Funny / Mike Tyson Mysteries

Season One

The End

• Pigeon, Yung, and Marquess arguing at the beginning which serves as Exposition:
  Pigeon: Maybe, before we take on the next mystery, we solve the mystery of figuring how to turn me back into a human being. I mean, I have an actual interest in solving that mystery, unlike, every other one.
  Yung: You deserved to be turned into a pigeon by your wife, because you're disgusting.
  Pigeon: Ex-wife. And you don't know anything about relationships, you little home-schooled weirdo.
  (beat)
  Yung: Well, I think the most obvious mystery to solve is who is my mother and why did she leave me on Mike Tyson's doorstep when I was a baby?
  Pigeon: Probably because she didn't want you. There. Mystery solved.
  Yung: You're an asshole.
  Pigeon: I'm... You're an asshole.
  Marquess: She's not an "asshole". And that's not how you talk around a young lady.
  Pigeon: Why are you still here? You got what you wanted. (referring to Mike Tyson) He's no fun, he doesn't party, he doesn't beat up random people. You basically turned him into you, except he's not a closeted homosexual.
  Marquess: You know what? Fuck you!
  (beat)
  Mike: That's it, team. Now we're all on the same page!
• Mike Tyson trying to read Cormac McCarthy's very long and detailed message.
  Mike: Oh, my God! It goes on forever like this. What the hell?
• "Ain't Got No Time For Bird Sex". The little diddy Mike sings in this episode.
• When Mike Tyson is running in the dark and he can't see, he starts to panic:
  Mike: Oh, no. What if I went blind? I can't face life if I'm blind! Oh, yeah! I'll rely on my other senses! I'll rely on my sense of humor! I'll say shit like, "So what if I'm blind? At least I don't have to look at your ugly face!" (laughs)
• Cormac McCarthy turning out to be a centaur after all. A winged centaur.

Ultimate Judgment Day

• Mike reading the letter:
  Mike: OOO!
  Yung: What's it say?
  Mike: Just "OOO!" This mystery sounds fun!
  Marquees: (reads the letter) It doesn't say "ooo," those are zeroes. It's an old IBM computer punch card. It's written in binary.
  Mike: Oh, for deaf people.
  Marquees: I think you mean braille, and that's for blind people, not deaf people.
  Mike: So deaf people have no language? Wow. That's pretty sad.
  Yung: No, they speak with their hands.
  Mike: Like monkeys!
  Yung: Sort of.
• Mike mistaking Yung for a robot for the entire episode.
  • When Yung reads the message on the punch card:
    Mike: Time-out, time-out. Number one, if you can read computer code, it means you're a robot, and if that's so, you should have come to me and told me that earlier. And number two, who is it that needs our help?
    Yung: That's the mystery. And I'm not a robot. (shows the punch card with the zeroes spelling the words "HELP ME") It says "HELP ME", see?
    Mike: You do not need to hide who you are, Yang.
    Yung: Yang?
    Mike: I'm proud of you no matter how you choose to live your life. Let your freak flag fly, R2-D2! Beep beep! To the Mystery Mobile!
    Yung: It's Yung.
  • Yung's reaction when Mike tells Thomas Watson that she's a robot.
  • When Yung loses the chess match to Deep Blue:
    Yung: Uch, I made a dumb move.
    Mike: Don't sweat it, honey. All that robot can do is play chess. You can do so much more.
    Yung: Dad, I'm really not a robot.
• The entire exchange with Trevor Burbank.
  • His reappearance in The Stinger.
• "Deep Blue! Did you shit on my carpet?!"
• Mike punching a chess grandmaster, after mistaking him for the grand wizard of the KKK.
  Mike: Then what the fuck is a grandmaster?!
• "Dee-dee-doo-doo-doo...what the hell is this? ...BOBBY FICHER?! (beat) WHERE THE HELL IS HIS BRAIN??!!"
• "Mike, that computer is actually a time machine, and inside is ADOLF HITLER!"

Heavyweight Champion of the Moon

• Pigeon snarking at Buzz Aldrin's death when he flys out of the Mystery Mobile after the crash.
  Mike: (to Buzz Aldrin on the ground) Wake up.
  Pigeon: (seeing) Well, he can't because he's dead.
  Yung: Oh, my God!
  Pigeon: You know, at least he beat Neil Armstrong to something.
  Yung: Neil Armstrong already died.
  Pigeon: Really? When did that happen?
  Yung: A few years ago.
  Pigeon: Huh. Always a bridesmaid.
• Mike's attempt at trying to be rational with Marquess being deadpan towards him:
  Marquess: Michael, try to calm down. Just breathe, okay? Let's be rational.
  Mike: I've killed 10 astronaut, Marquess. Okay. Think rationally.
  Marquess: Good.
  Mike: Do I have anything against astronauts? No way. Because when I became heavyweight champion of the world, it was my dream that an astronaut might take me to other worlds...
  Marquess: Mm-hmm.
  Mike: ...for me to be heavyweight champion of those worlds, too.
  Marquess: Okay.
  Mike: I love astronauts.
  Marquess: Uh, okay.
  Mike: So why am I killing astronauts?
  Marquess: Work through it.
  Mike: Think rationally.
  Marquess: Okay, good.
  Mike: I used to be filled with so much rage, I wanted to kill everyone.
  Marquess: Uh... uh, no.
  Mike: But I replaced that rage with love.
  Marquess: No.
  Mike: (getting mad) But now it's coming back and it's focused on astronauts!
  Marquess: Rage down.
  Mike: I know what's happening. The government has implanted a chip in me.
  Marquess: Nope, the government didn't do that.
  Mike: And that chip is making me kill astronauts!
  Marquess: Nope, I guarantee there's no chip in you.
  Mike: But why? Think rationally, Michael!
  Marquess: Stop saying "rationally", 'cause you don't know what it means.
• Pigeon trying to make a joke out of a black guy ^note  Mike , a gay guy ^note  Marquees , and an Asian girl ^note  Yung going to a restaurant.
• How Mike acquired a rocket to go to the moon:
  Mike: I can't believe Elton John is letting us borrow his rocket.
  Yung: His name is Elon Musk and he said "no". He was trying to stop you, and you hit him and might have killed him. I feel sick.
  Mike: Oh, Yung, don't be so worried. I promise you I'll make it back.
• Marquess trying to convince Mike to not fly a rocket to the moon:
  Marquess: Michael, you can't do this alone.
  Mike: If you go with me to space, that would make you an astronaut. Then I might try and kill you.
  Marquess: No, I - No, I mean you can't operate a rocket. You don't know anything about it
  Mike: Marquess, I guess you could come, because you're already dead, so I can't kill you.
  Marquess: Okay, uh, (facepalms) again, I wasn't offering to go with you.
• Mike trying to give Yung Hee a matching tattoo.
• Seconds after Mike lands on the moon he starts driving a moon buggy and then immediately running over an astronaut on the moon.

Is Magic Real?

• Mike explaining why he cares about magic:
  Mike: I have been through some real hard times, and to get through them, I believe that there is something out there. Like, um, someone had a plan for me. That my life had a purpose.
  Yung: You mean, like, God?
  Mike: No, not that fairytale stuff, honey. I'm talking about leprechauns.
  Marquess: Oh, my.
• Mike punching Criss Angel because he thinks it's mean that Criss is tricking kids into thinking he does real magic when he's just an illusionist.
  Mike: Stop abusing kids!
• Mike recalling his time he saw a leprechaun at the Emerald Isle Bar & Grill to one of the staffs:
  Mike: I was here one time, and the whole place was decorated in green. And everyone here was wearing green. And the beer was green. And it was crazy how everything was green. I think it was Valentine's Day or something.
• While Mike is talking to the Old Wizard at the parking garage, there's a car behind him honking at him to move:
  Yung: Well, if [the Old Wizard's] banned from the casino, how can he gamble again?
  Pigeon: I know a game, a little more private.
  Marquess: Okay, if we're gonna keep talking, we should get out of line.
  Mike: The one at the Sahara?
  Pigeon: Oh, no, I'm banned from that one.
  Mike: The one at Imperial?
  Marquess: (referring to Mike not moving) This is just insensitive.
  Pigeon: No. A bunch of guys got stabbed at that one.
  Mike: The one at the Mandalay Bay?
  Pigeon: There isn't one at Mandalay Bay. And... stop guessing! I could have told you where it was 45 mintues ago.
  Marquess: Just pay the ticket and pull out of here, and we can come back and talk to this man.
  Mike: (to Pigeon) The one at Camelot?
  (the car behind the Mystery Mobile continues to honk)
  Mike: Stop honking! (gets out of the car)
  Marquess: Mike! Mike! Mike!
  Yung: Dad, where are you going?
  Marquess: It's our fault! This is insanity.
  Woman: Get your car out of there! I gotta take [Criss Angel] to the hospital!
  Mike: How was I supposed to know you had to go to the hospital, you idiot?
  Woman: Why the hell does it take you an hour to get out of the parking garage?
  Mike: Cause I was having a conversation with a wizard!
  Marquess: Oh, just get back in the car, Michael. Michael, just get back in the car!
  • While Mike and the woman are arguing, Yung tries to ignore it by reading a magazine while Pigeon turns away and covers his eyes.
• Fight or Flight.
  • The crown jewel of this scene being when instead of punching an old lady, he maneuvers around her politely, then runs back and punches her anyway.
  Mike: FIGHT OR FLIGHT!
• Pigeon agrees that Americans would want to see a movie about an Asian-American girl learning to live with a leprechaun living inside her.

Mite Tyson

• Pigeon asking why he's no longer allow to live in Mike's home.
  Pigeon: (about to smoke a joint) What?!
  Marquees: Michael, you can do this.
  Mike: You can't live here anymore.
  Pigeon: (chuckles) What?!
  Mike: You can't live here anymore!
  Pigeon: Is this about the pot? Because it's basically legal now.
  Mike: No, it's not about the pot.
  Pigeon: Is it about the video camera I hooked up in Yung Hee's bathroom?
  Yung: (outraged) What?!
  Mike: No, it's not that.
  Pigeon: Is it because I put a roofie in her soda last night?
  Yung: (even more outraged) What?!
  Pigeon: Calm down, you didn't even drink it. I wasted a perfectly good roofie.
  Yung: (facepalms) Ugh.
  Mike: No.
  Pigeon: Is it because I tried to take all those up-skirt pictures of Yung Hee?
  Yung: When?
  Pigeon: (under Yung Hee, using his phone as a camera) Right now. (takes a picture)
  Yung: I'm not even wearing a skirt, you idiot.
  Pigeon: Well, when you do, I'll be ready.
  Mike: No, it's not that either!
  Pigeon: WELL THEN WHAT IS IT?!
  Mike: It's because… you're a disgusting filthy creature with mites all over you, and they're biting me, and I can't take it anymore!
  Pigeon: Seriously? You're kicking me out of your house because of your fucking bites? You were the fucking heavyweight champion of the world, and now you can't stand a little itching?! You can't put some goddamn calamine lotion on there?! Well, fuck you! Heh! I'm gonna go find a better place to live, without a fucking shitty ghost!
  Marquess: Hey!
  Pigeon: With a fucking hot Asian!
  Yung: Ugh.
  Pigeon: I thought you people were my friends. I hope you all die! (Pigeon walks out of the house)
  Marquess: Okay. Well, that went well.
  Pigeon: (on the Mystery Mobile) P.S. (craps on the windshield of the Mystery Mobile)
• Marquess' poor attempt at humor:
  Mike: I guess if there's a silver lining, it's that tomorrow I'm gonna wake up with no bites.
  Yung: And at least I can go to sleep tonight and not have to worry about getting molested.
  Marquess: (chuckles) Well, I'm still here. (laughs)
  Yung: (disgusted sighs)
  Marquess: Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my goodness, that's such a poor attempt at humor.
  (Mike and Yung leave the room)
  Marquess: Oh, my... See you all in the morning. Hmm. It's probably going to be awkward in the morning because of that joke I just made. (to himself) Why do you try to be funny, hmm? You have diarrhea of the mouth. This is why you don't have any friends. Ugh. I'll be playing that scene over and over all night. I won't be able to get any sleep. I'm gonna wake up looking like hell. Oh, I got to call that dermatologist. "Well, I'm still here." What were you thinking?
  • Marquess meeting Mike and Yung in the morning:
    Marquess: Morning.
    (Mike and Yung walk past Marquess without saying a word)
    Marquess: Oh. Uh... How many times do I have to apologize? I was kidding! It was a joke. And I don't tell good jokes.
• Pigeon deciding getting date-raped is better than sitting on a bus bench.
• Mike and the gang returning from their search for Pigeon:
  Mike: Man, no Pigeon. And we went to every strip club in Las Vegas.
  Marquess: Yeah, I don't know why we had to stay so long at each one.
• When Mike, Yung, and Marquess returns home and find Pigeon masturbating in the living room on Yung's laptop:
  Pigeon: Don't you people knock?
  Mike: Pigeon, you're home!
  Pigeon: Yeah, I'll be out of here soon. I just came home to get some stuff.
  Yung: Then why are you masturbating on my computer?
  Pigeon: Oh. Well, my phone is charging, what am I supposed to do?
• "I HOPE YOU DIE!!"

A River Runs Through It Into A Heart Of Darkness

• Mike mistaking Yung as Chinese despite knowing full well she's Korean.
  • When Mike gets a new mystery written in Chinese:
    Marquess: Is that Chinese?
    Mike: Is it, Yung?
    Yung: Why would I know?
    Mike: Because you're Korean.
    Yung: (confused) Okay.
    Mike: Which is a kind of Chinese.
    Yung: No.
    Mike: Oh, Yung, sometimes I wonder if homeschooling you was a big mistake.
    Yung: Yeah, I've told you it was.
  • When the gang goes to China when they were suppose to go to Nicaragua:
    Mike: Yung Hee, I'll give you an extra minute to say goodbye to your homeland.
• When Pigeon reveals his name:
  Pigeon: There's a bunch of stuff you guys don't know about me. Do you even know my name?
  Mike: Pigeon.
  Pigeon: Richard.
  Mike: "Richard" sounds like "pigeon".
  Pigeon: Oh, man, what's the point?
  • Mike trying to get used to calling Pigeon by his real name.
    Mike: You know, man, I gotta get used to this. He doesn't look like a Richard, right? He looks like a pigeon, right? He looks like a pigeon, don't you think?
  • Mike asking for Pigeon's real name again:
    Mike: What's your name again?
    Pigeon: It's. Richard.
    Mike: Man, I'm telling you, you should change your name to "Pigeon".
    Pigeon: (Pigeon glares at Mike)
• Mike having the need to stand on tables when he's giving a speech.
  • Mike giving his speech in Wang's office:
    Mike: Maybe no ships will use it, maybe it will destroy the environment and bankrupt the country. And they could take away the expensive cars, and the houses, and the pretty girls, but they can never take away your title.
    Marquess: Well, um, technically, a title can be taken away for a multitude of reasons.
    Mike: Okay, that's true. Good point, Marquess. Point for you. But you get a point taken away for being a dick. So, back to zero.
    Marquess: (Fascinating Eyebrow)
• Mike and the gang traveling to Nicaragua:
  Mike: To the Mystery Airline!
  Pigeon: You bought a plane?
  Mike: Don't be stupid, I can't afford a plane. But I got a shitload of miles on Delta.
  (cut to a plane flying and then Mike and the gang in China)
  Mike: Okay, let's find Wang Jing and help him build the largest canal in the world.
  Yung: Then we need to be in Nicaragua.
  Marquess: Yeah. 'Cause the note was in Chinese, but the canal is in Nicaragua.
  (beat)
  Mike: Well, in that case, back to the Mystery Airline. But it won't be Delta, because I used up all my miles on Delta.
  (cut to a different plane flying and Mike and the gang waiting in Wang Jing's office)
  Pigeon: Well, what fun! To be on a plane that long.
• Marquess insisting they use the term "savages" instead of "indigenous people" because it's faster to say despite being aware it was a derogatory term back then.
  Yung: What is it, the indigenous people?
  Marquess: I don't know. But... I'm sorry, but... but can you just say "savages"? I am from a time when people said things like that. It was cruel, but it was faster. You know, like, "What is it, the savages?" See how fast that is.
• The episode ends with the earth screwing the moon.
  Marquess: Yep, been there.

Kidnapped!

• Pigeon telling Marquess about Gregor:
  Pigeon: He's a famous gangster. Like, he does serious horrible stuff. Murder, human trafficking...
  Marquess: (gasps)
  Pigeon: But, also stuff that shouldn't even be illegal. Like gambling and drugs. So, a flawed human being, just like the rest of us.
  • Pigeon calling Gregor to get Yung back:
    Pigeon: (on the phone) Gregor, it's me. Do you have Yung Hee? This is your fault as much as mine. I have a gambling problem, you're an enabler. Who are the Spurs playing tonight, by the way? Really, I'll take them and the points.
• Mike doing tongue twisters.
• Mike's entire speech about hats to a class of graduating college students:
  Mike: I bet you guys think I'm gonna talk to you about getting back up after getting knocked down in life. But I'm not. I'm gonna talk to you about hats. Not those square hats like the one you guys are wearing, which, by the way, I can't believe you're all wearing the same hat. That is tripping me out, man. Does everybody here wear the same hat in Miami? It's like a square hat with a string ^note  graduation cap . I never, ever in my life seen a hat like that. Are you all wearing the same clothes too? Is this some kind of religious school? What the fuck is going on here?
• This exchange at the end of the episode:
  Yung: Um, who's the woman in my bedroom?
  Pigeon: That's... That's Tingle.
  Yung: Who's Tingle?
  Pigeon: Why she's the newest member of Mike Tyson Mystery Team!

House Haunters

• "I hate it."
• Mike teaching Cait and Gary how to use stairs.
• The interviews:
  Mike: I don't know; the price tag, and those stairs, made me very concerned.
  Marquees: We don't have to look at any more houses. This is the one. Mystery solved.
  Pigeon: Well I think Caitlin has pretty good tits.

Night Movers

• Mike loudly singing as he wakes up in the morning naked which can be heard by his teammates. He even goes on his balcony to sing naked in view of his neighbors.
• Pigeon's reaction to Mike throwing all their food away:
  Pigeon: He's going crazy. I told you this was going to happen. He's gonna murder us all. He's like that tiger and we're Siegfried and Roy. I knew it was only a matter of time. You can't just live with a wild animal and not expect it to one day try to eat you.
• Marquess dressing Yung for her date which consist of her wearing her tracksuit, a blue coat, a fedora, sunglasses, a big black purse, leopard boots, and a red belt.
  Marquess: What do you think? And don't say you need a walking stick because you don't. (Beat) Ah, well, maybe you do. (gives Yung a walking stick) Oh, yeah. You needed the walking stick.
  • In the end, Yung just wore her tracksuit while Marquess were the other clothing.
    Marquess: Mmm. She just couldn't pull it off.
    (Marquess struts down the hallway just as Pigeon walks out of the bathroom)
    Pigeon: Good Lord, you're a freak.
    Marquess: Stop it.
• The dirty joke Pigeon finds on the Internet about a bishop having lunch with Winston Churchill.
• Pigeon's "antidote" to help Yung from becoming a werewolf:
  Pigeon: Okay, okay. I know what we can do. But you're not gonna like it.
  Yung: What?
  Pigeon: Well, you're gonna have to take off all your clothes. Then, you'll let me take a bunch of pictures of you. Then, we put them on the internet. Put them on, uh, a pay site though, you know? And we really play up the Asian angle.
  Marquess: I'm sorry. How is that an antidote to becoming a werewolf?
  Pigeon: It's not. Come on, it's just to lighten the mood. You guys getting so serious.
  Marquess: Oh, my goodness.
• Mike trying to shoot a silver bullet in Yung's heart when they think she might turn into a werewolf.
  Mike: Now give me that bullet, Marquess, so I can shoot Yung in the heart.
  Yung: You're all insane! (runs away)
  Mike: That's the werewolf talking.
  (Mike chases Yung through the house)
  Mike: Hold still, Yee. I'm trying to help you.
  Yung: My name's not Yee!

Ty-Stunned

• Mike mistaking Yung for a lesbian because she's watching the WNBA.
  Mike: Oh, my God! Are you a lesbian?
  Yung: No, I'm not a lesbian.
  Mike: You're a lesbian and you're afraid to come out to me.
  (Mike looks at the empty beer cans, cigarette butts, prescription medications and bottles, and a bong around the living room)
  Mike: Is that why you drinkin' and druggin', because you have so much shame?
  Yung: This is all Pigeon's, not me.
  Mike: Yung, I will love you no matter who you choose to lay with.
• Mike accidentally sucking Pigeon into the vacuum cleaner. Again.
• Marquess bringing in a new mystery message and Pigeon snarking at him:
  Marquess: Mystery Team, guess what I have in my hands?
  Pigeon: Your resignation letter.
  Marquess: No!
  Pigeon: Your suicide note.
  Marquess: Hey, what! What is wrong with you?
  Pigeon: A drawing of your penis to scale.
  Marquess: Oh, oh, okay. Because it's small. Okay, very clever. No! It's a mystery.
• Pigeon and Jeezy's reaction to seeing the mutilated body of Dr. Ensler:
  • When the gang sees the body for the first time in the study:
    Pigeon: Holy shit! They cut off his head! Oh, my fucking God. What is that? Is that his dick? They cut off his dick and stuck it in his mouth! What the fuck?! Where are his feet?
  • When Pigeon goes back to the study to retrieve Dr. Ensler's laptop in his desk:
    Pigeon: Oh, for Christ's sakes! What is this?! IT'S HIS STOMACH! Holy fuck, they cut off his hands! What the fuck! Found his feet!
  • When Mike's agent, Deezy, goes inside the study to retrieve Dr. Ensler's keys:
    Deezy: Oh, my Lord! Why would people do this? Who did this? Hell, no! Hell, no!
• Pigeon and Deezy getting into an argument:
  Pigeon: You better be careful, Mike. This guy's gonna water down your brand.
  Deezy: Oh, you've got a lot of opinions.
  Pigeon: Yeah, I do.
  Deezy: A lot of words come out of such a small beak.
  Pigeon: Yeah, well, you're an idiot.
  Deezy: You know what I'd like to do? Deep fry your ass and eat you for dinner.
  Pigeon: Oh, you eat pigeon, do ya? You know who else eats pigeon? Filthy homeless people.
  Mike: I once ate a parrot. Oh, man. My friend was so mad. I didn't know!
• Marquess constantly telling Mike that they need to call the police to handle the mystery.
  Maruqess: So, still, no one is calling the police. I mean, there is a savagely mutilated body just sitting in that house and no one has been notified. Okay.
• Pigeon reading the patients' files of the sex addicts and comes to realize that he's a sex addict.
  • He then tells Mrs. Ensler this in the most deadpan tone possible.
• Mike waits for the fax machine's confirmation bleep before saving Mrs. Ensler from the man trying to murder her.
• Mike's first words to Chainsaw Charlie who's about to kill Mrs. Ensler with a chainsaw:
  Mike: Hey! Put that down, you dumb fucking lunatic!
• Mike's obsession with Hummus.

Season Two

What's that Gnoise?

• The beginning of the episode starts as a In Medias Res Mike's kitchen is full of blood, Pigeon is laying apparently dead in the oven, Yung and Marquess are tied up, and Mike is crying:
  Marquess: How did we get here?
  Yung: What are you talking about? First, you knocked over my bowl of tomato soup because you had to show me your magic trick. Pigeon's trying to commit suicide again. And Dad's watching On Golden Pond.
  Marquess: I wasn't asking literally, I was trying to set a mood.
• When Marquess is trying to show Yung a magic trick involving them being tied together by a rope, Yung just easily gets out of the rope by just standing up.
  Marquess: Aw! How'd you do that? (looking at the rope) I put the knot in the wrong end of the rope. God damn it.
• Marquess stopping Pigeon from committing suicide in the oven again:
  Pigeon: Hey. Hey, who turned off the gas?
  Marquess: Oh, Pigeon, just take a fucking damn anti-depressant like the rest of us.
  Pigeon: Yeah, well, if any of you were really my friends, you'd let me die in peace.
  Mike: (watching "On Golden Pond") Hey, Pigeon, is that the guy from 9 to 5?
  Pigeon: Yeah, Dabney Coleman. I love Dabney Coleman. He's a reason not to kill yourself.
  Marquess: Didn't he pass away a few years ago?
  Pigeon: What? I'm going back in the oven.
  (Pigeon turns the oven on and closes the oven door)
  Marquess: Oh, wait a second, I'm thinking of Charles Durning. Dabney Coleman's still alive.
  (beat)
  Yung: We don't have to tell him that.
  • After Yung and Marquess leaves the room:
    Pigeon: Nobody go through my shit when I'm dead.
• When Meg mentions she has four kids, Pigeon had this to say:
  Pigeon: Wait a minute. You have two more kids other than the two? Are you trying to tell me that somebody fucked you four times? Come on!
  Yung: Pigeon!
  Pigeon: No offense.
  Marquess: Oh. Okay, well, I'm sure that smoothed it all over.
• Meg telling Mike and the gang to watch Tyler but Mike takes it too literal.
  Meg: Would you mind watching Tyler?
  Mike: Watch him do what?
  (Tyler just stares at Mike and the Gang)
  Mike: What do you do, Tyler? Do you... do you do magic? Marquess does magic. Marquess, do that magick trick you did this morning for Tyler.
  Marquess: I am not tying up a 2-year-old.
  Pigeon: I'll do it.
  Yung: No one is tying him up.
  Mike: Well, we're back to square one. Your mom said to watch you, but you don't do anything.
  (Tyler picks his nose)
  Mike: Oh, that is low brow. It's funny as shit, but it's low brow.
• Pigeon trying to have a conversation with Meg:
  Pigeon: Hey, Meg, when you're on your period...
  Yung: (disgusted) Oh, my God.
  Pigeon: You don't even know what I'm going to ask. (back to Meg) Meg, when you're on your period, do you still like to get fucked?
  (Yung slaps Pigeons, Pigeon laughs)
  Yung: I did know what you were going to ask.
• Mike asking Pigeon a question with a very obvious answer:
  Mike: Hey, Pigeon, is that that same guy from On Golden Pond?
  Pigeon: I don't know. What are you watching?
  Mike: Fast and the Furious 3. No wait, Jaws 3. No wait, On Golden Pond.
  Pigeon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the same guy.
• Marquess commenting on being a mother is a very hard job and Pigeon giving his opinion:
  Pigeon: Really? Really? How about a dad? Has to do the same stuff as a mom, plus have a job.
  Yung: Can you be more sexist?
  Pigeon: Well, when you think about, I suppose so, uh...
• Marquess greeting Miles, Meg's son:
  Marquess: Hello, Miles.
  Pigeon: Marquess, have you no shame? He's 14.
  Marquess: I wasn't hitting on him!
  Pigeon: Oh.

For The Troops

She's A Bayniac

• The episode begins with Pigeon catching Marquess smoking a cigarette behind the pigeon coop.
  Mike: What were you doing back there?
  Marquess: Oh, um...
  Pigeon: Marquess was torturing the neighbor's cat.
  Marquess: What? Are you insane? I was not, I was smoking a cigarette.
  Pigeon: I can't believe you just told them! I thought the whole point was not to tell anyone!
  • Afterwards, when Marquess tries to explain it, he says that Pigeon smokes crack, but they're not making a big deal about it.
• Yung says that the client lives nearby.
  Pigeon: Then why does it matter where the hell the mystery is? It's all a big fucking waste of our lives anyway. We should all just kill ourselves.
  (everyone else looks at him)
  Pigeon: I'm sorry. I'm just in a horrible mood. I smoked a ton of crack last night and as usual, now I feel like shit. Anyways, to the Mystery Mobile!
• Douglas explains that he hired the team to see if his wife Courtney is having an affair.
  Douglas: I mean, last night, she came home and she smelled like men's cologne.
  Pigeon: Right, because she's fucking other men.
• Mike tries to tell Courtney he was one of Douglas' school classmates, Yung is his sister, and Pigeon is their son.
  Courtney: Aren't you Mike Tyson?
  Mike: Yes, ma'am.
  Courtney: I left my day planner. Uh, Douglas, I have to run back to work. Don't wait up, it's going to be another late night.
  Pigeon: Another late night of fiddling with other men's penises.
• Marquess gets caught trying to smoke a cigarette in Douglas' bathroom.
  Marquess: This is one of those times I wish was an invisible ghost instead of this all-white incredibly visible ghost.
• Pigeon declares "mystery solved" after finding Courtney's profile on one of his porn websites.
  Pigeon: Let's see here. She's seeking men, women, black, Asian, Mexican, Indian— Good lord! Group sex, public sex, anal piss play? Sweet mother of God, Mrs. Baynes! Damn, I gotta send this bitch a boner request.
• To set up a sting operation, Pigeon sets up a profile for Marquess.
  Pigeon: Maybe if I put you as Indian and leave out that you torture small animals, I think that would be a turnoff.
• As Mike, Yung, and Pigeon watch inside the Mystery Mobile.
  Yung: Where did get all this surveillance equipment?
  Pigeon: Your bedroom.
  Yung: What?
  Pigeon: Relax! You're the only person in the world who doesn't masturbate.
• Pigeon tells Marquess that he's at a BDSM club.
  Yung: So do you, like, come here?
  Pigeon: No, only once. (to the camera) But I've been here a bunch of times! (laughs)
  Yung: Gross.
  Marquess: Where am I supposed to meet her?
  Pigeon: She said to meet in the whipping room.
  (Marquess walks into a room, we hear a whip followed by a voice moaning)
  Marquess: Oh, God, I think I'm in it.
• Marquess says he smokes because he's a ghost and he can't get cancer.
  Pigeon: "I can't get cancer." What a dick. Who says that, "I can't get cancer"? Unlikable. What an unlikable dick.
• As they look amongst the massacre.
  Pigeon: Hey, do you think we're standing in blood or semen? Huh, looks like a little bit of both.
  Yung: Ew.
  Pigeon: Hey, at least you're wearing fucking shoes.
• After the gang tells Douglas the truth about his wife.
  Douglas: You're saying my wife was an alien? And now she's just gone back to her home planet? We were married for seven years. I just... I just can't believe it.
  Yung: We're so sorry.
  Douglas: Well, as bad as it is, for whatever reason, it makes me feel better to know she wasn't faithful.
  Mike: What are you talking about? She is very unfaithful. I would estimate she slept with anywhere from one to 10,000 people. She was probably harvesting sperm for an alien species. Unless she was doing it for her own personal pleasure. Either way, she was very, very promiscuous.
  (Mike and Yung walk to the Mystery Mobile and enter it)
  Yung: Dad, you didn't have to tell him that part.
• At the end, Pigeon says that Marquess got three boner requests.
  Marquess: Delete that account right now!
  Pigeon: No, no, no, we're having success here! We gotta send a follow-up! Let me see your dick!
  Marquess: No!
  Pigeon: Come on, I gotta take a dick pic!
  Marquess: Stop it!
  Pigeon: Yung, tell Marquess to take out his dick so I can take a picture of his dick!

Last Night On Charlie Rose

Old Man Of The Mountain

• The increasingly depressing requests they receive at the beginning of the episode. First, they're asked to help decide whether or not to put their client's 96-year-old father in a nursing home, where they're worried he might lose the will to live. After Pigeon decides that's too depressing, they read another. This one comes from a woman whose face was scarred in a fire, her husband was laid off, and the bank is threatening to seize their home. Then they read yet another one, about a golden retriever who ran away, who was the only bright spot in the life of their client's special needs daughter.
  Pigeon: Oh my god, let's just go with the old man.
• When the Mystery Team arrives at the top of the mountain to find their clients 96-year-old father frozen to death, Mike's attempts to reassure them are hilariously bad.
  Mike: There, there, it's okay. At least now you don't have to decide if your dad should live with you or if you should put him in a nursing home. (Beat) Because he's dead. So now all you have to decide now is what you're gonna do with his frozen body.
  Mike: If it's any consolation, they say that freezing to death is one of the most painless ways to go. (Beat) Or maybe it's one of the most painful ways to go. I mean, his face looks like it was excruciating.
• Mike looks at the wall and sees it covered with pictures and articles about the Abominable Snowman.
  Mike: What's all this shit? The Abominable Snowman?
  Alex: My dad was obsessed. But I suppose there are worse things he could have done with his life.
  (Alex touches a secret button on the wall, which ends up revealing his dad's secret Nazi room)

Jason B. Sucks

A Plaintive Wail

• As it turns out, the restaurant was cursed by a whale who wished for humans to stop hunting whales for oil. As Pigeon bluntly informs him, people stopped using whale oil a long time ago and the only people who still hunt whales are the Japanese, so the whale goes off to curse Japan.

Tent Revival

• Some Satanist cultists have invaded Mike's house and tied Yung Hee to a wall. They have summoned Satan to sacrifice her to him, and the Devil comes close to his soon-to-be-victim and starts his evil monologue... That gets interrupted when Mike punches out Satan and chases out the cultists, without realizing what was happening beyond them being creeps after his daughter.

Greece Is The Word

Ogopogo!

Life Is But A Dream

Unsolved Situations

Losin' It

Yves Klein Blues

Unholy Matrimony

Mystery For Hire

The Bard's Curse

• Jules is discussing the titular Curse with Mike, Yung and Pigeon.
  Jules: What is the one thing you're never supposed to do in a theater?
  Mike, Yung and Pigeon: Jack off!

Save Me!

The Farmer's Daughter

• Marquess goes irate after learning Pigeon had sex with the farmers' daughter's ghost, because it's a high sin. He walks out and presents himself naked to the stormy sky to get it over with...only the daughter was actually alive. Her parents just want to think she's dead because she's a stripper. Pigeon just walks out with her and tells Marquess she's alive, much to his dismay.

Season Three

The Beginning

• Mike recalling 2001 as a scene straight out of Boogie Nights. Complete with the fashion and lingo of the 70's.
• A severe case of Trailers Always Lie (as the plot hinted in the commercials turns out to last 2 minutes) in regards to the talking portrait part that transports the team to the past to meet the previous homeowners of the house.
  • The previous homeowner reveals he called them back so that they would be sacrificed to an Ax-Crazy old lady instead of his family. Marquess then points out they could have simply fled into the same time portal to the future to avoid all the baggage.
  • Said Ax-Crazy old lady comes in with an axe and starts murdering the family. The team has an Oh, Crap! moment and quickly return back in time.

A Mine Is a Terrible Thing to Waste

• When Deezy's niece falls down the hole, Mike panics. And decides to try and end the show by humming the end credits music. Complete with the credits appearing onscreen.
  • Marcus snaps him out of it with a well placed smack. Forgetting he's smacking Mike Tyson.
  Mike: Thank you, Marcus. But don't you ever fucking slap me again, or I'll knock you back to wherever the fuck you came from. Fucking rat.

The Gift

• While Marcus is explaining the rules and limitations of his one "go back" he is allowed as a ghost he briefly muses the possibility of using the chance to kill Adolf Hitler. Pidgeon calls Marcus out on his inability to go through with it and prods for details on how he would do the deed to which Marcus eventually replies that he would use a shovel prompting Pidgeon to call out the sheer unlikelihood that Marcus would ever be within killing distance of Adolf Hitler with a shovel. By the end of the episode, fate presents the chance for Marcus to in-fact use his "go back" for the purpose of making amends with his son AND his Hitler chance but, predictably, he cannot go through with it... However, Mike has no such qualms. Did I mention Hitler was a BABY at this point in time?
  Pidgeon: I bet that was a shocking visual for all those people on that street yea?