Funny / Cultstuck

Cultstuck

• Karkat's successive Oh, Crap! moments in the first chapter.
  And then you turn around and spot the Threshecutioner standing stock-still in the middle of the overturned mess of your food preparation block, the Threshecutioner who's probably been standing there long enough to watch you crawl butt-first out of your super-secret illegal escape tunnel.
  You stand there like an idiot, straw limp in your lips as you take in the sickle and the black uniform and the green sign and the sheer fucking height of this kid who's clearly a couple of sweeps older than you, old enough to have some color in his eyes even — and your mind goes, welp. This is it.
  And then the greenblood sinks to his knees and lowers his torso until his forehead is touching the floor, and your mind goes oh fuck NO.
  You hate zealots.
• During Chapter 2, Karkat freaks out and makes a fool of himself in front of the cultist who's come to save him. The next chapter is narrated by that same cultist, and it turns out Karkat needn't have worried.
  Apparently pictures of his respite block's walls are constantly taken as the Elders attempt to keep up to date on his visions, but they are among the Greatest of Mysteries and only allowed to be studied by Masters of the highest level. The Elders also speak widely and proudly that once during a Lesson in the Dark Hive the Child went into a Holy Trance and wrote Prophecies on the Mural depicting the Fourth Sermon with a Fluorescent Pink Marker, Yes That One On The Dais. To be surrounded by such Holy Writ is an honor, even if they don’t make a lick of sense to your barely initiated self.
  • Really, every instance where the cultists' awe of The Sufferer's reincarnation is juxtaposed with Karkat's real self is hilarious. They gush over everything he does.
  You drop to your knees and lower your face to the floor, knowing that you are unworthy of gazing upon him. You start to intone the prayer which comprises his True Name; he swiftly interrupts you, reassured of your harmless intentions, and softly chides you for wasting precious time with such frivolities.
  His wisdom is truly vast.
  • At the chapter's end, the cultist stops using Purple Prose to say one thing.
  He will not recognize it, but the off-planet aristocracy will, and the pictures sent by the legislacerator on case — of brown blood on your sickle and a discontinued lance design — will make the whole empire flip the fuck out.
• Gamzee- having gone cold turkey- hallucinating Karkat.
• Some of the chat plug-in names in Chapter 12.
  • Eridan: vvris is a butt wwho smells my b
  • Sollux: EQ ii2 a 2weaty douchebag
  • Sollux: TV ii2 BO22
• During one chatlog, Terezi's anger at Equius making her shout, "Screw you, his horns are perfect!"
• Tavros admitting he's more scared of Vriska than the threshcutioners coming to murder him.
• Quoth Gamzee: "Am I gonna have to pap a bitch?"
• Sollux's story about the illegal cult-run electronics store, and the tea party he had there.
  • "Could you describe those decorations? I might be able to tell if it's really crochet."
• Terezi: "But I resent the thought of our little cherry pie being carpet bombed..."
• The tense, dramatic scene where everyone learns about their ancestors and the cult's worship of them...is interrupted by Kanaya fangirling over the Dolorosa's taste in fashion.
  GA: My God
  GA: That Is Utterly Gorgeous
  GA: Look At That Knotwork I Am So Making Myself A Dress Like That
  • And later, when the chat ends:
  GA: I Guess Ill Just Sit Here Consumed By Lust Staring At My Ancestors Gorgeous Abstractly Ornamented Gown
  GA: Do Keep Me Posted Though
• In Chapter 15, the bickering between Sollux and Equius morphs into Equius mock-blackflirting with Sollux, and is resolved with Kanaya coming in to "auspistice":
  GA: Sollux You Go And Sit In That Corner
  GA: While Equius Sits In This Corner
  AA: swoon so effective
  GA: Do Not Make Me Bring Out The Pointy Paper Hats
  CT: D —> I demand a more scenic corner
  TA: ii'm goiing two hiide under thii2 table and never come out agaiin.
  TA: EVER.
• Equius escapes the threshcutioners.
  It’s a very controlled jump, aiming for Vriska’s highest terrace. Your feet hit the tiles, and you let the momentum pull you down into a deep crouch before you bound off again into the rocky plateau beyond. She probably won’t mind the crack you left behind; it’s web-shaped.
• When Equius and Nepeta finally reunite, she shows her relief by flopping onto his back and purring.
  “Could you... maybe move—” you start, as tactfully as possible, but she’s already interrupting you with a “Nnnnnnnnnno” halfway down the sentence.
• Sollux fanboying over a dorsata plate.
  TA: you don't make any 2udden movement2 in the vicinity of a dor2ata plate.
  TA: iin the pre2ence of a dor2ata plate, you only talk iin gentle whii2per2.
  TA: you do not captchalogue a dor2ata plate, you loviingly depo2iit iit iin2iide your card a2 iif you were a devoted lu2u2 and the plate wa2 your preciiou2 2iilk-2pun wiigler and the card was iit2 cocoon.
• Tavros being bathed.
  “It has been arranged,” he says, beckoning you with a gesture before turning around with an impressive and apparently unintended swirl of cloth. “I am afraid they are preparing a full Ceremonial Purification Ablution, though. Do you have any issue with being cleaned in the presence of four Elders, ten Attendants and six Guardians?” His lips quirk in amusement at your horrified face. “I might be able to talk them down to a Convention Ablution, but any lesser would be pushing the proverbial envelope."
• "Oooh, burn."
• The pink marker Brick Joke.
• Karkat saying goodbye to Terezi and expressing his feelings towards their True Companions. ^note His grammar and spelling is off because of the severe injuries he's sustained.
  CG: AND I GUESS I LOVE SOLLUX TOO, AND KANAYA AND EVERYONE ESLE
  CG: THOUG SOME NOT THAT MUCH REALLY
  CG: I GUESS I JUST RELALY LIKE THEM A LOT
  CG: THEYER ALL VERY PRECIOUS AND DUMB
  • And then there's Karkat trying to explain how he's doing.
  CG: WELL I'M OKAY, OTHER THNAN THE THING WHITH THE WHAT THE THINGN WITH THE AND ALL I'M OKAY.
  CG: IT'S LIKE SILICON.
  GC: OF COURS3
• Gamzee calling Equius a towelfucker.
• Equius and the other highbloods were rather shocked to learn that their lowblood friends already knew about the Sufferer Cultists, so when he tries to explain the situation to Nepeta, this happens:
  “We’re... going underground,” you manage to say, and once you’ve said that the rest flows out with remarkable smoothness. “According to Aradia, this anti-imperialistic faction I spoke of hides in a wide complex of subterranean galleries, where I assume they have access to the means of subsistence necessary for long-term survival—"
  "Are you talking about the weird gray people?" she asks, and your brain basically skids to a halt.
• Karkat summing up Blade Dancer during their first meeting:
  Halfway through the spiel you had pretty much guessed you were sitting in front of Troll Nijinsky, who was a huge narcissist and perhaps slightly delusional. He was also very, very good at Nijinsky style, probably by virtue of being Nijinsky.

Earthbent

• Gamzee has infiltrated a military base, sneaking and threatening his way up 13 floors, and then it turns out that the guy he went all that way to meet, the first target on Gamzee's planned Roaring Rampage of Revenge, is on his side. So instead of committing murder, Gamzee just cries a bit and walks back down.

Side Stories

• During the "Wiggling Day" story, Karkat tries to rebel against the cult's propaganda.
  You ball your cape — it's a new one with an embroidered hood, they actually had you change out of your wet clothes into something even more ridiculous — and throw it at your feet. It fails to produce the satisfying smack you were hoping for, but the sentiment is there.
  "You know what? Fuck contemplation! I already spent a whole damn sweep twisting myself over all the stupid failures I've accumulated in my life and let me tell you, it's a lot of mistakes for such a short life and I'm sick of wallowing in self-flagellation. I ain't contemplating shit today and you can't make me!"
  You throw yourself back on your cushions and immediately wish the pillows would swallow you whole. What were you thinking. You can already hear the shocked muttering as the persecuted pacifist followers of your pacifist ancestor discuss your sudden and highly unexpected bout of unwarranted truculence--
  "He engaged in self-contemplation for a whole sweep!" whispers someone who's really shitty at whispering. "Not even Pious Pamphleteer ever did that, and you know how he is about piety."
  You wish you could pinpoint the source of the voice and drop-kick it.
  • Before that, Karkat apologizing to Terezi for having plans on his wriggling day.
  GC: DON'T G3T YOUR NUBBY L1TTL3 HORNS 1N 4 TW1ST 4BOUT 1T
  GC: 1T'S NOT L1K3 G4M1NG W1TH YOU ON YOUR WR1GGL1NG D4Y WOULD CH4NG3 MY L1F3 OR 4NYTH1NG
  • The cult planned a surprise for Karkat. What is it? Alternia's very first nativity play!
• In the "Moons" side story, Toddler!Karkat gives the Grand Elder a crayon drawing, and the cultists treat it as Serious Business. Hilarity Ensues.
  The Grand Elder's motion to hang the newly-framed artwork in the corridor by the library was viciously overridden. For the next forty hours, the drawing sat on a hastily procured dais as the Council of Elders conducted an emergency gathering — at first to determine the best location for it, but which soon turned into a heated debate over whether it was merely a representation of the moons or if it was imbued with the properties of their bigger counterparts, among others. Sometime during this event the Grand Elder gave up and settled back by a napping Elder Plucker to observe the rising insanity, which went on until the fortieth hour mark, when Elder Tomekeeper raised the topic of long-term conservation and dropped terrifying notions such as acidity levels, humidity quotient and deterioration rates.
  Spurred on by the thought of losing his adorable present to the ravages of time, Grand Elder agreed to retire with Tomekeeper to research and build a frame that would ensure the artwork's longevity. Thus the Council went on, surrounding an empty dais for another twenty hours.
  • Elder Inditer's response to He Whose Blood Runs Purest actually speaking to him.
  In his extremely brutal previous life, and in his quiet and severe current life, Elder Inditer had never experienced so many intense positive emotions, much less simultaneously; as a result he lived under the impression that his desire to squee was actually a Divine Revelation.

Blade Dancer's Blog

• In this entry, his response to a request for "jailbait cuddle action."
• Nearly all his entries about Troll Nijinsky:
  A submitter: Are you Troll Nijinsky?
  Blade Dancer: No no no whatever could have possibly given you the impression that I could in any way be such an eminent figure living a humble life of anonymity!
  I am flattered that you would mistake me for the famous Troll Nijinsky but I assure you I am simply the humble Blade Dancer, mid-level Guardian of the Scripture! And I was never famous in any way whatsoever!
• That animation gif where he's flapping his arms in imitation of his hummingbird lusus.
• The entry where he talks about changing names.
  Even I was once the Bead Dancer, until I finally accepted that seeking perfection in beads was causing me undue stress.

Comments

• Zivloc:
  You deserve a prize for your Equius.
  A PRIZE, I SAY! WITH MONEY! AND CAKE!
  AND GREEK SALADS FOR ALL

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