Pretty much every single line from Nigga Turtles is a Funny Moment.
- Shredder learning that April is having a relationship with a literal red turtle.Tatsu: Shredder, word on the street is, your niece has been fucking a red turtle.Shredder: Oh, is that right? Well, tell the homies I want a nigga by the name of Red Turtle dead!Tatsu: Boss, I'm... being for real.Shredder: Wha?Shredder: ...what the fuck?!
- "This crackhead's got hands, nigga!"
- Splinter comes home one day to find April on his couch.Splinter: Where the fuck y'all put my Cheetos at?!? Aw hell to the no, you brought this bitch back to the secret location!Raph: She tried to catch the subway in the hood and got knocked out!Donnie: She's not gonna remember nothing that happened.Mikey: … You trying to hit that?Foot soldier: (watching from outside) Damn, that's a big ass sewer rat, the fuck are they feeding him?! … Oh he trying to fuck, I'm telling!Splinter: (puts his hand on April as old slow jam music plays) Yeah don't mind me, baby! Oh you burning up girl! Must be burning up from my love. You ever had rat in your mouth, bitch? (April jumps up screaming) Oh! Shit! The bitch woke!Mikey: Hey!April: How y'all gonna sit there and let this rat fuck me?Splinter: Girl I don't care who you tell, I'm trying to fuck! You a super freak, right? Fuck you think this is, bitch? I ain't Mickey Mouse, what's good?!Raph: Daddy, she got shoes all over your couch!Splinter: Get your feet off my motherfucking couch.
- Shredder ranting at Splinter after hearing him and Tatsu singing.Shredder: Shut yo bitch ass up! The fuck you know 'bout some French Montana you old son of a bitch. And you try'na fuck my niece to that old, throwback, nineties, slow jam shit! Nigga, I ought to kill your ass! Fuck you and the Red Turtles, nigga! I don't give a fuck if you ain't worried 'bout nothin'!
- If you couldn't keep a straight face there, his speech to Tatsu (or Hector as Shredder calls him) afterwards won't be helping much.
Shredder: Hey I called you Hector, nigga. Do something! And you're Chinese, I give you a Mexican name. You don't get no respect till you earn it! I heard you singin' nigga, clock out! - When Splinter gets home after escaping Shredder.Splinter: (taps on April's window) So this where the fuck y'all at!Turtles: Oh shit!Leo: Dad! Um, your phone was off! We tried to call, we was gonna look for you next week!Splinter: Oh. So it's like that. Everybody meet me at home!Splinter: (later at home) I ATE MY OWN SHIT TO SURVIVE!!! Where was y'all, WHAT THE FUCK?!?Donnie: Man, we didn't know where to look!Raph: They just let you go, man?Splinter: Hey! You better tone it down!Raph: Hey, I'm a grown ass man, I-Splinter: Shut the fuck up! Bitch ass nigga! (after Donnie and Raph get into a shoving match) You pussies done? Oh, y'all about that life now, huh? Now you motherfuckers is bad! Where the fuck was that when I was locked up?!Leo: We was about to…Splinter: Y'all ain't shit!Leo: But we -Splinter: You interrupt me again, Imma slap the shell off your back, motherfucker! And put a real shell in your ass!Mikey: (talking to a friend) Just cancel the strippers, man.Splinter: Hey, boy, you better be talking to God! HEY LITTLE NIGGA!!!(Mikey ignores him, and only notices when Splinter chunks a book at him)Splinter: PICK UP THAT PHONE!Mikey: Hey, man, I'll have to call you back, tell them hoes we still gonna make it rain on they asses! (hangs up) Hey, that was nobody. Hey, cut the radio on something!Splinter: No! I'm still talking, man!Mikey: Man, fuck that!Splinter: Don't you do that!Mikey: Hey man, keep it real, we don't give a fuck!Leo: (The Turtles are dancing as Raph dons a trench coat to head out) Where the fuck you going looking like Inspector Gadget?Raph: I gotta do something tonight! You still got that date with your hands?Mikey: Hey, stop by the liquor store on the way back!Splinter: And bring some fucking cheese back! Velveeta! You here me?!? You crusty back-ass nigga!
- While it's heartwarming that Splinter tells Raphael he loves his sons very much, it's also funny that he accidentally bought them off of Craigslist because the turtles' real father tricked Splinter into thinking he was selling seashells.Splinter: Don't ask about your mama 'cause the bitch was on crack.
- Shredder chastising Perry for seemingly not doing his job.Shredder: Hold the fuck on! I don't pay you to sit on your fucking ass!Perry: You're not paying me shit, asshole, and you know it!Shredder: [calmly] Look at me in my eyes... [raises his left fist] now look at this motherfucking left! You keep talkin' shit and I'll knock your fucking teeth out, you hear me?!
- Shredder is scared out of his wits when he meets Tokka and Rahzar, just barely averting Bring My Brown Pants.Shredder: Almost shit on myself...!Foot Member: Almost shit on yourself?Shredder: Almost shit on myself...!
- Keno asking for April when visiting what he thinks is her house. The person on the other end of the door is clearly not April and doesn't know who he's talking about, but Keno doesn't understand this and keeps asking for April's help until April shows up behind him.
- The aftermath of Tokka and Rahzar's rampage.Police Captain: Damn motor mouth-ass bitch, could I answer your questions, shit! Now listen y'all, 'cause I can do what the fuck I wanna do, you get that, aight, thank you, who next?Reporter: Let's talk about your sex allegations.Captain: Aw, ma'am, you know I gotta go to the donut shop, closing in an hour bitch, suck my dick. [walks off] Man, get me the fuck outta here...April: Reporting live! I gotta pee. [hands microphone to a crew member] Hold this, I'll be back. Hold on, Captain, Captain! Captain, you gotta do something about this, you can't just walk away!Captain: Listen, you got three options: 1) you can suck my dick, 2) you can suck my dick, or 3) you can suck my dick from the back, which one?April: Uh-Captain: Shut the fuck up, bitch!
