Funny / Honeymoon in Vegas

• Jack has to deal with Sidney Tomashefsky, a man who fears his wife is having an affair with Mike Tyson:
  Sidney: My wife is having an affair with Mike Tyson.
  Jack: (Does a Spit Take in his coffee) Mike Tyson Mike Tyson?
  Sidney: Yea. That's her, that's Millie. (Hands Jack a picture of Millie, a fat, dowdy woman eating Doritos)
  Jack: (Pauses) Well... she's, she's a beautiful girl.
  Sidney: When I think of the two of them...
  Jack: All right, calm down. Calm down. Let's just think this through. Now my first question, obviously. You've seen them together?
  Sidney: What?
  Jack: You've seen them together? Your wife and Mr. Tyson?
  Sidney: You don't believe me, either!
  Jack: Course I believe you. I just need a place to start.
  Sidney: Everybody thinks I'm nuts. The guys at the plant, everybody. They tell me she's sneakin' with Freddy Rameriz at the Sunrise Motel. But I know it's the champ. She wouldn't cheat on a piece of shit like Freddy Rameriz. A beautiful girl like that.
  Jack: I'm sure you're right. Don't get me wrong, OK? But hey, for openers, let's say I call this Rameriz up. Make sure it's not him.
  Sidney: You're all the same. (Walks out of the office, with Jack chasing after him)
  Jack: Mr. Tomashefsky.
  Sidney: Nobody believes me.
  Jack: Don't just take off. I'm sure it's hard to talk about, I'm a good listener. Mr. Tomashefsky!
  Sidney: Leave me alone!
  • And later on, after Tommy takes Betsy to Hawaii, Jack returns to New York where he sees Sidney again, this time having "proof":
  Sidney: What'd I tell ya?
  Jack: (After looking at the picture of Sidney's "evidence", which has his wife's head photoshopped on a woman with Mike Tyson) You got this in the mail?
  Sidney: Under my door at home.
  Jack: (looks at the photo again) Mr. Tomashefsky, it's a joke. I mean it's not even close.
  Sidney: Of course you'd say that. You thought I was nuts when I come in here originally. Now, I got hard evidence.
  Jack: (Hands Sidney the photo and magnifying glass) Here, look for yourself. Believe me, I have no ax to grind here. I think some of your pals at work are having a little fun with you.
  Sidney: You don't know what it's like. You don't know what it's like to have the woman you love off with someone and YOU CAN'T DO A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT! Some smooth-talker with his greasy hands all over her. Comin' up behind, grabbin' her. Her laughin' and laughin'. (Jack at this point becomes restless and squirms) Her head thrown back. And leanin' against her. This creepy smile on his face. A smile she can't even see! (An increasingly uncomfortable Jack then looks at his photo of Betsy) Soon, he starts movin' his hands around her. Grabbing her. Touching her. Fondling her. Groping—
  Jack: SHUT UP!!! (Sidney gasps in shock) Are you trying to give me A HEART ATTACK???!!
• Betsy doesn't take the news well when Jack tells her about how much he owes Tommy in gambling debt, which makes them argue as they head into an arcade with kids. She laments about the familys, before saying outloud "I'm a whore, Jack. You've made me into a whore. You brought me into Las Vegas and you turned me INTO A WHORE, JACK!" as kids listen to her and snicker.
• When Jack arrives to Hawaii to find Betsy and Tommy, he runs into taxi driver Mahi Mahi, whose job is to keep Jack away from them. Jack's interaction with him and Chief Orman is gold.
  Jack: (after him and Mahi Mahi arrives at Chief Orman's house, a small shack) This can't be it. Tommy Korman lives here?
  Mahi Mahi: Korman? I thought you said Orman. You know, Chief Orman.
  Jack: I didn't say Chief Orman! I said Tommy Korman! Loud and clear! COME ON! I flied for two goddamn days, I haven't slept, I can barely walk!
  (Chief Orman walks out and gives a Hawaiian greeting, with Mahi Mahi repeating the greeting, with Orman giving Jack two thumbs up)
  Jack: That goes double for me, Chief. Look, there was a little mix-up here.
  (Chief Orman keeps speaking in Hawaiian language, with it appearing he's inviting them inside. Jack repeats the phrase, then he divides his attention to Mahi)
  Jack: Listen, Mahi, I don't have time for this horseshit!
  Mahi Mahi: Hey, Jack, no make insult for the Chief, okay? This man get plenty influence in this place.
  Jack: Influence? He lives in a SHACK!!!
  Mahi Mahi: He's a man of great simplicity. You spend ten minutes with the guy, OK? If you don't do that, the word gonna get around Kauai so fast, next thing you know, ain't nobody gonna help you, brudda.
  (Then it cuts to Chief Orman, Jack and Mahi Mahi in Orman's house with drinks)
  Mahi Mahi: Parakeet brandy.
  Jack: Are you serious? (All three men take a drink as Orman and Mahi exchange Hawaiian sayings)
  Chief Orman: You are from mainland?
  Jack: That's right.
  Chief Orman: Do you find Chief Orman attractive?
  Jack: (At a loss of words and briefly gives a look to Mahi) You're a striking-looking figure, if by attractive...
  Mahi Mahi: Hey, Chief. He lookin' for a man named Tommy Korman.
  Jack: If you know where he is.
  Chief Orman: Have you seen the musical Grand Hotel?
  Jack: I don't go the the theater that often.
  Chief Orman: Do you know if it will come to Kauai?
  Jack: I don't really, but I'll ask around when I get back. Now, can you tell me? Did you hear me before about Tommy Korman?
  Chief Orman: (chuckles) Chief Orman favorite of course is South Pacific.
  Jack: (pause) Everybody loves that one, Chief.
  Mahi Mahi: Oh, everybody.
  (Chief Orman then breaks into song, singing "Happy Talk" from said musical, as Jack gets agitated.)
  • And after a brief cut of Tommy taking Betsy to the Kauai club, it cuts back to Orman still singing songs from South Pacific, to Jack, who's getting increasingly annoyed)
  Jack: (To Mahi) Where's the bathroom?
  Mahi Mahi: Over there.
  Jack: I gotta get OUTTA HERE!!! (He walks out of the house)
  Mahi Mahi: Okay!
  (It cuts to both Jack and Mahi leaving Orman's house)
  Mahi Mahi: He getting senile. He used to do only one number.
  Jack: Get me to a phone.
  Mahi Mahi: Now?
  Jack: Right now! You have a problem with that?
  Mahi Mahi: No, no. just on this island, there are so many beautiful things to see.
  Jack: Really?
  Mahi Mahi: Yeah. We got the five reflecting pools of Maoona.
  Jack: (in sarcastic excitement) The five pools are here?!
  Mahi Mahi: Yeah! Come, we go.
  Jack: What are we waiting for, the five pools- oh shit.
  Mahi Mahi: What, what?
  Jack: My keys must have fallen out while I was in the bathroom. Listen, could you do me a monster favor?
  Mahi Mahi: No worry, I'll get 'em.
  Jack: You're the best. Everybody is so friendly.
  (Mahi goes back into Orman's house to find the keys as Jack hurries into the taxi car ad drives off)