Funny / George Carlin

• Most people don't want prisons built in their neighborhoods because they're worried about what might happen if one of the prisoners escaped. George points out the Fridge Logic of this.
  "What do you think they're gonna do, hang around?! Check real estate trends?! Bullshit, they're fucking gone! That's the whole idea of breaking out of prison it's to get the fuck as far away as you possibly can"
• This suggestion in his book Brain Droppings for an interesting activity to try when you're bored.
  "First, get a taxi cab, hand the driver fifty dollars through the window, and tell him, "Go to the airport and wait for me there." Then, as soon as he drives off, get a second cab immediately, hand that driver fifty dollars, and tell him, "Follow that cab, and under no circumstances allow it to get to the airport!" Then, when he drives off, get a third cab. Get inside this one, hand the driver fifty dollars and say, "Follow those two cabs." When you're about halfway to the airport, take out a gun and start shooting at the first two cabs. Yell, "HI-YO, SILVER!" a lot."
• His rant about stuff. And where you take YOUR STUFF and leave YOUR STUFF.
• His "cheer":
  "Ratshit, batshit, dirty old twat!
  Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot!
  Hoorayyy... Lizardshit... Fuck!"
  • Followed by his immediate deconstruction of the cheer.
    "'Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot!' ...I don't know what that means, either."
• From Carlin on Campus:
  Think for a moment about the concept of the flamethrower. Okay? The flamethrower. Because we have them. Well, we don't have them, the army has them. That's right. We don't have any flamethrowers. I'd say we're fucked if we have to go up against the army, wouldn't you? But we have flamethrowers. And what this indicates to me, it means that at some point, some person said to himself, "Gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there. But I'm way too far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them." Well, it might have ended right there, but he mentioned it to his friend. His friend who was good with tools. And about a month later, he was back. "Hey, quite a concept!" WHHOOOOOOOOSSHHH! And of course the army heard about it, and they came around. "We'd like to buy about five hundred-thousand of them please. We have some people we'd like to throw flame on. Give us five hundred thousand and paint them dark brown. We don't want anyone to see them."
  • He moves on to talking about driving
    "Have you ever noticed when you're driving that anyone going slower than you is an idiot? And anyone going faster than you is a MANIAC! It's a miracle we get anywhere at all with all the idiots and maniacs there are!"
    • Then:
      "There's nobody going my speed! If there is, I slow the fuck down, and keep an eye on that motherfucker!"
  • The meditation on the moment of silence.
    How about a moment of screaming? These people are dead, you know, AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! How about a moment of muffled conversation, for those who were treated and released?
  • His "prayer" bits from Carlin on Campus:
  Carlin: But we do still have time for a quick "Hail Mary."
  Guy In The Audience: Hail Mary!
  Carlin: Not quite that quick, sir.
  Carlin: Please God, let me do a good show tonight. Don't let me be an asshole. Don't let anyone yell 'too late'." [someone in the audience yells out 'too late'.] And punish those who do.
• Discussing how people pretty up their words with unneeded additions, such as "emergency situation" ("everything is a situation!") and the use of the prefix "pre-", culminating with "You know what I say to these people? Pre-suck my genital situation! And they seem to understand what I'm talking about."
• "Have you ever thought about the world's worst doctor? Process of elimination, somewhere out there is the world's worst doctor. And someone has an appointment with him tomorrow!"
• In It's Bad For Ya, his impatience with people who can't stop talking.
  Carlin: (pretending to be on the phone) You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!
• Carlin's reducing the Ten Commandments to the Two Commandments in Complaints and Grievances.
  Carlin: So with all of this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the Two Commandments. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie...and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone. Unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to.
  • Not to mention his "additional commandment": Thou shall keep thy religion to thyself.
• From his Seven Words performance:
  Carlin: (on the word cocksucker) The meaning has changed. It's now 'YOU COCKSUCKER!' It's a bad man. It's a good woman! What happened?!
• An old standby for George was to tell stories about his pets at home. Watch George get a burst of energy just by telling the audience about dog-humping.
• This "joke" might have been too easy to make, but it's still worthy of at least a few chuckles.
  Carlin: I'm Curious George.
• A few of his simple but effective deconstructions.
  "Legally drunk? Well if it's legal, then what's the problem? 'Leave my friend alone officer, he's legally drunk.''"
  "Undisputed heavyweight champion. If it's undisputed, then what's all the fighting about?"
• What Am I Doing In New Jersey? Especially "Keeping People Alert," "People I Can Do Without" and "More Stuff About Cars and Driving."
  "Or, just run into a quiet little store on a Sunday afternoon and say: "ARE YOU OPEN ON THURSDAAAAAY?!" He'll say "Yes!" Then say "THANK YOOOUUU!" And run! Let them figure it out! It's not your concern."
• "Pro-Life Is Anti Woman/Chickens Are Decent People" is a favourite.
• "Airline Announcements" from Jammin' In New York.
  • Especially the guy with The Grateful Dead t-shirt and the "Fuck You" hat.
• Also his bit about the correct meaning of the words "get on the plane":
  "Fuck you, I'm getting in the plane. Let Evel Knievel get on the plane!"
• Mickey Mouse's birthday
• His routine about the stupid things people say after someone dies in It's Bad For Ya:
  After someone dies, the following conversation is bound to take place, probably more than once. Two guys meet on the street. 'Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.' 'Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.' 'Yeah?... Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of your seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be responsible for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?
• George Carlin in Doin' It Again on Political Overcorrectness:
  George Carlin: When it comes to changing the language, I think they make some good points. Because we do think in language. And so the quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. So maybe some of this patriarchal shit ought to go away. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson." I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson." I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. They want me to call that thing in the street a "personhole cover." I think that's taking it a little bit too far! What would you call a ladies' man, a "person's person"? That would make a he-man an "it-person." Little kids would be afraid of the "boogie-person." They'd look up in the sky and see the "person in the moon." Guys would say "come back here and fight like a person," and we'd all sing "For It's a Jolly Good Person," that's the kind of thing you would hear on "Late Night with David Letterperson"! You know what I mean?
• A punchline from his last special that is, quite frankly, 30+ years in the making:
  George Carlin: Now, you wouldn't know it, for some of the things I've said over the years...but I like people.

---