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Funny / Drake & Josh

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The average luck of poor Josh Nichols.

As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.

  • All of the Noodle Incidents just for how ridiculous they are.
  • In "Pilot", Josh is mistakenly believed to be dating a girl who unfortunately has a large, intimidating boyfriend named Buck. When Buck comes to his house to confront him, Josh is understandably terrified.
    Tiffany: Look, I can date whoever I want.
    Buck: Yeah? Well you can't date a guy with no HEAD! (To Josh) You're hamburger meat! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
    Josh: (Crying) BUT I'M A VEGETARIAN!
    • The entire scene where Drake finds Josh dressed like a lady.
    Drake: Hey Josh. You wanna go play some basketba-AAAHHHHHH!
    Josh: (starts panicking the minute Drake sees him)
    Drake: OH MY GOD!
    Josh: I Can Explain!
    Drake: OH MY GOD!
    Josh: I can explain!
    Drake: Mom! Josh is dressed like a frea-
    Josh: [Shuts the bedroom door] I CAN EXPLAIN!
    Drake: Why are you dressed like, Queen Latifah?
  • "Two Idiots and a Baby" has Josh hanging from the roof after he believes that a baby he's supposed to be babysitting with Drake is stuck on the roof.
    (While hanging on for dear life)
    Josh: I deserve this, this is all because I forgot to feed my pet turtle Sheldon in kindergarten. He went to heaven, and now my life is bad. (Shouting) You happy, Sheldon?! We're even now!
    Walter: (Off-screen) Josh?
    Josh: SHELDON?!
  • "Number One Fan": Josh becomes the chief of the Campfire Kids Scouts. However, Megan locks him in a tent and the kids decide to have a party. After Megan asks Wendy if she's alright, Josh basically goes crazy, asking for someone to let him out.
    Josh: Could someone LET ME OUT OF HERE?! I hate camping too! I'm claustrophobic! I would like some s'mores!
  • Crazy Steve. What stands out is the episode where they get stuck in Drake and Josh's house because of a flood, and have a crankable TV. Turns out Crazy Steve likes watching Dora the Explorer.
    Crazy Steve: Come on Dora, you're the one with the map, don't ask me!
    Crazy Steve: Come on Dora! Andale, andale! Mas rapido! You call yourself an explora!?
    Crazy Steve: You will take a break when Dora finds her way to that banana tree. Come on Dora it's right over there!
    Crazy Steve: Come on, Dora! It's right behind you!
    • And it's not Dora related but:
      Crazy Steve: What happened to the picture!?
  • When sneaking into a club, Drake devises some fake names: Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori.
    Drake: They could be real names...
    Josh: Yeah, on Planet Crazy-tron!
  • In "Pool Shark", Drake hustles people out of their money because Josh is such a great pool player, so Josh decides to teach him a lesson by having the two of them play against intimidating thug-like bikers in a bar downtown. After being scared out of his mind Josh reveals that both thugs were simply his old camp counselors and he asked them to scare Drake so he wouldn't scam people anymore. The best part is Drake's reaction to being told this:
    Drake: Where did you go to camp?!
  • Whilst trying to not let their parents find out they have a sheep in the house: "To the garage, we've got smoothie trouble!"
  • From "Grammy"
    Drake: Your face is like a ball magnet.
    Josh: (Grammy blocks a shot from Drake and the ball ends up hitting Josh while he's drinking something) My face is a ball magnet!
    Josh: Basketball - not my thing.
    • And then there's this exchange after Drake beats Grammy:
    Josh: What happened? You usually play better than that.
    Grammy: I guess I'm getting old.
    Josh: (Jokingly) Uh-oh. Maybe I can beat you now.
    Grammy: (Laughs sarcastically) Yeah. (Deadpan) I'm not that old.
  • In "The Bet", Drake and Josh were so engrossed in their addictions (Drake was eating an absurd amount of sweets while Josh was busy playing video games) that they forgot to pick Megan up with the umbrella that their mother gave them, so Megan arrives home wet from the rain. Drake just gives her an umbrella.
    • Josh hallucinating he's playing a game while in biology class.
      Josh: (daydreaming) I miss video games...so, so much...
      Princess: JOSH! The evil dragon has locked me in his castle!
      Josh: (rubs his eyes incredulously)
      Princess: Press B to save me, Josh! PRESS BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
      Josh: (hammering his finger on sink) I'M PRESSIN' IT!
      Biology Teacher: Josh? Josh!
      Josh: (still daydreaming) Yes, Princess? (what's going on quickly dawns on him)
      Biology Teacher: Please pay attention.
    • The best part is what happens afterwards: The biology teacher shows everyone a real human eye and everyone reacts in disgust. She then scolds them and tells them the human body isn't disgusting, before ordering Drake to put down his book. When he lowers his book to reveal the rash he developed due to not eating sweets, she proceeds to retch in disgust and runs out of the classroom. While still carrying the eyeball.
    • In the same episode, Drake and Josh mock each other for their habits, eating junk food and videogame playing respectively.
      Drake: (imitating Josh) Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, man! I got me a video game!
      Josh: (takes a bag of cheese balls and imitates Drake.) Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big 'ol bag of cheese balls! (scarfs down cheeseballs)
      Drake: Which you're allergic to.
      (Josh proceeds to take out a vacuum to suck the cheeseball crumbs off his tongue)
  • "COCKA-DOODLE-DOO! THE COW SAYS MOO!"
  • In "Megan's First Kiss", Drake and Josh decide to spy on Megan to see what she could be up to, which is eventually revealed to be her first date, the duo choose to disguise themselves while at the Premiere as rabbis.
    Drake: Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
    Josh: I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
    Drake: I don't even know what accent to talk with.
    Josh: Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
    Helen: Can I help you gentlemen find something?
    (Drake and Josh speak in utter gibberish while using ridiculous accents)
    Helen: Potato?
    Drake: (Irish accent) Come along, Pontiac.
    Josh: Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
    Drake: (To Helen) PIP PIP DA DOODLY-DOO!
    Helen: (Impressed) Pip pip da doodly-doo! (To Crazy Steve) I'm gonna start sayin' that.
  • This little exchange at the beginning of the episode Alien Invasion:
    (Drake and Josh are in their room. Drake has the stereo playing really loudly while Josh is trying to do his homework.)
    Josh: Hey! Hey!
    Drake: (while eating a sandwich) Oh, sorry. Do you want some sandwich?
    Josh: No! I'm trying to do my homework! Could you please turn that off?!
    (Drake turns off the stereo and picks up his guitar.)
    Drake: (singing in blues) Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky... (Josh breaks his pencil out of anger) ...Oh now he's breaking things. Writing to the pencil repairman. He don't know what to do!
    Josh: DUDE! Would you stop with the improvisational blues tune?! Don’t you have homework to do?
    Drake: My homework has already been taken care of.
    (Drake gives a note to Josh.)
    Josh: (reading note) "Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to write, read, or bathe. Yours truly: The Doctor."
    Drake: (proudly) Wrote it myself!
    Josh: Shouldn't "The Doctor" have a name?
    Drake: Oh, yeah. Here, gimme that. (takes note from Josh and thinks for a few seconds) Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". (writes it down on note) Yeah?
    Josh: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!
    Drake: Cool!
  • "It's SPHERICAL! SPHERICAL!!"
  • While it's quite a sad episode, the ping-pong in "Josh is Done" is outright hilarious, especially as the boys play as kung-fu masters.
    • "Are you ready to ping the pong?"
    • "You have smashed the window of transparency!"
    • Josh's over-the-top meltdown when he's locked out of the classroom for being late.
    • Drake being given a forced shower in class. With his clothes on.
  • The Cold Open for "Guitar": While the two are discussing with the audience what it's like to be step-brothersnote , Drake is tuning his guitar in their bedroom while Josh makes a sandwich in the kitchen. When Josh admits that, while he has some issues with Drake, he still likes him, Drake abruptly leaves the bedroom due to being hungry. And so, while Josh steps away from his sandwich to grab some mustard from the fridge, Drake transparently steals his sandwich.
    Josh: (sits down with the mustard; to the camera) Anyway, I guess the important thing to remember about being a new step-brother is to be respectful of each other and he took my sandwich, didn't he.
    • At the start of episode proper, Drake tries to fix his amp, only for it to spark. This gets forgotten about due to Drake getting distracted by the announcement of a Zero Gravity radio contest... until the end of the intro:
      Drake: (to himself; confidently) I'm gonna win those tickets. I will be the ninth caller.
      Josh: (looks to the right; nervously) Uh... Drake?
      Drake: (to Josh) Yeah?
      Josh: Amp's on fire.
      (Drake shouts in shock, then attempts to beat the fire out with a bathrobe)
      Josh: (to the camera; defeated) So he uses my robe.
    • After Drake becomes the winning caller of the Zero Gravity radio contest, he is told he has to answer a question in order to actually win: Naming the eighth planet from the sun. With time running out, Drake turns to Josh for help... causing him to begin belting out a song he remembered from elementary school about the planets at Drake's insistence:
      Josh: (panicked) I saw Mercury, and Venus, I saw the Earth, then Mars, I saw Jupiter, then Saturn, URANUS, AND NEPTUNE-!
    • After attempting to show Megan how Drake's new electric guitar works results in it catching on fire, Josh proceeds to lock it in its case and then throw the key out the window in order to prevent Drake from finding out. When Drake is upset that Josh "misplaced" the key, a little girl is heard outside telling her mom about the key she found on the sidewalk.
      Josh: (all but leaps out the window) KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!
    • When Josh takes a trip to a store called, "Guitar World" to replace Drake's old one:
      Josh: Do you sell guitars?
      Store Clerk: Here? (looks around the store) At 'Guitar World?' Gee, I don't know.
    • A Running Gag throughout the episode concerns Walter (at Audrey's suggestion) trying to bond with Drake, only for Drake to keep blowing him off. This culminates in him approaching Drake, right before he heads out for the Zero Gravity concert, and suggesting they build a treehouse together. And once Drake figures out what's going on, he decides to help him out by pulling him into the kitchen (where Audrey is) and loudly ask for his advice about a fictional girl problem he's "having"... which takes him a moment to realize is what's going on.
  • The entire beginning of "The Battle of Panthatar", where Drake and Josh talk to "everyone under the age of 5", parodying shows like Dora the Explorer where they wait for the audience to respond. Even funnier is the fact that Drake gets cookies from the "kid viewer", and Josh gets spit in his eye. Even with the modified fourth wall, poor Josh can't catch a break.
    Drake: Hello, what's your name?
    Josh: Hi! Who are you?
    Drake: What is your favorite thing to eat?
    Josh: What games do you like to play?
    Drake and Josh: Me too!
    Drake: Hey, do you like me?
    Josh: Do you wanna be my friend?
    Drake: Aw, thank you!
    Josh: ... What is that supposed to mean?
    Drake: You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
    Josh: What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Don't fetch your mother! Yeah, I'm talking to you!
    Drake: A present? For me?
    Josh: Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
    (Drake is handed a plate of chocolate chip cookies)
    Drake: A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
    Josh: I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a-
    (Kid spits in Josh's eye)
    Josh: Did you just... YOU SPIT IN MY EYE!
    Drake: Mmm... these are my favorite!
    Josh: (Rubbing his eyes) OH, IT BURNS! AGH! AGH!
  • Just to show how much the world seems to hate Josh, here's a bit where he's reprimanded for saying something completely nice and inoffensive:
    Delivery Man: Package for Josh Nichols. (hands Josh the box)
    Josh: (smiling) Thanks. Have a good day!
    Delivery Man: Don't tell me what to do. (walks away)
    (Josh's smile falls)
  • Anytime Josh attempts to be dramatic.
    Josh: I may have tripped. BUT THAT DOES NOT DIMINISH THE IMPACT OF THIS EXIT!
    Josh: (puts on glasses) I am not an emotional man. (pulls off glasses) But I will go to the ends of the earth to prove that my client, Drake Parker, is INNOCENT! (slams hand on table, but smashes glasses while doing so) Oh jeez.
    • The entirety of "Student Council" where the above quote comes from. The sheer absurdness of an episode that revolves around Drake being on trial for putting his teacher's car in her classroom.
    • Mindy going through Drake's notebook.
      Mindy: Ah, here we see Ms. Hayfer smiling and holding an umbrella but above her, that's not rain falling is it, Drake?
      Drake: (weakly) Not really.
      Mindy: What is it?
      Drake: (still weakly) A piano.
      Mindy: A PIANO!
    • The rest of the drawings or as Josh calls them, "doodles", are all hilarious. Highlights include ones of Ms. Hayfer getting eaten by an elephant and getting probed by aliens. Mrs. Hayfer shows him a note thay says, "I hate you!", to which Drake mouths, "I know."
    • With each picture Drake gets more indignant realizing innocent as he may be, this does make him look guilty.
    • Josh slowly headdesking after seeing them all.
    • In the same episode, after Drake is framed for putting Mrs. Hayfer's car in the middle of the classroom and subsequently suspended, his parents confront him.
      Drake: Look, I promise you guys, I did not put her car in that classroom. (Beat) You don't believe me.
      Walter: Well, you've been known to "act out".
      Drake: Like when?
      Walter: You drove the lawn mower into the living room!
      Drake: By accident!
      Audrey: You filled our swimming pool with lobsters!
      Drake: To make money!
      Walter: Should I mention the stink bomb in my sister's wedding?
      Drake: Oh come on! Even you hate your sister!
      • Not only does Walter indicate that he really does hate his sister, but he also asks moments later how was Drake planning to make money using lobsters.
    • At one point, Mindy successfully manages to make even Josh believe that Drake is really guilty, when Josh was defending him. Drake points this out and Josh just remarks that Mindy is really that good!
    • The opening where Drake and Josh are giving the viewers advice befitting of their characters. Josh quickly figures out Drake is giving kids terrible advice and delivers this hilarious line.
    Josh: "Drake! Stop poisoning the youth of America!"
    • The entire scene a man from AAAA tries to remove the car from the classroom while Mrs. Hayfer tries to teach.
  • "Megan's New Teacher" has Drake struggle to climb up a rope to get into Megan's school to help Megan sabotage Josh's teaching evaluation. He then yells for Megan to come up, only for her to come in through the classroom door seconds later.
    Drake: How did you get in?
    Megan: Through the front door. It's a school, Drake, not a bank.
    • From the same episode, Drake and Josh are arguing over who would win in a slap-fight: Duff or Lohan. They then ask Helen:
      Helen: Oh, no contest, Lohan. [...] Duff can't take a punch!
    • And THEN Drake asks Josh this:
      Drake: Okay. Clay Aiken or Frodo?
      (beat)
      Both: Frodo.
  • In "Movie Job", Josh tries to sell more popcorn by putting a golden ball in ten of the popcorn buckets, and whoever gets one wins free movies for an entire month. Cue the Black-Friday-esque free-for-all brawl.
    • Just about everything Josh says during the fight.
      THIS IS NOT ORDERLY!!!
      PUT THE KERNEL DOWN!
    • This:
      Male Moviegoer: WHERE'S THE GOLDEN BALL?!
      Josh: REMAIN CALM!
      (Moviegoer throws popcorn into Josh's face)
      Josh: That's not calm!
    • Drake just watches the whole thing go down. Then he says this:
      Drake: (to Josh) I'm watching...when do I start learning?
    • During the fight, one guy knocks out another moviegoer.
  • "Helicopter". Basically the entire episode. A crowning example, however, is Josh knocking out their pilot (with only Drake and them in the helicopter), managing to wake him, then using the fire extinguisher to blast him out the helicopter with a parachute.
    Josh: I EXTINGUISHED OUR PILOT?!
    Josh: (to Drake) What kind of help are you gonna bring back?! A dive team to locate my corpse?!
    • At the end of the episode, the pilot shows up at their house to angrily give Walter a bill for the helicopter (after Drake and Josh abandoned it to crash in the ocean). Said bill was for $400,000, leaving Walter, Audrey and Megan shocked... prompting the note the episode ends on: Drake and Josh narrating their being grounded.
      (Drake and Josh turn look at each other; both then turn to resignedly look straight ahead)
      Drake: (defeated; as Walter) "Boys, you're both grounded."
      Josh: (defeated) "But dad."
      Drake: (defeated; as Walter) "Grounded, two weeks."
      Josh: (defeated) "But it wasn't our fault."
      Drake: (defeated; as Walter) "Upstairs."
      Josh: (defeated) "Yes, sir."
      Drake: (defeated) Night.
      Josh: (defeated) Night.
      (Drake and Josh leave)
    • The opening talking head is interrupted by some random dude named Dave and it's quite hysterical.
  • Anytime Drake shows his Book Dumb.
    Drake: There's a NEW Jersey?
    Josh: (Beat) Yeah, they just opened it.
  • Everyone who rode the Demonator's reactions to the ride:
    Random Guy: It's like a part of me died, and another part of me has just been born.
    Random Kid: I don't even care that I puked!

    Drake: (to Megan) You rode the Demonator?
    Josh: Yep, she rode the Demonator.
    Megan: (dazed) Oh, I rode the Demonator.
    Josh: So how was it?
    Megan: It was like taking a piggyback ride on a wild tiger through the eye of a tornado.

    Drake: (both he and Josh are dazed) Oh...
    Josh: ...my...
    Both: ...God.
    Drake: We rode the Demonator.
    Josh: The greatest rollercoaster...in the history...of mankind.
    Drake: It's better than love.
    Josh: It's better than girls.
    Drake: (snaps out of daze) Okay, don't get crazy!
  • Megan's really bad cover-ups for her suspicious behavior in "Megan's First Kiss."
    Megan: (on the phone) Why don't you meet me by the— (sees Drake and Josh) Bye! (hangs up the phone)
    Drake: Who were you on the phone with?
    Megan: I wasn't on the phone!
    Drake: Yeah, you were.
    Josh: We just saw you.
    Megan: No, you didn't!
    Drake: Yeah, we did!
    Josh: We were standing right here!
    Megan: Coming, Mom!
    Drake: Mom's not even home.
    Megan: You're not home!

    Megan: (after measuring their necks) What are you doing Saturday night?
    Drake: We're going to a concert.
    Josh: Why?
    Drake: (to Josh) Because we bought tickets.
    Josh: Not you! (to Megan) Why do you want to know what we're doing Saturday night?
    Megan: I don't care what you're doing.
    Drake: But you just asked us.
    Megan: Or, maybe you just asked yourself. Yeah. Think about that!
    • And then, Drake even believes Megan's last cover-up!
      Drake: 'Kay, I wanna know what her deal is!
      Josh: Yeah, she's up to something.
      Drake: First, she hangs up the phone and pretends to not be talking to anybody...
      Josh: Then she measures our necks and asks of our social plans...
      Drake: Wait. She said we asked ourselves about that.
      Josh: Really, you're not a smart boy.
    • At the end of the episode, Megan kisses Drake and Josh on the cheek and tells them that she loves them. Shocked, Drake turns to Josh and sees that he's crying... ...Except it was really just because he was kicked in the throat.
  • In "Blues Brothers", the funniest scene has to go to Josh twitching on television. Highlights include:
    • Josh's twitching gradually turning into a meltdown.
    • Audrey and Drake's reactions of seeing Josh twitching.
    • "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TELL [Megan] ABOUT THE TWITCH?!"
      • What's funnier is that he goes back to twitching after saying the aforementioned line.
    • Josh starts to heat up...so much that he starts to sweat in his suit.
    Josh: It seems my antiperspirant...[twitches]...has failed.
  • The opening to "I Love Sushi" sees Drake and Josh telling the audience about a revelation they had: things tend to go bad whenever they do things together. They then proceed to rhetorically ask them if they knew about this. Cue the segment becoming heavily derailed as Drake and Josh sheepishly learn that yes, the audience already knew this.
  • In "Tree House", the boys build a new treehouse for the neighbor kid, only for them to get trapped inside because Drake didn't put in a door and Josh thought the drawing was a real door. What follows is one of the most famous scenes of the show:
    Josh: (barely restrained frustration) Drake?
    Drake: What?
    Josh: Where's the door hole?
    Drake: It goes right there. See? I drew it with a magic marker.
    Josh: You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw.
    Drake: Dude, I'm gonna!
    Josh: Oh really?
    Drake: Yes!
    Josh: ...So go get the power saw.
    Drake: Okay, I will. (walks straight into the wall, then slowly realizes he and Josh are trapped) ... ...I see the problem.
    Josh: Oh, DO YA!?
    • Before that, the boys were working on a model rocket, but have have some trouble assembling it, so they go to Megan for help. When they turn their backs away to get a hammer, Josh accidentally sets off the rocket and it flies out the window into their neighbor’s kid’s treehouse. And then…
    Drake: Let’s just go next door and get it back.
    (the rocket explodes inside the treehouse, while Drake and Josh watch on, sporting the funniest Oh, Crap! faces yet)
    Megan: Treehouse on fire?
    Both boys: YEAH!!!
    (they run out of the room)
  • Josh's big speech at the end of "Girl Power" is simultaneously hilarious, heartwarming and awesome:
    Josh: You see what you do?! One night, one night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
    Drake: Josh I-
    Josh: (interrupting) I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents! I spent like two days working on this dinner, and 300 bucks on a dumb harpist (turning to address her) who at this point should STOP. PLAYING! (the harpist stops) And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, 'cause she is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I can't date her because you wrecked it! Alright? You wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
    Drake: (beat) You spent $100 on ice?
    Josh: (Yells and attacks Drake)
  • The entire cumin waffle scene. To recap, Drake and Josh think that Walter is having an affair. To show him how much Audrey loves him, they make a waffle breakfast for him and claim that Audrey made it. The plan quickly goes awry when Drake uses cumin instead of cinnamon sugar. And to make matters worse, Walter is revealed to be allergic to cumin.
    Josh: You put cumin in his waffles?!
    Drake: You told me to put cumin in his waffles!
    Josh: I said cinnamon! Cinnamon!
    Drake: What's the difference?
    Josh: EVERYTHING! Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice! We were flavouring a waffle, not a chimichanga!
    Drake: (stammering) So...I made a little mistake.
    Josh: A HUGE mistake! Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin, I mean, he's probably in there dying right now. (Beat; hears his dad's wheezing) DAD!
    • Walter's wheezing from his allergy attack. He sounds like a barking seal, mixed with a pig getting slaughtered by Chris Hargensen.
    • What makes the scene even better is that when Josh finds out that Drake put cumin in the waffles, he decides to pull him outside the kitchen to berate him for his mistake, while Walter has an allergy attack! You can even see Walter trying to get Josh's attention as he pulls Drake out of the kitchen. During the above conversation, you can hear Walter's wheezing.
    • The aftermath that follows:
      Audrey: Walter. I am not happy.
      Walter: Why, 'cause your demon waffles didn't kill me?!
      Audrey: What?
      Josh: Your hair looks pretty!
      Walter: You know I'm allergic to cumin!
      Audrey: So? What does that have to do with anything?
      Drake: (examining his thumbs) You think my thumbs are the same size?
      Josh: It looks thicker.
      Audrey: If you want to know why I'm not happy, it's because when I got in the shower this morning, I found one of these again. (holds out a clump of hair)
      Walter: So I left a little hair in the drain.
      Josh: How 'bout those Red Sox? They're good, right?
      Audrey: When I take my morning shower, I do not enjoy stepping on a hamster!
      Drake: (brings out a tangelo) Hey, anyone want a tangelo?
      Josh: Mmm, half tangerine, half...elo.
      Drake: (fake British accent) Ello.
      Walter: (stands up) You know what? I'm going to work.
      Audrey: Fine. Why don't you take this [the hair clump] with you? I think it might be "Take your Hairball to Work Day"!
      Walter: (in an angry tone) SEE YA!
      Audrey: (also in an angry tone) LATER!
      (both leave in a huff and Drake takes a bite out of the waffle)
      Drake: I like it.
      (Josh takes the waffle and throws it into the living room)
  • "The Theatre Thug":
    Megan: (To Drake) Move the melon.
    (Drake moves Josh out of the table)
    Megan: The watermelon!
    • When Josh disguises himself as a random hippie, the bystanders immediately recognize him.
      • What's funnier is Josh's hippie accent when he's recognized.
    Josh: (in a very bad, 80s hippie accent) Na, na. See? My name is Antoine. How are you?
  • The Twist Ending to "The Wedding"'s opening segment:
    Drake: You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
    Josh: I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do...
    (cut to a wide shot of the living room... where we see that Drake and Josh were standing next to each other)
    Josh: (to Drake) ...do you?
    Drake: (to Josh; scoffs) Totally!
    (Beat)
    (Drake and Josh look ahead in realization)
  • In "Megan's Revenge", Drake and Josh were about to return a camera they borrowed. Josh gets distracted by Megan's pet hamster. Then he decides to take a picture of the hamster... while it's in its glass cage. And because the camera has the flash on, the bright light stuns him. And here are some of the highlights of this scene.
    Josh: I think he really is dead...!
    • Josh and then Drake doing CPR on the hamster.
      Josh: One one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand. BREATHE!
      • Prior to that...
        Drake: No, that hamster cannot be dead! If that hamster's dead, we're dead, 'cause Megan's gonna kill us!
        Josh: (stammering) What can I do about it?!
        Drake: I don't know! You watch O.R! Fix him!
        Josh: Okay, okay ummm...Alright! I need ZBC, Chem 7, chest-filled—
        Drake: OH, JUST GIVE HIM CPR!!!
        Josh: Oh, alright!
    • The icing on the cake has to be when the boys flee the scene after thinking Megan's hamster is really dead, Josh spins the living shit out of it to make it look like the hamster's running on the wheel.
  • Josh running over Oprah in "Josh runs into Oprah". Here's the full scene:
    Drake: (points offscreen) Hey, park there.
    Josh: No, I wanna find a spot closer to the door.
    Drake: Why?
    Josh: Because, if we park far away, then we might have to walk too far and I could get sweaty. And I am not meeting Oprah with pit stains!
    Drake: (Beat; Grabs the wheel) Just park the car already!
    (The two start fighting over the wheel)
    Josh: Would you let go of my wheel?
    Drake: No! Just park!
    Josh: (unintentionally hits the gas pedal) Dude! COME ON!!
    Drake: Hey watch it! WATCH IT!!!
    (The car runs into Oprah, to Josh's horror and Drake's shock. Oprah's supporters gasp at the sight.)
    Female Agent: OPRAH!!! Oprah! Somebody call for help!
    Josh: I RAN OVER OPRAH!!!
  • When Drake mispronounces "South America". Josh's face makes the scene even funnier.
  • Drake and Josh had a bet to see who would be faster- Drake painting a picture of Abraham Lincoln in a bikini or Josh stacking 100 cans of tuna into a pyramid. As Drake puts the finishing touches on his painting, he wonders if he'll beat his brother. Sure enough, Josh is "10 seconds till pyramid". Except for one thing: Drake's upstairs, and he's downstairs. Cue Drake stomping on the floor.
    (Josh's pyramid comes down in an avalanche of tuna)
    Josh: ..........MY TUNA!
  • Drake decides to borrow hyper-nerd Clayton's water bottle... so he can spit out his mouthwash. Clayton's reaction sells it, like he's mourning a best friend or even a compatriot.
    Clayton: W-w-wwwhhh-w-wh-hhh-WHYYYYYYY???
    • Then, later, Clayton shows up at Drake's house.
      Clayton: (still holding the tainted water bottle and pointing to it) Wh-hhh-WHYYYYYYY??? Yuck...
  • Drake is supposed to write an essay on current affairs. So he hands in over the newspaper of that day with his name written on it. In crayon.
  • Drake's gym teacher meets his mother at their home.
    Audrey: Hi, I am Drake's mom.
    (Beat)
    Drake's Coach: You're his mother?
    Audrey: Yeah. Is something wrong?
    Drake's Coach: Well it's just that, Drake told me, when he was four years old, his parents were lost at sea.
    Audrey: Lost at sea!?
    Drake's Coach: Yes ma'am, I uh, I thought you were dead.
    Audrey: Drake told you...
    (Drake enters the room)
    Drake: Coach Remus!
    (Audrey turns and looks at Drake)
    Drake: MOM! YOU'RE ALIVE!! (runs and starts hugging her)
    • When the gym teacher informs them about him failing Gym for failing to show up once and will have to repeat the class year (Gym is a required criteria):
      Drake: Wait, what? Why didn't you tell me?
      Drake's Coach: You never come to class!
  • In "Mindy's Back", Josh is psyched about the science fair because Mindy is in a mental institution and she won't be able to beat him this time like every other year. He proceeds to lean out of the window to declare to the entire city that he is going to win this year, only to fall out. Drake asks if his project is on gravity.
  • Josh not getting the hint a girl wasn't interested in him. Though given Josh's luck it wouldn't be a surprise if she was being honest.
    Josh: So, I was thinking, like, maybe you and me could go get a burger or something?
    Girl: I'm a vegetarian.
    Josh: That's cool, good for the animals, good for the colon. (later) How about some ice cream?
    Girl: I'm lactose intolerant.
    Josh: I. Don't. Believe. You. (girl leaves) Come on, you gotta eat something!
  • Drake pranking Josh in "Peruvian Puff Pepper"
    Drake: (turns off the radio and starts speaking in a surprisingly good imitation of the narrator's voice) But first you must smell your tomato.
    Josh: Smell my tomato?
    Drake: Inhale the aroma by pressing it to your nose with GREAT FORCE.
    (Josh smashes the tomato into his nose)
  • The ending of the "Dr. Phyllis Show" where Drake admits that he learned his lesson from using Liza Tupper back in "Playing The Field" since she was a bad kisser and unintelligent. Dr. Phyllis Tupper reveals that her daughter. Drake is clearly uncomfortable and tries to leave, only for Dr. Phyllis to assault him while on camera, and Josh for trying to break up the fight.
    • Just the fact that Liza Tupper's reputation as a bad kisser is so notorious, it got back to Josh.
    Drake: Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever.
    Josh: I have heard that.
  • In "Steered Straight", Drake and Josh get tangled with real criminals when the two get put into the aforementioned program.
    • "CLOSE THE LAPTOP AND PUT DOWN THE GUITAR!"
    • When the boys are sent to the SS program, Walter tells them that they need to start acting like men. Says the guy wearing a prom dress for some reason.
    • When a criminal named Blaze hijacks the police cruiser, Drake and Josh get him to drive them home so that they can call 9-1-1. The problem? The two are handcuffed, which makes it hard to dial, so Drake decides to hold the phone behind his butt and lets Josh dial the phone with his nose!
      Josh: I'm not sticking my nose down there!
      • When Josh complies, he ends up sneezing on the phone. His reason? Allergy Season.
    • When Blaze catches them using the phone, they cover up the real reason by saying that they're calling their crime buddies to help them with the next scheme: kidnapping the governor of San Diego. This prompts Blaze to call his friends over.
      • For a little bit of Fridge Brilliance, Arnold Schwarzenegger (former governor of California) used to be a bodybuilder. That would explain why Blaze is taken aback by the boys' "scheme".
    • Josh asks one of Blaze's friends how he got the cuffs off. His answer?
      Blue Thief: Never look me in the eye.
      Josh: (now looking away from him) Message received.
    • When Walter pulls up to the house, one of the thieves describes him as "a goofy-lookin' dude in a really bad shirt", followed by the duo muttering "Dad..." under their breath.
    • When Drake and Josh capture Walter (as a way to keep him safe from the criminals) Josh says: "Good call, good call! Let's go old guy we don't know!"
    • This exchange when the duo shove Walter in the closet:
      Josh: What're we gonna do?!
      Drake: I don't know!
      Josh: If [Blaze and his gang] find out we're not real criminals—
      Drake: They cannot find that out.
      Josh: (whining tone) BUT I DON'T WANNA KIDNAP THE GOVERNOR!
      Walter: (Bound and Gagged) Kidnap the Governor?!
      • When Drake asks for Walter's cellphone, the latter says he dropped it when the duo captured him. He demands an explanation to what's going on; this prompts Drake to put the tape back on his mouth since explaining would take too long.
      • When the duo hatch a plan to drive Blaze and his gang out of the house, they leave Walter in the closet, to his immense displeasure.
        Drake: Here. (gives him a ball of yarn) Play with this yarn.
      • Later on, Drake and Josh realize they forgot they left him there while they dealt with Blaze and his posse, and we're treated to a brief Cutaway Gag of Walter trying to break out.
      • One could interpret the scene as Laser-Guided Karma for Walter for putting the boys into this situation to begin with or a Brick Joke to how Walter told Drake and Josh to go into the closet after being caught with the fake IDs.
    • Drake and Josh's entire Fake Fight to drive the criminals away.

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