Funny / Hitman: Absolution

Just so you know, this isn't a fan mod.

• At the end of the orphanage mission there's a cutscene where 47 points whatever weapon he's holding against Lenny. The funny thing? He can point him with his fiber wire, a robot toy or even a book! And if you keep the priest suit while holding a book? You get this result.
• The Chef's rant in the beginning of Absolution. As if hearing him boast about his cooking skills isn't hilarious enough, putting him to sleep shortly afterwards could make you lose your concentration from laughing so hard.
• Lenny's gang is absolutely devoted to him to the point where their claims are hilarious, especially when considering the guy himself.
  Lenny killed 15 people during that raid, do you really think he wants spicy sauce?!
• If your sense of humor is particularly dark, there's Prostate Cancer Guy (see the Memetic Mutation entry in the YMMV section).
  • Which can lead to this (paraphrased):
    Guard: (After hearing that he doesn't have cancer) "Woah, man! No one can piss on this day!"
    (cue Destination Defenestration)
• Also, the court scene with the obvious schizophrenic guy and the prosecutor trying to get the judge to commit the man already. If you disguise 47 as the judge you get to pass judgement on him, 47 dismisses the case causing the man to start dancing around the court while the prosecutor exclaims "What the hell was that shit!?"
• While in the cornfield with the Saints trying to kill you, one of them goes on a rant about how 47 is completely surrounded and is doomed... and you can garrote her while she's saying this.
  • You can also kill the leader of the Saints by sniping a crane holding corn when she walks under it. The funny part is that she screams likes a little girl as it falls on her.
• During the bar sequence, you can knock someone out. But instead of your cover being blown, it starts a barfight. The icing on the cake is a guy screaming "BARFIGHT!" into the camera before being socked in the face.
• After 47 gets captured in the basement of the police station, Dexter and Skurky interrogate him on the whereabouts of Lenny. After 47 headbutts him in response, Dexter starts hitting 47 with the first object within reach; it's not until a few slaps later that he realizes - to his shock and disgust - that it's actually one of Skurky's sex-toys.
• Disposing of Lenny. You can leave him to die of thirst, shoot him, shoot the explosives cache next to him and watch him fly away in slow motion... or spare him and shoot the vultures gathering nearby instead— which will cause an ice-cream van to appear out of nowhere and slam into him at high speed, flinging his body into the air.
  • Most of the target's dialogue falls under this heading, too, especially around the point that Lenny gets desperate enough to offer you a reacharound.
• "Travis to Praetorians: we are on high alert. Dig in and shoot anyone who approaches. We are the best, and now is the time to prove it!" If you time it right and shoot well enough, all the elite, unstoppable "best" will be dead by the time Travis has spoken the last two words. Doubles as a CMOA, natch, but it's kind funny hearing him boast and bluster into a dead radio...
  • Every single point in which Lenny gets a Hope Spot: first, he finds some cover behind the stagecoach and opens fire with a derringer, all the while gloating that you're nowhere near as brave as him; not only do all his shots miss, but you can easily just walk up and take the gun off him, changing his tune magnificently. Secondly, if you chase him around long enough, he'll actually manage to limp over to 47's car... only to find that the door is locked and the keys are not in the ignition, much to Lenny's hysterical frustration. Thirdly, he finds a tomahawk embedded in a tree just a few yards away, but it's embedded too deeply for him to retrieve it even after several minutes of straining; hilariously, you can retrieve the tomahawk yourself very easily- and hack him to death with it. Fourthly, you can shoot the vultures instead of him, resulting in the aforementioned killer ice-cream van. And finally, you can just get in the car and drive away; cue panic attack as Lenny realizes that he's just been trapped in the middle of the desert, without food, water, a shirt, or a signal to his phone. For extra fun, remember that he'd been begging 47 to drive away prior to this point.
  • Even better, if you decide to play around a bit and throw all of the bones into the shallow grave, a little tune starts and everything speeds up. Add it to any of your favorite methods and watch hilarity ensue.
  • The mission where you capture Lenny has quite possibly the single funniest way of getting silent assassin in the game. Start off the mission by rigging the fuse box outside, then get inside the house by jumping up to the window. Once in there, quickly shot out the far chandelier to kill one of the targets (who was helpfully watching porn under it.) Now sneak over to the front door to get the barbers disguise and talk to Lenny who will go over to a chair to get a haircut where you can take him out. "But wait, what about the other target?" Well, it turns out that the other guy decided that instead of just going inside to use the bathroom, that the sparking and hissing live electric wire looked like a good place to take a piss, and kills himself. This also doubles as a CMOA, as the whole thing can potentially take under 5 minutes.
• An Uncomfortable Elevator Moment between 47 and a hyperactive sushi deliveryman.
  • Made even better when you notice that 47 appears to actually take a step away from the dude!
• One of the many, many ways of assassinating Layla Stockton is the "Savage Sushi" challenge, where 47 steals U'wa Tribe Poison from Dexter's armoury and apply some to her sushi. However, instead of causing immediate death like most poisons in the Hitman series, this particular toxin causes hallucinations first, leading the target to wander out onto the balcony, disoriented and giggling at visions of ladybugs gathering above her head. The whole thing ends with Layla, having decided that she has wings of her own, taking a flying leap to her death.
  • Best of all? Instinct mode allows you to see the ladybugs.
• Diguising yourself as a scarecrow allows you to prove just how good 47 is at impersonating inanimate objects; not only are the guards fooled, but so are the crows - which actually use you as a perch as time goes on.
• The Karmic Death of Doctor Valentine; as well as being an amoral weapons designer for Dexter Industries, the guy's currently using the labs to formulate a cure for his baldness... and it's possible to spike the prototype hair tonic with another substance being developed at the same lab: fire paste. Long story short, Valentine decides to test the sabotaged tonic on himself; he has just enough time to to exclaim that it seems to be working before his head spontaneously combusts. Now on fire, he dashes clean through the door, bumps into the railing and falls thirty feet to his death.
• In the "Shangri-La" portion of the "Run For Your Life" mission, you can find a dance floor with music equipment in one of the rooms. If you walk up to the synthesizer, a button denoting "HIDE" will show up. Press the button, and watch as 47 starts getting down with his bad self. Again, keeping a straight face.
• A number of conversations are hilarious.
  • Take this one for example:
    Cop 1 (All of them are watching a porno): The things that people do to get on camera these days.
    Cop 2: Yeah. Hey, you know what we should do? Stop watching. Just stop.
    Cop 3: Hey, you're right! we could start a, what's it called, a domino effect. We owe it to the youth of America.
    Cop 1: Yep, we should just stop.
    Cop 1: Man I love this part of the show!
  • Or this:
    Hotel Clerk (In the single most Camp Gay voice humanly possible): Have you seen those steel monkeys carrying around enough guns to start World War Three? And you're asking me if I'd rather be outside in the rain? Uh, hell yes!
    Cop: Woah, okay okay, chill out.
    Hotel Clerk: Don't you tell me to calm down! I know my rights, and I'm sitting here with people bitching at me about not being able to get into their homes!
    Cop: You must really love your job.
    Hotel Clerk: Oh don't get me started.
    Cop: I think I just did.
  • Or even this:
    Scientist 1: Did you hear? Steve got clearance to the Omega Facility.
    Scientist 2: Really? Is that what they're calling it? Sounds like a trashy airport novel.
    Scientist 2: Wait, I can see it now. [does his best announcer impression] When a CIA agent is found dead on a pier, renegade journalist Jack Benson returns to face his personal demons and uncovers a secret file that reveals that shadowy government organization only known as... The Omega Facility!
  • There's another one in the gunstore where the guys inside are talking about the crazy guy shooting garden gnomes with a shotgun and how he is constantly swearing. They both conclude that he's trying to come off as cool, but just sounds stupid and immature, because nobody actually talks like that in real life.
    • This actually delves into Hypocritical Humor:
      Clerk: "No one talks like that in real life!"
      Patron: "Yeah. So when in the hootenanny are you getting more ammo?"
      Clerk: "In a week or two, and that's true!"
• One way to deal with Bill in the Chinese New Year part of "Hunter and Hunted" is to steal Birdie's file. The reason? A crooked cop is trying to sell it to Bill, and when they go to look at it and it's gone, Bill assumes it's a setup - and pulls his gun on a police officer. Needless to say, he doesn't survive. Always fun when someone else does your dirty work, isn't it?

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