Funny / Gabriel Iglesias

• For the few, the proud, the overweight the big-boned, we have the Six Levels Of Fatness. They include:
  1. Big
  2. Healthy
  3. Husky
  4. Fluffy
  5. DAYUM!
  6. OH HELL NO!
  • The difference between 5 and 6? You'd begrudgingly let a 5 onto an elevator with you. With a 6, you'd be slamming the "Close Door" button even if you were the only one in there.
  • When the original "OH HELL NO!" asks why Gabriel's gift shop didn't have a shirt in his size:^note "Keep in mind, I [sell] all the way up to 'Five-X' (XXXXXL)."
  Gabriel: Dude, I didn't know they made you!
• Gabriel takes his son to the arcade, and what does he want to play? DanceDanceRevolution. Hilarity Ensues.
• When he shows up at his friend Martín's house in his new car... a Beetle.^note That's not the joke, shut up. And the Latino gang members across the street start screwing with him:
  Gabriel: (honks horn) "Marteeeeeeeeeeen!"^note He lives in the hood; I don't get out the car.
  Thug: "Órale!"
  Gabriel: "Hey what's up, how's it goin'?"
  Thug: "How did you get in there, ese?"
  (Beat)
  Gabriel: "...HURRY UP, MARTÍN!"
  • He later gets it customized and returns to pick up Martín again.
    Gabriel: "Marteeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"
    Thug: "Órale!"
    Gabriel: (refuses to acknowledge the thug) "Uh-uh, I'm not turning around."
    Thug: "Ey!"
    Gabriel: (continues to refuse acknowledging the thug) "Uh-uh."
    Thug: "Ey!"
    Gabriel: (still refuses to acknowledge the thug) "I don't see you."
    Thug: "YOOOO-HOOOOO!!!"
    Gabriel: (ignores the thug for the third time) "Grrrr...."
    Thug: "EY!!"
    Gabriel: "AAAAAAGHHHH!!!! WHAT?!?!?!"
    *Beat*
    Thug: "Check it out, ey! It's The Fat and The Furious!"
• "Martín! Look, my iPhone lied for me! Blackberry can't do that!"
  • For context: Gabriel went to a bar after a show and got completely shitfaced. His girlfriend texted him, wanting to know where he is and how he's doing. Martín tells Gabriel not to answer truthfully, but Gabriel drunkenly responds that she'll understand. Gabriel texts her back, and she soon responds, not angry at all. However, this wasn't because she was OK with Gabriel getting drunk at a bar. Rather, the auto-spell function on Gabriel's phone "corrected" the name of the bar he went to - "Cine-bar", making it sound as though he was out eating Cinnabons instead.
• Gabriel gets stopped by a police officer after getting Krispy Kreme donuts and being so excited to get home and eat them that he was speeding:
  Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
  Gabriel: (holds up the donuts) Because you could smell it!
  • Another time he gets pulled over and the cop turns out to be a fan of his. He can't wait to tell everyone at the station about meeting him.
    Officer: This is hands down the funniest damn traffic stop I have ever been a part of! The only thing even funnier than this was when a buddy of mine pulled over this fat guy who gave him donuts!
    • This particular time saw Gabriel being pulled over for going at speeds exceeding 100 mph while attempting to race a sports car with two "hoochies" in it. The officer pulls both cars over, and talks to Gabriel first. As he's going to talk to the "hoochies," Gabriel gets out the Bad Boys (1995) soundtrack, puts on the theme song to COPS, and blasts it. He ends up giving the "hoochies" a ticket, while Gabriel gets off with a warning because he made the cop laugh.
    • And then Felipe almost screws up the whole thing:
      Felipe: ...So does this mean I can keep my weed?
    • Then the cop storms back over, and cusses out Felipe, stating that while he liked Gabriel, he sure as HELL didn't like him. Felipe continued Tempting Fate by sarcastically acting 'scared' at how the cop was going 'arrest him' - until the cop pulls out a shotgun, and shoves it in Felipe's face. The look on Felipe's face when this happens? Priceless!
      Felipe: (Holding back tears) "Are you serious? Are you serious?! I'mma go to jail? I'mma go to JAIL?!"
      Cop: (Beat, Beat... puts away the gun) "Nah. But that was funny, huh?"^note The "But it was funny, huh?" line was more or less Felipe's Catchphrase, said Trollishly when Felipe does something For the Lulz - often at Gabriel's expense.
  • Yet another time Gabriel gets pulled over:
    Officer: You know why I stopped you?
    Gabriel: (angry black guy voice) 'Cause I'm black! Ha ha, hell yeah, man! What's up playah?
    Officer: (shines his flashlight on Gabriel and squints, with a confused expression) Get the hell out of here, stupid!
    Gabriel: Yay yay!
• Gabriel relates the story of Dave, his tour bus driver, screwing with the Border Patrol:
  Officer: "Now, our dog says there is some kind of illicit substance on board..."
  Dave: "Is that what the dog said? How about that? God-damn Scooby-Doo!"
  • Later, when the Border Patrol has Gabriel and his entire road crew (except, of course, Dave) up against the bus being searched, passersby can't help but notice the guy whose name and image are on the tour bus.
    [car races by] "FLUFFY!"
    [car races by] "HE'S AMERICAN!"
    [car races by] "DAYUM!" [Gabriel gets upset]
  • Special mention goes to one of the Border Patrol officers present at the scene — with the last name Sanchez. "TRAITOR!"
• Explaining why he can't wear solid colors in LA without panicking people.
  *solid blue* "It's a Crip!"
  *solid red* "It's a Blood!"
  *solid yellow* "It's a Pokémon!"
• Gabriel received about a dozen chocolate cakes after a show, and took them home. He and his significant other have quite a conversation about the cakes ("What the hell is this?" "It's a bakery!"), until Frankie comes downstairs and sees the cakes. Gabriel gives him a small one:
  The look on his face at three o'clock in the morning... it was like he got a gift from God! [imitates church music]
• The entire "Sunday Kid" skit during "Aloha Fluffy." Gabe relates how, in an effort to get revenge for Franky (the step-son) disrespecting him at home, he turns his alarm clock forward by 2 1/2 hours, frantically wakes him up, and runs him through his entire school routine at light-speed. All throughout, Gabe mentions that its dark, the sun is barely out, and there are no kids around when he drops Frankie off. The best part? It was a Sunday.
  • It gets better: his girlfriend calls and forces him to pick him up. Then there was the aftermath at school where Frankie is dubbed "Sunday Kid" because a janitor saw the whole thing. Gabe goes on to say that humiliation is by far one of the most effective and more importantly legal ways to hammer a point into your kid.
    • His reaction when his girlfriend called.
    Gabriel: SHIIT! LITTLE TRAITOR! (tries to play it cool as he answers the phone) Helloooo?
    Gabriel’s Girlfriend: Pick. Him. Up.
    Gabriel: I can barely hear you—!
    Gabriel’s Girlfriend: PICK HIM UP!!!
  • And The Stinger comes in his next special. The point that Gabriel was trying to hammer into Frankie: to put on deodorant. After the special aired, Gabriel finds out just how much the kids at Frankie's school have hammered in the point.
    *Frankie comes home from school, and dumps out 17 bottles of deodorant that were given to him*
    Frankie: SEE WHAT YOU DID!
    Gabriel: Wow, look at all the money we just saved!
• Talking about a recent show in Saudi Arabia, Gabriel learns from his Saudi driver that, thanks to Youtube, he is the second most-popular comedian in the Middle East. The first most-popular? JEFF DUNHAM.
  Gabriel: You mean you don't find him offensive?
  Driver: (Gasps, offended) Nooooooooooooo! "I KEEL YOU!"
• Spending time at the Saudi Arabian prince's palace, Gabriel sees that the prince has several falcons trained for hunting. The prince gives Gabriel a demonstration, even offering Gabriel a falcon as a gift. Gabriel refuses, as the thought of having one retrieving things (like donuts) for him would only increase his levels of laziness! Then the thought of loaning the bird to one of his friends, like Martín:
  [mimics the sound of music playing at a stripclub]
  Martín: The redhead!
  [falcon cry]
• Before he goes off to perform shows in India, his fans warn him about the dangers: namely, waterborne parasites, the street food, and a rampant crime rate that gets worse at night. After running it over in his head, Gabriel gets to thinking:
  Why does that sound familiar? ... That's Mexico!
• Gabriel describes traffic in India, which does not stop for anything but cows. He describes a situation where a man is shot dead, and the drivers proceed to shake their heads, mourn for a second, then pull him over to the sidewalk. Should a car accident happen in the middle of the street, blocking the road:
  Gabriel: [mimes the sound of a car driving over the body like a speedbump]
  • He goes on to explain that no one harrasses or drives around the cows, as Indians believe they are souls reincarnated. When one lays down and stops all traffic, Gabriel points this out:
    Gabriel: We drove past a dead body fifteen minutes ago!
    Driver: That is probably him.
• In "One Show Fits All", he mentions how he rarely gets to attend comedy shows alone because his posse is concerned about his safety.
  Gabe: (as one of the posse) What if someone tries to kidnap you? (audience laughs) (as himself) Well, they're going to earn it!
• In "I'm Not Fat, I'm Fluffy", he had a brief bit on Barack Obama:
  Gabe: Some people didn't want Barack in office only because he was black. And I'm like, how retarded- come on, you guys. You know, he's Barack. He's not Snoop Dogg. You know, it's not like he's going to come out, "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States." [beatboxes "Hail To The Chief"] (record scratches) Here we go again!"
• In "Hot and Fluffy", he thinks presidential elections should be done like people vote on American Idol: By calling in to cast your vote. One of the options if you don't like either candidate was "option 5". When pressed...
  Gabriel: (Bill Clinton voice) Hehehe... I knew you'd be back. That's right. You know you miss your daddy.
• Gabriel jokes that his favorite part of Mexican television is the commercials.
  Gabriel: You don't even know what the product is until like the last two seconds. It's always some model, walking out all sexy, right? (bass-heavy music; then, as a supermodel) "Hola. Ay, que rico..." And on the 28th second, right? "(wild moaning)... Pepsi." And you're sitting there going, "I gotta go get a Pepsi."
  • Gets a Call-Back later on in the set where Gabriel meets an extremely enthusiastic Spanish radio DJ, and imagines him using his radio voice in bed with his wife.
  Si! (spank) Si! (spank) Si! (spank) Si! (spank) Este nalgada esta presentado poooooor Pepsi! Si! (spank)
• In "Stadium Fluffy", Gabriel talks about how he got the role of Speedy Gonzalez for Space Jam: A New Legacy. He was given the role and he knew it would be controversial, not because he's playing it, but because there will always be detractors who claim Speedy Gonzalez is a terrible stereotype character and should be removed. Gabriel went on twitter to start a petition to keep the character going, since he legitimately was loved by the latin demographic. Fluffy knew he made a mistake because of grammar mistakes and that it probably picked up a lot of attention he wasn't ready for, especially when Fox News picked up on it. How did he know? Dave the bus driver called him and told him he was proud of him.
  • When he decided to start voicing the character on a Zoom call with the director and producers, they were all shocked at how spot on Gabriel was, which led to Gabriel asking them why did he get the part to begin with, only to realize that they chose him simply because they needed "a brown shield" just in case.
• While most of the story of Gabriel's mom meeting Vicente Fernandez is heartwarming, Gabe's reaction to the booking agent asking if his mom's a fan of Fernandez is hilarious:
  "She's Mexican. It's the law."
• In one instance where he retells the story of driving his Beetle over to Martin's place, but is having trouble remembering how it goes:
  "I know how the joke starts, and how it ends, but I'm not used to starting in the middle. ...That's What She Said."
  • Then, after beginning the story, with some Audience Participation:
  "Let me finish! ...Someone in the audience said, "That's What She Said"."
• Gabe tells a story about how he inadvertently dragged himself into scandal by endorsing Chic-Fil-A on Twitter. He sums why he did so in two words: "FREE SHIT!"