Funny / GWAR

"What is this, a fairy tale?!"

GWAR doesn't cross the line twice so much as it drives the Daytona 500 around it.

Interviews

• Their 1990 interview on the Joan Rivers Show. Every last second. Millions of housewives across the country were introduced to Dave Brockie and Michael Bishop in full costume and character. They offer her a severed hand as a gift.
  • In the same interview, Oderus explains the "truth" behind his arrest for obscenity over his Cuttlefish of Cthulhu. He explains that he wasn't arrested, but in fact bribed by the cops to smoke crack with them before removing the Cuttlefish with a "laser saw" while he was out cold, burying it in a heap of nuclear sludge.

"The police were holding the Cuttlefish for some time. Tipper Gore was holding it earlier, but they made her give it back."

• When asked where they're from, Beefcake explains that he's from the planet Cholesterol while Oderus hails from Scumdoggia, located in the center of the universe and far past Uranus.
• "We don't even play the guitar; telekinetically, we manipulate the fretboards with our minds."
• When asked about their musical influences, Oderus explains that they invented music after they destroyed the dinosaurs and stretched their gizzards across the Grand Canyon to play the first song ever. In fact, every musician that came after plagiarized from GWAR.

Joan Rivers: How far are you guys gonna go?

Oderus Urungus: Cleveland.

• Blothar claiming that AC/DC began life as a GWAR tribute band.
• Oderus Urungus whenever he was on FOX News' "Red Eye" segments.
  Greg Gutfeld: Where do you stand on people pirating your music?
  Oderus: ON THEIR NECKS UNTIL THEIR HEADS EXPLODE!
• On FOX News' Red Eye, Oderus says he is a firm believer in environmentalism because Earth is the only planet that has crack.
• In an interview with Loudwire, Oderus says that his favorite kind of music is metal. Literal metal. When it's thrown down the stairs.
• Oderus' ideal girlfriend is a blue whale. Because it's the only thing that won't die after having sex with him.

Social Media

• After Jamison Land left the band, a video was posted where a concerned Blothar and Pustulus say that Beefcake may have suffered a stroke because he's been acting differently. Then the camera points towards Beefcake:
  Casey Orr as Beefcake: I'M BAAAAACK!!!!

Scumdogs of the Universe

• The Salaminizer is pure, unadulterated Refuge in Audacity.
  This deli tray is UNACCEPTABLE!!
• Slaughterama is Sleazy's Deadly Game, where he quizzes a hippie, a hair metal singer and a Nazi skinhead for fabulous prizes. They lose both the game and everything above their necks.
  Slaughterama, Slaughterama, Slaughterama
  It's a drama
  Slaughterama, Slaughterama, Slaughterama
  IT'S A DRAMA, YEAH!
• Sexecutioner has the titular character stop the show and make a formal complaint about excessive violence...in his own unique way and his own lispy voice.
  Sexcuse me!
  But what good is all the violence in the world
  Unless it is tempered with limitless sex?
  Bring on the limitless sex objects
  And allow me, sexecutioner (genius)
  To sexsplain the seriousness of this subject!
  Now If you would all attend my words
  You see,
  IM A NAUGHTY FELLOW!
  In fact, I'm certainly not too very mellow!
  I've come to this place to rearrange your FACE!!!

America Must Be Destroyed

• The Villain Song, The Morality Squad is one giant Take That! against Moral Guardians.
  Blasphemy!
  Rapist mentality!
  Teen suicide!
  Necro-bestial anal buttsex?!
  Eeeeeugggghhh!!

Phallus In Wonderland

• Sleazy hits a teenager with his limo and apologizes by giving him a crack pipe and a rock on the house.
  Skateboarder: Gee, Sleazy... Do you really know GWAR?
  Sleazy P Martini: Yeah, I know GWAR - I'm their fuckin' manager!
• GWAR's flying machine runs on, of all things, crack for fuel. Huge boulders of it that they shovel into boilers like coal.
  Slave: WE NEED MORE CRACK!!
• The music video for Crack in the Egg has Slymenstra laying the gigantic egg that would soon hatch into Gor-Gor. Beefcake rushes towards the egg with a giant frying pan and spatula, only to be kicked in the face.
• "Look! It's the Magic Mirror!"
• Father Bohab leads a protest against GWAR. Sleazy, already at the scene, leaves a long, winding trail of cocaine to the protest and simply waits for them to inevitably show up and turn the protesters into mulch.
  Dick Cox: (Reporting the news on the protest) Man, that guy doesn't give up.
• The Mad Scientist of the Morality Squad Dr. D Bill Itated. His attempts to speak through his hilariously thick German accent will have you rolling.
  And of course more of these theengsh (shakes bottle of pills) available in convenient shto— Convenient shitaw— CONVENIENT SHTOWARSSZZ...everywhere.
• The Cuttlefish of Cthulhu warns Oderus of the coming of the Morality Squad.
  Oderus: Someone is going to attack us?!
  Cuttlefish: (gross slurping noises)
  Oderus: Who?! WHO?!
  Edna Grambo: (Crashes through a concrete wall with her motorized wheelchair to patriotic music) It is I, Edna Grambo!
  Oderus: Oh yeah?! WELL FUCK YOU!!!
• Several bystanders are mortally wounded during the fight against the Morality Squad. Despite their bloody injuries, they seem more annoyed or irritated than shocked.

Skulhedface

• The Japanese executive in the business meeting speaks and moves quickly and sharply like someone out of a poorly-dubbed Samurai film. Every time he throws his arms around it makes a whoosh noise.
  • During the fight scene, he commits Seppuku.
• Sleazy P. Martini explains how he discovered GWAR and became their manager. While on the lam from the FBI, he crashed his helicopter in the Antarctic and took shelter in GWAR's fortress. His shiny, mirrored jacket reflected so much sunlight that he thawed the band out of their icy prison. They were ready to kill him on the spot until Balsac reminded them of the "prophecy", which stated that whoever released them from their imprisonment would be "A-Ok." The way Balsac says this suggests that he made it up on the fly. Sleazy seals the deal by offering them bags of cocaine, which they happily snort. The rest is history. Insane, debauched history.
• The trippy GWAR cartoon for children that the executives propose to Sleazy, complete with a line of action figures, plush toys, coloring books and other assorted merchandise. Sleazy is not amused, no matter how many supermodels with giant heaps of cash they offer to him.
  Sleazy: (takes a drag from his cigarette) Blow me, fatboy.
• After the bloody, one-sided fight against the executives trying to sell out GWAR, Oderus ends things on a positive note.
  Oderus: That was fun. Let's eat!
• GWAR arranges to have thousands upon thousands of fans and their loved ones sacrificed to the World Maggot. How do they do this? With a telethon.
• One of GWAR's fans is more than happy to share his feelings about being sacrificed on their telethon. Even though he's been crucified and partially dismembered.
• Turtles the Wonder Dog happily bringing the corpse of little Timmy back to his overjoyed family.
  Announcer: Watch it...whenever it's on!
• The movie "Lawn Jockey", where a racist family fires their black maid without realizing that she's in fact a Voodoo high priestess who curses their offensive lawn jockey ornament. They lie dead at its feet the next morning.
• The World Maggot has successfully grown to the right size for GWAR to escape Earth on its back. They're all ready to go, complete with carry-on luggage...and it leaves without them.

Ragnarok

• At one point in the song Ragnarok, the singer ends up trying not to laugh in the middle of a verse.

We Kill Everything

• Fuckin' An Animal is easily the musical adaptation of Refuge in Audacity, sounding less like a heavy metal song and more like something drunks would chant at a bar. The music video itself is just them chasing furries around a farm. Then there's its final, spoken line:
  Oderus: I'm not going to spend any more time on that song.

It's Sleazy

• The skit of classic movie monsters turned addicts living in a drug den.
  Crankenstein: (Looks out the boarded-up window) Where's my fuckin' package? I need my shit...
• Crackula finally manages to find a rock on the ground after obsessively searching. Unfortunately, the sunlight hits the crack and instantly vaporizes it.
• The Skinhead in the audience making Nazi salutes at everything that moves.
• One of the audience regulars is an alcoholic goth clown named "Crappy the Clown."
• Beefcake wants to put Scrota-Moon through some "time-honored rituals" to see if he's worthy of being a Scumdog like the rest of GWAR.
  Scrota-Moon: Rituals? What rituals?
  Beefcake: WE GOIN' TO SMOKE SOME CRACK!!! (The audience cheers wildly)
• The show's captions describing Oderus as "complete dumbass."
• GWAR skinning Marilyn Manson alive in front of a live studio audience.

Lust In Space

• Metal Metal Land is about the titular planet, which GWAR misses more than anything else. It's a place of swords, sorcery, sex, drugs and METAL. And apparently, you can only get there in a stolen car.
  Here in Metal Metal Land, nothing ever dies
  Except of course our enemies and they're attracting metal flies
  Here in Metal Metal Land, everything is loud
  All the chicks are strippers, all their fathers proud!
• Lust In Space is about Oderus' reminiscing over his old days as a scourge of the universe.
  The Scumdogs are calling
  I must go back
  If I can escape Earth...
  I swear...
  ...I'll quit crack!

Battle Maximus

• I, Bonesnapper is Bonesnapper's whining, wangsty lament about how his life as a Scumdog absolutely sucks.

NOBODY LIKES ME!

IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN!

(pathetic blubbering)

Loudwire

• Oderus reading Goodnight Moon. Need we say more?
  Oderus: See? That's a cow. You fuck.
  • In the end, he starts ad-libbing random obscene acts into it until he gets fed up and tears the book apart.
  Oderus: As Oderus, I hope you die in your fucking sleep.
• Oderus' antics around the Loudwire offices.
  Oderus: (While photocopying his ass) Uh oh! I'm having a BM!

Fuse

• GWAR goes trick or treating, wearing a mish-mash of various kid's costume parts over their costumes. Oderus even has a cardboard Obama mask pierced on one of his shoulder spikes!
  Beefcake: I'm a pretty princess!
• One family comes to the door dressed as bananas, GWAR freaks the fuck out and runs away through their side yard, proclaiming them to be their feared mortal enemies: the Banana People tribe of Flab-Quarv 7. Even funnier? One of the guys recognizes the band.
• Oderus repeatedly ringing the doorbell of one house, finding it absolutely fascinating.
• "Quick, let's get out of here before the drugs wear off!"
• One particularly stingy man gives them a single Reese's Cup. GWAR is unamused.
  Beefcake: You're getting toilet-papered, my friend!
• GWAR gives dating advice to curious fans. Very, very bad dating advice.
  Oderus: I didn't know these questions were coming from prisoners!
• One man asks how he can get laid on the first date.
  Oderus: RAPE.
  Jizmak: The only answer.
  Oderus: Mrrrmmm!
• Beefcake gives us this gem on where to find potential dates.
  Beefcake: Yes, people inside and sometimes they're outside, so go to those two places.
  Oderus: (beat) That's narrowed it down considerably.
  Jizmak: Way to put a fine point on it, Beefcake.
• A rather loud woman asks GWAR if she should dump his boyfriend because of his butterfly tramp stamp. Beefcake suggests she should get a new voice.
  Oderus: Guys do not have butterfly tattoos on any part of their body!
  Beefcake: (quietly) I...I do.

Other TV Appearances

• In an episode of Viva La Bam, Oderus crawls into Bam Margera's parents' bed, whimpering like a child.
  Phil: (waking up, noticing Oderus crawling into bed) Ape! Ape, what is that?? Holy— What is that?!
  April: (waking up) What? (notices Oderus) AHH!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!
  Oderus: (whimpering) It's scary upstairs!
  Phil: Aren't your friends up there with you?
  Oderus: (sobbing) They're not my friends! They're not my friends!!
  April: This is like The Exorcist....
  Phil: Do you, like, have a friend up there??
  (Oderus breaks into more sobbing)
  April: (annoyed) Oh my god....

The Animated Tales of GWAR

• GWAR's many, many atrocities in the intro song: Blasting old people with loud music, snatching a baseball out of an outfielder's reach, salting a snail and drawing a penis in a cornfield with a tractor.
• Oderus deciding to sing a children's song in the middle of a concert, eliciting boos from the entire crowd. One enraged fan lobs a beer bottle at him. He misses...and hits Jizmak square in the face.
  • One fan is so appalled by the song that he rips out his eyes and stuffs them in his ears.
• Oderus suffering from "Lead Singer Menopause", which turns him into a children's performer. A doctor diagnosed the issue by looking inside his anus.
  Oderus: I'm sick of the negative vibe our music gives off. I thought we should reinvent ourselves to appeal to children. Education through positive music, you know?
  Everyone else: (Collective groans and gasps)
  Beefcake The Mighty: Education? Positive music? You coming out of the closet?
  Oderus: What?
  Beefcake: What the hell are you talking about?!
  Pustulus Maximus: Dude, what are you high?
  Oderus: Well of course I'm high!
  Everyone else: (Everyone sighing in relief) Oh phew, he's just high.
  Oderus: High on life!
• The doctor gives GWAR a slideshow on how dinosaur blood can cure Oderus. He hits the wrong button and accidentally shows a picture of himself posing naked on a patient's bed, sheepishly trying to pass it off as an accident.
  • The doctor also attempts and fails to scare the band with fake roars.
• GWAR meeting Weird Al.
  Beefcake: A children's performer? I thought children were only for eating!
  Al: (on the phone with his agent) ...And besides, I thought children were only for eating...
• Jizmak gets a metal spike in his eye, an ice axe in his leg, an ice axe in his head and thrown against a frozen T-Rex in a fifteen second span.
• Oderus disguising himself as Weird Al Yankovic to perform at a child's birthday party...by wearing Weird Al's face and scalp.
  Oderus: I thought kids liked education through positive music!
  Girl: Not so much. Kids are mostly into gross-out humor nowadays.
  Oderus: (Weird Al's face sloughs off) Uh...
• Weird Al is booed onstage for showing up without his face. He swears revenge, complete with Evil Laugh.
  Al: Just think of me as the "Even Weirder Al!"

Blood of Gods

• War On GWAR ends with Blothar's hilariously pathetic 911 call.
  I've fallen and I can't get up!
• Fuck This Place has Beefcake's offhand remark that he killed a dinosaur.
• This gem from Viking Death Machine:
  I'm a viking god
  Do you understand?!
  If you wanna fuck me
  LEMME SEE A SHOW OF HANDS!!
• The music video for I'll Be Your Monster has Balsac curb-stomping a delivery guy's head into his pizza box. When the box is re-opened, his face is the pizza.

Live Shows

• During their Beyond Hell tour in 2006, Oderus demands the crowd to sing along with them to "Meat Sandwich". When they're slow to do so, Beefcake screams "COME ON, FUCKERS!"
• When they prepare to dismember a fake Justin Bieber, Oderus confuses him for Vanilla Ice and complains that he's suffered enough.

Pusty's Mailbag

• Pustulus Maximus sorts through his fanmail, throwing out bills, bills, a paycheck that the mailman already stole and a fangirl's oversized underwear...which Pustulus puts away for later use.
• Pustulus talking about how the sessions for The Blood of Gods after a fan from Sandusky, Ohio has a few amusing moments:
  Pustulus: Well, Timmy.... (Crumples up Timmy's note and throws it offscreen) Since you come from a geographical location named after a famed child molestor, I want to entertain your request and respond to your inquiry. So far, it's been pretty fucking good!
  (Cut to footage of GWAR playing in their studio, the song they're recording is dubbed over with cheesy easy-listening-style rock-and-roll with mumbled vocals.)
  Pustulus: We've been taking plenty of time to make sure we're listening to each-other's ideas!
  (Cut to the band members screaming and beating each-other up. The only discernable words in the argument come from Balsac, which is just him shouting "FUCK YOU!" at Blothar. One of the band members starts screeching like a monkey, and you can hear a clown horn honking every couple of seconds.)
• Pustulus throws a Twinkie across the room for Beefcake to catch so he can steal his guitar. Beefcake's girth gives Blothar plenty of time to practice his bass skills.
  Pustulus: Hey! Hey, Beefcake! Check it out!
  (An audible 'boing!' noise plays as Pustulus reveals the Twinkie.)
  Beefcake: What's that?
  Pustulus: A Twinkie! (Throws the Twinkie across the room...)
  Beefcake: (Giving his bass over to Blothar) HEY, GIMME THAT!! AGGHHH!!!
  (Blothar starts recording a bass solo as Beefcake attempts to pick the Twinkie offscreen.)
  Beefcake: I CAN'T BEND OVER!
• Pustulus Maximus tells fans that every GWAR album requires plenty of research to ensure that their music is top quality. Cut to Pustulus, Beefcake, Blothar and one of their slaves watching 2 Girls 1 Cup.
• One of the people credited in the first episode is "That Weird Guy I Buy Weed From."
• Beefcake shows viewers how to make a sandwich. He violently smashes all of its ingredients together - including a dead baby prop. Then a hard cut to a perfectly made sandwich...which he promptly violates.
  • His apron bears special mention: "Your opinion was not part of the recipe."

Sleazy Pictures After Dark

• Sleazy P. Martini's online Mystery Science Theater 3000 ripoff is filled with more than a few hilarious (if darkly so) moments.
• Any time that Sleazy turns to glare at the camera.
• Sleazy denounces selling drugs to kids. Not because it's immoral, but because kids don't have money.
• "That's the 'Hooker's Dilemma.' You either get shot at once or twice a week or shot on once or twice an hour."

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