Funny / Hawaii Five-0

• Danny's famous nickname from the old series, Danno, is an Embarrassing Nickname in this continuity from his daughter when she was three. Steve's response with his usual seriousness is that it's cute, causing Danny to throw a hissy fit due to their early rivalry and telling him to never tell it to anyone.
  • Steve's stopped Victor in the first episode, and Danny's got one surviving perp cuffed. When he asks Steve what to do with the guy, Steve belts off a certain line and gives a shit-eating grin afterwards...
  Steve: Book 'em, Danno!
  Danny: (Beat) What'd I tell you about that?
• The Not So Remote gag where Danny and Grace have a private camping trip... in Danny's living room.
• The lift scene from "Ohana".
• When investigating the disappearance of an ambassador's daughters, they find a guy who roofied them and catch him put a roofie on another girl's drink, so they have the girl leave and force the guy to drink the drugged drink. He falls asleep, is taken to the station... and they wake him up with an air horn.
• In season 2, McGarrett visits Danny in his new apartment (which looks like a prison cell and has no windows) while Danny is watching the movie Enemy Mine. McGarrett is horrified by the scene unfolding in the movie while Danny gets misty eyed and sentimental.
  McGarrett: That's DISGUSTING!
• "Ma Ke Kahakai": Five-0's investigation leads them to Masaharu Morimoto's restaurant... and Morimoto himself is there, SINGING KARAOKE.
• Masi Oka's character meets Greg Grunberg's:
  Max: Don't I know you from somwhere?
• In "Ike Maka", Chin Ho uses a Benelli M1 to knock on the window of a muscle bait car used to take down a couple of carjackers.
  Chin Ho: License and registration, please.
• Anything involving McGarrett and Danny.
• Danny ends up clashing with an arrogant IA officer named Cage, who is convinced that Danny's recently deceased partner was dirty. At one point, Steve suggests that Cage may have found a leak, which leads to this gem:
  Danny: Cage couldn't find a leak if someone was taking one on his face!
• Danny to Steve: "Why do you do that? You're like a devourer of dreams. You eat them, like a little Pac-Man in cargo pants!"
  • Or any time he starts ranting about Steve's cargo pants.
• The fact alone that the word "classified" is a major Berserk Button for Danny.
  Danny: Alright, so, what's up? You get a chance to interrogate Wo Fat yet?
  Steve: Sorry, Danny, that's classified.
  Danny: It's classified? Is that a joke? Are you kidding me?
  Steve: No, I'm not kidding.
  Danny: Okay, well, when are you bringing him back?
  Steve: I can't tell you that either. Danny, I can't tell you these things over an unsecured line. You understand. It's a security issue.
  Danny: Okay, you know what I think? I think that you think, that saying stuff like that is cool. It's not cool. It's actually the opposite.
  Steve: Danny—
  Danny: Know what? Forget it. I don't care where you go. Well, no, I care. I'm just gonna find out myself, okay. I will track your plane.
  Steve: No you won't. We're coming in dark.
  Danny: (Beat) Dark, huh?
  Steve: Yes, dark. As in off the radar. Dark.
  Danny: I, I know what "dark" means, okay? Is that really necessary, though?
  Steve: That's protocol, Danny. I'm sorry, but I can't answer your questions right now, okay? Gotta go, all right?
  Danny: I got an easy one. What are you wearing? You know what? Don't answer. I'm sure it's top secret, so I will take a guess. (pretends to think hard) Cargo pants!
  Steve: Goodbye, Daniel.
  • The fact that Steve smiles throughout the whole conversation, almost provoking a rant after weeks of being away and worrying his partner makes the whole thing into a Heartwarming Moment, McGarrett/Danno style.
• The whole "Sexy Eyes" conversation:
  ("Sexy Eyes" comes on the radio)
  (beat)
  Danny: Are you serious?
  Steve: What?
  Danny: You're not gonna do something about this, you're not gonna do change this?
  Steve: What's wrong with this?
  Danny: You're going to leave this, you’re not going to do something about this?
  Steve: It's OK.
  Danny: It's OK? I know you have been trained to endure torture... but this, this is unbearable! This is not right. Songs this bad make stable people wanna kill other people! You understand?
  (Danny turns it off; Steve looks at Danny with the most hilarious facial expression)
  Steve: I think it's kinda catchy. (turns it back on)
  Danny: (twitches)
• In the Pilot, Danny is ranting at Steve about getting him shot:
  Danny When you get somebody shot, you apologise!
  Steve I'm sorry.
  Danny: You don't wait for a special occasion!
  Steve: I'm sorry.
  Danny: Birthdays, or friggin' President's Day!
  Steve: I am sorry,; OK? I said I am sorry, I am sincerely sorry, that is what I have been trying to tell you since last year. When this conversation started.
  Danny: Your apology is noted. Acceptance is pending.
• Danny mocks the idea that spirits are going to punish him for entering a sacred area. Gilligan Cut to a huge rock smashed through the windshield of the Camaro, and Steve with an "I told you so" expression.
• Steve rides a motorbike up a flight of steps to crash into a gang's club:
  Danny: I have a number of a therapist to give you, OK? Walk up steps like a human.
• Similarly, after Steve blows open a door with a hand grenade:
  Danny: You need help. I will pay for it.
• About Steve's Drives Like Crazy tendencies:
  Danny: Please don’t do that.
  Steve: What?
  Danny: Please don’t put both hands on the wheel. Every time you do that something terrible happens, and I have to pray. Wait, wait. (puts on seatbelt) Okay. (Steve drives through a gate)
• Danny is trying to be sympathetic towards a criminal to convince him to let go of his hostage:
  Steve: What are you doing?
  Danny: What?
  Steve: What are you doing, the guy's clearly a psychopath, you're trying to make friends with him? You're trying to connect?
  Danny: He's standing right here in front of us!
  Steve: Danny you're a cop, not a therapist.
  Danny: Hey, hey I've been trained for this kind of thing okay!
  Steve: What, to bore people into submission?
  Danny: (to the criminal) Don't listen to him okay, his idea of communication is he drops a witty one-liner and shoots you in the face!
  Steve: You know what maybe I should just shoot this guy now so he doesn’t have to listen to you talk!
• Danny is complaining about having to ride a horse to get to the bad guy's place because an ATV would be too loud:
  Danny: This is the only way in? On an animal? We couldn't have gotten an ATV or a gold cart—?
  Steve: An A- Did you say ATV?
  Danny: I did.
  Steve: They wouldn't hear an ATV from a mile away, would they, Danny? But you know what? Your whining is probably louder than an ATV.
  Danny: My-my whining—?
  Steve: You're whining.
  Lori: How long have you two been married?
• Steve's car breaks down:
  Steve: Would you like to steer?
  Danny: Do I wanna steer? No. No, I wanna to continue to push this three ton hunk of metal, up a hill, in 95 degree weather! That's what I wanna do. Yes, I would like to steer, thank you.
• Bickering again:
  Steve: Do you realize how much of your life revolves around food?
  Danny: Do you realize how much of your life revolves around armed conflict?
• And again...
  Danny: Okay, let’s say I am you, and you are the bad guy here. I would know that all the ways onto the ship are visible somehow. So, how would you outsmart yourself and get yourself onto that ship without yourself seeing yourself?
  Steve: okay, was that an actual question, or were you just throwing words together and hoping they made sense?
• A last one for the road...
  Danny: First you have to seek to understand before you can be enlightened.
  Steve: I will literally pay you cash to stop talking.
• Kamekona and Sang Min go undercover. Hilarity Ensues.
• Kamekona's Halloween costume.
• Max's reasoning with Sabrina (the bank teller) on why he's coming to deposit directly instead of a direct deposit.
• Steve and Kono chasing Makani Jacobs, who originally had a hula skirt until the former tore it off. Guess what follows? The sequence is notable for its elaborate use of foreground objects to avoid unwanted exposure. What's even funnier is Kono trying to get out of restraining the suspect since he's naked.
• "Who wants to learn how to remove a bullet from a gunshot wound?"
  • "I'm gonna teach these girls how to kill and gut a pig tonight, Danny. That's survival." "That's actually a horror film."
• Any scene with Kamekona and Grace together is pretty hilarious, but the dietary scolding that Kamekona receives from Gracie in "Ua Hiki Mai Kapalena" ranks as one of the best. And it's very obvious that Danny desperately wants the chicken, too.
  Kamekona: You know, Gracie, when I was a little keiki like you, my momma used to bring me this chicken. Every time I was sick.
  Grace: Fried chicken isn't good for you. It has cholesterol and causes heart disease.
  Kamekona: Nah, a little bit of grease is good for you. Helps the inside stay lubricated.
• In the cold opening of "Guardian", a car jacker makes the mistake of trying to rob Steve at gun point. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
  Duke: (smirking) Looks like somebody made Santa's naughty list.
  Steve: Genius tried to carjack me.
  Duke: (chuckling) You sure picked the wrong car, bruddah.
  Carjacker: Crazy man ripped out my nose ring.
  Duke: (to Steve) Make sure you put that in evidence.
  Steve: Absolutely.
  • Also, a blink and you'll miss it moment in "Guardian". Chin and Danny drive to Chin's uncle's place to inquire about Moonshine. When they walk up to the house they pass a few chickens. Danny takes one look at them getting out of his way and goes "Excause me." Completely straight faced.
• Another cold open begins with Steve and Danny chasing a suspect in a tiny yellow tourist moped. Much like the audience, Danny's first words are wondering why they are chasing the suspect in a clown car.
  Steve: I keep telling you, if you don't like my driving you can always get out of the car!
  Danny: I would but there are no doors.
• Catherine calls McGarrett and Danno's trip to the football game a "man-date" and Kamekona tagging along a "bromance".
• Danny gets upset when McGarrett changes his catchphrase.
  McGarrett: Book 'em, Kono.
  Danny: Oh, where's the love?
• This bit from ""Na hala a ka makua" when Roy Parrish tries to carjack someone's sedan after stealing the Five-0 badge.
  Civilian: (After seeing Roy in prison clothes) Wait. Are you... even a cop?
  Roy: No. But, uh, (Points to the Camaro behind him) they are. (McGarrett and Danno show the civilian their cuffed wrists)
  Roy: What size pants do you wear? Like 34?
• Steve and Danny go to therapy. Hilarity Ensues.
  • It shows up again in "Kuka'awale".
• Kono's refusal to wear a bikini to hunt down robbery suspects, who are also female and hang out on beaches. The alternative is for Grover to be wearing a Speedo.
• Kono in "Hoʻomaʻike" teases Grover for his refusal to watch horror movies. He insists that if he's in a horror situation, he'd just use his pistol at the monster.
  • When Danno shakes his head at Jerry to not tell the prosecutor what he knows about Farrow, he proceeds to talk about Area 52 just to throw off her suspicion of him.
• Everything in "Ina Paha" from a Hawaii-loving Danno, a homeless Jerry to a convict Kamekona (who is only persuaded to help if he gets deliveries of free shrimp for the prison kitchen, so that he can make proper meals for the inmates).
• In "Uaʻaihue", Morimoto doesn't want to train Kamekona to cook until he was told that the latter is competing in a contest against Sam Choy. Morimoto then agrees to help him in order to defeat Choy. He later reinforces it by using Sansho in Choy's dish.
  • Grover arresting the ringleader of the crew.
  Grover: You're under arrest for attempted murder, armed robbery and a whole bunch of other stuff.
• Grover's realization that Joe was the one who made Steve the awesome guy that he is in "La Po'ino".
  Grover: You weren't really born a crazy son of a bitch. This is the guy that taught you.
• Grover getting nervous over Michelle Wie at the start of "Nanahu".
• The entirety of Kuka'awale aka the Stakeout episode. Not only is it the most Ship Tease-tastic episode since the 100th episode, it is also all around comedy. Just Steve and Danny on a stakeout together should tell you all there is to know about it.
  • Special mention goes to Steve getting them confused for a married gay couple, all while carrying Mr. Pickles around like a baby. He literally has that cat on his arm for five minutes; the way he strokes its fur while saying that he and Danny "want to keep a low profile" is very suggestive in and of it self.
• Spring Break opens a whole new series of worries for Papa Wolf and Honorary Uncle:
  Steve: Promise me one thing buddy. Gracie will get her college degree online.
  Danny: Done.
• In the sneak peek for "Ka 'alapahi nui", McGarrett interrogates a man who knows about a hijacker simply known as "Iceman", and McGarrett thinks of the movie Top Gun, in which the man says, "What's Top Gun?" McGarrett then says, "Did he just say, 'What's Top Gun?' I should have him arrested just for that."
• The look on Steve's face when Danny answers the door of his hotel room handcuffed to Lori in "Alaheo Pau'ole".
• The "Kuleana" subplot features Steve and Danny going to a therapy session. Steve accidentally signed up for couples' therapy.
• Aunt Deb driving Steve's pickup. He isn't too happy and is struggling to avoid barfing.
• From "Hoa 'Inea", some of the guys bad Valentine's Day.
  • Grover somehow managed to forget Valentine's Day and his wife easily sees through his pathetic attempts at a last-minute "romantic gift."
  • Even better, it’s reveal that Chin and Steve were able to get last minute dates at Morimoto’s while Grover couldn’t, making you wonder if Morimoto was punishing Grover for forgetting Valentines.
  • Chin being locked out of his hotel room and being forced to go down to the lobby in nothing but a towel. Which is made even more awkward when he runs into Duke and his wife.
  • For some reason, Steve has a black eye. After several debating over how he got it, he finally reveals how he got it: after making up with Lyn, she treated him to a striptease and accidentally threw her heel into his face.
  Danny: ...Seriously? That's it?
  Steve: Have you even seen those things? They're like huge wedges.
• Anything involving Kono and Hirsch.
• Steve, Danny and an MI-6 agent are interrogating a terrorist suspect at a posh party, demanding to know who he sold a diamond to. "I sense there's an "or" coming," the man notes. Gilligan Cut to the man hanging upside down off a ledge by Steve and the agent. Danny is simply leaning by, munching on lobster with Steve asking for a bite and letting go of one of the guy's legs, forcing the MI-6 agent to hold him on his own.
• Jerry finally meets his match when he's looking for a new roommate who answered "false" on the form Jerry had about "Did the moon landing happen?" The man explains that he believes this entire reality is nothing but a virtual reality simulation. Even Jerry just gives a "wow, you're nuts" look at that.
• In Season 8, the Five 0 is working with a dog to stop a cocaine op. Grover is initially not so friendly with the dog and demands it stay away. Once the bust is successful, Grover’s personality does a complete 180 and he’s starts petting the dog like crazy.
• In I ka wa ma mua, I ka wa ma hope, the team gets stuck in an isolation ward, with a bomb on the door. Oh, and Danny's been shot. The bomb-squad guy says it's too-dangerous to try and walk 5-O through defusing the motion-activated trigger. Grover, who is on the outside, points out that real danger is Steve, desperate and without a plan, on the other side of the door. Because whatever he does come up with is going to be insane.
  • Due to the time sensitivity of Danny's injuries, the bomb-squad guy himself comes up with an insane plan of how own. Grover's reaction is pure gold:
    Grover: Are you related to McGarrett or something? This is something that he would come up with!
• Steve's Insane Troll Logic at the end of "Oni kalalea ke ku a ka la'au loa" that Santa going inside Danno's house to get cookie can be arrested for a home invasion.
• Steve and Grover are driving to arrest a crime boss with Eddie the dog in the backseat and this conversation takes place:
  Grover: (glances over and does a double take when he realizes that Eddie is staring at him) What's with the stink eye Eddie? I thought I was your Uncle Lou? (Turns to Steve) Hey man, why he looking at me like I'm the vet or something?
  Steve: You're sitting in his seat.
  Eddie: (Growls quietly)
• Danny decides to seek aid for the resturant he and Steve are opening by getting an old buddy from Jersey to look it over. The man talks of how the tricky part is going to be hiding evidence from "the arson investigator" and they realize he's under the impression they want him to ruin the place for the insurance. "You guys want to make money on this, right?"
• Tany and Junior go undercover as a married couple to investigate the murder of a teacher at a private school. Tany is upset as "I'm too young to be a mom!"
  • The duo fake various photos that Eric can photoshop into vacation and family pictures.
  Eric: Come on, closer! You're in love!
  Tany: We're not in love, we're married.
• In "Holapu Ke Ahi, Koe Iho Ka Lehu", most of the team decides to go for dying in a nuke missile strike during a simulated BMD attack on Honolulu.
• Our old buddy Gerard Hirsch drops by to help Grover with a case involving stolen paintings. He claims he and Kono are "texting every day." He then admits it's more "I text her and she never answers back."
• Grover sarcastically suggests he and Tany do crime scenes while Hirsch and Kamekona solve the crimes. Cue Imagine Spot of the two in a huge gunfight as "Bad Boys" plays in the background.
• Steve uses Grover's family van to smash an enemy truck. Danny has to laugh on how Grover is finally getting a taste of what Steve has done as Grover groans over how his wife is going to kill him.
  Steve: Come on, an hour at the body shop, it's good as new! (he smacks the hood of the van, causing the entire front part to fall off)
  Grover: I can't go home. I'm gonna have to move in with you. And when I'm sitting in my drawers, eating cereal, then you can laugh about this!
• A massive heat wave is hitting the island, leading to some wild antics. Junior and Tany have their car stolen and Tany outraged at Junior wanting to walk back. "Who wants to exercise in this heat?" Gilligan Cut to Grover enjoying the fact he's the only one on the golf course and his poor caddy not believing someone is golfing in 105 degrees.
  • When the caddy collapses, Grover is more concerned he make a shot to make par.
  • Kamekona decides to take advantage of the heat to charge people three times more than the regular cost for water and icy drinks. Steve and Danny find them by their van, which was overturned by an angry mob. Steve and Danny openly ask Kamekona how "you didn't see this coming?"
• On Halloween, Jerry has gotten his quirky friends to search for a long-missing body. Noelani shows up dressed like Velma from Scooby-Doo. Jerry wants to know why she's dressed like Sadness from Inside Out.
• When an investigation involves a pack of paintings, the gang know there's only one person to talk to: Gerald Hirsch. He starts going on about how they've found the lair of a legendary renegade artist and honestly stunned they have absolutely no idea who he's talking about.
• Jerry tells Adam that someone needs his help and he "thinks she's supposed to be somewhere else" as he nods to a woman in his office in a full wedding gown.
• Noelani is kidnapped by gangsters as they also hold her mentor, Dr. Chu. They want them to work on a wounded criminal and Chu wants Noelania's help.
  Noelani: You know I only work on dead people now, right?
• Steve ruins a blind date by talking about how Jerry was recently shot. It just goes downhill from there.
  • Danny calls to check on the date and complains about "do you have any game at all?" Steve then compares his relationship to Danny as like a "marriage."
• The 10th season premiere has a Leaning on the Fourth Wall moment when Danny chastises Steve for missing a jump with "ten years ago, you'd have made that, you're not getting younger."
• Seeing Quinn patching up a minor bullet wound like it's no big deal, Danny asks "are you sure you and Steve aren't related?"
• Quinn is driving with Steve and complaining about "can't this go faster?" Steve just stares in surprise as "I've never heard that before."
• Jerry announces he's leaving to finally work on his dream book about "The connection between the Federal Reserve and the sinking of the Titanic. Note the Federal Reserve was created a year and a half after the Titanic sunk.
• Adam talks of the conspiracy theory that the military shot down an airliner in 1983 and may have sent someone to the wreck to recover the evidence.
  Grover: You look different, Jerry. Shave your beard?
• Danny tries to help Steve get a date at a dog park by getting Steve's dog, Eddie to get with the dog of a pretty lady. Cue a lot of howls and barks and a trip to the vet.
  • Where Danny does tries to push Steve onto the female vet.
• Tani and Quinn have to babysit two You Tube video goofs on a case which goes as well as one might expect.
  Quinn: You are free to watch and take notes but keep the DVD commentary to a minimum.
  Tani: Who watches DVDs?
• The crossover with Magnum, P.I. (2018) provides some great laughs.
  • Higgins is crisp as ever.
  Higgins: I’m so sorry but I’m not sure that we’re going to be inclined to indulge this rather brusque inquiry.
  Quinn: Wow, you're very English.
  • The team is truly impressed by Higgins' past as a former MI-6 agent.
  Steve: I like this one.
  • Magnum puts down the team's high tech center.
  Magnum: These fancy computers can’t compete with strong intuition.
  Higgins: He’s just trying to impress you. Every opportunity he gets, he asks me to reach for my laptop in search of a break.
  • Magnum is quite annoyed Steve is driving his Ferrari.
  Steve: I like to drive, that’s all.
  Magnum: I’m sure your partner loves that.
  Steve: He’s fine with it.
  Magnum: I have a sneaking suspicion he’s not.
  • Rick and TC gush over what a "legend" Steve is with Magnum complaining "you have never driven this slow before, TC."
  • Steve refuses to believe he and Danny bicker as much as Magnum and Higgins with the rest of the team smirking.
  • When the team is stumped on a clue, Higgins makes a call to an old contact with Magnum smirking "here we go..."
  Magnum: Am I the only one here who doesn't speak Chinese?
  • Tahani and Higgins bond.
  Tahani: Come on, spill the tea.
  Higgins: "Spill the tea?" Is that because I'm British?
• The return of the team's old MI-6 buddy Harry Langford who reveals that, in just two weeks, he wrote a book that's already gotten him a million-dollar deal. However, because of his top-secret past, he has to have a young man pose as him, giving advice via earpiece with Danny and Steve just amused watching it all.
  • When the actor is kidnapped, Harry has to give him access to his account with his log-in name being "Harry L1" and the password "Lan6d0n." Tani points out "for a spy, you really should have a stronger password."
  • After giving his money to a guy in the Cayman Islands, Langdon calls up an old flame, an attractive thief, to get it back. She then informs Langdon that she's keeping the whole $10 million for herself and "you really should have called me back." Tani and Junior just give Langdon smirks as he shrugs it off.
• In another Valentine's Day episode, Danny and Steve stuck sharing the same hotel together.
  • Also Kono gets stuck working with a self proclaimed motivational worker who helps men to get dates that starts flriting with her. You could tell she was dying to pull the "I'm married" card.