Funny / Mass Effect: Human Revolution

• Jensen's questioning of an asari receptionist at the hospital in Chapter 3. Said asari doesn't know the difference between a human male and female.
  Jensen: "Broader shoulders? Straight waist?... flat chest?"
• Garrus' reaction to learning Adam turned down the advances of the Leda Twins, a pair of bisexual, incestuous asari C-Sec officers.
  Jensen cloaked and freed himself from the twins' grasp, picked up his duffel bag, and ran away cloaked and naked from two very disappointed and very aroused blue women...
  Garrus stomped the brakes on the aircar.
  "Get out," he said.
  • Keep in mind, the car is still in the air.
• Pallin's Cool and Unusual Punishment for Garrus shooting up Chorra's Den; A safety course at a pre-school. Full of asari children. Who proceed to play "toss the turian" with Garrus.
• Right after threatening Udina offscreen in Chapter 9, Jensen bumps into Joker, Kaiden, and Jenkins and tells them their ambassador has just pissed himself. They all run (or, in Joker's case, hobble quickly with Jenkin's commandeered assistance) to the airlock to take a look. And then stare.
  Udina: Well?! What are you staring at?!
  Beat
  Joker: Well, Jenkins here really, really wants to join C-Sec, and...
• The Seinfeldian Conversation at Huang's in Chapter 15. An alien cop, a robocop, and a genetically engineered spy walk into a Chinese restaurant on a giant space station, order fake food, and discuss breasts in a totally non-sexual manner with techno music playing. All as part of a search for a shapeshifting assassin, with cherry blossoms as their only clue. It Makes Sense in Context.
  Garrus: Say, what was that soup you ate? It smelled kinda familiar.
  Walker: It was yan wo.
  Garrus: ...Oh, okay. What's that?
  Jensen: Congealed bird spit in broth.
  Garrus: Isn't she a little old for that?
  Jensen: ...I'm not sure I get what you mean.
  Garrus: Right, I should explain: turian females generate a nutrient rich spit that throughout a pregnancy. It congeals quickly. They make hundreds of crunchy dry cakes out of it. When the baby's born it is fed the stuff for the first few months of its life... What, don't human females do that for their kids?
  Jensen: Sorta. Their breasts swell with a nutrient rich liquid.
  Garrus: Oh. Well, I see Walker is off to a great start on that.
  Walker: Excuse me. You do know that I'm sitting right here and that I can hear you, right?
  Jensen: Don't worry, I'm sure Vakarian's interest in your chest is purely scientific.
• Chapter 19. Hein's sense of timing.
  Hein: FIRMWARE UPDATE OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! WOO!
• From chapter 20:
  Hein: You won't be landing in ice water this time.
  Jensen: Well, that's a relief. Swimming in the Arctic was not fun.
  Hein: It's far more likely you'll land in the lava.
  Jensen: Wait, wha—
• Chapter 25: Wrex gets hard over Chakwas.
  To Wrex, it kinda felt like a massage, and it was then that he noticed that human women looked a lot like asari. Especially this one, with the soft firm hands and a body that held up nicely despite her advanced age, and the generous mouth and then he realized that it had been a very long time and...
  Uh oh.
  "Nice tent, there, old man!" said Vega as he came in the infirmary, holding a plate of food. Wrex shot up in embarrassment and attempted to hide his throbbing erection.
• Chapter 26:
  • Garrus showing how Jensen dance.
  Garrus: "There's another variation where he rolls his arms but that one's just too much and I- I don't want to hurt innocent bystanders."
  • Matriarch Aethyta gets a little impromptu help from Jensen in chasing a intruder through her bar's air ducts... which results in Jensen dragging out Jake Armitage AKA Conrad Verner.
  ...Oh, Hi Adam! How're things?
  • Garrus reacts:
  Not you, anyone but you.
• Chapter 27 is the peak of the Illium Breather Episode after the insanity of Caleston, and IgnusDei pulls out all the stops to get readers to abandon Too Bleak, Stopped Caring:
  • Drebin and Zev get into a discussion on sexbots.
    Zev: Our people? We made the terrible mistake of making our robot servants ugly. So naturally, when they starting asking existential questions, we decided to kill them all. But what if we had made the Geth to look like this Brea? <wistful sigh> The moment they asked "What Is This Thing You Call "Love"?', we would have had SEX with them. A LOT. I can picture it! Our entire adult population caught up in one massive worldwide orgy! Ah, we would still have our world then...
    Drebin: And the galaxy would have trembled in fear of your army of sex bots.
    Zev: Oh no... I mean, yes! <throws up arms dramatically> We would have unleashed them upon the turians first, and they would have grovelled at our feet to stop our onslaught! <puts hands over lower jaw, mimicking turian mandibles> "Please, oh mighty Quarians, masters of technology! We can't take much more! We beg you, call off your army of robot hookers! Have mercy on us!"
    Drebin: And what you have said, then?
    Zev: Grimly, we would have said... <lowers voice> No. And then? We would have unleashed more orgasms upon them all! Horrible, horrible orgasms! Muahahahahahahaaaah!
  • Hein's sentence, as follows.
    "Bah! Once again my plans are foiled by vaginas!"
    • Try and read that without laughing. Try.
  • Aaand what better way to end a Breather Episode than with a skilled application of Chandler's Law, except... In a group filled with badass - a Cowboy Cop, a Mad Scientist, two Playful Hackers and an entire squad of Marines - the jerks with guns are not there hunting any of the above, but...
    DO YOU HEAR ME, JAKE ARMITAGE?!
• Chapter 28:
  • Conrad Verner AKA Jake Armitage explains how he is both the best and the worst Shadowrunner in any universe;
  Jensen: Wait... give me a moment to process this. Are you telling me Conrad LARP'ed his way throughout the Terminus systems and inadvertently created a network for freelance mercenaries?'
  • Irate CAT6 merc: "HE! STABBED! ME! IN! THE! COCK!" (Bold Inflation author's)
  • Also, somewhere in the aforementioned chaos, Hein kicks a CAT-6 merc in the balls and runs away giggling.
  • When Adam finds Garrus in the locker room:
  Jensen: So, is this going to be a thing? You getting caught, stripped naked, tied up, and needing me to come rescue your naked ass?"

  • Preceding the above, Jensen hears that the reason Garrus and Jane got caught was because they were... distracted. Jensen's reaction?
  (thinking) "Goddammit Garrus!"
  • Hein running around like a psychotic Solid Snake. And the box.
  • "... Grey, I know what the vids say, but not all cyborgs are bloodthirsty sociopaths with a fetish for chopping people up."
• Chapter 31: The fact that Kasumi appreciates the real Jake Armitage (CONRAD VERNER) more than Adam Jensen disguising as him.
• In Chapter 32, while shadowing the Durandel, Anderson says that "There's no telling what this madman is plotting at this very moment." Cut to Hein, who is watching Adventure Time.
• In the same chapter, this conversation between Hein ([H+]) and Brea (Anon):
  [H+]: Come now, nothing will motivate our champion like curing an ailing woman from the ravages of years of drug abuse.
  Anon: No. A placebo would have done the trick. You're up to something.
  [H+]: Maybe :3
  [H+]: See that? I made a smiley that looks like a cat.
  Anon: Well, my employer is telling me to go along with your plan. I'll contact J immediately.
  [H+]: :3
  [H+]: :3
  [H+]: :3
  [H+]: :3
  Anon disconnected
• Chapter 34: Wrex's horrified reaction when Mjrn starts talking about intimate parts of Roegadyn anatomy.
• In Chapter 40, Ramsus starts playing with peoples' heads, making them think that they're each getting shot by snipers. The first moment is shocking. The second instance is confusing. When Ramsus starts on the third one...
  Jensen: STOP THAT!
• In Chapter 41 a somewhat dimwitted SSC trooper injects a comrade without giving a painkiller first. The patient's response?
  "AAAAAAAAAARG YOU FUCKER! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!"
• Later in Chapter 41, it is demonstrated that the European Union still Has Ways of Making You Talk - in this case, Firefly-esque Humongous Mecha-Enhanced Interrogation;
  Krogan Radioman: ...when you go to sleep tonight, know that your human mercy will not stop me from breaking free and hunt you down. I shall grant you a brief waking moment to gasp, as my blade penetrating your flesh will be the last thing you ever see.
  Elsa: (clicks tongue) Zut. Zoller!
  Zoller: (stomps on krogan with 25-ton mech)
  Khel Charr: GAAAH! MY NAME IS KHEL CHARR! I THINK WOMEN ARE AWESOME! I JUST FIX STUFF! I DIDN'T KNOW WREAV WANTED TO KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE! PLEASE DON'T STOMP MEEEEEEEE!
• Even Ramsus gets in on nanomachines meme.
  Adam: "That sword. It made a mockery of your biotics. How?"
  Ramsus: "Magic,"
  Adam: "Bullshit."
  Ramsus : "Nanomachines, then. Look, I don't know, alright?"
• Chapter 43: Manah meets Alistair.
  It's a bunny! A big fluffy bunny! Let me gooooo! I just want to pet him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and... feed-him-chocolate-ice-cream-and-put-him-in-a-costume-and-make-him-a-little-house-and-sing-it-lullabies-and-call-him-fluffy-and-wait-NOOOOoooooooo..."
• Chapter 44:
  Neil: Alright folks I aaaaAAAAAAAAHNAKEDFLOWERZOMBIEONTHEBRIDGE!
  • Tela Vasir and C-Sec Investigate The Normandy For Smuggling.
  Lunchbox: (running away wearing Tinfoil Hat) Your psychic powers won't work on meeeeeeee...!
  Alistair: You're missing out on a great opportunity!
  (Tela Vasir) decided that this Conrad Verner wasn't to be underestimated, and that she would be watching him with great interest from here on in.
  Classic case of negligence and high explosive beverages.
• Chapter 47:
  • Aya's anger at Adam for giving up the high-class apartment she got him and giving the keys to the first bum he encountered in the street.
  "JENSEN! WHAT THE HELL?!"