. This was another "ten dollar triumph" with multiple backers, one of them being slowbeef.
    • What convinces slowbeef to back his Kickstarter: him mentioning his script probably has some typos in it and it could use proofreading.
      Diabetus: Hey, shoot for the Moonraker, pal.
• The Next Level of Tabletop RPG. You know you've got a problematic kickstarter when 30% of the money is dedicated to "Living Costs".
• Nightmare Items (also some zombies): Another generic zombie apocalypse game with silly funding goals, such as an obligatory unnecessary crafting system, and 3D models with a very huge amount of polygons (they imply that polygons are the only way to add detail) that will slow your gaming system down to a crawl. A huge amount of grammatical errors and factual errors on their funding page does not help either.
• Pass2Pros?: a sports MMO allegedly featuring star athletes (that apparently aren't paid for their appearances), as well as lots of butchered sketch comedy and two hosts with the combined charisma of a dead cat. Early on, two of the team attempt a Who's on First? routine. Not only is the audio quality so bad you can barely hear them, but the video abruptly jump-cuts away from them in the middle of a sentence.
  All I know is that I love graphics and I'm on graphics, and let me tell you if y-
  • At one point, the pitcher speaks in a stereotypical Southern accent:
    Pitcher: Why get the game now? Ain't that a little bit like skinning a opossum with a butter knife?
    slowbeef: (snickers) Wow, I'm sorry for you, Betus. I apologize.
  • "So, just dinner with an athlete? Anyone, just name one."
• The Perfect Tribute to... Uh, Which Band?, a kickstarter for a guy that wants to pay tribute to 311 by... gaining weight until he weighs 311 lbs, then recording a video that's just himself standing on a scale. He plans on doing this by eating exclusively from a bizarrely specific list of foods (like Almond Joy candy bars, but apparently no other candy, or drinking salad dressing) that were bought from specific places (like ice cream sandwiches bought specifically from the gas station across the street from where he lives, or Bloomin' Onion specifically bought from the county fair). The true gold comes from the $1 pledge goal: He will name each food item after a backer, then eat it while making creepy comments.
• Pot Shot:
  • A pitching video for an automatic soup-stirrer, with the most awkward hosts and least impressive demonstration ever.
    Sean: This is my product...with my two friends...the...Pot Shot.
    slowbeef: *snickering* Is one of your friends the Pot Shot?
  • The actual Kickstarter page for the Pot Shot shows that Sean doesn't seem to fully understand what exactly Kickstarter actually does, with disastrous results.
    Diabetus: So, slowbeef, can you tell me about the risks and challenges of this project?
    slowbeef: Um, "the only obstacle to getting this device built is that it will require some funding".
    Diabetus: No!
    slowbeef: (through laughter) Wha- yes, I know why you're here!
    Diabetus: Followup question, what is Kickstarter? (slowbeef laughs)
  • Sean repeatedly promising pledgers that:
    You will find a true reward in owning this device when it comes out.
• From Professor Chucky Einstein, a kickstarter for an Albert Einstein robot, slowbeef notices that a photo of an unpainted bot with its head turned away from the camera resembles Raiden.
  Diabetus: Raiden, what's the weather like in Charlotte today?
  slowbeef: RULES OF RELATIVITY!
• Random Encounter: Kickstarter Scam features something made in about five minutes during an RPG Maker free weekend, passed off as an 'artsy' game to get the money to buy the full version. Right off the bat, their reaction to the trailer's hideously annoying background noise:
  slowbeef: Alright, play the video in three...two...one...play.
  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
  slowbeef: Aagh, shit!
  Diabetus: The final boss is Laptop Fan.
  slowbeef: What is that horrible crap?!
• Real Steel in Real Life tries to pitch what is essentially a defictionalization of Real Steel. The pitch video consists entirely of 6 minutes of random footage from the film in question. The actual page is golden, including a "risks and challenges" section that glosses over all of the very real issues the duo think up (such as the very heavy yet agile robots possibly falling onto the spectators standing five feet away as they are in the film, that building robots for this purpose in the first place would be much more complicated and probably more expensive than they're expecting... or that they've apparently not asked for permission to use footage from or the name of Real Steel to market themselves) in favor of lazy-school-essay-level Captain Obvious statements such as that the only challenge is getting the three million bucks he's asking for, and that the only risk is not getting that funding (the "I had to put something here" answer as Diabetus calls it). Then there's the timeline issues involved with the pledge goals, such as that the kickstarter is only giving itself six months to build and complete a pair of giant robots meant to fight each other, or that one common pledge reward is for a video of the first live show... a month before it's actually held?
• Selfie Broom, a broom that's designed to be able to stand up straight so it doesn't fall over. The problem is, the page makes a lot of presumptions about the viewer that rely on Too Incompetent to Operate a Blanket, and eventually seems to be desperately trying to come up with more applications for a concept as incredibly simple as its ability to stand, such as using it as a makeshift smartphone tripod and using it to ward off bears.
• Sim Mayor/Armor/Teacher/Farmer/Miner:
  • This has one of the worst green screen effects, including one of the developers' trousers partially disappearing, along with PS1-level graphics and possibly the worst framerate ever seen.
  • The part that shows a character running around with their legs moving ridiculously fast, which contrasts humorously with their stiff torso.
• Thera: Bullet Hell? OR BULLET HEAVEN???: A Touhou Project ripoff called Thera that starts out with a brief intro from the stereotypically nerdy creator, then dives into gameplay footage that looks like something off Newgrounds.
  slowbeef: I'm looking at this, I'm thinking CAVE, as in this was made in one.
  • Diabetus snarks that the pitcher is filming a hostage video and slowbeef agrees, saying that it sounds like the guy is talking about releasing a virus.
• There's No Pee In Crowdfunding, a bag attached to a funnel with a hose you can wear under your pants for when you can't find a bathroom.
  • Things get worse when the creator demonstrates it by sitting in a hallway for a long time and actually pissing into it on camera.
  • The "risks & challenges" section makes mention that the creator is looking for a trustworthy company to market the product if the Kickstarter is successful, saying that he doesn't want it to fall into the "wrong hands". The duo immediately have a blast wondering exactly how a marketing company could misuse so simple a product.
    Diabetus: Who are the wrong hands? People who are gonna be pooping into it instead of peeing!
    slowbeef: Cobra Commander's gonna like, (adopts something close to the Ridley voice) "I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET UP FROM THE CHAIR ANYMORE!"
    Diabetus: (imitating the Super Friends narrator) "Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom..." (slowbeef laughs) "This will stop Superman!"
    slowbeef: (now in Bane voice) "I can take over Gotham without finding a restroom!" (both laugh)
    Diabetus: Maybe The Joker puts it in his little flower-squirt thing.
    slowbeef: (more laughter, imitating The Dark Knight Joker now) "You have! All that urine! And nothing to do with it!"
    Diabetus: (also imitating TDK Joker) "Do ya wanna know how I got this piss on my face?"
    slowbeef: (chuckle, then deep-voiced gibberish)
    Diabetus: Is that Solomon Grundy?
    slowbeef: No, that's Batman! "Why you tryin' to use the bathroom?!"
• Toilet Flush Simulator features the Faural, a device meant to mask the sound of farting on the toilet by playing an extremely loud and unconvincing toilet flushing sound.
• Translator for Dogs or Whatever That Is features an app that claims to translate animal sounds by analyzing mouth shapes. The duo mocks the looped fourteen-second "animation" of a woman using the app on her dog (with her top disappearing for a single frame), as well as the app's badly-designed UI.
• Viral Video has someone who wants to make a viral video using the Omni Treadmill, an Oculus Rift and a used Segway and needs $5000 to fund it. He only gets $1 and it was from just one person who wanted to mock how stupid the whole thing is, which was the one dollar goal gift.
  • At the end, slowbeef and Diabetus catch sight of a picture of how it would be and just mock how bad the Photoshopping is.
  • The comments even go into how he thinks he'll just have fame delivered to his doorstep:
    CrazyRiverOtter in the comments: Rule #1 of viral videos: if you make it known that you're deliberately attempting to create a viral video, it won't become a viral video.
• We Don't Know What This Is, which involves 3D printing physical avatars in a needlessly complicated and expensive version of Second Life, asking for $850,000. And then there's the "backstory" that skips bizarre and dives straight into The Twilight Zone, including ludicrous orders from President Drumpf, a rocket containing a girl and Steve Jobs's body launched into an ozone hole/wormhole which sends them to an alternate reality, rebellious millennials joining Anonymous to become pirates, and then there's a death laser.
  slowbeef: I actually kinda want to see this funded in a way.
• What Are Ya Flyin'? pitches what is essentially a trenchcoat with a ton of pockets for you to just carry all your luggage in your coat to skip baggage queues and reduce baggage fees. One that seems a bit confused in its design, as well, since you're apparently meant to carry the jacket itself inside a built-in carry-on bag to the airport itself, then pull it out and only actually wear it at the airport. In a day and age where wearing a trenchcoat in any situation tends to raise eyebrows, they seriously expect modern airport security to be fine with people wearing big, bulky, suspicious coats full of stuff and just let you through. Not to mention the pitch itself seems to not know what exactly it's pitching, since a showcase of its modular design (two sets of three pockets can be removed to shorten the jacket) includes the model carrying a luggage bag anyway, and the very first stretch goal completely obviates the need for such a jacket by giving you a much simpler and more useful duffel bag.
• Yiffing in Hell, a story about furries that seems to be inspired by the creator's dreams. The creator's pretentious insistence this story's obtuseness is somehow liberating and life changing make it even better.
  Description: This product will install new organs in your body. They will allow you to see and inhabit said golden age, and make it a tangible thing on this earth.
• Zombie Movie! (um, actor actress film director movie role Hollywood): a man that aspires to get into the film industry after a slump asks for £10,000,000 to make a zombie movie. TieTuesday is annoyed that the stretch goals are basically you paying the producer to work on his movie. Incidentally, the listed reason for the kickstarter being a thing is that, supposedly, there are no acting jobs available for "regular joes" because triple-A actors are buying them all.
  TieTuesday: I was in a zombie movie in college. This is true! This is a true story, by the way.
  slowbeef: Really?
  TieTuesday: Yeah, uh, it was a lot of fun. It was like one of my buddies was just a film grad and he wanted to do one and found a bunch of people from our catering company, no less, that we all worked for. And yeah, it was a lot of fun! We just went into the creepy basements of random buildings on campus, because there's a bunch of weird shit tunnels and all that, put makeup on, and then just did what he asked for: kinda shambled around, fell under some stuff, kinda struggled like an idiot. It was a hoot! And then we all went and drank afterwards. (beat) I didn't pay shit for that. That was free, man! They can't charge people to try out to do that for your bad movie.
  ...
  TieTuesday: Oh, you know what just hit me? And this is like I feel a crucial bit here, this is a big connection. So, he spent a bunch of time decrying the act of these super-wealthy people paying money so that their people, like kids and stuff, could be actors in movies and acting like that was a real shitty thing to do, right?
  slowbeef: Mhm.
  TieTuesday: (another pause) That's all I had to say. (both crack up) I just wanted to make sure people realized that.

Indie No Go

• FMV (Fetish Made Video) Game has slowbeef and DJB dealing with a game that seems to be geared towards... tickle fetishes?
• The Gorilla Pongs Singapore Cocktail. The title is actually more comprehensible than the video, as the pitch includes a ton of bizarre moments but never really explains what the game they're pitching is.
  • "I feel like I'm watching another Phantom Pain intro."
• JOYCase is for a sort of expanded battery pack for Xbox One or PlayStation 4 controllers to allow you to play for longer without having to recharge the controller... an expanded battery pack that has a very unfortunate design. Even worse is that the people developing this know it's basically a dildo filled with batteries slapped onto a controller, because the "risks & challenges" section includes possibilities such as the design work, delays in manufacturing and shipping, and being put on a government watchlist.
• The title Just A Box is not an exaggeration. The product is literally just a metal box that you're supposed to put your smartphones in with the intention being to get your family away from their screens and interacting again. The creator claims they made this product because they tried to just leave their phones in a drawer, but it didn't last long before they just went and got their phones again, but makes no attempt to explain why using a box that doesn't even lock would turn out any differently.
• Kamehamehuh? sees a man trying to become something close to a Super Saiyan.
  Diabetus: You know, the two Mario hats and the fedora don't make me think he's gonna accomplish this.
  • "I hear Frieza's hanging out in Wisconsin these days."
• Look Out, Trump! focuses on a Presidential candidate crowdfunding for his research into biohacking and immortality. He plans to use this money to make a custom tour bus shaped like a giant casket that somehow involves robots. slowbeef is especially amazed to find out it was 101% funded.
• Meet n Fuck, Smartwatch Edition: the pitch is creating a smartwatch that will send subliminal messages to the user's brain while they listen to music on it, helping them build confidence to pick up chicks. The duo obviously do not buy it for a second and find the pick up line suggestions appalling:
  Narrator: Use the flower photos on the watch face. Show it to a girl and say, "I got these flowers for you."
  (slowbeef cracks up)
  Diabetus: No, don't do that! Never do that!
• Mother 4, I Think sees slowbeef and DJB look at a pitch for a confusing game involving, among other things, male pregnancy, a script peppered with typos, and the word "virtual" being used every ten seconds.
  DJB: I've always wanted to be a bionic woman filled with missiles!
• Steampunk Virtual Reality Thing: A poorly translated whopper of a campaign riddled with plagiarism, vague goals, and the promise of a Steampunk game with time travel, "The Nazism,"[sic] and "The Alien invasions" for $200,000,000. The duo act hyped at first, then melt into hysterics over the sheer level of nonsense. Special mention goes to the utter absurdity of the "New Galaxy Nazi World Order", which causes slowbeef to keel over with laughter.
• Vagina Beer, in which Diabetus tries to sell slowbeef the idea of a beer brewed with vaginal bacteria. Slowbeef sounds utterly confused and disgusted over the entire thing, while Diabetus keeps trying to selling it to him.

Dahi̇r İnşaat

Starting in mid-2016, slowbeef and TieTuesday took a peek at the pitches of Dahi̇r İnşaat: a Russo-Turkish engineering firm that specializes in both cheap CGI and projects that would make even the Jetson family cringe.

• The Restaurant shows a very overly-complex idea of short-order dining.
  • It has factory-esque conveyor belts delivering trays of TV-dinner-grade food to patrons via overhead pistons at every table.
    slowbeef: Well, how do they do, like, drinks or like special order things?
    TieTuesday: That's what one of the compartments is for, they just give you a big straw and you just slurp it out of where the Salisbury steak would be. Instead they fill it with a cocktail, enjoy.
    [slowbeef and TT crack up]
    slowbeef: "I'll start with a Cabernet-" "Oh, no, I'm afraid you can't 'start', it all comes in one shot."
  • The entire pitch is a mess of ideas for investors for the first two minutes, followed by ten minutes' worth of different, ugly configurations of the same restaurant, complete with butt-ugly options for seats the goons can only call "ashtray seating."
    slowbeef: I hope you don't mind the slightly upgraded version of the cafeteria you enjoyed in school and/or jail, in this restaurant!
    ...
    TieTuesday: I am seriously convinced this was, like, someone's demo reel, to try and be involved in WALL•E. (slowbeef laughs) Like, that's what it was, it's just like- "oh, you wanna show humans being lazy pieces of shit? (claps) I got you!" (both laugh) That has to be what this was! And then they're like, "oh, sorry, we wanted them all to be fat." "Aw, damn!"
• Earthquake Bed pitches a rescue device that's pretty much a large metal box a user gets sucked into when disaster strikes.
  • slowbeef absolutely loses it the first time it's demonstrated.
    TieTuesday: So this is the Safe Bed. This is my nightmares.
    slowbeef: Wait, what? I wasn't expecting this after the restaurant.
    TieTuesday: No, this is- yo, earthquakes are like a big fucking deal, that's fair, right? Like, earthquakes are- yeah, so... what happens if an earthquake happens and you're asleep, and you don't wake up? (cue CGI multi-story apartment building)
    slowbeef: Oh, uh...
    TieTuesday: And you're in a building?
    slowbeef: I...
    TieTuesday: (as the CGI building collapses) This, motherfucker! This happens! And you're in there!
    slowbeef: I don't understand how Dahi̇r İnşaat can help me with this, though.
    TieTuesday: Well, they made the Safe Bed, which is... (CGI Safe Bed pulls the person sleeping on it into itself and closes itself up) Hell.
    slowbeef: (completely loses it)
    TieTuesday: (also laughing) This is...!
    slowbeef: What?! Oh my God!
    TieTuesday: Yo, it just detects an earthquake, and then fuckin' slams you in your hell prison!
    ...
    TieTuesday: Look at all these different designs, though! All my nightmares, here they are! (on a shot of a safe bed with a conveyor belt-style cover) Here's the one with that! I love it!
  • Not to mention the whole Fridge Logic in its design: First, it uses sensors to detect both tremors and if the user's in the right spot to be sucked in. If the user just so happens to be in the way, the bed won't suck them in, leaving them vulnerable to the elements. As the commenters point out, the mechanism can be triggered unintentionally by a neighbor's loud stereo or anyone having sex on the bed. Second, once sucked in, there's no bathroom and all the relief supplies are under the mattress, out of the user's reach. Thirdly, the video does not once address the question of how you're meant to get out! Not to mention:
    TieTuesday: By the way, those [air] vents? Optional. ... Also, I'd like to point out, there was a part where they put a flame barrier around the whole thing, around the outside of the vents.
  • "Also, who the fuck would be willing to climb into this? I'm sorry, I would never fuck someone in this bed. For the record. 'Oh, why's your bed got gull-wing doors?' Cause we're never leaving."
    TieTuesday: (during an earthquake "demonstration") "Oh no, I hope my bed doesn't consume me..." (Safe Bed activates) "My family!"
• Drive Market demonstrates a revolutionary supermarket where you can buy all your groceries without ever leaving your car. By driving your car through a building and having to find a fully-stocked aisle to park at.
  • The hosts proceed to rip it apart for how hilariously inconvenient it is compared to a normal supermarket.
    slowbeef: You've added literal traffic to the supermarket experience!
    TieTuesday: Yeah, it's like- okay, so you know how sometimes you go to a grocery store on like a Sunday, and everybody's fuckin' there at the same time and you're like, "damn, man, it's a big pain in the ass to push all these shopping carts through", and like, there's some old lady fuckin' looking at like, "oh, what kind of Rice-A-Roni do I want tonight?" and you're just like "oh my god" and you can't get around her? Imagine that, but cars. An old lady, staring at Rice-A-Roni, forever, in a Buick.
    ...
    slowbeef: And you know when you go to a supermarket, and two shopping markets hit each other, and it's not a big deal? Not so with Drive Market!
  • The hosts also note there's an entire floor's worth of machines dedicated to sorting and dispensing specific products, only to just dump them all on a single conveyor belt and rely on a human being to sort them a second time for the aisles. Not to mention that there's a much more convenient and inexpensive way to do grocery shopping without leaving your car or even your house: online shopping.
  • It's also noted to reduce impulse buying so customers will save money, which the duo notes is basically the last thing grocery stores want. This alongside their speculation on how much this whole system must cost just to set up, much less use on a constant basis, has them conclude that there is no one, either the store or the customers, that benefits in any way from it.
  • Also, since this is a closed space filled with cars, there's the very real risk of both drivers and staff dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. While the video mentions a "ventilation system", given the aforementioned optional vents in the Earthquake Bed, one has trouble trusting their word on this.
  • When it comes time to demonstrate how the whole system is supposed to work, TieTuesday has a comment on the music choice:
    TieTuesday: Okay, am I out of line here in saying I'm not sure why the music's making me want to get my fuck on, uh, with (starts laughing) the market right now?
    slowbeef: (also laughing) You are not out of line at all, wow!
    TieTuesday: I wanna fuck that Nescafé cup. Damn.
    slowbeef: I wanna fuck that Guinness, which I guess I'm gonna buy while driving, yep.
    TieTuesday: I wanna fuck all these identical fuckin' compact cars.
  • Eventually, the pair decides that the whole thing is actually the most elaborate money laundering scheme in existence.
    slowbeef: No, you're absolutely right, this is absolutely some shady fucking shit going on here. This is like how you sell tanks to terrorists, basically- yeah, you have to get that money pumped through somewhere. Like, "oh my God, I gave ISIS a fucking jet, I need to get rid of $500,000,000 right now."
    TieTuesday: "Dahi̇r İnşaat: I gave ISIS a jet!"
    slowbeef: "...and somehow it was a better grocery shopping solution than the Drive Market. ISIS flies me oranges every now and again, it's one step above Drive Market still."
• If you wanted proof that Dahi̇r İnşaat is a prime example of Incompetence, Inc., look no further than Trauma Center, in which the company proposes a nanotechnology solution to remove cholesterol deposits without (somehow) needing an operation.
  • Just reading the comments is enough to get an idea of how stupidly hazardous this system is.
    ThatDudeWithBoobs: My husband is an EMT, and this is, in his own words, "The most dangerous fucking thing he's ever seen".
  • It works by grinding the cholesterol deposit with goddamn rotary steel blades. With no concrete explanation as to where any of it actually goes once it's ground up - even if it can be assumed it's vacuumed up through the blades and into the tube itself, not every design shown looks capable of that. And it suddenly blocks your blood flow for a number of minutes in preparation for and during the procedure, which translates to a 100% guaranteed stroke, aka the exact thing this device is presumably supposed to prevent. And these are just the beginning of the many, many problems with this thing.
    TieTuesday: "Dahi̇r İnşaat: Let me poke this shit in you!"
  • "Okay, this is straight-up a Contra boss!"
  • Tie further elaborates his thoughts on this in the comments:
    TieTuesday: what's amazing is that there's so much wrong about this that I couldn't even process far enough to say "STENTS ALREADY SOLVE THIS PROBLEM" like... this is just the most dangerous way to have any kind of endoarterial tool it's hilarious
• Green Future City shows a strange looking city of their design.
  • TieTuesday asks slowbeef how many buildings are buildings and how many are greenhouses before he reveals the big twist to slowbeef.
    TieTuesday: Here's the thing I was trying to get at.
    slowbeef: Oh, no.
    TieTuesday: (whispers) That outer ring is all greenhouses. (starts laughing)
    slowbeef: I figured, but...
    TieTuesday: (continues laughing) Welcome to the world's most impossible-to-deal-with farm!
  • The duo see so many problems with this odd city of greenhouses surrounding the actual city - including how, exactly, greenhouses with no manner for humans to physically reach above the first "floor" of them are supposed to have their produce actually harvested,^note Neither notices that the growing boxes are all mounted on Dahi̇r İnşaat's trademark conveyor belts - just like the shelving in the drive-through supermarket. or how anyone could possibly afford this sort of thing - that they can only come to the conclusion that Dahi̇r İnşaat played SimCity and thought real urban development was as simple as it is in that game.
    TieTuesday: Yeah, like, you're building a fucking bonus city around the outside of the city, but instead of for people... rhubarb lives there. (both start laughing) That's so much money! You can't do that!
    slowbeef: I don't understand, though, like... that's where I have to leave it, I don't understand.
    TieTuesday: It's, like, someone played SimCity or one of the SimCity-like games and was like, "oh, I'll just fuckin' plop these down, it'll be fine!"
    slowbeef: This is, like, billions of dollars.
    TieTuesday: Oh, God. More, more, oh God, easily more. This is... stupid amount of money. For each of these! Each of these is millions, easily, and you're building a city worth of them.
    slowbeef: But like, why don't you just stop at virtual farm? Like, the guy making these computer graphics is like "no! This is just the beginning! We need to build it higher and bigger!"
    TieTuesday: Here's the other thing with this, um... I don't know if they've ever fuckin' been to America, or the Midwest? (slowbeef laughs) Lemme tell you, we are not running out of space. I can drive for hours and see nothing but cornfield, pal, we don't need this yet.
• Dahi̇r İnşaat Presents.... OH MY GOD has to be seen to be believed.
  • The video shows random CGI footage of different military bases alongside the product, which is a truck trailer that automatically assembles (rather flimsily) into a giant armed quadcopter. Nearly the entire video after that simply turns into various similarly impractically-designed quadcopters blowing shit up, including using multiple missiles to blow up a single house!
    TieTuesday: THEY'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT 'EM!
  • What makes it even better is that no attempt is made to explain how a gigantic yet flimsy quadcopter put together from five trucks avoids being detected mid-assembly or shot down once it's in the air. The first demonstration even shows anti-air missiles being fired at it halfway through its rampage... and it just destroys the launchers afterwards, Dahi̇r İnşaat apparently believing missiles stop existing or something if their launcher is destroyed.
  • When the quadcopter starts destroying the military base all by itself, slowbeef and TieTuesday start making the obligatory references:
    TieTuesday: A weapon to surpass Metal Gear! The fruit truck!
    slowbeef: The Shagohod v2!
  • They point out in a later video that disguising a weapon of war as a civilian vehicle the way this thing does is actually a war crime.
  • Tie sounding particularly bitter during The Stinger.
    TieTuesday: "Dahi̇r İnşaat: Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em. Just... fuck 'em."
• Dahi̇r İnşaat's Message to Vladimir Putin is a pitch to Vladimir Putin (with an English translation, for some reason) for various methods of city construction, thinking the problem with Russia's housing crisis is simply that there aren't enough houses.
  • Slowbeef and TieTuesday have a field day riffing on the various methods shown, including some previously seen such as the instant-service restaurant and the drive-thru market.
    slowbeef: Basically, they're leveraging a few of their technologies here, to make cities that they can build in exactly two years, to solve Russia's housing crisis. And I guess they're doing it in English so if one day he happens to be talking to Obama about something, like, Obama could- "by the way, did you hear about this turnkey city thing" and Putin's like "oh, wait a sec, I think I saw that in my recommended videos".
    TieTuesday: (chuckles) If I've learned anything from the Olympics, it's that hasty construction in Russia is great! (more laughter)
    slowbeef: So, basically, this is like a little potpourri of some of the other Dahi̇r İnşaat videos...
    TieTuesday: Yeah, greatest hits.
    slowbeef: Yeah, and... (the video mentions "seismically secure buildings") It's seismically secure, by the way, so you hopefully won't need the Safety Bed.
    TieTuesday: I mean, they're still in every room. We made them, they're there.
    slowbeef: They have them on surplus, yeah. And the idea is they can build one whole city in two years... they don't explain how, with a housing crisis, like, people will pay for their new houses or anything?
    TieTuesday: I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding of what a "housing crisis", a lot of times, means. Cause like, there's housing crises in some areas with a lot of abandoned houses, but like... that's not always...
    slowbeef: You know what's funny is, I feel like some of these city solutions come from maybe an episode of ALF they saw or something like that? Like, there was an episode where Alf becomes President, and he says like, "I gave the unemployed jobs building homes for the homeless", and it's like, hahaha, little sitcom joke, but Dahi̇r İnşaat's like, "wait, that could work!"
  • The most confusing part of it all is that this was never actually directly sent to Putin; as Slowbeef points out, the description of the video simply has Dahi̇r İnşaat's email, as if expecting that Putin would just look up their video and decide to call them up.
• Dahi̇r İnşaat Presents Quadcopter with Conveyor Belts? features possibly Dahi̇r İnşaat's most blazingly impractical product yet: transporting large materials with a combination of both a quadcopter and 2 trucks attached to it.
  • Even though the video itself is only a minute thirty long, the duo need more than eleven minutes to describe all the obvious logistical nightmares this system presents:
    slowbeef: I'm gonna ask this question sincerely, because maybe it is something I'm missing here: If you can airlift the thing on your quadcopter... what do the trucks do? For you?
    (Beat)
    slowbeef: Like, if you could airlift the thing, why don't you just airlift it? Why am I attaching it to cables on the ground?
    TieTuesday: (bluntly) Well I'll be fucked.
    (slowbeef and TT crack up)
  • Later in the video, they start to theorize that the large cables are actually for power as the quadcopter itself doesn't seem to have any sort of power source, which causes Slowbeef to raise the question of how the "death quadcopter" was ever powered, as it didn't have any sort of visible battery either. TieTuesday calls him out on how he only just realized that was an issue now.
  • TieTuesday has a field day when he notices that the two trucks coordinate detaching and reattaching the power cables by way of flag semaphore despite Dahi̇r İnşaat's obsession with technology in ludicrously-specific applications, or the fact that the trucks are spaced closely enough they could just yell to one another.
    TieTuesday: Dahi̇r İnşaat: What's Bluetooth? Use a flag!
    slowbeef: (cracks up) Technology can't solve all your problems, okay?
    TieTuesday: "Uh, sir, we don't have the white flags." "Well, you can't talk to 'em then, man." "I mean, we're literally a truck's length away, I can just yell." "Unacceptable. Go get a flag." "All we have is Brazils, dude." "Well, will he recognize it?" "I mean, I guess I can use it for flag semaphore, but I could just yell." "No!" "I have a cell phone!" "Flags. There is a system, this is how we got this approved, and we will use it. This is regulation, OSHA demands flag semaphore."
• Rescue Mission! showcases a remote controlled mini-tank with a decidedly phallic primary weapon ("there's a bepis on the front of that jeepis") and way more weaponry and ammo than it should rightfully be able to carry.
  • It's demonstrated with an elaborate cinematic where three drones are sent to rescue a wounded soldier in an urban combat zone... where it quickly becomes clear that the drones' success is entirely dependent on them not having any sort of ammo limitation while being sent up against enemy soldiers who can't hit the broad side of a barn and vehicles that are made of tissue paper, missing functionality they should have like thermal imaging, and so unresponsive they may as well be abandoned. When they finally do reach the wounded soldier holed up in a building, they pull him out using a Safe Bed-esque platform on wheels, which the soldier has to pull himself onto while bleeding out, and which later drives through a cloud of tear gas (not to mention that, much like the death quadcopter, the video flat-out ignores that military use of tear gas is also illegal).
  • Midway through the mission, one of the drones is taken out of commission by a helicopter barrage, leading its companion to shoot down the helicopter, shoot it again for good measure, then survey the damage.
    TieTuesday: Dude, the robots have learned compassion.
    slowbeef: That's what I'm saying, what the hell is this part? "I'll take a picture to remember you, drone tank."
    TieTuesday: Maybe that drone was, perhaps... (drone explodes) the most human of us all.
  • The duo have a laugh when, of all the things in the video they decided to come even close to representing reality with, they decide to have the drone fuck up in the opening maneuverability test by knocking over one of the road cones.
  • slowbeef makes note of his favorite part, where an enemy soldier hides behind a wall after taking fire from one of the drones and starts doing the sign of the cross several times at high speed.

Retsupurae Kids

Starting in mid-2017, slowbeef and TieTuesday took a look at some "kids animations" from Fun Kids Smile: after slowbeef's daughter watched some Mickey Mouse cartoons on YouTube, he saw a video of theirs called "Mickey Mouse Needs To PEE On Minnie Mouse's BATHTUB Funny Story! Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Cartoons" on the related videos section. Let's just say that any kids that find themselves watching these videos will probably be scarred for life, while adults would think Walt Disney's spinning over in his grave nonstop after seeing the situations Disney's characters find themselves under.

• Retsupurae Kids! Mackey Mouse Pee Party With Golfy
  • The titular sketch. Off-brand Mickey drinks too much water after going for a run, but his son (?), Baby Mickey, refuses to get off the toilet. What's a dad to do? Take a piss in the bathtub, of course! Unfortunately for Minnie...
    TieTuesday: "Hey guys, remember that time I pissed on my wife? That was good shit, huh?"
    slowbeef: [giggling] "She sat in my- she sat right in my pee!" Yeah, it's-
    TieTuesday: Yeah. No, that's the kind of thing you take to the grave, I think. Like, that's the kind of thing that, like, if you did that, you're just like "Oh my god, no one must ever know that I did this or I'm getting divorced." Like, this cannot be a thing!
  • Tie's reaction to Goofy's butt which shifts from gleeful to bewildered over the course of the series.
  • slowbeef points out at one point how nonsensical it is for the video to have Creative Commons license text for Kevin MacLeod's royalty-free music when they clearly don't give a shit about copyright or ownership given the sketches themselves are all about stolen Disney characters.
  • The appearance of Donald. Good god, Donald, what the hell did they do to you?!
• Retsupurae Kids: Joker Mouse Lethal Injection also Golfy and Dracula
  • This exchange during a sketch where a very buff Mickey invites Minnie out on a date:
    slowbeef: I'm not comfortable with what's happenin- WHAT THE FUCK?!
    TieTuesday: Holy shit, I can't believe you drive a fucking gamer mouse!
    slowbeef: [laughing]
    TieTuesday: "Yeah, it's adjustable, I got like 25 screws underneath, I don't even know what half of 'em do, I just kinda crank 'em rapidly and you'll figure out what feels good! Whatever, no big deal!"
    slowbeef: That's what all the good Kingdom Hearts money gets you.
    TieTuesday: [doing a Mickey impression] "Here, let me open the door to darkness to my Lamborghini!"
  • This sums up the entirety of Retsupurae Kids:
    TieTuesday: What are these horny mouse cartoons you're showing me?!
    slowbeef: I don't know! I- I really don't! It's- they're all either really violent or sexy and I don't know what's going on!
  • Dracula just appearing out of nowhere, only to get defeated in a rather... interesting way.
    slowbeef: Oh, Dracula cures bee stings? Is that a thing?
• Retsupurae Kids: Mackey Mouse Dies Violently And That's Not Even The Worst Part
  • In which Mickey repeatedly kicks a turtle in the head and faces the consequences:
    TieTuesday: Turtle gon' bite his ding-dong? HOLY SHIT! Turtle gon' bite his ding-dong!
  • Donald reappears:
    TieTuesday: Yo, there's my squad! There's Donald wearin' his Superman shirt! That's classic Donald Duck!

Other

• Slowbeef tended to put snarky comments in the tag section before YouTube made them invisible. Some of the funnier ones include:
  • A Look Into Ancient LP Technology ^note let's play super mario world 2010 antiquated LP technology not bad but also unnecessary we suck at identifying accents passports will get revoked because of this video
  • Coming this fall... ^note let's play chrono trigger movie preview smarmy jerk head up own ass coming soon anime nerd
  • Execute LP Protocol #2: Dash-Da-Dash ^note let's play dash-da-dash humanity is no longer needed for LP keep diff down
  • Horror! ...No, that's really the game's name. ^note let's play retsupurae newgrounds horror what the hell is this garbage
  • Let's Play... What the hell is this? ^note what has to be going through your masked friggin head
  • The LP is terrible... I hope it doesn't last ^note let's play charlie and the chocolate factory there is no life know to compare with pure imagination imagine being dead when watching this garbage video not safe for diabetus
  • Retsufrash - Arrival in Hell ^note retsufrash newgrounds arrival in hell prison puzzles with solutions no human mind would think of
  • Rijno and Darknessthecurse review Brave Fencer Musashi ^note let's play afterglow come on at least line up the camcorder
  • Super Bummerman 2 ^note let's play super bomberman or is it bummerman i'm sorry coach I'll learn to read please let me football
  • This is Kokiri Forest [citation needed] ^note let's play zelda ocarina of time kokiri forest LP 2.0 PiP whada deku scrub
  • Tower of Horrible Voices ^note let's play tower of heaven more like hell shut up horrible voice unfunny gimmick worst everything
  • The Unfair Retsupurae ^note et's play the unfair platformer hard game how are videos like this considered successful
  • You will not make it through this video ^note let's play zelda majora's mask oh my goodness what is that voice you are scaring the children
• In February 2008, Retsupurae reuploaded a trio of anti-RP rants to their channel, unedited and without commentary. Notably, all three ranters believe that Retsupurae is one person.
  • "Alright I am pissed off right now about Retsupurae!": The ranter begins by saying that he doesn't want to swear... but a minute into the video, he exclaims "What the fuck is wrong with you guys?" He also repeatedly calls Retsupurae an "asshat".
  • Elly20XX's Message for Retsupurae (removed from YouTube for hate speech), by some guy who seems to have a severe head cold, making him sound like a cartoon character.
  • Velos Tells You What He Thinks of Retsupurae, created by a visibly overweight Internet Jerk in response to the RP team riffing on one of his friend's videos:
    Velos: [completely unemotionally] If [Cloud8745] ever met you in real life, he'd kick your ass. And if I met you in real life, I'd fucking kill you right now. 'Cause you will go down in hell. I'll haunt you. Yeah. I'll kill you.
    • The video is filmed with the offending retsupurae playing in the background. This has the unintentional side effect of the video ending with slowbeef saying "calm down" just after Velos has delivered a profanity-laced rant that includes death threats.
• A Day in the Life of DarkSydePhil: Quite a couple in this collab of clips, most of which parody DarkSydePhil being Too Incompetent to Operate a Blanket.
  • Slowbeef's first scene, where he struggles to use a shower.
    slowbeef: I'm not getting clean!
  • His second scene, featuring him attempting to unlock an iPad.
  • The scene where Sebmal slaps an Xbox 360 game (still in the case) around an NES in an attempt to get it to work.
    Sebmal: Oh, wow, it doesn't even fit! Thanks for such a shitty video game console, Sega!
  • The pencil sharpener scene:
    James Lewell: How am I supposed to write the essay if it takes my pencil away from me! Where'd it go? [...] Why is there a boat here? Am I supposed to ride the boat to school?
  • Psychedelic Eyeball's attempt to draw a floppy-eared dog can't go unmentioned.
• A Deeper Connection With Newgrounds. Simply put: the Carousel pitch from Mad Men plus Meet 'n Fuck Kingdom.
• Adults React To PewDiePie is truly a wonder to behold, with Retsupurae fans, and even slowbeef and Diabetus themselves using the "scare cam" concept to insult PewDiePie over several of his videos. Some of the funnier reactions to PDP's videos include:
  • A woman opens a bottle of headache pills when PewDiePie starts screaming, and when the Sensory Abuse continues, pours the whole bottle into her hand.
  • Slowbeef's first scene.
    slowbeef: (sighs) Ya know, maybe I'm making too much of this, maybe it's not so bad. I'm sure it's got its own appeal, and there's probably nothing really that terrible in these videos, I mean, ya know-
    PewDiePie: (In the video slowbeef is watching) Oh, he's raping her!
    slowbeef: I'm sorry, what was that?
  • A man loading an assault rifle and putting it into his mouth.
  • A man smoking a bong onscreen.^note He is mistaken for Dave_O, when he is actually Red Mercer.
  • Diabetus's four appearances reading off a number of PewDiePie's more disturbing titles, culminating in a caption that reads "FUCKING SERIOUSLY, ACTUAL VIDEO TITLES. ACTUAL VIDEO TITLES. HOW DOES HE LIVE WITH HIMSELF?!?!"
  • A man vomiting in disgust.
  • A man simply repeating "30 000 likes. 30 000 likes." in sheer disbelief.
  • A man declaring "There is no God," and slashing his wrists.
  • A man making a phone call, reporting PewDiePie as a crime against humanity. Later, when it cuts back to the same goon, he finds out that numerous reports have already been made against Pewdie.
  • The numerous Screw This, I'm Outta Here reactions.
  • "There is a human being out there who watched one on these videos and thought to themself, "Yeah... I'm gonna date that."
  • "Oh! Oh! OH! OH GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD! Oh, it's a gimmick."
  • Slowbeef declaring that this can't get any worse, then we see a giant purple head from Ao Oni with PDP's mouth imposed on it...
    slowbeef: I give up. There is no bottom as to how bad this gets.
    Purple Head: IT'S RAPING TIME.
    slowbeef: Okay, there is that.
  • Due to PDP's overzealous fans flagging the video and limiting it to accounts 18 or older, slowbeef released a "Rated E for Everyone" version that censored the pill bottle, the bong, the machine gun, the drinking, and the wrist-slashing. Said censorship includes replacing the bottle of pills with Tic-Tacs, the Jack Daniels with Coke Zero, and the weapons with a picture of Bill Gates. Also, a scene was added that wasn't in the original video. However, all of PDP's footage was intact, every curse word and instance of the word "rape" still remained. Showing just how broken YouTube's system really is.
  • In the Retsutalk about the video, Diabetus sums up PewDiePie's style thusly,
    "I have no content, and I must scream."
  • Slowbeef intentionally imitating PewDiePie's video style, poking fun at how he makes his videos in general while faking enthusiasm and plastering the videos with millions of annotations poking fun at the the overadvertising of it all.
    • After slowbeef takes drink from his mug:
    Annotation: What is that, buttermilk? YOU FAT SHIT!
    Second Annotation pointing to the first: Bodysh aming!
    Third Annotation: Skeleton Warrior MUCH??!? LOL!
    Fourth Annotation: What are you, an MRA idito from Reddit?
    Annotation beneath the scare cam: Talk about this video in the My Little Pony forums.
    Annotation in top right corner: Please subscribe, I am desperate!
    Annotation that completely covers Slowbeef's reaction window: ProtonJon!
    • At the very beginning of the Happy Wheels video, slowbeef laughing at the dog food advertisement that he intentionally left in the recording.
• A Public Service Announcement For You: slowbeef makes a (now-defunct, though you can see its former contents here) website for Retsupurae, while Diabetus makes a (still-going) Twitter account for the group. Neither one gets a good response from the other.
  Diabetus: Did you spray-paint the top with gray paint - what is this? How much time did you spend on this?
  slowbeef: I spent a lot of time (the footage switches over to a Twitter page) - well, if you're gonna be talking about shit, what is this now?
  Diabetus: It's... it's how people connect to each other, it's called "Twitter". You may have heard of it.
  slowbeef: You made a fucking Twitter (the camera shows the tab page, with "Diabetus & Slowbeef" visible) and you put my name on it?!
  Diabetus: Duh!
  slowbeef: W... are you out of -
  Diabetus: Once our account kicks the bucket, how are people gonna know what we're doing, and I -
  slowbeef: (At the same time) I'm not - I'm not tweeting!
  (The camera pans right, showing that the page has zero followers.)
  Diabetus: Look how popular we are! Come on!
  (...)
  slowbeef: Oh, god! "Making a crappy website"... Yeah, here's what I say to that: (slowbeef begins typing in the Google search bar) "Can we be gayer?" 'Cause... I don't know how we could. (slowbeef types "gameguy" after the above question) Wait... yes I do.
• Don't Watch This.
  • Slowbeef forces Chip Cheezum to watch a hentai readalong (censored, mind you) as revenge for making Slowbeef watch the garbage life video. Chip's utter disbelief over it is astounding!
    Chip: It has 12,000 views and one dislike!
    Slowbeef: (Laughing) Chip's the one.
  • Wait for it... (Don't Watch This Edition), a continuation where Slowbeef reads a post related to the reader's critique on a sex toy. Things get really, really uncomfortable, really fast.
• Let's... I Can't Even Pretend To Guess.
  (Various clips of penguins set through a WMM filter and set to the reprise of Jimmy T's song from WarioWare Smooth Moves; several seconds of stunned silence.)
  slowbeef: All right, what.
  Diabetus: Are, uh, we in a club?
  Slowbeef: I, uh... This is a Let's Play, right?
  (Text reading "LordPenguin777 Presents:" appears.)
  Diabetus: Oh, I get it. Wait, no I don't.
  ...
  slowbeef: ...that was like Hunter S. Thompson playing video games.
• Metroid Machina Makes Me Maddingly Miserable:
  slowbeef: Oh man, she "aquaired" the grapple!
  Diabetus: My aqua-aired...
  slowbeef: I think Grapple Aqua-aired is like a drink... it's like a juice.
  • Their reaction to the intro:
    Diabetus: Oh my god, the soundtrack's dying.
    slowbeef: Yeah, this is really painful to listen to.
    Diabetus: DRRRRRRRR DRRRRRRR
    slowbeef: The Metroid theme, as done by nails on chalkboard.
• Mortal Konversation^note formerly Press F D F HP: Perform Animationality: their riff on Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins in all its poorly-animated glory.
  • In particular, Part 3 ending a few seconds after a horribly animated, freakish close up on Sonya Blade's screaming face caused a good few chuckles, as well as certain mash ups.
    Diabetus: Good place to stop.
  • Johnny Cage's inexplicable backwalking animation during the Tarkatan mook fight sequence in part 3 and 4, which slowbeef interprets as moongrappling. It has inspired this video, which is visible in the favorites list on the RP YouTube account.
• The Most Shameful Thing In The World: Don't watch if you like Haruhi. You won't after this video.
  "With the amount of dignity lost, I don't see how this could possibly get any.." (Record Needle Scratch) "...worse?"
  • The Even More Most Shameful Thing In The World:
    "Is this what anime did to America? Is this revenge on us for dropping the bombs?"
• OH HELL YES I AM DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS: In which the duo comment over someone playing a face-maker game... While playing Disturbed music, of all things. The kicker is when they pretend to be Occidental Otaku who think this is awesome.
  Diabetus: FULL-DEATH-METAL ALCHEMIST, BRO!
• The two videos making fun of inane content on Vimeo:
  • Praying Dumbass:
  slowbeef: "I saw this thing in my house! What the hell is this? I got no idea! Other things I don't know: Google.com, what the hell is that? Wikipedia, what the hell is that? Asking a friend, I have no idea how to do that! The only thing I can do is film stuff and use Vimeo.com as my only avenue of knowledge! What the hell was that-" It's a praying mantis you fucking idiot.
  • Following this is the "Sandwich" Video.
    slowbeef: Hey everyone, I wanted to introduce to you a great video by Jacob. I hope the title doesn't give it away because there is a lot to it, and I wouldn't want you missing it. Take a look.
    [plays video of a sandwich and milk being consumed in 10 seconds]
    slowbeef: STUNNING! "Sandwich" By Jacob, that's great. You know what's great about this video, too, is it actually took longer to make the sandwich than the video. And you know what else is great? In a few hours, they'll be the same thing!
• Transformers Review? has slowbeef and Proteus getting more exasperated as AllieRX87 vents his rage at a game for a long time.
  slowbeef: Ok, we get it! You didn't like the game. Was this necessary?
• The Ultimate Challenge: What might be THE defining moment in the history of combining a LP and a package of pizza rolls.
  Proteus: He has - He has bigger tits than my girl...

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