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Funny / Proton Jon Fortune Cookie 2019

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  • Fortune Cookie: First Cookie of 2019 Edition
    • The various clips based on Typing of The Dead.
    • Just as he did in 2016, Jon ends up playing Big Bumpin` when it comes up on Cookie - and, just as in 2016, finds that the servers are still online and he even gets a full lobby for a multiplayer match.
    • The Scooby-Doo game played gave Velma the power to stop time and turn invisible, and her sneaking resembles a Naruto character running really slowly. This instantly led to comparisons (and edited pictures on Twitter) with Bayonetta, Dio, Naruto himself, and the "I have the power of God and Anime on my side" kid.
      Jon: "Now I am Velma, destroyer of worlds."
  • Fortune Cookie: Playable Pet Cat Edition
    • As the title suggests, Override: Mech City Brawl's Epic-level Bagel skin for Mya has debuted, and Jon opens the stream by showing it off. Fittingly enough, he's immediately matched against a Vidar, coincidentally the character that Tenchi latched onto for his "Get Back Here!" Boss potential.
      • Just as fittingly — and perhaps inevitably, given his luck — Override immediately gets glitchy. note  This leads to bizarre moments like robots hanging in the air, teleporting attacks, and Jon picking up a gun that completely fails to fire.
      • Amazingly enough, despite the circumstances, Jon gets matched up against the same player three times. He even apologizes for this at the start of their third match.
      • After showing off Bagel!Mya in several online matches, Jon decides to test out the two new characters, Stardust and Maestro, putting the latter as a CPU opponent in his first test match. Near the end of the fight, CPU!Maestro abruptly stops moving entirely, just as Jon comments "Guess it's a good old-fashioned brawl after all." An awkward stand-off follows, with Jon tentatively edging closer to Maestro and getting spooked off by a single, small hand sweep before the AI goes back to standing motionless again.
      • For his final match, Jon attempts to use Maestro's music to tame three savage Bagel!Myas. This goes about as well as can be expected, though Jon at least gets to use his special first.
    • During a run of Death Road to Canada, one Sadistic Choice leads to a near-Total Party Wipe... and a distressingly well-timed Falcon death. Jon takes this well:
      Jon: "Literally only Ginny survived!" [Falcon dies] "WHO TIMED THAT MURDER SOUND?! What is wrong with you?!"
    • That same session also features Trent, a cheerfully clumsy black dog whom Jon realizes bears a slight resemblance to Trucknuts McFucknuts... causing Camille to do a verbal double take at the name. For some reason, Trent's Shooting keeps improving despite being a dog and unable to actually handle guns. Save for carrying them in his mouth in rather awkward fashion.
  • Fortune Cookie: Happy Birthday D.C. Douglas! Edition
  • Fortune Cookie: It Won't Stop Being -30 C Outside Edition
  • Fortune Cookie: Don't! Touch! Anything! Edition!
    • When starting up Initial D: Extreme Stage, Jon tries to enter his name as "Beep Beep". However, due to the character limit, he ends up with "Beep B".
  • Fortune Cookie: "My Greatest Adversary, Everything" Edition
    • The first cookie of the night ended up being Okami HD for the Xbox One. There's just one problem: his Xbox One console hadn't been turned on in a long time. This ends up causing problems, mainly that Okami won't launch. Jon decides to play the PS2 version, with the long cutscene included. He decides to try to race his Xbox One with the part where he can get to gameplay. Okami PS2 wins. When his Xbox One gets running, he decides to see how long he can get to gameplay by skipping the cutscenes. His time to a save point on the XBO? 49 seconds! For the PS2, it was 19 minutes.
    • An early art in the stream featured Jumney drawing female ProtonJon playing the saxophone. Jon makes some comment. Jumney responds by dropping the mic.
      • Followed by a solid moment of Jon corpsing and realizing the preview for the video broke.
      Jon "It was such a mic drop that it broke the Dropbox!"
    • During the Wii version of The Price Is Right, Jon gets hit with some unbelievable good luck and unbelievable bad luck.
      • On the front of good luck, during one Contestant's Row, Jon bids $1000, then gets annoyed when one of the AI players after him bids $1001...only for Jon to win because the price was exactly $1000.
      • On the front of bad luck, Jon spins the Big Wheel first and gets a commanding .95... only for both of the AI players to spin .95 and tie him, which led to Jon losing the tiebreaker.
  • Fortune Cookie: Never Enough Time Edition
    • During one round of co-com suggestions, Gex suggests Mario Super Sluggers, much to Jon's chagrin since he didn't like Mario Superstar Baseball. After it manages to pull ahead of the Switch port of The World Ends with You and win the poll, Jon goes and fetches the game, only to come back and reveal HE DOESN'T OWN THE GAME. Gex immediately goes on the defense, assuming Jon already had the game in his possession, despite the fact Jon catalogs his game collection and, as mentioned before, didn't like the game's predecessor on the GameCube. With this in mind, Jon declares The World Ends with You as the actual winner of the poll.
  • Fortune Cookie: Everything Happened at Once Edition
    • The stream opens with Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball, which Jon confesses was meant to be an April Fool's gag where he and several other streamers attempted to see how high they could get a random bad game on Twitch's rankings. He spends most of the game struggling with the game's spotty net detection, as many shots that seem like they should go in fail... and then the computer manages to score while directly underneath the net.
  • Fortune Cookie: "I Can See the Floor Again, Almost..." Edition
    • While showing off Super Mario Maker 2's Multiplayer Mode, one of the stages proves to be a Luck-Based Mission due to the moving platform in the final area. First time Jon makes it there, it's nowhere in sight, and he revives in the first area to find it completely chaotic courtesy of a Lakitu gradually flooding it with Spinies. Things only keep rolling downhill from there.
    • Jon's goal for the first game is simply to get enough wins in Multiplayer Mode to bump himself up to C-Rank. Despite only needing three victories, this proves much harder than anticipated, and culminates in him attempting to softlock the game for the others by stealing a springboard.
  • Fortune Cookie: Back At Full Power Just In Time To Leave Next Week Edition
  • Fortune Cookie: ConBravo's Next Week Edition
    • Due to setting a sub goal of 5000 from the last Mario Maker 2 stream, chat has taken upon themselves to gift out a huge amount of subs, with Tenchi and Kasperr egging on the chat for sub bombs and constantly asking Jon "Are we there yet?"
    • Aside from the very first game, Blazing Chrome, every single game ends up being about ducks: Duck Game, Quackshot, Duck Dodgers in the 24th and 1/2 Century...and most notably, Donald Duck: Goin' Qu@ckers, which was nominated by a co-host as the final game AND appeared as the FINAL Fortune Cookie draw, an event so improbable that Jon was in complete and utter disbelief.
  • Fortune Cookie: Let's Video Game, Maybe? Edition
  • Fortune Cookie: Can't Stop Teaching Edition
    • Jon joked on the Friday stream before this that there would be a required essay for his "SNK history lesson". Lo and behold, someone actually did make a nine-page essay... And then it turned out some parts were from Wikipedia, leading people to jokingly accuse them of plagiarism.
    • Of all games, Science Papa for Wii shows up, and Jon has some fun, given his... loose grasp of chemistry.
      • Jon's feats of impossibility include making soap dirty and setting water on fire.
      • Jon is told to make bleach, and Dan jokes that after that he'll be asked to make some soap to clean the sink. He is promptly told to make soap, surprising everyone in the process.
  • Fortune Cookie: Saturday, the 14th Edition
    • After reacting with dismay to the chat pointing out that the armored heroines in The Princess Guide still have Jiggle Physics, Jon selects Alpana and is startled by a different sort of animation.
      Jon: [as Alpana rapidly gyrates while speaking calmly] "What is this motion?! What is this motion?!" [suddenly reverts to normal, slow animation] "Oh, she stopped."
      [reads line, advances to next textbox, Alpana starts wildly bouncing again]
      Jon: "What is this motion?!" [later] "'Ah, you must not move.' I will do all the moving for you and the rest of humanity, apparently."
    • Among the game's offered personalities for the protagonist is 'Perverted'. Naturally, Jon chooses this, leading to Bartholomew the Eccentric female Hero Knight-turned-Instructor/Pon-Pon analogue writing some interesting notes in her diary, and Jon declaring that he needs to double-check the game's rating, only for Bubba to confirm that it's T.
  • Fortune Cookie: One Year of Going Home & Being a Family Man Edition
    • After finishing the NES version of Family Feud, Jon comments that all of the game's answers are likely up on GameFAQs, and decides to check. Jewker abruptly makes a confession:
      Jewker: "Alright, I'm gonna be real with you. I actually was checking just in case... None of the questions we had were up there, ever."
      Jon: "What?"
      Jewker: "Yeah. 'Cuz I was like 'Alright, I'm gonna secretly CTRL-F'—" [StickerMitch bursts out laughing] "—check if they were there—"
      StickerMitch: "You... you dirty, dirty CHEATER!"
      Jewker: "How the fuck were they not up there? I'm willing to admit it. I didn't cheat, though. I can't cheat if there's nothing to look at!"
    • One of the Eggs following Family Feud casts Kanji Tatsumi as The Emperor, using a clip from Hiimdaisy's Big Long Persona 4 Comic. However, a well-timed donation makes it sound as though Kanji has a chainsaw:
      Goldman: "Show yourself! Our new ruler, the Emperor!"
      Kanji: [over dramatic thud and chainsaw revving] "You sayin' I like dudes?"
      RobertCop: "AAAAAAAAAHHH!"
      Yosuke & Chie: "AAAAAAAAAAA—!"
      Narrator: "And then there was a wacky chase scene!"
      Kanji: "No come back I love girls!"
      Jon: [laughing, mystified] "...What was that from?"
    • Lifeline returns, much to Jon's dismay. After playing around with the Bonus Mode for a bit...
      Jon: "Alright, we've stalled as long as we can..." [to Rio] "Hello."
      Rio: [silently stands up]
      Jon: "Hi."
      Rio: [annoyed sing-song] "What is it...?"
      Jon: "...Bark like a dog."
      Rio: "Little dog, arf arf, or big dog, wuff-wuff?"
      Jon: "...Alright, that's gonna do it for tonight, everybody!" [chuckles] "...Tell a joke."
      Rio: [sarcastic] "Ha, ha. Don't worry, there are plenty of ways for me to die in here."
      Jon: [sputter-laughing]
    • As it turns out, Jon had quit the game right before entering the Sun Suite, which requires a two-part verbal password. Rio recites the first part, Jon has to recite the second, and then they have to recite the whole poem in unison. Jon's mounting frustration is outdone by Rio. Ironically, it works on the attempt where he rushes through it.
      Jewker: "Now say it backwards."
    • The game's also just as bizarrely obtuse with its expected commands as ever, to Jon's ongoing frustration.
  • Fortune Cookie: Not So Spooky Stream Edition
    • Jon starts off the stream playing Crossniq+. He got a rank online earlier in the day when he was playing just for fun, except he typed his name in as "PQOTONJON" instead of "PROTONJON". When he goes to put his name in later, he checks to see if he really did misread the "Q" as an "R".
      Jon: "Yeah, that's the Q. How did I make that bad a mistake? Huh."
      [proceeds to correct his name: PRPTONKGG]
      Jon: "...OKAY! Maybe I... need to get checked out by a doctor!"
      • He then discovers that for some reason, he can't go down from the "G" (which looks a lot like the "O" because of the font) to the "N".
    • Prior to that, he checks out the game's largest grid option, 16 by 16, for the first time, and bursts out laughing at the sight.
    • One vote comes down to a close race between Spyro 2: Ripto's Rage! and Resident Evil 2. So close, in fact, that at the moment the timer runs out, both have 183 votes. Then the next two votes to come in raise them up to 184 each, respectively.
  • Fortune Cookie: Happy Canadian Thanksgiving Weekend Everyone! Edition
  • Fortune Cookie: Back At It Again Edition
  • Fortune Cookie: Off-Grey Saturday Edition
    • Someone suggests making a custom Bit Cup with a bra instead of a cup. Jon wants to concede, but admits that two parts of him are in constant battle over good idea/bad idea.
      Dan: "And they both need support!"
      Jon: [laughing halfway through] "I fucking hate you right now."
  • High-Risk Fortune Cookie: "Left or Right?" Edition
    • A new alert debuts. Rather than the Bit bra, it uses the Wario Land buckets, with a random chance of something other than a Bit landing on Wario's head. Naturally, the stream opens with one of the rare animations immediately triggering, forcing Jon to take a moment to avoid breaking down laughing.
    • Jon plays through The Ninja Saviors: Return of the Warriors, unlocking one of the new characters: Yaksha. He decides to give her a whirl before moving on, and is taken aback by her distinct character design.
    • Jon marvels at the backstory of SoulBlazer, wherein a greedy king makes a deal with the King of Evil, Deathtoll, and agrees to sacrifice every living creature in the world to him... for a single gold coin each. Jewker comments that they really can't top that kind of introduction.
    • Deathtoll also inspires the hero's name: Lifetax.
    • The guards of the first village leave a lot to be desired. One decides his post isn't necessary and lets Lifetax right on through, while another asks him to turn the wheel that will open the way to the Underground Castle for him. Jon agrees with Jewker that he "definitely got Huck Finn'd."
      Jewker: "Everyone in this village sucks. I hate them all, except Grandma."
      Jon: [having finished with the wheel] "You couldn't turn that?"
      Guard: "Oh, no wonder! I was turning it the wrong way!"
      Jon: "Oh my god..."
  • Fortune Cookie: Space Heater Edition
    • During Ninja Gaiden Black, the co-comms go off giving Chuck Norris-esque facts about Miyamoto Musashi, namely ones that were designed to make him look like an asshole.
    • Jon raids the same guy from the Let's Just See What Happens Edition of Fortune Cookie. He remembered.
      Alex: "Proton Jon was here like 2 years ago and I brought up Superman 64, but I'm not gonna do that again."
  • Fortune Cookie: The End of the '10's Edition
    • Jon's first game in SuperMash is a combination JRPG/Metroidvania titled Overbearing Annihilation. As it opens on 'CHAPTER 3: Song of Bonding', Wesker starts yodeling. Made even funnier by how alerts were backed up, yet this still managed perfect timing.
      Jon: [laughing] "There it is! There's the song of bonding right there!"
    • Kirby's Dream Course wins a cookie and Jon decides to play a match against co-comm SmashToons using Nintendo Switch Online. Hijinks ensue, including but not limited to random SNES endgame savestates, discussion of the nation of Jersey, Dalton's "greatest shots" going awry, and the potential of using savestates to rig the game in his favor. Such as when Jon barely pulls off a shot, and Dalton pauses and highlights 'Load Suspend Point'.
      Jon: "Ggg-ha—! No, no, no, I earned that, no!"
      Dalton: "I'm not actually gonna do that... As funny as it would be, no."
    • Then the connection starts getting loud and laggy, and Jon is suddenly disconnected from the match near the end of the last hole. The cause? Reese microwaving a pizza.
      Reese: "Sorry, it was my fault."
      Jon: "Wait, what?"
      Reese: [laughing sheepishly] "I had the microwave on..."
      Jon: "YOU TURNED ON THE MICROWAVE? That's why the Internet died?"
      • And then Dalton wins by switching the player 1 and 2 inputs at the last second.
    • The fact that Jon, of all people, ends up closing out the last Fortune Cookie of the decade on two Sonic games in succession.

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