Funny / Mark Kermode

• He reviewed Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen on his blog... by repeatedly banging his head against a wall.
  • His actual rant on 5 Live was even funnier.
  • Two years later, he "reviews" Transformers: Dark of the Moon. The actual review on 5 Live was a bit more serious, but still had its moments, such as his explanation of why the film is essentially a "soft-core sex comedy".
  • His reaction to the news of a fourth Transformers film.
  • The Dodge Brothers present: "Transformers - A Musical Tribute"
• The mighty Pirates Three rant. For the icing on the cake, Simon Mayo, who is broadcasting live from the PGA Championship at Wentworth, gets so tired of listening to Mark rant that he starts reading the Daily Telegraph and eventually gets up and leaves for a few minutes to check the golf scores.
  Simon: [reading a listener's email] "Having just seen the third installment of this nauseating franchise, I can safely assure the listening public that there is not a single element that suggests to me that we won't be getting a full-on Kermodian-style rant of the century. Put away your eyepatches, give up your rum bottles, turn your radios up to eleven, it's gonna be an absolute screamer." Mark, what did you think of the new Pirates movie?
• His thoughts on the horribly schmaltzy Elizabethtown.
  Mark: ... At which point it was all I could do to stop from standing up and shouting "STEWARDESS! The barf bag, please!" You expect oxygen masks to drop down from the ceiling and people to be carried out on stretchers following the red lights taking them to the nearest exit.
  • And that's not all — he then goes on the compare it to the Vomit Chain Reaction scene from Problem Child 2.
• The review of Eat, Pray, Love... Vomit. Complete with alternate Werner Herzog ending.
• To an extent, the Revolver (2005) review. Here is a film that is so bad, Mark actually feels sorry for the man who made it.
• Mark finally cracks after seeing Fred The Movie (and annoys Simon immensely).
• His take on improved American behavior in cinemas while watching Hall Pass.
  • "As far as Hall Pass is concerned, the movie sucked, but the film was great!"
• There's a reason many consider his review of The Da Vinci Code to be a hilarious classic.
  • The same goes for the "intergalactically stupid" Angels and Demons.
• Another insanely funny classic is his review of Zack Snyder's Sucker Punch.
• Mark Kermode demolishes Andrew Stanton's John Carter.^note "OF MARS!" Hilarity ensues.
• His review of Mamma Mia!!. The Good Doctor's reaction to the film isn't necessarily what you might expect.
  • Simon's confused "What?" at the end of the rant when he says he's going to go again and invites Simon to come with him just adds to it.
• His review of Rock of Ages. For Mark, it was GRUELING. GRUELING. GRUELING.
• The AMAZING Sex and the City 2 review, including Mark singing The Internationale. Takes a little while to get going, but well worth the wait.
  Simon: You're not going to get a rant about this...
• In the Valentine's Day review, he mentions that it was directed by Garry Marshall, who also directed Pretty Woman, which was written by the man who wrote and directed Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. Naturally, Mark suggests renting Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and watching that as a Valentine's Day film instead of Valentine's Day, because "it's funnier in every possible way and far, far more romantic."
  • Also: "I hate this movie, it's like getting a greeting card full of vomit."
• An anecdote about the Family Stone screening — there was a moment where it looked as though the film had ended, so one critic got up to leave, and when it came back on everyone could hear him shout "OH GOD!!!"
• The review of Gamer, which begins with a Gerard Butler impression, which branches off into an impression of Ian Paisley.
  Mark: NO! SPARTA SAYS NO!
• In the review of Destricted (an anthology of 18-certificate pornographic short films), Mark mentions that the first film features "a man becoming very well acquainted with a two tonne caterpillar truck... and a large root vegetable." At the end of the review, Simon responds by asking, "Was the truck OK?"
• The review of The Lady In The Water, especially the first few minutes.
  Mark: It's a piece of self-aggrandising hogwash that involves the actors saying things like "The Narf is coming out of the tree followed by the Scrunt, but the Iggledy-Piggledy is hiding in the Biddly-Bong, and after a while the Eagle of Doom is going to -" and you're going "Shut up, shut up, shut up..."
• What did Mark think of Daddy Day Camp? Two words: "Excrementally terrible".
• The sheer awfulness of Fred Claus prompts Mark to deliver some breaking news: "Satan has taken over Christmas, and we're all going to Hell in a handcart."
• The Good Night review, with hilariously bad Penélope Cruz impression.
  Simon: Is she German?
  Mark: She's Werner Herzog's Bavarian cousin.
• Before he goes to see a press screening of The Hangover: Part III, he promises to give the viewers his first opinions. He has nothing to say from the sheer awfulness of the sequel, as you can see here.
• The Get Smart review, made hilarious by Mark's impression of Anne Hathaway's agent.
  Mark: [as her agent] I know she was in The Princess Diaries and everybody loves that, but she's got great legs...
• The review of Seven Pounds. At the beginning, Mark reveals that Sony have explicitly told him and other journalists not to give away too much about the plot. And yes, Hilarity Ensues.
• There's a great bit in the review of Observe and Report where Mark reads a quote from the director Jody Hill about how we wants to make films that are "dangerous and controversial, even if they offend some people", then points out that what Hill has actually done is remade Paul Blart: Mall Cop for adults.
  Mark: So, bear in mind that Observe And Report is not Paul Blart: Mall Cop, ok? So Seth Rogen plays a character who's a mall cop, like Paul Blart, and he's useless and pudgy, like Paul Blart. He has a condition that requires medication, like Paul Blart, he's got a crush on a girl at the mall, like Paul Blart, he lives with his mother, like Paul Blart, he dreams of firing a gun, like Paul Blart, but like Paul Blart he can't actually have a gun. There's a crime happening in the mall, like in Paul Blart: Mall Cop, solving it will be his redemption, like in Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and though everyone will laugh at him on the way, like Paul Blart: Mall Cop, he will end up triumphing, like Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
  • What's also great about it is how Mark talks about the allegedly hilarious plot in a completely normal and serious tone as if to emphasise just how unfunny the idea sounds.
• His review of The Counselor (or The Counsellor in the UK) is another winner, especially when he imitates Brad Pitt's dialogue.
  "What is the value of grief when it is just ief with a gr at the end"....And it just goes on and on and on....!
• The Cameron Diaz comedy The Other Woman (2014) gets a thorough going over by an unimpressed Mark ("Hey! Go crazy, empowerment! Woo!").
  "I can't even remember what the name of the film is now..."
• His disparaging review of Film Socialisme, in which he says that the film is not so much a case of "The Emperor has no clothes" as "The Emperor is running down the street, waving his nouvelle vagues in your face, with a camera secreted somewhere the sun don't shine."
• At the end of Mark's 10 Worst Films of 2012 retrospective, to introduce the top (or bottom) film on the list, he removes his glasses and produces two hardcover volumes of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, which he proceeds to bash against his head. After taking a moment to recover, he says, "Yes, that was actually more fun than watching Keith Lemon: The Movie."
  • In the actual review, he reveals that he decided that rummaging around for a missing five pence piece amongst all the gunge and detritus down the side of the cinema seat was actually more pleasant than watching the film. Another highlight is the idea that anyone immature enough to find the "puerile" gags funny would be barred from seeing the film due to the 15 certificate.
  • His use of the word "fungal" to describe the film.
  • Towards the end of his video about the most offensive film characters of recent times, he mentions Keith Lemon: The Movie. He found it offensive "as a human being".
• Any time he does his Danny Dyer impression, such as when he reviewed Run For Your Wife.
  • "The trailer has got Danny Dyer standing on a rake and Neil Morrissey sitting on a cake, which basically tells you where we are."
• His description of Pimp, another Danny Dyer film, which happens about two and a half minutes into Mark's Five Worst Films of 2010. What makes it funny is how he says the title, in a sort of a loud, high-pitched squeak:
  "At three, it was three halfway through the year, it's still three at the end of the year, Pimp!, Danny Dyer's worst movie to date. What can we say about Pimp!? Well, there is an upside to it, apparently the film took around £205 in British cinema, so Pimp! was a total flop, which is great, because it make you think that, well you can say what you like about audiences being stupid but they stayed away from Pimp! in their droves, and I think as long as audiences stayed away from Pimp! there is hope for all of us. So at number three, bottom five films of the year, Pimp!"
• "If you go see Little Man, shame on you. Shame on you." According to Mark, the film isn't just bad or offensive, it's possessed by the devil. You can listen to his review here.
  "Listen, I've spent my whole life defending movies that people tell me are evil, and they're not. I get told horror movies are bad for you and action movies are bad for you and erotic thrillers are bad for you - no. Little Man is bad for the world."
• In the review of Body of Lies, Mark says that you can tell the film is trying to be serious because of its aesthetic, the fact that it's incomprehensible, and because Russell Crowe is fat. There follows an amusing discussion about Russell Crowe's weight gain.
  Mark: Can I just say on behalf of those who carry around a little extra weight anyway, go away. I don't want you getting an award playing blokes who look like me, OK? Some of us are proud of the way we look. But Russell Crowe thinks that that's the way he demonstrates that he's doing a serious part is that he eats a bunch of cake, for about a month beforehand —
  Simon: I don't think it's a "bunch" of cake, by the way.
  Mark: You know, I think in his case, you know, I think it's a whole bunch of cake, mate. It really is.
• The Marley & Me review. Apparently, there is such a thing as "sentimentality porn".
  Simon: You don't even think dog lovers are going to like it?
  Mark: I'M A DOG LOVER, I HAD A HORRIBLE TIME!
• Mark's damning review of Terminator Salvation^note directed by McGee!, which eventually turns into an epic rant against McGee! and his questionable efforts as a film director, complete with Mark's own theory as to why Christian Bale flipped out on the set of the film.
• One of the Radio 5 listeners saying that they'd rather be defrosting the freezer than watching Animals United.
• Mark takes a look at Movie 43 on his blog, and attempts to describe just how unfathomably bad it is.
  "I'm not making this up. At least, I keep trying to convince myself that it was all a bad dream, but I've now read other reviews, and they saw the same film as me."
• His review of Charles Dickens's England. Not only was the film essentially a television programme masquerading as feature-length documentary, but he forced himself to sit through it for TWO! HOURS! TWO! HOURS! ("How long?") TWO! HOURS! And then there's his Derek Jacobi impression...
• Kermode Uncut: A Transformers Christmas Doohicky. It's Christmas Day, and Mark settles down to open the presents he received from Michael Bay and McG...
• In the first chapter of The Good, The Bad And The Multiplex, Mark briefly talks about the relationship between him and his laptop:
  "A few weeks later, I would finally lose all patience with this piece of hi-tech machinery and conclude that it was actually possessed by the Assyrian demon of the south-west wind whose name I had once typed into a document thereby allowing it entry to the accursed wiring. In an attempt to cleanse its foul electronic soul, I took it out into the yard, laid it down on the cold, hard ground, then worked through our theological differences with the help of a large wooden stake that I drove through its inexorably blackened heart. The computer screamed and shattered and quaked like a soul in torment, levitating and spider-walking as the evil spirits fled from its head-spinning ruptured hard drive. And I was left with a profound feeling of calm and wellbeing, free at last from its hideous, Hadean taunts..."
• His attempt to explain "the science of 3D" on his blog, by dangling Smurfs in front of the camera. His conclusion? "See, either way, they still look like bloody Smurfs."
• His utterly joyless (and very snarky) countdown of "The Ten Worst Christmas Movies Ever".
  "Christmas is coming, the Turkey's getting fat. Turn on the television and all you see is crapitty-crap-crap..."
  • He describes the concept of The Santa Clause series as "Miracle on 34th Street meets David Cronenberg's The Fly (1986)." He also compared the third installment to tertiary syphilis.
• The very brief and somewhat mournful review of Dirty Grandpa. He has very little to say about it.
  Simon: [breaking the silence] Let me know when you've finished your review, by the way.
  Mark: That's really it.
• His utter confusion as to why Bula Quo! even exists.
  • "When I was watching it I was struggling not only to stay awake, but to stay alive."
• The review of Moshi Monsters: The Movie is funny in itself, but it does contain a particularly hilarious moment in which Mark gives a few words on the clip:
  Mark: Now, if I can add to that, imagine the following experience. A sink in which someone has recently technicolour yawned. Put your head into it and into the waste disposal unit and turn it on, whilst that is playing in the background. That is what is awaitin' you for the adult audience taking the toddlers to see Moshi Monsters.
• Very few films have left Mark speechless — but Nativity 3: Dude, Where's My Donkey actually managed to do it.
• Mark's impressions. Some kind soul was good enough to compile a selection of them and upload them to YouTube.
  • The Iron Man impressions.
  • "Spectacularly overripe performances, not least from Eddie Redmayne, who is basically playing Emperor Ming..."
• Simon often says that Mark's comments should be put on the posters of the films he's criticising. Here's what it would look like if they actually did "put it on the poster", courtesy of Buzzfeed.
• Mark's recalls his 10-year old son's reaction to Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer:
  Mark: "One minute, he's looking for Bigfoot, the next minute they're putting paper mache hats on lions, and there's a bit about the teacher... I mean, what's all that about?" And I said: "That's the death of narrative cinema." And then he told me to shut up and stop showing off.
  Simon: Like the nation does.
• The opening sentence of this review of Unfinished Business 2015.
  "Jesus wept, Vince Vaughn has done it again — kicking the putrefying corpse of feel-bad scrotal comedy around our screens with the dead-eyed stare of the fiscally medicated."
• "The Top Ten Most Boring Film Titles".
  • "The Town? I mean really, The Town?!"
  • The fact that the title of The Postman allowed John Naughton to write a review under the headline "Post-Apocalyptic Pat".
• In the Early Man review, Mark notes that the football expert on the heroes' side is named Goona, a homonym of "Gooner", a nickname for fans of Arsenal FC.^note  As their name implies, Arsenal were originally the works team for the Royal Arsenal in Woolwich, and so the club themselves are nicknamed the Gunners. Cue a groan of exasperation and disgust from Simon (who supports Arsenal's North London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur).
• The entirety of his review of The Nun, from his description of the titular character ("The Nun basically does a Marilyn Manson impression, and goes 'Woo ...! Nun!'") to the succession of nun puns at the end (which he thought up during the screening to keep himself awake).
  Mark: How many stars? Nun! How many scares? Nun! How many people will see it? Nun! What's the plot like? Utter nun-sense!
• During the review of Clint Eastwood's Hereafter, to emphasise the comically stereotypical depiction of London, Mark launches into an impromptu performance of the comedy song "Arthur Daley, 'E's Alright" by The Firm, to Simon Mayo's bemusement. This went on to be a Brick Joke, with Mark performing a "Danny Dyer version" of the song, and then seven years later, during a review of Guy Ritchie's King Arthur: Legend of the Sword and Mark describing its approach of turning the Knights of the Round Table into leary Cockney stereotypes, Simon refers to the scenario as "King Arthur Daley", catching Mark so off-guard that he admits it's "the best joke in the review and it wasn't even mine".

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