Funny / Married... with Children

We could cut this short and say pretty much every moment of this show can be mined for comedy gold, but here are some specifics:

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General

• During the opening song when everyone starts their day, Al without even looking, defeatingly gives them each money (whether they asked for it or not), including Buck (and later Lucky).
• Any time Al came home and started his workday horror stories with, "A fat woman came into the store today..."
• Any time that has Buck's Inner Monologue voiced by Cheech Marin instead of Kevin Curran, his usual voice actor and one of the show's staff members.
• Pretty much any scene involving Bud getting caught with his blow-up dolls.
  • For example, when Marcy's pretty niece, Amber appears at his window:
    Amber: Psst! Psst!
    Bud: (reaches under his bed) Damn leaky rubber woman...!
• Any reference to Joe Piscopo:
  • In "Peggy Made a Little Lamb"^note season 5 episode where Peg finds out she flunked high school and takes Kelly's home ec class to make up the lost credit, Peggy initially refuses to make up the lost credit because there's an upcoming TV special called Battle of the Luckiest Men Alive and tonight's bout is Gavin MacLeod vs. Joe Piscopo.
  • One episode has him working as an (offscreen) usher at a basketball game.
  • When Al was upset about an embarrassing cartoon that Peg made of him:
    Marcy: So you get laughed at whenever you're in public. If Martha Raye and Joe Piscopo can live with it, then so can you.
  • After Al is rejected from a game show due to his unlikeable personality, the host says it ranges between Piscopo's and the fat kid on Head of the Class.^note Dan Schneider, for those curious- yes, the Drake & Josh and iCarly creator, amongst others
  • When the family was able to sneak onto the soundstage of a sitcom about their lives and are confronted by a security guard:
    Guard: Excuse me, but you people are gonna have to leave: this is a closed set. How did you get past security?
    Al: Oh, they were too busy searching Joe Piscopo.
    Guard: (angrily) What?! (The guard pulls out his nightstick and waves it menacingly) Piscopo's here again?! (runs out the studio)
• Any time Marcy gets demoted, first two times to drive-up window teller, then chicken mascot, then to ATM beeper.

Season 1

• From the "Pilot":
  • Marcy tells Al that when she and Steve have a child, they don't plan to expose him to sports as they view competition is mentally unhealthy. Al's response?
    Al: You gonna neuter him too?
    (Bonus points: Both Ed O'Neill and Katey Sagal broke up in laughter after he said that line.)
  • Al's first encounter with an unhappy customer starts with her son knocking down a row of shoes and banging them on the floor. When she decides she's had enough:
    Angry Customer: Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
    Little Boy: I want a balloon!
    Al: You've already got one.
  • Marcy complains that she and Steve have slowly stopped going to sleep and waking up at the same time since they first got married, so Peg offers her some advice:
    Peg: Do you have PMS?
    Marcy: No.
    Peg: Get it.
• "Thinnergy":
  • Marcy talks Peg into taking cooking tips from a book called "Thinnergy" to help her and Al get more sexually active. Al comes home hungry, so Peg prepares a salad for the family. Al takes one bite of it, claiming it gave him the "burst of energy" he needed...to dump the rest of the salad in the trash. When Peg complains that Bud and Kelly are watching them argue, Al tosses out their salads, too.
  • The "Thinnergy" diet has made both Al and Peg irritable, so they try to share a pleasant memory to lighten the mood:
    Al: Remember that time when we were dating and we took that walk on Oak Street Beach at sunset? The wind was blowing through your hair and you got cold, so I gave you back your jacket...
  • At the end of the night, just after the two compete over who can annoy the other one more, Al admits defeat and leaves to give Peg a surprise. She gets into her Ready for Lovemaking pose, only for Al to force-feed her a chocolate éclair while she's not looking.
• "But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy":
  • Al and Peg are about to share an intimate moment on the couch when Steve and Marcy show up, along with the neighborhood watch.
  Al: What are they doing here?
  Peggy: Uh, they're the neighborhood watch. I invited them.
  Al: To watch this?!
  • Peggy and the kids question Al after he accidentally shot Steve and Marcy's dog, mistaking it for a burglar. What's his excuse?:
  Kelly: You couldn't tell the difference between a dog and a human being?
  Al: He was wearing a hat.
• "Have You Driven a Ford Lately?":
  • Peg invites Steve and Marcy on a double dinner date with her and Al. Marcy suggests some foreign cuisine, but Peg tells her that Al only likes simple fast foods.
    Steve: Come on, Al! Live a little! You can't go through your whole life ordering food through a clown's mouth.
    Al: Oh, yeah? (yells into Peg's mouth) Cook some food! (Al and Peg laugh)
  • As Al and Steve fantasize over their new classic car, Steve imagines him and Al cruising on a country road with no one to bother them. Al's fantasy includes him riding with two ladies, and they all wave to Steve as they blow past him when he tries to hitch a ride.
• From "Nightmare on Al's Street":
  Steve: Al, I'm horny. What are you gonna do about it?
  • Context: Marcy has been having sex dreams about Al, and thus cannot bring herself to sleep with Steve as the thought of sex sickens her. Al's disturbed reaction makes it even funnier.
  • Marcy's recursive dreams about Al where she keeps waking up with a Catapult Nightmare, only to find herself in another dream.
  • Peggy getting angry about the dreams. Not the first one, but when the dreams keep happening, she gets mad.

Season 2

• In "Born to Walk", Kelly's imitation of Al screaming "Red light, stop, stop, stop!", complete with a wide-eyed panicked expression, is (or at least feels) hilariously spot-on.
• The entirety of "Build A Better Mouse Trap", where Al goes to great lengths to kill a mouse that's invading the Bundy's house.
• The entirety of "Just Married... With Children", where Al and Peg use their neighbors' names to get on a game show to win prizes while enduring painful tasks.
  • One task in particular involves Al being crushed by fat women while being under a mattress. The icing on the cake is when the host brings out Bertha, resulting in Al making an Oh, Crap! expression.
  • Another task requires Al and Steve to be hooked up to electric chairs. As soon as Al sees the chair, he walks up to it and sits down happily.
  Al: I welcome death.
• The plot for "Im-Po-Dent" involved Marcy believing Steve has a low sex drive somewhat due to crashing her car. After Marcy tells Al, Steve enters.
  Al: Hey, Steve, what's up?
• In "Guys and Dolls", Bud tricks Kelly (twice!) into letting him help her with book reports for books she didn't bother to read. The first time, she reports on Robinson Crusoe while explaining the plot to Gilligan's Island. When Bud offers to help her a second time, he feeds her The Addams Family plot details for her report on the works of Edgar Allan Poe.
• In "You Better Watch Out" Steve and Marcy's reactions to the dead Santa.
• In "All In The Family", Al is not happy about hearing that Peggy's relatives are coming over.
  Al: Remember when they were here last year? Shane was on. Just before it came on, Uncle Otto bet Uncle Irwin he couldn't stick his head through the TV. I didn't see Shane that year, Peg.
  Peg: Well, I know, Al. But you saw the end from the emergency room.
  Al: "Come back, Shane. Shane. Goodbye, Shane". That's all I saw, Peg. I didn't even see the credits, because your mother lumbered in front of the set. By the time her entire body chugged by it was morning.
  • Al is driven crazy by the country music performed by Peggy's relatives.
  Peg: Gee, just like the old days.
  Al: Mm. Before music.
  • Later, Al takes everyone out to eat and after returning home...
  Irwin: I think he's mad at us.
  Kelly: Oh, well, don't take it personally. Daddy always takes a noose with him into the bathroom.
  Peg: Uh-oh. Daddy's in the bathroom? Mom's up there taking a bath. Well, maybe he won't notice.
  Al: (from upstairs) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
  (Al comes downstairs)
  Al: Peg, I'm blind!
  Peg: Very funny, Al.
  Al: No, really, Peg. I saw your mother naked and... everything went black! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!
  • After learning he has missed Hondo and Peggy's uncles start bickering (again), Al has finally had enough.
  Al: Everybody sit down, 'cause I'm taking charge now. Peg, kids, go upstairs, 'cause I'm solving everybody's problems now.
  (Peggy and the kids leave)
  Al: Everybody, move close together, and say... (pulls out a rifle from the closet and aims it at Peggy's relatives) "Swiss cheese"!

  • It is then revealed that most of the episode was just a daydream in Al's head.

Season 3

• In "Her Cups Runneth Over" ^note The episode that got Terry Rakolta to protest about the show's sexist moments, Peg is upset that her Fancy Figure 327 bra is discontinued and starts explaining about the problem when she mentions Al picking his ears and says "What if your ear closes up and your finger doesn't fit, what would you do?" Al's response is that he'd use Peg's fingers like when while she's sleeping.
  • The Freudian Slip from Steve:
    Steve: Oh yes, we would like to buy some breasts—bras! Bras!
    Al: And breasts.
  • Peg and Marcy's makeshift bra.
  • Al faints after a pretty woman asks if she looks good without a bra while exposing her breasts to clarify.
  • Peg and Marcy have a conversation about cancelled TV shows when the exotic dancer Marcy hired for Peg's birthday says he misses 8-track tapes.
  • When Al and Steve are Mistaken for Gay, Al responds with "If I was gay, I'd like to think I could do better than him."
• The Missing Episode "I'll See You In Court" ^note the episode that was put on the shelves at the time of Rakolta's protests has Steve talking everyone in the court to sleep for about an hour.
• From "A Three Job, No Income Family", Al making a toothpaste sandwich. Made even funnier by a man in the audience saying "No, Al. Don't do it!"
  • As Steve has a conversation with Al, Steve inadvertently eats the toothpaste sandwich.
    Al: Would you like some floss with that?
• In "The House That Peg Lost", Kelly throws a slumber party, inviting some of her friends. Bud comes down stairs to try and seduce them. One of Kelly's friends prank him by getting him to kiss Buck. For revenge, Bud decides to read off some of the messages Kelly got from boys who want to go out with her. Turns out two of the guys are boyfriends of her friends. He reads off another name, asking whose boyfriend he is, and two other girls both say "Mine!" at the same time before giving each other the Death Glare. Soon, all the girls begin to fight each other, except for one, who nonchalantly sits down and begins filing her nails.
• Steve's vain efforts to create a 99-cent coin in "The Dateless Amigo".
  • Al's even more feeble efforts to create shoe lights culminated in him going to a shoe convention and presenting it to his colleagues. Since Kelly can't see anything but the floor, she accidentally steps into the fountain at the hotel causing her to be electrocuted and the battery pack to explode hospitalizing her. Naturally, she wants nothing to do with Al's less dangerous idea Shoe-per Scoopers.
• The entirety of "The Bald and the Beautiful", where Al and Steve attempt to use a hair tonic to grow their hair back.
  • At the end, Al and Steve attend a panel for bald (and balding) men. When Al gets his turn to speak, he delivers a hilarious "The Reason You Suck" Speech to the men in attendance:
    Al: "You guys are nuts! Attractive? Virile? Sexy? Women want you? For what, to check their makeup? I thought I was bald. But looking at you guys, I realize two things. One, I really miss shooting pool, and two, I'm not bald. Steve's not bald. You guys are bald. Really bald. One hundred watt, soft-white bald."
  • The ending where it's revealed Marcy never cared if Steve went bald she just left the balding advertisement on Steve's desk because she wanted him to use the coupon on the back. The one Al saw earlier.
• "Eatin' Out" has plenty of gems:
  • When Bud and Kelly want to use the inheritance money to go see a rock band called Tears & Vomit, Al has this to say:
    Al: You can see that anytime your mother cooks.
  • When eating at the fancy restaurant, the family shows off their Jabba Table Manners, to the abject horror of the staff.
  • When Al and Peg are dancing, he initially tries to dance with a younger, sexier woman at another table, Bud and Kelly mistakenly think that they really do love each other... only for them to be trading barbs with each other about the other one's hygiene, and Peg breaking out into a chorus of "Moon River", embarrassing the rest of the family.
  • When Al forgot the money and Peg sends the kids to pick it up (only for them to use it to go to the concert anyway), Al fails at collecting enough money by hustling. Then when Peg asks what will happen to them since they can't pay:
    Al: Ah, well since this is a high-class joint, they'll probably beat the hell outta me and then throw me in the dumpster, but you, you'll probably just be made to wash some dishes.
    Peg: [outraged] Dishes?! Uh-uh, this stops right here!
  • Her bizarre yet effective way to leave without paying: hold up Al's extremely smelly shoes like a loaded gun.
    Female diner: Oh, my God! She's got a shoe!
• The beginning of "My Mom, The Mom": Peg falls into a sugar coma, with a half-eaten Snickers bar in her mouth. Al comes in to use her like a puppet, and then she starts sleep-talking, telling her mom that she had a bad dream where she married Al. Peg wakes up and freaks out momentarily.
  • The family makes fun of Al's complaining by singing, "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...":
    Al: Thank you very much, Bundy glee club.
  • Peg trying to bake cookies for Mother-Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school.
  • Peg at school. The couch is with her.
• "Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me" has the subplot with Al obsessing over his sock being missing and assuming that it's a conspiracy made by all of the wives in Chicago. He's right.
  • Al trying to butter up the principal that hates him and Kelly.
  • Kelly dancing in more seductive clothes with Bruno at the end, which makes the couples in the audience make out (except for Al, who is molested by the principal), and makes the nerdy girls fall for Bud.
• The entirety of "The Harder They Fall".
• The recap of the first half of "Married... With Queen" (with Peg looking through the memory book of what happened in part one).
• Bud tricks Kelly over her report on Moby-Dick by making her think it's like Mr. Ed.
• The beginning of "Life's A Beach" has Kelly and Bud pretend to be blind while mocking Al behind his back to get money. They then find Peggy in the closet scrounging for change from Al's wallet.
  • Peg prepares Al for the family's trip to the beach for a photo and gives him a T.V. to watch. Then she blinds Al when a beautiful woman comes up to him. Topped off with a joke:
    Peg: Al, let's make out.
    (Al and Peg laugh)
  • Bud tries to flirt with two girls, and one of them snarks at him.
    Bud: (throws his voice) Bud, go long!
    • After helping a little girl fix her bucket, she falls in love with Bud, and splashes any girl his age that comes by with water.
      "You creep!" (Bud gets slapped)
    • Peg's reaction, making her think that she had another kid.
      Peg: Another kid? How long was I asleep?
  • Meanwhile, Kelly tries to win over a hunky lifeguard, and fails when an off-screen girl's voice calls for help.
    Kelly: If they can't swim, then why do they come to the beach?
    • Kelly manages to reel in a guy named Chris, who explains that he came up with his perfect tan since age 12. It turns out that he's gay and leaves Kelly for another guy.
  • Marcy salutes Mother Nature, which leads to a seagull to plop onto the sand-- dead.

Season 4

• The entirety of "Hot Off The Grill", including the side-plot with the ashes of Marcy's dead aunt.
  • Not to mention, the whole scene of Al getting ready to cook on the barbecue, with George Thorogood's "Bad to The Bone" playing along with it. Topped off with this line from Al:
    Al: Let's cook!
  • Preceding this, Peg finally getting her comeuppance as a result of Swapped Roles.
    Peg: (After cleaning off a bench as Al watched her motions) Alright. Now what dirty little job do you have for me? (Al sports an eager smile) ...oh no... but I'm so tired!
    • And this stays funny as the setup for the gag was Peg bringing up that Al had promised to have sex with her that day the previous spring.
  • The Reveal that Marcy's aunt's ashes had gone into the grill - and thus into the burgers is a treat. Kelly does a Spit Take, Bud immediately spits his out, Peggy practically quacks with the haste she spit her piece out, and Steve... smiles as he chows down on the rest of his burger.
    Steve: Uh, Marcy-
    Marcy: Shut up, ghoul!
    Steve: ...Alrighty.
  • The episode begins with Al coming home and sitting on the couch between Peg and Kelly:
    Al: Guess where I have been?
    *Lifts up his arms to reveal huge sweat stains underneath each of them*
    Peg: Locked in the trunk of a car with a dead cat?
    Al: And people wonder why I scream on my way home everyday.
• In "Tooth and Consequences":
  • Al and Peg try to forge Bud and Kelly's dental records to avoid taking them to a real dentist. Then Steve and Marcy catch wind of it, leading to this exchange:
    Steve: Doesn't anybody know this is against the law?
    Al: So's dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife.
    Marcy: I am not a chicken! Why does he keep calling me a chicken?! (says this while bobbing her head up and down with her hands on her hips)
    Steve: Now, Marcy, don't get your feathers ruffled...
  • Marcy's fantastic description about going to the dentist, and the seductive tone she uses while describing the visit:
    Marcy: I love to go to the dentist: [in seductive voice] A man in white, hovering me while I'm trapped helplessly in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instrument's alive in my mouth. And just when I think I can't take it anymore, he says "Good girl, Marcy; you can spit now".
    Peg: Al, I want to go to the dentist.
• The entirety of "At The Zoo".
• "Who'll Stop the Rain" has Al starting his attempts of stopping the roof from leaking. Peg makes Bud and Kelly look out the window to watch Al fall off the roof.
  • This happens again during the scene with Marcy freaking out when the Peruvian Devil Gerbil that Steve got goes down her shirt after he puts it on her shoulder.
    • It turns out Steve bought a dangerous female of the species, which means when the gerbil bit Marcy, this causes a huge hump to grow on her back. And Al falls off the roof again, this time in his protective armor.
      Steve: Marcy, why don't we get to the real reason you're angry here? It's not that awful, disgusting, pus-filled hump at all! It's your small spirit. You're just jealous because I'm pursuing my dream.
      Marcy: What dream would that be, Steve? To have a wife named Igor?!
    • Kelly's reaction to Marcy's predicament is understated, but hilarious:
      Marcy: I have a hump, you bimbo!
      Kelly: Didn't you always?
  • The drip-drop symphony in Al and Peg's room.
  • Al gets shocked turning off the lamp because of the leaky roof.
    Peg: God, it smells like ham in here!
    • This is apparently one of Katey Sagal's favorite lines from the show.
• Al's "Dr. Shoe" commercials in "976-SHOE", seen here and here. This is genuinely one of the funniest moments in the history of TV. Katey Sagal can visibly barely keep it together. She just about manages it, and then Ed O'Neil busts out the line below, and you can see her fall apart.
  Al: Kids, you don't even need your parents' permission.
• "It's a Bundyful Life":
  • Sam Kinison as Al's guardian angel. Especially when he squeezes Peggy's butt, to cure his depression.
  • This rant from Al.
    Al: I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is "I want this!", "Get me this!", "I have to have this!"... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, ho, ho," all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy.
  • And just for honourable mention ...
    "T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
    No food was a-stirring, not even a mouse,
    The stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie,
    Along with a note that said "Presents or Die"!
    Children were plotting all night in their beds,
    While the wife's constant whining was splitting his head,
    But Daddy had money this year in the bank,
    Then they closed up early, now Dad's in the tank...
    And all of the sudden, Santa appeared,
    A sneer in his face, booze in his beard,
    "Santa," I said as he laughed merrily,
    "You do so much for others, do something for me!"
    "Bundy," he said, "You only sell shoes,
    Your son is a sneak thief, your daughter's a floozy,"
    "Ho ho," Santa said, "Should I mention your wife?
    Her hair's like an A-Bomb, her nails' like a knife"
    And he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung,
    He mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue,
    And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee,
    "You're Married... with Children, you'll never be free."
  • "Now who wants to hear about the red-headed Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?"
  • The angel takes Al to a world where he never met Peg, and it turns out that his family is much better off without him. Al gets mad when he learns that in this world, Peggy saved herself for marriage, and says:
    Al: "When she graduated, the football team retired her number!"
    • For added hilarity, the husband in that scene is played by Ted Mc Ginley, who'd eventually portray Jefferson.
• "What Goes Around Comes Around": Al takes an egg to illustrate his thoughts: This is your brain.
• Al paying the bills to a calypso beat.
• From "Peggy Turns 300":
  Al: Hey Peg, you're looking great! [admiring Peg's dress she's wearing for her birthday] You're gonna knock them dead at the bowling alley!
  Peg: The bowling alley? You're taking me bowling on my birthday?
  Al: It's your birthday? Hey, kids! Tonight Mommy rides in the front seat.
  • Kelly takes pictures while holding the camera backwards, blinding herself.
  • This dialogue:
    Peg: Al, I just struck four strikes in a row!
    Al: [concentrating on his game] Shut up, Peg.
  • Peg made Al miss a pin.
    Al: [picks up a ball] What did you want, Peg!?
    Peg: Well, I wanted to wish you good luck.
    Al: Away, woman!
  • Encouraging words: "Our children were killed in an avalanche."
  • Afterwards, Al has a breakdown after Peg beat his bowling record and he imagines himself as a popular, veteran football player who is being interviewed by Sportscaster Roy Firestone that has just been knighted by the Queen of England:
    Firestone: There you have it, folks: Al "Icky" Bundy, husband, father, football player, bullfighter, aviator, inventor of the seven-day underwear.
• At the beginning of "Peggy Made a Little Lamb", Peg is looking through her and Al's yearbook from their senior year with the children and pointing out certain things about it:
  Peg: Here's something that you shouldn't do; posing with your baby! [shakes head, then flips a page] Now, here's a picture of your father.
  Kelly: Wow. Daddy used to have shoulders, way up here.
  Bud: And what's that thing on his face?
  Peg: It's a smile.

Season 5

• In "The Unnatural" when the actor playing Sven takes a fall after Marcy cold-cocks him, Amanda Bearse is visibly cracking up as she leaves the shot.
  • Al makes Peg and the Kids sing the stupid "D-A-D-D-Y" song before he gets up to bat.
  • Al's speech after he hits the winning home run.
  Al: I hate you all. I thank no one but myself.
• The entirety of "Al... With Kelly".
• The subplot of "Kelly Bounces Back" where Peg goes on strike.
  • The ending where Kelly beats the crap out of her rival for her stealing "The Bundy Bounce" to be a spokesmodel for a new car and getting her chance to be in the commercial. Kelly then punches Bud in the gut, which serves him right after what he did.
• The entirety of "One Down, Two To Go", starting with Bud answering a sex hotline and barking into the phone on demand. Kelly and her boyfriend Jake catch him in the act, leading to Bud lying about why he was barking into the phone.
  • "Let's go upstairs and play Strip Nintendo like adults."
  • Al throws Jake out of the house, but not without "showing" him the banister and the wall first.
  • The second time is even better. Jake, at Al's prompting, bashes his own head against the banister, then the wall, then bends over so Al can throw him out the door more easily.
  • Peg demands for Al to rub her tush.
  • Kelly holds her breath to prove that she's mature, but fails.
  • Peg is deeply upset with the revelation that Kelly decided to move out and starts coddling Bud.
    Peg: (singing) Hush, little baby, don't you cry
    Mama's gonna get you a pizza pie
    And if that pizza pie don't sing
    Mama's gonna buy you a chicken wing
    (sobs)
• "Wabbit Season," where Al pulls out all the stops to get rid of a rabbit from his garden - essentially becoming Elmer Fudd before blowing up the house.
  • Kelly adds to the Looney Tunes-based humor of this episode by having her warn Al about how the dangers of sticking a gun down a rabbit hole.
  • At the end, Al has completely managed to total both his house and the D'arcy's... and of course, the rabbit is still completely fine.
  • Earlier in the episode: Old McBundy had a farm.
  • The episode opens with Al said to have suffered a nervous breakdown at work. When he's brought home, he explains his horrifying story.
    Al: Last thing I remember, I was down on one knee, waiting on an overflowing glacier of a woman. First thing they teach ya when you're a rookie shoe salesman is when ya got a fat one in the chair, never look up. I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."
    Peg: So what?
    Al: (grossed out) TODAY'S WEDNESDAY!
• From "All-Night Security Dude", after Al fails at guarding his trophy as a security guard at Polk High, which gets stolen by Spare Tire Dickson, in a Shout-Out to the show Branded (complete with the show's actual theme song!), he gets "drummed-out" of his job by the school's marching band, the teacher stripped him of his epaulets and his shield, opens his shirt (and then reels back at his smell), then breaks his night stick in half, and as all the students then turn their backs on him, Bud is seen in the crowd with a paper bag on his head that has "I AM NOT A BUNDY" written on the back.
  • The scene where Al gets a note from Spare Tire.
  • Al and Spare Tire try to remember why they were at Johnson High. Then they exchange photos of their mother-in-laws and show off their worn-out best socks. And it's all topped off with the final battle, to the Chariots of Fire theme.
• In the episode "Oldies But Young 'Uns," after Al hums to Peg a few notes to a song from his youth that he can't remember, Peg says "Clip your nose hairs, Al. When you were humming, it looked like a squid was trying to reach out and grab the kids."
  • Bud gets called a troll by Kelly while she introduces the family to Vinnie. He doesn't take it well when Vinnie calls him that.
    Bud: (While Milking the Giant Cow) I AM NOT A TROLL! I AM A BOY, YOU IDIOT!
  • Peg tells the hotline that she spends time on that Al is holding her and the D'Arcys hostage over the song. Justifiable due to Al's decreasing sanity over said song.
  • Vinnie's Good Angel, Bad Angel situation whether to kiss Kelly or not. He does. Kelly lampshades this.
  • After the wild goose chase with Al finally getting to hear that song and asking for the copy of the 45 that has it, the clerk offers $60, but Peg won't hear of this and bets that if Al buys the record, she'll be kissing the clerk's-... Smash Cut to Al and Peg arriving home, with Al holding the record and Peg trying to wipe off her tongue
• In "Married... With Who?", Al blissfully (and deliberately) ignores Kelly and Bud's demands until Peg snaps him out of it.
  • "I went to Clyde's No Blood Test Needed Wedding Chapel And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.
  • Jefferson D'Arcy's introduction, where Kelly and Peg tell him that they're his wife.
  • Al and Peg giving advice to Jefferson and Marcy respectively.
    Al: RUN.
  • Peg get excited at Marcy and Jefferson making out, much to Al's disgust.
  • Al and Peg imagine, in their own heads, how great it would be to have $2,000.
  • The wedding party. The cherries on top is Buck as the bridesmaid, Peg playing the accordion, and Bud's drawing of Marcy and Jefferson in stick figure form.
  • The ending that alludes to The Andy Griffith Show with Al and Bud at a contaminated lake.
• From "Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do?", Bud and Kelly try to earn money for themselves. Bud starts with his "Oil Up The Stud" stand. An old lady is interested.
  Old lady: Well, maybe for a quarter.
  • Al trying to, in vain, lower Peg's volume with the T.V. remote after she demands to go out some more.
  • Kelly trying her hardest to babysit a bunch of bratty kids that are apparently smarter than she is when reading "Goody Goose". Giving up, Kelly makes up her own version where she was the goose's love interest and glorified her character.
  • The adults' thoughts while they watch Beaches on VHS, especially Al's. They all end up singing Barbra Streisand's "The Way We Were" in their heads as if they were telepathically synchronized.
• "Top of the Heap"^note The first attempt at a Spin-Off that failed: Al's pal Charlie and his son Vinnie live in an apartment that's shabbier than the Bundy household. For starters, they have a Persian cat named Mr. Fluffy that Charlie threw out the window and Vinnie brought back in, and for breakfast, they eat beans. With a slice of cheese on top.
  • Al's advice for Vinnie: "Don't marry."
  • Charlie plans to find himself and Vinnie some women at a high-society fundraiser, much to his son's dismay.
  • Charlie insults the waiter after eating hors d'ouevres he disliked the taste of. He then gets chummy with the socialites who immediately admire his charm. Vinnie, on the other hand, isn't doing as well.
  • Vinnie accidentally decapitates the chocolate duck and tries to prop it back on with a wine bottle.
  • Charlie fakes dropping a wallet to get women to bend over. Meanwhile, Vinnie manages to get a harem of socialite chicks with his charm.
  • The ending where Al steals back the TV.
• The two-part episode "You Better Shop Around", in which Jerry Mathers (As Himself) is the special celebrity guest at a supermarket shopping spree. Bud and Kelly are giving him grief the entire episode, but he has this awesome comeback:
  "Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets... but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes."
  *Kelly and Bud slink off with their heads hanging in shame*
  "Golly, that felt good!"
  • In Part 2, the manager of the Foodies supermarket inspects the Bundys' and D'Arcys' shopping carts, and decides to let the Bundys go despite their cart looking nothing like a regulation shopping cart (painted in black and with spikes protruding out the front; Al tries to Hand Wave his blatant cheating by pointing out the "We Love Foodies" decal on the side). When the manager inspects Marcy and Jefferson's cart (a speedy and clean model they stole from a homeless guy on their way to the store), he confiscates it and gives them one that wobbles so much that they can barely walk straight.
  • Also, during Part 2, Al tells Bud and Kelly that he's a finely honed athlete, and then asked Peggy to show them what a real push-up looks like. Peg reaches into the freezer and pulls out a Push-Up popsicle.
    Al: Alright, kids, I admit it. I did not marry well.
• In "Route 666", the assembled cast are all ragging on Al after his latest disaster, and Kelly chips in calling him a "bombastic simpleton." Everyone breaks off and stares at her, and she hastily adds "And a bad bad daddy!"

Season 6

• In the episode "The Egg and I", Al casually forgets to tell Steve that Marcy's remarried. So, he enters her house and climbs into bed, finding Jefferson and Marcy. Hilarity Ensues, as it cuts to the Bundys watching from their house with binoculars and popcorn. Peg happily comments on the mayhem and carnage Al has caused, and that she loves him. The two actually kiss for a few seconds, both of their own free will.
  • And in a subsequent scene, Steve and Jefferson are trying to top each other in regards to how sexually satisfied they kept Marcy, getting into more and more outlandish locations.
    Steve: What about the kitchen?
    Jefferson: On and off the table!
    Steve: Front yard, baby?
    Jefferson: Firehouse?
    Steve: Dairy Queen.
    Jefferson: U-Lube It.
    Steve: In a homeless person's shopping cart!
    Jefferson: Really? Now how do you keep it from rolling, 'cause-
  • Al doing his taxes. He has a noose just in case.
  • Al screaming he's become blind upon seeing Marcy in her lingerie. When Steve rips off his shirt to show Marcy "what she's missing," Peg screams "NOW I'M BLIND TOO!"
  • Peg fixes Al some "Tang"^note a glass of something orange that's spewing smoke to poison him so they can turn Steve in for stealing a rare egg:
    Al: What's this?
    Peggy: Well, I thought you might be thirsty... so I fixed you some nice Tang.
    Al: ...Tang don't smoke.
    Kelly: Well, Daddy, it's the new and improved "Smoking Tang!" Chock full of vitamins and ministers!
    Bud: Bottoms up, Dad!
  • When Steve, Marcy, and Jefferson all end up in the Bundy household together, Marcy feels the need to rip her clothes off just to show Steve he won't be sleeping with her anymore. This causes Al to start screaming and flailing around the kitchen in a frenzy exclaiming he's blind again, at which point Peg tries to get to him to drink the "tang."
  • The Reveal that Buck turned Steve in while the Bundys get arrested after Kelly spills the beans about them harboring him.
• "Cheese, Cues and Blood" has Al sell more blood than was thought humanly possible to blood banks in order to match Kelly's opponent's wager in a game of pool. He then begins blurting out more and more delirious things, ending with:
  What I'm trying to say is... that the fate of... not only King Charles, but the entire Restoration, lies on this shot... This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.
  • And then he faints and collapses directly into the path of Kelly's shot.
• "High I.Q.": Kelly is invited to an intellectual party (that turns out to be a party for smart people to bring in idiots as dates).
  • The whole Workbench 5000 subplot where "You can almost hear the Looney Tunes theme!"
  • Even better is the end of the episode, where Kelly's lamenting how she'd feel better if she knew she was smarter than just one person... then proceeds to completely correct the Workbench in the span of 12 seconds just by looking at it.
• "My Dinner With Anthrax" has Kelly's rejected idea of dropping a safe on Al and Peg to go to a party held by the band Anthrax.
  Kelly: It worked for Daffy and Elmer! And that dog that's chasing the Road Runner!
  • The subplot with Al and Peg in Florida, featuring the other guest star, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, who is giving away combs.
  • The main plot has Anthrax completely bored out of their skulls at the Bundy house, which is snowed in. Marcy comes in with a parka on. She mistakes them for serial killers while they mistake her for a man.
  • Anthrax eats the moldy meatloaf and get high off of it.
  • The living room after the party.
  • Anthrax being quarantined to the Bundy house for six months after eating Peggy's meatloaf. When Al complains about the horrible sounds he's going to be listening to for the next year, we get a cut to them singing a cappella to "Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb"--with Kookie himself! Even better: they REALLY get into it!
• "Teacher Pets" centres around Bud dating a teacher and one of his fellow students. He suffers an epic Humiliation Conga in the final five minutes: He learns that the teacher ran off with a football player, the only guy who could ever satisfy her, the female student who was attracted to him because he was allegedly with an older woman dumps him, not wanting anything to do with him if he can't satisfy an older woman, Al barges into the classroom with the police while it's being taught by a new elderly teacher. Al then vocally recounts everything that Bud did with the previous teacher, making it look as if he was having an affair with the eighty-something year-old substitute, before he has the substitute arrested, Bud is so mortified that he wets himself, Al talks to Bud directly, saying that he did it because he loved him. He then leaves, but not before reminding Bud that Peggy needs someone to pick her up some tampons, mindful of the fact that his entire class has seen everything that's happened so far, Bud goes up in front of the class to try to deny that Al is actually his father. No one believes him, and the situation is so humiliating Bud thinks that it must all be a dream. He decides that he must not be embarrassed enough to wake up, and so he drops his pants as a means of embarrassing himself enough to do so. Unfortunately, that's when Bud realized that he'd forgotten to wear underwear to school, it's not a dream, and Al comes back to tell him something else, looks at what Bud has done, and leaves without saying a word.
• "The Good-Bye Girl" has the subplot of Al "being on vacation"^note spending a week on the couch while it's surrounded by a small fence to watch movies that take place in various locations.
  • Kelly's Heroic BSoD over the modeling school being moved upstairs. She's at a media-themed amusement park, feeding an orange duck statue bread crumbs, much to the bewilderment of the janitor. Kelly then seeks advice from talking statue of the mentor character from Kung Fu (1972), which she attacks after he stops at "...unless he...". The janitor suggests that Kelly gets a job at the amusement park.
  • After a bad first day at work, Kelly takes after the "absent" Al, right up to and including his "hand-in-pants" Character Tic. Peg is blind to who this reminds her of.
    Peg: Who is it she reminds me of?
  • Bud as King Roach.
• In "God's Shoes", after Al falls out the bedroom window after looking at a portrait of Peggy, he envisions the perfect shoes, and gets interviewed by Scary Mary, a sock puppet witch voiced by June Foray. After Mary makes fun of Al, he strangles the poor sock witch.
• "The Mystery of Skull Island" has Kelly changing the channel whenever a political news report comes up, until she finds an episode of Dudley Do-Right, much to her delight. Al then comes home and tells Kelly about a woman wearing a Blossom hat visiting the shoe store. Her response?
  Kelly: Oh hey, Daddy, when did you get home?
  • The Who's on First? over Kelly telling Al that Bud was out with a girl. It took until Bud, in his "Grandmaster B." garb and beaten up, for Al to be convinced. Bud then explains why he was beaten up, and mentions that he was in a tunnel of light with Grandma and Elvis Presley.
  • The entire subplot of Al being forced to play a board game with Peg and the D'Arcys.
    Al: Marcy, it's your spin.
  • When Peggy draws a card from the "Sexual Intimacy" deck and reads it.
    Peg: If your lover suddenly was unable to perform anymore, and was a shoe salesman, and named Al-"
    Al: Gimme this card! It couldn't possibly say that. OH MY GOD IT DOES!
  • Kelly tells Al a story where she came across Bruce Springsteen and the Swedish Bikini Team.
  • The aforementioned "I Care" poem.
  • Bud goes sky-diving with his new girlfriend Kara, who has an adventurous streak, and before he can kiss her, he's accidentally pushed out of the plane by the instructor's pat on the back, Screams Like a Little Girl, and while asking the instructor questions, Kara cheats on him.
    Bud: Instructor? Kara?? MOMMY!!! (desperately flaps his arms as he falls)
    • Al, who has been stuck playing a board game with Peggy and the D'Arcys for most of the episode, claims that he'd never jump out of an airplane like Bud did. However:
    Peg: Al, you landed on "Kiss the Neighbor."
    (Al looks to the camera, then the scene cuts to him being on the same plane Bud and Kara was on and approaching Biff, the instructor)
    Biff: Don't you want your last-minute instructions?
    Al: (insanely) Hahahahaha!
    (Al jumps right out the plane without any hesitation )
• The ending to "Psychic Avengers", where the family is turned into chimpanzees and Buck is turned into a human.
• All of "The England Show" 3-parter, which starts off in Lower Uncton, England of 1653, where blacksmith Seamus Bundy makes horseshoes for a living. An impatient witch is mocked for her weight by Seamus, and she curses him and all male descendants, sending Lower Uncton into eternal darkness, and the curse is also responsible for Al having horrible foot odor. 339 years later, Al hangs his head in shame in Chicago, while meanwhile in Lower Uncton, the villagers plan to kill Al and Bud next while within village limits, by sending the Bundys an invitation for a flight to England. A jealous Marcy drags Jefferson along to go with the Bundys. Unfortunately for Buck, he can't go and ends up in the pound.
  • The Take That! to Dutch, which Ed O'Neill, who plays Al, was in.
  • Al standing in the middle of Speakers Corner pontificating about how much he dislikes women, getting all the men to join him in declaring "Whoa, women, I don't like 'em!" He caps off his speech by asking if he's the only one present who hates the French, to which the entire crowd responds with a resounding "NO!"
  • The montage set to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy".
  • After Kelly is told that her family will die in Lower Uncton, she goes out to find them. She somehow ends up at the Taj Mahal, the Pyramids of Egypt, the Eiffel Tower in Paris, and in prehistory where dinosaurs lived, before coming back to England, all of these places on foot. Apparently, Kelly defies time and space.
    • During all this, she asks a guy for help, only for him to make an unheard, but obviously disgusting comment to her, given that her reaction is to punch him out.
  • And the very last scene, where Al ends up in chains in a dungeon for the crime of stealing a hotel towel. Upon being told by a gray-bearded fellow prisoner (who stole an ashtray) that they get fed bread and water, he happily comments that makes this his best vacation ever.
• In "If Al Had A Hammer", Bud introduces his new rapper persona of Grandmaster B, which leads to this exchange:

  Kelly: What does the "B" stand for?
  Bud: "Brother of an idiot."

Season 7

• The closing credits of "Movie Show" where they rat on various names in the credits, especially the end, where they boo the Columbia logo.
• The ending to "Rock of Ages", where Al and several other semi-famous rock musicians sing "We Are the Old" (a parody of "We Are The World"). Halfway through the song, Al starts munching on a pastrami sandwich, making noises as if he was playing an electric guitar solo.
• "Till Death Do Us Part" has Al trying to get back in shape so that he can have more substantial sex with Peg and stop being a laughingstock over his lack of effort. At one point, he decides to take up running and uses Bud holding a picture of Peg's mother in a string bikini as motivation.
  • Even better, later on we see Al, who collapsed on the D'Arcy's lawn and, according to Marcy, would have been left there for compost if only the "flies didn't start gathering". Upon being sat on the couch and relaxing his arms by uncrossing them, we see that he has a crushed squirrel on his chest:
    Marcy: It's our little squirrel friend, Zippy! *Marcy peels the squirrel off Al's chest like velcro*
    Jefferson: Well, it doesn't look like Zippy!
    Marcy: *while poking it* Well, you have to imagine him with blood, bones and internal organs. *to Al* Squirrel killer! *to Zippy* Get him, Zippy!
    Al: Ow! *Marcy starts "attacking" Al with the dead squirrel. Jefferson stops her.*
    Jefferson: Marcy! Marcy! Come on, come on, let's go, honey. I'll give Zippy a nice burial.*Marcy leaves, then Jefferson turns around and punts Zippy in the living room*
• "Wedding Repercussions": Marcy suspects Jefferson of cheating on her with the bride of Al's Cousin Jimmy:
  Jefferson: Look, I'm innocent, Marcy. Think rationally. If I wanted a young, pretty, sexy girl, I never would've married you!
  Al: Yeah, why go out for a succulent steak when you've got a dried-up strip of beef jerky at home?
  (This, naturally, prompts Marcy to charge at Al in a rage, only to be restrained by Jefferson.)
  • From the same episode, the Bundy Credo.

Season 8

• In "Assault and Batteries" Al notes the trifecta of things he finds unpleasant.
  Al: Ew, sex in the morning. Ew, sex with Marcy! Ew, sex in in the morning with Marcy!
• In "Scared Single" Al becomes a mentor to Aaron, a newly-graduated football prodigy from Polk High, Al's alma mater. Al is something of a hero to Aaron, which leads to this exchange:
  Aaron: Wait a second. Al Bundy? The All-State Al Bundy?
  Al: I was.
  Aaron: I thought you died in 'Nam!
  Al: Well... well uh, actually, I started that rumor. Yeah, see, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.
  • Al shows Aaron the mall waiting area (AKA "the Valley of the Shadow of Death") to convince him marriage is a bad idea. There's even a song. Immediately after that, Aaron's fiance Angie comes to drop off his lunch, and she's such an absolute catch that even Al Bundy is instantly romantically smitten with her. But later that evening, Aaron comes by the house and announces he broke off the engagement with Angie and went back to his old girlfriend. Al looks on in horror as Aaron introduces him to Meg, an African-American version of Peg virtually identical to the original, including the bouffant red hair, the way she dresses, walks, and even the way she sits... next to Peg Prime to watch Oprah.
• In "Take My Wife, Please" Al gets a visit from the Grim Reaper.
  Death: "I'm just kidding. You nearly-departed hunk of beefcake. You mind if I take this hood off? It's hot as Hell in here, and I just had my hair done." Death takes her hood off, revealing she looks exactly like Peg.
  Al: [Who didn't think his day could get any worse than Death showing up AND YET SOMEHOW] "...Perfect."
  • Later on, Al tries to sneak up on Death and brain her with a baseball bat (Al has great batter's form, by the way, reflecting Ed O'Neill being a great all-round athlete). It doesn't work.
  Death: "...Strike one."
  • Death spends the entire episode hanging out on Al's couch, messing with his head for her own amusement. She plays a game with Al where if a member of his family says they need him, she won't take him.
  Al: All my family has to do, is say they need me?
  Death: That's right.
  Al: Just once?
  Death: Just once.
  Al: ...Then I'll get my suitcase.
  • When Kelly finally says she needs Al (to identify if a roll of toilet paper used to teepee the Village People is one or two-ply), Death keeps her word and leaves, but not without messing with Al one last time:
  Death: You know, you are a lucky man, Bundy. But I'll see you. Day after you win the lottery.
  Al startles
  Death: Just kidding! ...Maybe.
  Death vanishes in a gout of fire while giggling maliciously
• The "B" plot of "Proud to Be Your Bud" involves Al spending a ridiculous amount of time with an answering service trying to order a replacement part for his Dodge. Apparently, the auto service's answering machine has so many questions that they can identify the exact specifications of Al's car, and the automated voice even cheerily greets him by name once he's answered all of the questions.
• "No Chicken, No Check" has the Terminator-style vision used by a dog who sees Kelly's date Neuter, who is famous for a cat food commercial while in a cat costume, and mistakes the poor guy for a cat.
  • This happens again with Al when Kelly and Bud admit to smashing the car without the chicken inside^note as an insurance policy because he ate it after Peg gave away a roast to poor people.
• "Dances with Weezy" starts with Bud, in a gas mask, getting one of Al's bowling shoes (which smell horribly bad).
  • While Peg and Marcy are excited about going to the live show for The Jeffersons, Kelly saying that she would see a live show with Beavis and Butt-Head, and Bud tells her that they're cartoons. She responds by saying that they'd like to be called "dimensionally challenged".
  • Al and Jefferson would rather go to a sports bar where Ernie Banks, Johnny Bench, and Joe Namath will be at, and argue that the player that was in the first Bud Light beer commercial was Bubba Smith or Billy Martin respectively.
  • Peg calling Al a "philistine".
  • When the lights go down, Al, Jefferson, and several other men leave and put their stand-ins in their seats. Al's stand-in is Bud, while Jefferson's is Kelly, and all of the other stand-ins include Officer Dan's kids, a stuffed dinosaur, a bust, a stack of tires, a Japanese mask, a doll, a teddy bear, a stuffed monkey, a dog, etc.
  • Al blinding Ernie Banks with his camera.
    • Joe Namath using a mirror to reflect Jefferson's snapshot, blinding him.
• Marcy having an orgasm when giving a speech in the episode "Banking On Marcy", complete with a cigarette out of nowhere at the end. Al's highly disturbed reaction really sells it, too.
  • Later, she has an erotic talk with Jefferson on the Bundy couch with Al sitting between them. Al's PTSD-like reaction sells this as well:
    Al: Well, my body's dead... I suppose a detached head could live on.
  • Marcy ends up embarking on a career as a professional bearer of bad news, with her news being greeted with massive applause no matter how bad they are because of her (literally) orgasmic delivery. Arguably the best one is when the government closes down a military base and Marcy is given a 12-gun salute.
• "The Worst Noel" has Al and Peg channel-surfing, seeing such moments as:
  Peg: How can you hate It's a Wonderful Life?
  Al: Because it's a horrible life! You wanna know why they never made a sequel? 'Cause that guy killed himself and this time he took that angel Clarence with him.
  • Al watching and singing along to the opening to a certain Christmas Episode:
    Who's that riding in the sleigh?
    Who's that firing along the way?
    Who's got the most popped on Christmas Day?
    Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!~
    • "This is the one where you get to know how he got the eight reindeer heads on the walls of his cabin."
  • Al's complaint that I Love Lucy was really about Fred Mertz and that the show should have been called "Mertz's World".
  • Al naming everything he just passed: An episode of Bewitched with Dick York, the episode of Gilligan's Island where a gorilla came, the Full House episode "Our Very First Christmas" (where they got snowed in at a Colorado airport), and a documentary on the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe Cousteau.
  • Watching Michael Bolton sing "Silent Night": "What's his next number gonna be? 'Hark, the Hairy Angels Sing'?"
  • The subplot where Kelly and Bud try to sneak a jukebox into their parents' room as a surprise. Hilarity Ensues with a few Oh, Crap! reactions out of Bud.
  • Another piece of odd Christmas programming: another airing of the Series Finale of Cheers.
    Peg: What does Cheers have to do with Christmas?
    Al: What does NBC have to do with television?
  • "Oh no, not 'Sally Struthers Feeds the Third World' channel! Sally, open your purse up! I'm sure there's enough Ding Dongs and Ho-Hos in there to start a new 7-Eleven! It's all these starvin' kids need; someone like Sally standing there, sayin', 'Are you gonna finish that?'"
    • This one gets a grin out of Peg.
  • Marcy, drunk from a Christmas Party she's hosting across the street, comes over and asks Al for a contraceptive. Al gives her a magazine with Whoopi Goldberg on the cover.
• In "The D'Arcy Files", Al learns that Jefferson is an ex-CIA agent, so to test his loyalty to America, Al asks him to name all of the current and former U.S. presidents. Jefferson goes through the entire list twice, but Al repeatedly name-drops Dwight D. Eisenhower to try to get him to crack.
• "Just a Little Off the Top": Al has an accident that hurts his back while playing football with his pupil Aaron and his buddies, making him to go to the hospital to get it fixed. Unfortunately for Al, he mistakenly gets a circumcision. Cue Al crying like a baby in the nursery next to triplets that were mentioned a while ago by a man waiting behind Peg to use the phone.
  • Do not tell Al "What's up" or he will deck you. Bud and Jefferson learned that the hard way.
• "Sofa, So Good" has a crazy man named Mary (pronounced Ma-RAY), who has a couch similar to the Bundys', among other couches. He also has a shrine dedicated to Louis Feinberg, a.k.a. Larry Fine from The Three Stooges.
• Peg's response to Al attempting to feign illness to get out of visiting her family.
  Al: Hey, Peg; I think I'm comin' down with something!
  Peg: Yeah... You're comin' down with ME to WANKER COUNTY!
• "Honey, I Blew Up Myself" has Al's choice of compliments for what Peg gave him for his birthday: a picture of herself. It gets blown up shortly after he hangs it up in the shoe store.
  Al: Well, I... I think you look...

  A "Wife-O-Meter" pops up around Peg, with the line "Well, I think you look..."

  A: Old
  Consequences: Groin pull. Possible head trauma. (Red X)

  B: Good after ten beers
  Consequences: Groin pull. Definite head trauma. (Red X)

  C: Beautiful
  Consequences: Groin pull... after failure to keep straight face. (Red X)

  D: Nice
  Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues. (Green Checkmark)
  Al: ...nice.
• "Valentine's Day Massacre": Bud tries to answer a delayed love note from a pretty girl who is now a pop star. Hilarity Ensues as he's thrown out by the guard, raped by a large woman, and dragged around by a dog named Winky.
  • After Crystal turns him down, Bud is confronted by the bodyguard again, who he had lured into the same room as the woman that raped him.
    Bud: Don't bother. I'll throw myself out. (grabs his collar)
    Rita: (emerges from the room, sees both of them) Yoo-hoo!
    Bodyguard: Oh, right behind you! (grabs his own collar and they both flee to the elevator)
• The subplot to "Field of Screams" involving a bug powder called Springtime in Baghdad.
• The entirety of "Al Goes Deep", especially the subplot with Peg's oversized bonbons, which took both Al and Jefferson an hour each to eat.
  • Peg's slogan for the bonbons. She decides to use her maiden name on her advertising.
    Peg: Put a wanker in your mouth!
  • Al's response when Peg asks him what he thinks.
    Al: Don't quit your day couch, Peg.
    Peg: You suck.
  • A season later, it's revealed what Jefferson did to cover up for the fact he stole Marcy's tax refund: told her she owed.
• In "Kelly Knows Something", Al, who has stated throughout the show's run that he scored 4 touchdowns at football back in Polk High, auditions for a sports-based game show called "Touchdown Trivia" and wins during rehearsal, but the focus group wants a more attractive contestant, so Al fills Kelly's head with knowledge of sports, but the catch is that for every fact Kelly absorbs, she gets another one ejected out of her head. Among the facts forgotten are how to wash her hair, Garfield, E=MC2, and for added humor, Buck and Seven.
• The episode "Get Outta Dodge" features Al trying to sell the Dodge. A series of Gilligan Cuts features the people who come to the door:
  • A couple of winos who want to buy a Dodge so they don't drink and drive and offer forty bucks, but aren't drunk enough to pay the $4,000 Al was asking;
  • A couple of mobsters who ask Al if the Dodge's trunk leaks;
  • A group of Middle Eastern Terrorists carrying something making a Terrible Ticking that want not only the Dodge, but directions to the Sears Tower;
  • Kelly, who's going door to door looking for Waldo and thought the Bundy house looked familiar;
  • A Japanese businessman, who just came to laugh at Al for how bad the American auto industry is.

Season 9

• In "Dial B for Virgin", Al and Peg are searching for a movie to rent, but can't seem to agree on one.
  Peg: Look, Al, you have said no to every movie that I have chosen.
  Al: Because every movie you choose sucks!
  Peg: Fried Green Tomatoes sucks?
  Everyone in store: YES!
  • Kelly's Prank Calls to the Virgin Hotline are hilarious.
  Kelly: Hi. My name is Isis J. Blowupdoll. My boyfriend Bud hasn't been able to keep his hands off me ever since I came out of the box. Now, should I try to stay firm, or just explode and go to pieces?
• In "Shoeless Al" Al demonstrates his ability to deceive a private investigator by laying Peg across his lap and giving her a lingering kiss that leaves her swooning.
  Al: Now, it may appear that I enjoyed that, when in actuality I'm choking on my own bile.
• In "Shoeway to Heaven", Al transforms the shoe store to cash in on a wave of '70s nostalgia after Jefferson convinces him that a pile of shoes from that time period could potentially be worth a lot of money. A reporter (Terry Murphy) interviews him and asks what convinced him to make the change:
  Al: ...I think that the I think the '70s symbolizes the very best in America. Take The Avengers (1960s), the Shelby Cobra, "Bad Moon Rising".
  Murphy: That was the '60s.
  Al: Well, take Miami Vice, the DeLorean, "Ebony and Ivory".
  Murphy: That was the '80s.
  Al: Well, what happened in the '70s?
  Murphy: The Ford Pinto, Diff'rent Strokes and Billy Beer.
• "I Want My Psycho Dad": The lie that Al and his buddies tell Peggy about where they're going when they're headed for DC to protest the cancellation of Psycho Dad...
  • After which Peg calls Marcy up to let her know the boys had gone off to protest.
• "Pump Fiction": Kelly's documentary, "Sheos", particularly the opening credits.
  • And Peggy Bundy as "The Monster."
• "Naughty But Niece" has Bud dreaming of making out with Breezy, only to wake up and see that he's next to Al. Al was too busy watching the game on TV to wake him up. Awk-ward...
  • Al hated Kelly's name, saying he wanted to name her Spike.
  • Bud goes to the shoe store to study because it's the "quietest place in the world". He falls asleep again and dreams about kissing a girl's leg, only to wake up kissing a fake leg and being greeted by Griff, who was just hired.
  Al: You ever sell shoes before?
  Griff: No. (looks around the store) Have you?
  • Peg talking to Bud on the phone for a really long time.
• "No Pot to Pease In": Al's unattended financial crisis meetings.
  • Kelly telling the producer about what her family and the D'Arcys are like, and then fabricating her life as a genius doctor/war veteran that once helped former president Ronald Reagan.
  • The FOX Network viewing positions, which is also used in a few subsequent episodes.
  • The actual "Pease in a Pod" sitcom that plagiarizes Kelly's life, and the similarities between the Pease family, Marla and Washington, and the Bundys, Marcy, and Jefferson. Al doesn't really notice the similarities and enjoys the sitcom.
  • Al's disgust toward Don Rickles, which ends with Al Breaking the Fourth Wall by using the TV remote on himself.
  • And the very end of the episode with the Bundys, Marcy, and Jefferson together with the Peases, Marla, and Washington. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
• Owl Al in "Kelly Takes a Shot".
• In "Get the Dodge Outta Hell", Al's Dodge is nowhere to be found when the Bundys take it to the car wash on the way to Wanker County to visit Peg's relatives. What does Al do? He goes through the car wash looking for the Dodge, gets sprayed with water and hot wax, jet-dried, and comes out shiny and covered with wax. All of that in a Funny Background Event.
• Gilbert Gottfried's appearance in the "Ship Happens" two-parter, complete with his comedy routine.
  • Al tries to kill a fish with an oar to get food for him, Peg, Marcy, Jefferson, Gilbert, and a fat woman. The fish bleeds to death and a shark is attracted as a Suspiciously Similar Song to the Jaws theme plays.
  • The subplot of the second half where Kelly and Bud are interviewed about their parents. The reporters insinuate if they've ever been abused, and Kelly begins lying to get money from the reporters.
    • And Peg tries to do the same thing 2 days after being rescued. It didn't work once Al came home on his own after jumping ship.
  • The ending, where Gilbert Gottfried shows up to tell Al he won a magazine sweepstakes contest, only to have the door slam on him.
• Every time that Peggy and Bud get anything related to Larry Storch, her acting coach, wrong in "Something Larry This Way Comes".
  • Al and Griff dressed as werewolves for "Midnight Madness Shoe Sale", because, as Al puts it, "Wolves, night, moon, shoes". No fat woman comes.
    • It turns out that his boss, Gary, is behind Al as he says that she won't stop him from seeing Larry.
      Al: (pitifully) Please don't fire me.
  • After Gary knocks Larry's lights out because of spite, it's up to Al to take his place while Kelly plays Christine in The Phantom of the Opera with him as the Phantom.
    • Kelly screws up on a line.
      Bud: (in the audience) That's "thee", you idiot!
      Kelly: Oh. I shall search for thee, you idiot.
    • Al playing "Charge" on the synthesizer and Jefferson's response.
      Al: I'll just sit here and play with my organ...
    • Al being exposed.
      Peg: Tail? Moons? Feet? Al!
  • Griff charges the women to have their picture taken with the unconscious Larry.
• Al and his buddies trying and failing to rewire the Bundy house in the episode "User Friendly". Which somehow involves Bob Rooney getting stuck in the upstairs walls.
• Officer Dan makes one of the all-time greatest one-liners in TV history in the episode where during the 1994 MLB strike ("A Man for No Seasons"), Al and the other members of NO MA'AM break into Wrigley Field just so they could play baseball. They wind up getting arrested, and are informed that that night's meal was ribs, just as their wives come to post bail. So Al tells Officer Dan that he killed a whole bunch of people and then ate them.
  Dan: "Then you've already had your ribs."
• "Kelly Breaks Out": When Al and Jefferson decide to get The Three Stooges videotapes, they both spend about two minutes doing every common slapstick routine the Stooges did.
• “Business Sucks” has Al and Griff sitting down after another encounter with a woman in denial over her shoe size.
  Al: Size 5. Why can't women ever admit to being anything over a size 5?
  Griff: Yeah.
  Al: It's the great thing about men. We don't lie about size. (Beat) Of course, I don't have to.
  Griff: Neither do I.
  Al: Well... neither do I.
  (Al and Griff stare at each other)
  Griff: Contest?
  Al: Let's rock!
  (Al produces a foot-measuring instrument as Griff prepares to unzip his pants… just as a young, attractive woman walks in. Cue everyone freezing and an awkward silence)
  Al: May I show you something?
  Connie: It better be shoes!

Season 10

• The season starts with Peg's mom moving in with the Bundys after a fight with her husband, much to Al's dismay. This becomes the source of utter hilarity throughout the season.
  • In the season premiere, "Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Dinner and Lunch":
    Peg: Give mom a break. She's distraught.
    Al: She's humongous!
    Peg's mom: (from upstairs) I'm just retaining water!
    Al: (to himself) Hoover Dam is retaining water! She's retaining Skittles!
    Peg's mom: Did someone say Skittles?
  • Which is followed by this:
    Peg: Mom said she'd take dad back if he came here and apologized to her. Please go to Wanker County and bring daddy here! Please!
    Al: Peg, you know I hate going Wanker County! I could end up as pie filling there!
    Peg's mom: (from upstairs) Did someone say pie filling?"
    Al: On the other hand, the same thing can happen upstairs. Okay, I'll go, Peg!
  • In "Requiem for a Dead Briard", the family gets a parrot to try and replace a dead Buck, but while they're away, it gets out of it's cage and flies upstairs:
    Marcy: (picking up a feather from the floor) Oh my God! A feather!
    Peg: Gee, I was wondering why Mom sent out for white wine.
    Al:: (from upstairs) What do you mean you thought it was a chicken?! When was the last time you heard a chicken doing a Marlon Brando impression?!
• Al deals with a fat woman in serious denial. ("A Shoe Room with a View")
  Woman: I was a size six before aerobics class. All that jumping must have expanded my foot.
  Al: Then I see you must have fallen on your butt a time or two.
  Woman: How dare you say that to my face?!
  Al: Well I'd say it behind your back but my car only has half a tank of gas!
• The subplot from "The Hood, the Bud and the Kelly" that involves Al, Jefferson and the rest of their NO MA'AM buddies trying to install a satellite dish on the Bundy roof, complete with the wives setting up a betting pool that involves betting on which husband will fall off the roof and where he'll land.
  Al: Gentlemen, gentlemen! Now, we've all hit the ground at least twice.
  Griff: I haven't. (Al smashes Griff's foot with a hammer, causing him to topple over and the other guys to start laughing)
  • Made even funnier by the incredibly low-budget, obvious dummies of the characters.
    • Jefferson: I've got bracket 'S' and washer 'T'. Hey Dan, hand me Screw 'U'.
    • Bob Rooney finds a nest on an antenna with an egg and plans to eat it, but a huge mama bird^note Dan describes it as a B-52 with a beak picks him up 70 feet in the air, and he ends up landing on Griff, who fell off the roof two minutes before that.
    • And eventually, NO MA'AM does get the satellite up... for themselves. They even decide to sleep on the roof in their pajamas.
  • In the main plot, there's Bud getting rejected and laughed at by every bank in Chicago.
• The entire episode of "Bud Hits The Books", starting with Bud being caught masturbating in the library...
  • When Bud starts laying out how the Abhorrent Admirer librarian hand-picked arousing study materials for him and shows the books he was given to the jury, the dean is horrified that one of them is "Costumes of the Trobrian Islanders" and puts his arm around Bud.
  "My God! The boy is only human!"
• In "Blonde and Blonder":
  • Al, Peg and the D'Arcys are gathering toys for a toy drive, and Marcy sees something unpleasant:
    Marcy: What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?
    Al: (pointing to Jefferson) Well, I don't know, you married him!
    Marcy: Not that Mr. Potato Head! The one that's actually worth something!
    • Meanwhile, Peg can't help but smile...
  • When Kelly and her friends sit around a table during their five-year Class Reunion and notices a handsome guy (who would introduce himself as Eric "nine toes" Waters, a high school nerd who's now a millionaire) is approaching them:
    Mindy: He IS cute. If I wasn't rocking Bud's world tonight, I'd be wearing him like a wet retainer.
    Fawn: He looks important. Do you think I could nonchalantly get my underwear off by the time he gets here?
    Kelly: You're wearing underwear? You really have changed.
  • Al, Peg, and the D'Arcys (and Lucky) have their own inner thoughts at one point as they play Twister while Kelly and Bud are away:
    Al: [thinking to himself] What is it about this game that's so sexy? I'm touching Peg's rear. For once, it feels pretty good!
    Jefferson: [thinking to himself] I feel someone touching my rear. I think it's Al. It's not as strong as Marcy, but he knows what I like.
    Peg: [thinking to herself] I love this game, with all the rears rubbing each other. This is just like sex, except I have a partner!
    Marcy: [thinking to herself] I hate this game. No one's touching my rear, and it's sticking way, way up in the air!
    Lucky: [thinking to himself] And they have us neutered.
• In "How Bleen Was My Kelly" the B-Plot involves Peggy searching the internet trying to find a profession more useless than shoe salesman. She can't find one, but in the end, Al does when he takes a turn at the keyboard:
  Al: You know Peg, there's gotta be someone out there even more worthless than me.
  Peg: Well I'd like to meet him.
  Al: Well here it is, Peg! Occupation: None. Skill: None. Use: None. Peg, say hi to Public Loafer Number One!
  A picture of Peg appears on the monitor!
  Al: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
• In the Christmas episode, "I Can't Believe It's Butter", Al and his NO MA'AM friends call a woman named Butter on her phone sex line using nicknames and become attracted to her beautiful, seductive voice. However, Al quickly loses interest after discovering that Butter is really Peggy's mother. When his mother-in-law earns big money from her sex line and buys the family a Christmas feast, Al decides to keep this a secret, but trouble stirs up when Griff falls in love with Butter. Fortunately, Al comes up with a plan involving Peggy posing as Butter on the phone and gently turning down Griff, and it works! Unfortunately, at the end, when all of Al's friends come over, Peggy's mother hears the commotion and comes to the stairs.
  Peg's mom: I recognize those voices: Butcher Boy, Psycho Cop, Hot Pants, Ken Doll, Shoehorn.
  (Bob Rooney, Officer Dan, Ike, Jefferson, and Griff all look at each other, confused at how Peg's mom know their nicknames)
  Peg's mom: (using her sexy voice) It's me... Butter.
  Bob Rooney, Dan, Ike, Jefferson, & Griff: (horrified) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!
  (Al's friends all run away in terror leaving a furious Al shaking his fist at his mother-in-law)

Season 11

• In the cold open for "Twisted", Al and Peg hang out on the couch, cracking each other up at Bud's (and each other's) expense.
  Peg: Now let's not tease Bud... He might turn out weird.
  [Al and Peg crack up]
  Peg: You know, I really did see something on Oprah that said women really do get turned on by life-threatening situations. I know I do.
  Al: Me too! Why don't you go upstairs and slip into a dry cleaning bag, see what that does for us? Mm, I'm gettin' all hot just thinkin' about it!
  Bud: And you wonder why I have problems with women.
  Al and Peg: ...No we don't! [Al and Peg crack up again]
  • This is probably the silliest episode of the entire series, and yet that makes it a set up for some screamingly funny gags; Peg makes a comment about Al getting blown into the air by the storm and landing on some "wicked witch" - then Al is blown through the air and lands on top of her. She follows that up with a comment about a house landing on them both, and then the fat woman customer Al was dealing with at the shoe store lands on top of them. Later they lock Marcy out of the basement, and Al pulls the old "Get them to charge the door then open it on them at the last instant" trick, sending Marcy tumbling down the basement stairs and over the railing, where she lands in a heap. Peg and Jefferson high-five over that one!
• In "The Stepford Peg", Peg opens a cabinet in the kitchen to reveal a mass of cobwebs and a large flapping bat. She wisely just closes the cabinet door and moves on.
• In "Grime and Punishment" Al is confined to the basement via a shock collar after refusing to make repairs in exchange for Bud paying rent. To Bud's frustration, Al decides he likes it down there and refuses to buckle on the repairs, even when Bud sends down Marcy to read her feminist poetry, then Kelly to re-enact "the history of America." Then they send Peg down for a conjugal visit, which starts with a horror movie chill tone and the lights going dim, and then a Nosferatu-esque shadow of Peg appears at the top of the stairs. Al frantically tries to get away, only for the shock collar to go off and drive him into Peg's embrace.

  Peg: Shut up, Al! You're my bitch now.

  • Kelly/Christina Applegate's spot-on imitation of Al when she's practicing for her improv class. You can see that the grin on Ed O'Neill's face as she's slouching out the door to mow the lawn is absolutely real.
    Kelly: Damn lawn, damn kids, damn wife... No sex today, Peg!
    Peg: ...Just as well.
• In "T*R*A*S*H" Marcy shows up with a trash bag to hector the Bundys about the garbage they've let pile up. She should've known better.

  Marcy: But, on behalf of the entire neighborhood, I demand that you do something to improve the look of things around here!

  Al gets up, puts the trash bag on Marcy's head, and throws her out of the house.

  Al: Now I've done my part.

  • Bud & Kelly build a catapult to fling trash bags at the D'Arcy's house.
• The Cold Opening of "Damn Bundys" has Al and Jefferson breaking the kitchen table.
  Peg: Al, you broke the... round, flat thing!
  • The Devil (played by Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund) poses as a repairman who freezes time around Al to show up and take his soul in exchange for playing as a fullback for the Chicago Bears. And he makes Al's eyes bulge for about 2 seconds. ^note This was part of a promotion for The Mask where every Fox sitcom that night had one cartoonish special effect inserted into it.
  • Peg's line while she and the others are in the stands watching Al play.
    Peg: Everybody wave! This is the last time we'll see Al walking.
  • The Devil sells food as an usher while Kelly looks for fictional bears, and Bud strikes deals over the phone, all of them happening as Al rises to fame and glory.
  • Al is sentenced to Hell. At first, he finds it to be a Cool and Unusual Punishment, until the Devil decides to put his family in his Hell, including Lucky with cute little devil horns. And Marcy and Jefferson, the former dying from slipping on confetti while dancing on Al's grave.
    Al: (to the Devil) Go to... here, you bastard!
  • 300 years later, Peg gets hooves (which prevents her from shopping on the phone), Bud gets lobster claws (which puncture his blow-up doll), Darcy and Jefferson have to endure Al's insults, and Kelly is a gargoyle (which scares off her date).
  • Al's line at the end of the episode when it turns out that it was All Just a Dream... Or Is It?
    Al: (holds up a box of Red Hots) There's no Hell like home.
• From the two-part Series Finale, the Cold Opening has Al wanting to see Death Wish 6 on TV, presented in 3-D. He puts on the 3-D glasses and sees Peg, which scares him.
  • Peg's reaction to Starla, Bud's crush and convict on the lam, calling her and Kelly his "sisters".
    Peg: "Sisters?" I like her.
  • Bo-Peep!Marcy and Lamb!Jefferson. That is all.
  • Kelly's eye twinkling as she falls for Lonnie, Starla's dim-witted boyfriend.
    • And the same thing happens when Lucky sees Lamb!Jefferson. Cue Lucky humping his leg.
  • Peg's reaction to the remote control being shot and broken in half.
    Peg: NO-O-O! My baby! (sobs) WHY?!?
    • "So many channels left to change!"
  • Marcy trying to put the keys to her Mercedes in her flat chest. They fall through.
  • Griff barging in on the hostage situation, which he ends up a part of.
    • When Starla makes her demands to the police, she holds Al at gunpoint—saying she wants a car to the airport, a ticket out of the country, and a large amount of cash.
      Al: I demand the same thing.
      Griff: [walking up to the door] And I need more Mountain Dew!
  • After a Moment of Awesome where Al is saved by his lucky shoehorn after being shot by Starla, the episode ends with Kelly decides to marry Lonnie, much to Al's dismay.
    Peg: Isn't it romantic?
    Al: (to his shoehorn) Damn you!
  • Al hates Lonnie at first, but is tickled pink to know that he's the heir to Weenie Tots, and that Kelly's engagement ring is real.
  • Peg gets Kelly's attention:
    Peg: Kelly? Kelly? (beat) Is that Big Bird?
  • Kelly thinks that a colander she gets as an engagement gift is a hat.
  • Al's reaction to the big-screen T.V. given to the Bundys by the Tots.
  • Jefferson "filming" Kelly and Lonnie's wedding (actually filming random women) and getting scolded by Marcy. He also catches Lucky burying the wedding invitations.
  • Bud is paired up with Lonnie's ugly sister.
    Al: Attention everyone, I would like to announce the engagement of my son!
    Bud: Damn you, dad...!
  • Everybody finds out that Lonnie is a two-timing snake, as proven when he tries hitting on Marcy. It is followed by Al's speech about marriage, which overlaps with Moment of Awesome and Heartwarming.

Unsorted

• In one episode, Bud was asked to entertain the sister of Kelly's Latin Lover boyfriend, and Bud reluctantly agrees, because if he does, Kelly will convince her beautiful friend Fawn to sleep with him. Shortly afterward, said Latin Lover arrives, and it turns out that A) his sister is beautiful too, and B) she's joining a convent the next day. Cue her and Bud having a marathon sex session that hits high levels of hilarity in the background. However, the truly funny moment came at the end of the episode, where Bud is utterly spent, kisses the sister goodbye, and declares that he has absolutely nothing left. He then says that he can die a happy man and wishes that God would "Take me now!" At which point Fawn shows up, says that's her job, and drags the horrified, exhausted Bud down to the basement, with him screaming the whole way. Too much of a good thing, indeed.
  • Kelly's date Carlos telling a joke.
  • From the main plot, Al breaks Jefferson out of the trance from the marriage counseling with Big 'Uns.
    Al: Take two and call me in the morning. (beat) Better yet, make it four.
  • One woman's husband at counseling happens to be a clown.
  • "Al, I can feel you smiling."
• Peg is jealous of a toilet:
  Peg: What's that toilet have that I don't?
  Al: A job.
• The D'Arcys agree to feed Lucky while the Bundys are on vacation. They decide to role-play as Al and Peggy. Hilarity Ensues.
  Marcy: I finally understand why they're still married.
  • And when they get caught by the Bundys:
  Peg: Hi! [Dramatic Pause] ...What'cha doin'?
  Marcy: Oh, it's just a... long, boring story.
  Al: Does it end with "we're degenerate perverts?"
  Marcy: Oh so you've heard this one! Bye!
• Al rappin'.
  • The Sequel and Classic One Liners.
• Young Mr. Bundy As hilarious as old Bundy.
• Al's greatest life achievement, four touchdowns in one game when he was in High School.
• Marcy is asking for it.
  • Pretty much every time Marcy is insulted, and not only by Al.
  • Every time Al calls her "chicken".
• Al explains the finer points of how sex sells to Marcy.
• In what turned out to be the very last scene of the very last episode (given that it was aired out of production order), Al and Griff are both at the shoe store reading magazines while on their break. A customer comes in and asks for the shoes she ordered. Al snaps his fingers, and the shoe store's latest hire comes out of the stock room - Mr. Zippy, a chimp that Al and Griff acquired during their trading frenzy earlier in the episode. Mr. Zippy is dressed exactly like Al, and he hands the woman her shoes before hopping up into the chair next to Al. They look at each other, and then put their hands down their pants at the same time. The resemblance between them is uncanny.
• Al Bundy is a poet. He is better than William Shakespeare. This are some of his poems:
  • "I care, by Al Bundy."
    "When hooters jiggle around, and I find nickels on the ground, I care,
    When a Mustang engine purrs, and the bathroom is not hers, I care,
    When the pitcher's on the mound, and the wife is underground, I care,
    But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays, I SWEAR"!
    (Peggy's lines): "And if you really wanna scare, check out his underwear, If you dare."
  • "Wife Chant"
    "I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back.
    I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack.
    I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch.
    I've seen her on her stupid couch.
    I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall.
    I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife"!
• In the second part of the Spring Break episode, the scenes where "thanks to state-of-the-art graphics courtesy of Columbia Pictures Television" (AKA a hand moving a car on a map of the U.S.), we see Marcy driving Bud and friends driving to Florida..
• The Bundys eating at a restaurant.
• The beginning of "Rock and Roll Girl" has Al trying to get away from his family, who want his money on "Allowance Day", by using a Bedsheet Ladder, but it doesn't work because they spot him.
  • The "Ask The Dullard A Question" stand, which costs 25 cents to ask Kelly (obviously) a question.
  • Kelly tricks the last of her rivals for the role of the "rock slut" in the new Gutter Cats music video by telling her that a random bum begging for change is the drummer of the band and that she'll get the part if she sleeps with him.
  • Peg gets sent home by an officer for making a toll booth at the airport and nearly drops the charges (because Al's money is tied up in...despair), until Peg tells the cop that Al has a bumper sticker that reads, "Support Higher Education: Send a Cop to First Grade."
  • Kelly constantly screwing up the music video with her ditziness, leading to the director suggesting for her to be chained to the fence.
  • The Buddy Burgers commercial.
    Singers: Buddy, Buddy, Buddy Burgers made with love.
    Announcer: And lard!
  • After Marcy tells Al that Kelly will be fine on her own, he has flashbacks of Kelly trying to spell "cat" ^note incorrectly every single time and being sent home by the police over the years. It's also a Heartwarming Moment.
• "Tis Time To Smell The Roses" has Sock Daddy, a sock puppet version of Al. S.D. even comes with cute little slippers and a pipe^note which Al used to pick his ear while making his decision on retirement.
  • Marcy accuses Al of stealing her newspaper, when Buck actually did it. However, Buck wasn't the one that peed in her roses.
  • Al singing calypso, even calling Peg a "big red tarantula" and saying he will put his hand in his "pantula".
  • Ms. Blaub^note Guess what she looks like makes fun of Al when he goes to her for a job. He ends up selling athletic shoes with three immigrant men named Habib, and he is not the slightest bit amused, until he is made in charge of the four.
  • Charlene Tilton visits the Bundys to hawk the Abdominizer. Bud, or rather, Grandmaster B., hits on her.
    • They later use the Abdominizer as a cheese tray.
  • Al demands that he wants his money and threatens to humiliate his family AND Charlene if they don't let him have it.
    • He first threatens to run around Polk High in only his underwear, telling all the students and teachers that he's Bud and Kelly's father. He'd then go to Peg's beauty parlor, sans underpants, and tell them that he's her husband. And afterward, he'd proudly flaunt his saggy gut and loudly proclaim that it was the result of weeks of using The Abdonimizer.
• "The Proposition" has Al stealing a man's lunch at work. Vanna White's character, who plays a celebrity named Coco ^note a woman who graduated from Polk High and became famous, catches him and greets him. After she flirts, an ice cube slips down his pant leg. She's turned on by his slobbiness.
  • Coco meeting the Bundys and Al taking the pizza she brought for them.
  • Kelly fainting whenever Coco states how much she finds Al attractive. Peg and Bud do the same thing when Coco asks to purchase Al.
• From "A Tisket, A Tasket, Can Peggy Make A Basket?", after a report proving that dogs can look like their owners, Peg mistakes Buck for Bud, and Al makes the same mistake when he came home.
  • Al gives Peg the rules of basketball when she tags along to join him at the game.
  • Kelly's attempts to snag a handsome basketball player. First, she disguises herself as Tina Turner to sing the National Anthem. Then she disguises herself as one of the cheerleaders, and can't synchronize with the real cheerleaders.
  • "And now it's time to meet your NBA all-stars... and Danny Ainge."
  • Both instances of Xavier McDaniel beating up Al.
  • Peg gets her chance to shoot a basket and win $10,000, but the announcer keeps making her nervous, causing Al to choke him off-screen.
• "Hood N' the Boyz" has Al and Peg go on their second honeymoon, and 3 instances of Al being forced into sex by Peg, where the audience gets treated to Relax-o-Visions consisting of various things with cartoon sound effects.
  • Al challenges Ray-Ray to a brawl, but Ray-Ray brings in his gang, clearly outnumbering Al and beating him up. Peg asks what happens, and he answers that he Cut Himself Shaving.
    • Al brings in his own gang, but once again, he's outnumbered, and the others leave.
  • After having to have sex with Peg for the third time, Al is helped by Bud and Kelly to confront Ray-Ray yet again.
    Al: (dazed} Kud, Belly, what are you four doing here?
  • In this episode Marcy has been forcing Jefferson to read the Book The Woman is Always Right but this isn't the only thing on his reading list.
    Jefferson: Al, Al, Al. Have you ever read the Book The Man is Always Right?
    Al: No, the wife wouldn't let me.
    Jefferson: Well, in the chapter titled My God. Is She Still Here?...
• The subplot of "Proud to Be Your Bud" with Al calling to get his beloved Dodge spruced up. It's absolutely hilarious to watch him slowly go insane from the sheer abundance of "If X, Press Y" instructions.
  • Especially the ending.
    Voice: If you build it, they will come. If you want them to build it for you, press one now.
  • The main plot has the clip show that Bud is shown to by his "cool side".
• "Luck of the Bundys": Al, whose good luck is rising and can't admit it since he will get an equal amount of bad luck due to the Bundy Curse, is talked into playing poker with Jefferson and 3 escaped criminals. One of them bets his Hello Kitty keychain.
  "Yeah, it looks funny, but it feels good in my pocket."

• "25 Years and What Do You Get?": Every time Al exaggerates how long he's been married to Peg.
  • The Foreshadowing of Buck getting so old, over-the-hill, and senile to the point of being close to death.
    Buck's father: Buck, come into the light.
    Buck: Daddy?
    ...
    Buck's mother: Buck, come into the light. It's all goodness and love.
    Buck: Mommy?
  • The crazy treatments at the spa Peg and Marcy go to.
  • Kelly and Bud make fun of the tuxedo Al rented for $8.
• In "And Bingo Was Her Game-O", Al and Jefferson watch a commercial for Girly Girl Beer, and find that Yoko Ono is sponsoring it, much to their horror. Al throws the remote at the screen, breaking it, and thus, NO MA'AM must find a new beer, which leads to them getting drunk off of the beer they're trying to find.
  • Al eating expired Coco Lumps.
    Al: "Do not sell after 1989." ... ah Hell, I'm not selling, I'm eating.
  • Old Lady Lucille harassing Marcy during bingo. Peg says that Lucille is nice once you get to know her.
  • Peg and Marcy take 4 cabs to get home from Bingo. The first driver was with the janitor's sleazy cousin who is on parole and has on an ankle monitor that will explode if he goes out of his area, the second one has on an eye-patch and Drives Like Crazy in a Geo Metro, the third one is a Stepford Smiler who has been driving three days non-stop and is going to kill herself by crashing her cheating husband's cab into a pole, and the fourth one keeps falling asleep at the wheel.
  • Ike and Bob Rooney arguing over which actress/model is hotter: Claudia Schiffer or Pamela Anderson. They eventually get so drunk off the beers they've been drinking that their argument eventually devolves to this:
    Bob Rooney: Claudia Schiffer...!
    Ike: Tastes great...!
• "Girlfriend!" "In da house!"
  • It turns out that the aerobics studio that Al wanted next to the shoe store is used by fat women. Cue the women doing the Dumbo Drop and causing the room that Al and his buddies are in to quake.
  • Peg makes a model of Oprahland and describes what the attraction is like.
  • Kelly's padding for a much better aerobics studio, which zaps Al.
  • Al's shirt seam bursts at the sight of the beautiful, thin women at the other studio.
• Bud's transformations in "How Bleen Was My Kelly?", set to the tune of a Suspiciously Similar Song to Michael Jackson's "Black or White". In this order, a rabbi, a little girl, a fat man, a geisha, Al, a can of Vienna sausage, and finally, an older version of himself.
• In "The Weaker Sex", the men don't want to see The Bridges of Madison County, the star of Johnny Mnemonic blends in with a cardboard cutout of himself, and Al doodles a mustache on Nicole Kidman's face on the To Die For poster.
• In "Flight of the Bumblebee", NO MA'AM get stuff from "The Just Store", which sells only the best parts of certain snack foods.
  • This line when NO MA'AM finds that Peg, Marcy, and the girls are on the couch again like the night before:
    Al: Well, we must've traveled back in time, because I'm experiencing deja MOO!
  • Bud, a.k.a. The Bumblebee, getting his butt handed to him by King Kong Bundy (no relation). Meanwhile, NO MA'AM is forced into making love to their horny wives.
• In "Bearly Men", Bud gets spooked by an owl, a cricket, and banjo playing, the last of these scaring him so much that he ends up throwing a rock at the bear that he and Al were looking for in order to prove their manliness to Peg's father Ephraim, so that they could get him to take back Peg's freeloading mom, who is grossly overweight.
  • It turns out that the bear isn't dead, and it raids the Bundys' fridge and steals a can of beer. Lucky, however, is completely apathetic about the situation.
  • Kelly calling Yogi Bear a documentary.
  • The bear wreaking havoc in Chicago.
• The ending of "Calendar Girl". Without giving anything away, during the credits, we see Bud still frozen in the exact same position in the darkened living room with static coming from the TV.
• From "Al Goes To The Dogs", we get the text lying about what the weather's like during the night at 3:15 in the morning.
  • Al hurts himself trying to build Lucky a doghouse after tiring of the dog's urinary problems at night.
    Al: Damn nail! Damn thumb! Damn dog!!
    • Then he gets chased by a runaway lawnmower two minutes later.
      Al: Make way!
  • "Damn dog, damn neighbor, damn day I was born!"
    • This was also the episode where Al was being forced by a property inspector (hired by Marcy) to build a dog-house up to code... including a proper foundation, electricity, a toilet, etc. All of which Al gleefully uses Carlos to finance, with a bit of a kickback for himself.
• The intro used for the Spinoff Episode Enemies, where Al gives everyone in the family his money, including Lucky.
  • The various Take That!s to Friends.
    • Al breaking the remote in half after browsing through the Friends parodies, then complaining about the things he wasted money on.
    • Later, Al watches Friends with binoculars to ogle at Jennifer Aniston. Alan Thicke does the same thing.
  • Unfaithful delivery boy Tom tries to win over his girlfriend Shannon, a Dumb Blonde played by Nicole Eggert, wilted roses. He says he should've gone with sausage after it doesn't work.
  • The elderly couple's disgusted reactions to Shannon and Alan Thicke getting close (it's actually Shannon faking it to get Tom's goat):
    Edwin: Excuse me, people eat there!
    • Later...
      Edwin's wife: (lustfully) Oh, Edwin, take me to the bathroom!
• In "The Joke's On Al", a prank has Griff accused of cannibalism.
  • It gets a Continuity Nod in the 11th and final season's premiere episode, "Twisted".
• Speaking of "Twisted", there's Griff catching flying food as the tornado approaches, while Al gets his hand stuck in a fat woman's shoe. Griff tries to help, but he gets Distracted by the Sexy.
  • Peg slaps Al after Marcy does the same thing to Jefferson.
  • Kelly outruns a tornado looking for Lucky. Then decides to find him in the tornado.
  • Al's secret passageway to the nudie bar.
  • The stinger with Kelly as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.
• In the Cold Opening of "A Babe in Toyland", Kelly is stuck wearing a gigantic wedge of cheese, which Al and Peg proceed to eat little by little.
  • The main plot where Kelly works with her childhood idol Uncle Dudley as Princess Kelly on "Uncle Dudley's Peanut Gallery". She gets to read Curious George Converts To Judaism to the kids. And Uncle Dudley and his puppet Frederick have a fight, ending with Frederick being decapitated, leading to her being the replacement host.
    • But that's not all. She has a puppet of Bud named "Budrick". And a shirt based off of it:
      DON'T BE A BUDRICK, BE A GOOD-RICK
    • Al's reaction to the t-shirt is also pretty great.
  • The subplot involving Al getting twin beds for him and Peg in return for her wanting a TV. She just won't stop sleeping on him.
    • Later on, Peg kicks Al off the top bunk of their bunk beds, causing him to fall through the floor and land in the living room.
  • "Kids, sharing is for losers!" The kids "boo" at Kelly for saying that.
  • Princess Kelly curses in a TV's show in front of the children. The beeping makes it funnier.
• From the subplot of "Breaking Up Is Easy To Do", Kelly is challenged to a brawl with her rival (Lisa Robin Kelly) over a movie role:
  Kelly: I will give you a knuckle salad!
  Bud: Sandwich.
  Kelly: No thanks, I'm in training.
  • During the boxing match:
    "You fight as bad as you act!"
    Kelly: Yeah, well you fight as bad as Brooke Shields acts!"
  • The main plot has Al's short attention span as he stares at a couple of balls he's holding during therapy.
• Part 2 of the main plot of the above 3-parter: Kelly and Bud try to remember the things Al did after he leaves Peg. They can't remember a single thing and Kelly ponders why Peg is even crying in the first place.
  • Also, this line:
    Bud: Don't worry, mom, we'll never leave you.
    (cue waterworks from Peg)
  • Marcy is happy that Al's gone. She then gets Peg to smash Al's belongings with a hammer.
    • And the Brick Joke:
      Al: She shredded my Big 'Uns into Little 'Uns!
  • Al's "Risky Business" Dance once he got a new place to live. Also, said new place is near the airport.
  • How Kelly attracts guys at the singles bar. Peg is proud that she taught her that on her first day in junior high.
  • Peg mistakes Marcy for a blond boy in a mirror.
  • Jefferson gets busted by Marcy, who then proceeds to drag his unconscious body out of the bar.
  • Al calls on the phone. Kelly answers.
    Al: It's Daddy, Pumpkin.
    Kelly: "Daddy... Pumpkin."
  • Al forces Jefferson and Griff out when a beautiful woman comes by with a broken shoe heel. He then meets her big, intimidating ex-boyfriend named Sasquatch, who knocks him out and gets his waterbed punctured.
    Lady: Thanks for fixing my shoe.
• Part 3: Al talks about the "Single Gene".
  • Peg's dinner. First, she gets Kelly and Bud to leave when she threatens to send them to Al. Then, there's her potato salad, made with unpeeled whole potatoes and lettuce. Then, Jefferson saves Peg's new beau Bruce from choking, which is interpreted by the women as something else.
  • The Flashback Montage of Al in 11 seasons worth of clips. It's as sweet as it is hilarious.
  • The ending has Al and Peg get back together and make love at the spot where they had their first argument. It results with the Dodge crumbling.
• The Cold Opening of "Birthday Boy Toy" where Kelly finds out that Peg robbed her from her piggy bank, leading to Peg distracting her with something shiny, and does the same thing to Al, but it really doesn't work on the latter, who's upset with her shopaholic-ness.
  • Al and Griff build a tiny house made out of shoe boxes. It leads to a Brick Joke involving a bigger shoe box house that two little people decide to buy.
  • Jefferson, who is having a birthday in this episode, becomes vain and insecure about his age.
  • Peg can't use the phone to shop because it's zapping her.
    Peg: Ow! Damn you, Al.
    • She then gets Jefferson over just to disable the zapper on the phone and use his credit card.
  • Al's Bad "Bad Acting" in the commercial for the shoe store starring Kelly.
    Kelly: That's much, much better, Daddy. Really. (to Bud) Can his ass.
    • Bud harshly firing Al and explaining why. Kelly, Griff, and everyone else agrees.
      "It SUCKS."
• The Kyoto bank was going to name their new Polk High scoreboard after Al but Marcy gets them to name it after Terry Bradshaw. Kelly appeals to Mr. Bradshaw who tells the bank to change it back. Al doesn't know this and ends up blowing up the scoreboard that was just named in his honour. The next scene is Peggy and Al watching TV.
  Broadcaster: And in other news, hundreds of organizations are claiming credit for the bombing of the Al Bundy scoreboard, including the National Organization of Women, The National Organization of Fat Women, and the government of France.
• In the beginning of the sixth season, Peggy is pregnant, promting Al to say "God, I feel like Exxon...one spill and I'm paying for it the rest of my life."
• In the show's only Halloween episode, "Take My Wife, Please", Al is visited by Death...who takes on the image of Peg. Upon about to be taken by Death, he cries out, "Why me? Why not take Michael Bolton...or whoever wrote that Facts Of Life theme song?"^note Which is made even funnier when you realize that Alan Thicke is one of the theme's composers!
• Peg breaks up a NO MA'AM meeting to force Al to celebrate her birthday with her:
  Peg: I'm just so excited, this is just like before we got married!...Oh! Al, is that money in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
  (audience hoots and hollers over the innuendo)
  Al: (unamused) It's money, Peg. Just like before we got married.

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