Funny / Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and Damned

• In an Internal Homage to a similar mission in San Andreas, one of the random character missions has Johnny stumbling onto Dave Grossman, one of The Lost's part-time applicants, outside the law firm where Dave works. Dave has stumbled onto some legal trouble, and he needs Johnny to bail him out. How does Johnny respond to this daunting and morally reprehensible task?
  Dave: I'm a lawyer, and I'm getting ass-raped by the law! Can you imagine what that feels like?
  Johnny: Mercifully not.
  Dave: Look, all I need for you is to intimidate her lawyer. Just make him get her to back down, man.
  Johnny: So you want me to go put the fear of the The Lord in a lawyer? And you're gonna pay me for it? Shit, Dave, why didn't you say so in the first place?
  Dave: Solid, man.
• The entirety of Roman's kidnapping.
  Johnny: How come all the Slavs in this city wear shitty tracksuits, man?
  Roman: (muffled because he's speaking through a gag) Please! Please! I'll pay you anything!
  Johnny: I think he's trying to say something, Malc.
  Roman: I can get money, I promise.
  Malc: I don't know. I ain't hearing shit.
  Roman: Okay, okay. My cousin, he has money. He will pay you.
  Malc: Oh I get it. I think the man's trying to give us some money. We let him go and he'll come back with a bag full of unmarked 20, right?
  Roman: Yes! Yes! Exactly! Exactly!
  Johnny: you mean, he's like trying to bribe us?
  Roman: Yeah!
  Johnny: I hope he know that you and me are men of integrity, Malc. And that we'd find something like that real insulting.
  Roman: (Crying)
  Malc: Did you mean to insult us, Mr. Roman Bellic? I sure hope not.
  Roman: HELP! HELP!
  • Then Johnny and Malc decides to take it even further by scaring Roman to death along the way.
  Johnny: Malc, tell this gentleman what my kind of people do to guys who try to buy their way out.
  Malc: Just you know who you're dealing with, Mr. Bellic. This is one screwed up dumb redneck motherfucker. Hey now listen, I do mean motherfucker in the most literal sense. Serious incest motherfucker. Fucking you up the ass with a Barbwire dick would be a pleasure for this man. Yeah, this biker dude is twisted is all hell, man. By the way, how many guys you killed, son?
  Johnny: You mean, like, this year, or in my whole career?
• Johnny's random banter while wandering around the city:
  When jacking a car: "Time to start car shoppin'!" "If you would be so kind, sir."
  Running over a pedestrian: "That's gonna come back to bite me on the ass, karmicly speakin'." "IT'S NOT YOUR DAY!"
  Shooting someone: "When words just aren't enough..."
  When his car dies: "C'mon, start for Johnny." (Apparently directed at the player): "Good for you. You wrecked it."
  Pointing a gun at someone: "How's your day goin'?"
  After a random act of violence: "What is wrong with me!?"
• Johnny's first conversation with Leavis, the maître d' of Jousters gentlemen club:
  Leavis: (as Johnny walks in) Do you have an appointment?
  Johnny: Uhhh... no. I thought I would inquire about a membership.
  Leavis: (aghast) Excuse me?!
  Johnny: Yeah. Under this ravaged, drug-addled exterior lies the heart of a reactionary prick, so I thought I would fit right in here!
  Leavis: I think you should leave, sir. Before I call the police.
  Johnny: (mocking Leavis) "I think you should leave, sir. Before I..." (back to his normal voice) Dude! It is the 21st century! Lemme tell ya somethin'. You've got a job, wiping rich pricks' asses and for some reason... you seem a little pleased with yourself.
  Leavis: (agitated) Will you leave?!
  Johnny: Trust me, man. Nothing would please me more, but I'm supposed to see Tom Stubbs and well... he said to meet him here.
  Leavis: (becomes more accommodating) Oh, Mr. Stubbs, sir. Okay, you only had to say so, sir. Follow me, will you? Mr. Stubbs is in the day spa, receiving some back work. (leads Johnny to Congressman Stubbs)
  Johnny: Right you are.

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