Funny / Die Hard with a Vengeance

• This exchange between Joe and Connie following the opening explosion:
  Joe: Who the hell'd want to blow up a department store?
  Connie: You ever see a woman miss a shoe sale?
• When McClane is standing on the street wearing the racist sign and somebody off-screen notices and goes "What the fuck?!"
  • The real funny part is that since that scene was actually shot in Harlem, the real sign on-set was blank, and the captions were added in post-production. The filmmakers decided not to test fate there.
• The scene where Charlie walks into Cobb's office with a briefcase bomb:
  Charles Weiss: [comes in] A nut who knows a lot about bombs. We found this in a playground. Professional. Very cool stuff! You know... [thuds the bomb roughly on Cobb's desk] Boom!
  Cobb: You think you should slam it around like that, Charlie?
  Charlie: It's unmixed. You can't hurt it. This stuff is cutting edge. It's a binary liquid.
  Cobb: A what?
  Charlie: Like epoxy. Two liquids. [puts a small dab of a clear liquid on Cobb's desk] Now, either one by itself... [hits it with his shoe] you got nothing. But, mix them... [dips — not coats, dips — the tip of a paperclip in both liquids] Ricky? [Walsh moves aside and Charlie throws the paperclip at a chair. The mixture explodes with enough force to almost throw the chair clear across the squad room, and everyone freaks out]
  Connie Kowalski: Charlie, you're gonna be wearin' that chair up your ass!!
  Cobb: Christ almighty, Charlie! [Charlie continues as if nothing has been said about his little show]
  Charlie: (chuckling) Like I said, very cool stuff. Now, with a package like this, you get a warning. Now, the bomb has to arm itself. You'll see the red liquid pump into the clear before it detonates.
  McClane: How long before?
  Charles: Ten seconds, two minutes, it could be anything. But once it's mixed... be somewhere else!
• McClane's snark, as always, is top-notch:
  Cobb: [explaining why McClane's not worth Simon's time] ...and he's about two steps shy of becoming a full-blown alcoholic.
  John: (whispering) One step. One step.
• How Simon gets introduced to Zeus:
  Simon: Is the ebony Samaritan there now?
  Zeus: You got a problem with ebony?
  Simon: No, no. My only problem was that I went to some trouble to set up that little game for McClane. You interfered with a well laid plan.
  Zeus: Yeah, well, you stick your well laid plan up your well laid ass.
  (Simon hangs up)
  • Moments later, when Simon calls back:
    Cobb: Simon, he wasn't speaking for all of us.
    Simon: That was unpleasant. Don't let it happen again. (to Zeus) So, what's your name, boy?
    Zeus: Don't call me boy!
    Simon: Sorry. It was a poor attempt at humor.
• When Cobb pulls McClane off suspension for this case, he pulls out his badge:
  John: What's that?
  Cobb It's your shield.
  John: You asking me to be a cop again?
  Cobb (ignoring him) Ricky, get him his gun.
  John: Hey! You didn't answer my question, Walter.
  Cobb: (annoyed) Are you done, Lieutenant? (throws badge to him)
• Zeus figuring out the "Man with Seven Wives" riddle.
  Zeus: Wait! Wait! It's a trick! I forgot about the man.
  John: What man?! Fuck the man! We got 10 seconds left!
  Zeus: He said "How many were going to St. Ives", right? The riddle begins, "As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives." The guy and his wives aren't going anywhere!
  John: What're they doing?
  Zeus: Sitting in the fucking road waiting for the moon! How the hell should I know, McClane?!
  John: Well, who's going to St. Ives, then?!
  Zeus: The guy. Just the guy.
  John: Just one guy?
  Zeus: The answer's one!
  John: One guy. How do you dial "one"!?
• The off-road drive through Central Park:
  Zeus: Are you aiming for these people?!
  John: No! Well, maybe that mime.
  • You can hear said mime doing the Wilhelm Scream after McClane says "No".
• Many exchanges between McClane and Zeus:
  John: I know what I'm doing!
  Zeus: Not even God knows what you're doing!
• Their dynamic summed up:
  John: Listen, you fail, I cover your ass! I fail, you cover my ass!
  Zeus: And if we both fail?
  John: (panting) Then we're both fucked.
• As usual, Samuel L. Jackson is a master of the Precision F-Strike, such as this bit:
  John: Get to that phone booth by 10:20! Go!
  Zeus: My lucky fucking day.
• At one point, Zeus takes a brief rest in the car he's driving and a businessman gets in:
  Man: 112 Wall Street.
  Zeus: Wait. This isn't a taxi. You don't understand.
  Man: Your light's on. I'll make it simple: 112 Wall Street, or I'll have your medallion suspended. (pause) What? You don't like white people?
  Zeus: (gets an idea) 112 Wall Street? (man nods sarcastically) You got it. (peels out)
  • Two scenes later, Zeus makes it to the subway near Wall Street (where he had to meet McClane) and the man in the backseat is frozen in tension from the implied Drives Like Crazy that ensued.
• When asked by the FBI and the guy from another agency what McClane knows about Simon, he admits not knowing much, only that, "for some reason, he's very angry with me."
• Simon's men toying with the bank security guard over the phone as he tries to call for help:
  Terrorist: ...Frünt desk.
  Guard: Yes. Call the police. Get your ass down here right now! I'm under attack!
  Terrorist: (cheerfully) Hey, just relax, mate. Maybe you'll live through this!
  Guard: Shit! (proceeds panic-fire while screaming down the hallway)
• After Katya slashes through a guard's neck twice, then stabs him in the chest and the back, Simon pins her against a wall saying "I think he's dead, my dear".
• When Zeus asks a man whose car he just stole who the 21st U.S. President is and the man curtly replies: "Go fuck yourself!"
• McClane getting shot though the sewer opening in a geyser of water. It's like something you'd see in Wipe Out.
• "Does this car have airbags?" "Your side does, I don't know about mi—" (look of "wait a minute..." and then Gilligan Cut to the car flying off a bridge) "MCCLAAAAAANEEEEEE!!!!"
• After two movies with An Ass-Kicking Christmas, there's at most this Trash Talk gem.
  John: Hi, fellas. Mickey O'Brien, aqueduct security. Hey, listen, we got a report of a guy coming through here with, uh, eight reindeer. [shoots the terrorists, opens the truck door, a corpse falls out, and he reloads his pistol] Yeah, they said he was a jolly, old, fat guy with a snowy, white beard. Cute little red and white suit. I'm surprised you didn't see him.
• When Simon is calling the rear truck driver, Nils (who was one of many bad guys killed by McClane, unbeknownst to Simon), to inform him that they are at the dam:
  John: Attention, attention, Nils is dead. I repeat, Nils is dead, fuckhead! And so is his pal. And those four guys from the East German All-Stars, your boys down at the bank? They're gonna be a little late.
  Simon: John. In the back of the truck you are driving, there is $13 billion dollars worth in gold bullion. I wonder if a deal would be out of the question?
  John: Yeah, I got a deal for you. Crawl out from under that rock you hiding under and I'll drive this truck up your ass.
  Simon: How colorful.
• The briefcase bomb:
  Zeus: Hey. You know, some kid might find that.
  John: You're right. (gives him a look)
  Zeus: (gives a damn look and climbs back over the fence to grab it)
  • And later two of Simon's goons (dressed as cops) are given the bomb by an unknowing Zeus. One of them wants to just leave it behind. The other's less careless:
    Fake Cop: (in German) What are you doing? Some kid— Put it in the back!
• When John and Simon meet face-to-face for the first time. After a bit of talking, Simon takes over John's radio call with the coast guard.
  Simon: Ridge port coast guard, come in please.
  (Beat)
  Simon: (to John) They put you on hold?
  John: She told me to stay on the line. (starts laughing)
  Simon: (laughing too) Oh god, I love this country.
• Simon's nonchalant attitude when Zeus is about to shoot him:
  Zeus: You call in that code right now, or I blow your sick ass into the next world.
  Simon: If that's what you got to do...
  • Then when Zeus tries to shoot him, the gun doesn't work, and Simon nonchalantly walks up to Zeus, calmly takes the gun from him and informs him, "You forgot to take the safety catch off." and immediately shoots Zeus in the leg.
• While McClane is beating the shit out of Targo with a chain:
  John: You ever seen the show called the Addams Family. They got a motherfucker on there called Lurch. You don't think I’m gonna let you get that gun, do you?!
• The people in the office across from the subway wreckage watching while eating popcorn.
• When Simon has tied up Zeus and McClane in the climax:
  John: Hey, fuckhead. (Simon turns around) Yeah, you, fuckhead. Just one thing I got to know, you got any aspirins? I've had a bad fucking headache all day long.
  Simon: Must be your lucky day. (throws the bottle down to him) Keep the bottle.
• The Gory Discretion Shot scene where McClane and Zeus each drag away one half of the guard who got sliced in half by the cable.
• In the climax, when McClane and Zeus, in a helicopter, surprise Simon and Katya, who are about to have sex:
  John: (over the megaphone) "Hey, dickhead. Did I come at a bad time?"
  (Simon gets an Oh, Crap! look. Katya shrieks in frustration and starts shooting at the copter)
  Zeus: (amused) Whoa! I think she's pissed at you, McClane!
• McClane realizes he left Holly hanging to go after Simon, leading to this gem of a closing dialogue.
  John: Uhh, she's gonna be pissed.
  Zeus: She'll get over it.
  John: I don't know, Zeus. Like I said, she's a very stubborn woman.
  Zeus: She'd have to be to stay married to you.

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